Thread by @Soundsaboutrig4

Okay. You wanted me to live review House Maryland.

I haven’t watched this in like a decade.

https://twitter.com/soundsaboutrig4/status/1424233361665495041

We start off by following the girl from The Craft during her life after that but before she worked as a cop hunting Red John.

She’s running to her job as….uh. Bland looking worker.

Oh. She’s a teacher…who takes public transportation because she was too busy getting the D and I don’t mean grades.

She asks her boring kids about their weekend. The Craft decides to talk about herself instead. She talks about getting railed when she has a…stroke?

She’s speaking in tongues and runs up to write the tiniest letters. Her dumb kids read the first word as she has a seizure.

We then cut to terrible music that apparently was in the pilot and not the rest of the series. Because the theme credit opening credit music for the theme is legit.

We cut to Dr Watson talking to Sherlock House about The Craft.

She’s Watson’s cousin and Sherlock House is glib about it because he’s a piece of shit.

But they gave him a cane so morons can go “Oh. He’s a piece of shit because of his leg.”

No. They gave him a cane to manipulate you into not hating him.

Watson asks Sherlock to use his team to diag…dia…diagram his cousin.

We then get a shot that goes into The Craft’s nose and she turns out to be made from CGI.

We cut to her brain scan that we see in the intro appears.

We then meet the team. They have some squabbling dialogue where Sherlock goes misanthropic ranting like he’s a high schooler.

We then get them throwing out stupid theories that won’t be right because it’s never Lupis.

We then see Sherlock trying to leave when he’s stopped by The Tale of Cutty’s Treasure.

She’s shredding his work performance in the elevator. She doesn’t fire him because his reputation gets money and shit.

House quotes The Rolling Stones as we cut to The Craft talking to the team.

They’re running tests on her.

Before they can run the test, we find out his boss literally would rather his patients die than letting Sherlock get away with being lazy.

Also. Cuddy makes fun of his disability.

I bet they

*burp*

bang.

Sherlock has to do hours at a clinic to get the stoppage lifted.

And the team is Uhh. Australian guy who looks good. Woman who isn’t mean. Omar Epps who is an arrogant prick like Sherlock.

In the MRI The Craft chokes on some Cheetos.

They do effort to get the Cheeto out.

Shit. They do a tracheotomy because the Cheeto is blocking her air way.

We cut to Sherlock supporting Big Pharma by downing pills like they’re pez or crank.

Sherlock wants Epps to do background on her.

We then cut to the clinic hours.

Sherlock is forced to help people by Cuddy.

The first patient is Trump in color.

Sherlock throws back more pills and tells him that his wife is cheating and he’s eating too many carrots.

Sherlock’s next patient is a kid with asthma whose mother is an antivaxxer/mommy blogger.

She doesn’t want to trust medicine because she’s an idiot.

Sherlock is a dick and leaves.

Sherlock has an idea from this to out The Craft to play professional sports by giving her steroids.

Sherlock downs three bottles of pills and says “This isn’t an issue and wasn’t given to me as a character to make people sympathetic so I can be a dickkkkkkkkk!”

The Craft asks questions and I don’t care.

Australian guy and nice girl talk and we cut to Epps being a creep in the classroom.

He’s smell the floor beside a kid and…oh. He claims he’s smelling for mold.

Sherlock ignores his job to watch a dumb show because he’s so brilliant he washes his time watching trite TV has repetitive plots that follow Patient. Misdiagnose. Pills. Snark. Try something. Pills. Snark. Pills. Hope lost. Pills. Pills. Snark. Inspiration. Pills Success pills

Sherlock wants Epps to break into the Craft’s house and blackmails him.

Cuddy then complains that Sherlock has no reason for what he’s doing to The Craft.

Pills. Snarky. Pills. Snark attack. Pills.

Cuddy then goes in to talk to the Craft. Literally everyone but Sherlock has met her. Means he pills snark pills pills.

They think Sherlock got it right but I bet he didn’t!!!!!!!

Watson talks to his cousin as if she’s any patient because this show forgot she was his cousin.

The Craft is Blinded By the Light!!! And had a seizure.

Turns out your first diagnosis is as wrong, Sherlock. I hope this doesn’t happen in every future epi

*burps*

sode

We find out that the Craft has intermittent verbal and thought issues.

They talk about how she gonna go bye bye when Sherlock wants to end the treatments and figure out how fast she’s gonna go bye bye. This is a form of diag…diagon alley

We then get Epps following Sherlock’s bad habits and then cut to pills and snark time with Sherlock at the clinic.

And Sherlock meets more people who did internet research. He snarks and gets more pills from the pharmacy because everyone is an enabler in his life.

So. Pills. Snark. Pills.

House goes to get some candy. Ugh. Hospital candy. I mean he’s just doing it to steal pills. Uh. He had issues. He’s never a liability, but I’m sure that won’t come back.

We cut to the team having broken into the Craft’s place and stealing her food and violating her privacy.

We cut to Watson and others talking and did I miss that she isn’t Watson’s cousin because he doesn’t know anything about her. It must have been a ruse.

Yep. Turns out she’s not his cousin.

Also. We find out that she has ham. Sherlock thinks she has a tapeworm.

Sherlock tells his team about tapeworms. Uh. They’re doctors. They’d know some of this at the very least.

They want to waterboard the Craft to find out where the tapeworm is.

She screams “How should I know?!”

They continue to torture her like in 24.

“Tell me where the worm is!!”

The Craft wants to go home and Sherlock has to convince her to stay despite him cocking up all the diagnosiseseses.

The Craft wants to know how he got those scars…err. Jacked up leg.

We find out that background we’ll see in the future and the Craft just sharks right back at him.

The Craft wants to die with dignity. Ya know. Shitting yourself as your bowels open up. Dignity.

Sherlock is fine with this because he found out what it was.

Australia comes up with a plan to scan. House wants to scan the leg because he’s a leg guy

House slams back pills and snarks.

We cut to Australia telling the Craft she had a worm and shows her one of its class photos.

He gives her pills to take. House comes running in to take them, but realizes they’re for worms.

They want to deworm her, comb her, and enter her for Best In Show.

We cut to nice woman whining that Sherlock hired her for no good reason. Sherlock slams back pills and snarks about why he hired his team. Sherlock hired nice woman because she’s attractive.

We’re supposed to like this dbag??

Good thing Hugh is so charming naturally.

When she calls him out, he starts giving incel talking points.

Seriously. Dude must be slamming the red pills not pain murderers.

We cut to the clinic patient who was an Oompa Loompa who is rich. Cuddy defends Sherlock and snarkmmjddjdndnd

We cut to The Craft. The doctors let her class in. They let her students into a hospital. Uh. I wouldn’t want my hypothetical kid going to a place that has sick as fuck infectious people.

We cut to Sherlock watching tv with Watson. He keeps screaming “It’s elementary!” as he crushes up pills and snorts them off his cane.

Then we cut to a nurse telling Sherlock he needs to see the patient whose pills Sherlock stole. Sherlock goes to steal more.

So that was the pilot of Sherlock House Maryland. We see the early characteristics we’ll see throughout the show.

It’s very formulaic, but Hugh kills it and makes an unlikable character on paper into one you like.

And the dude can sing!

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