Oh, sweet Jesus. They remade Turner & Hooch into a tv show on disney plus.
*groans*
I'm gonna have to live review this shitty pilot aren't I?
*cracks knuckles*
Let's do this shit.
*groans*
I'm gonna have to live review this shitty pilot aren't I?
*cracks knuckles*
Let's do this shit.
We find out by a roomba and the fact this loser puts everything into separate containers that this guy is a neat freak.
OH. WHAT IF HE HAD A MESSY DOG???????
OH. WHAT IF HE HAD A MESSY DOG???????
The guy chugs creatine and talks to his roomba.
Fuckkkk youuuuuu!
Fuckkkk youuuuuu!
Oh, HIS WACKY PARTNER LIKES DONUTS.
She's pregnant and the guy mansplains the fuck out of nutrition.
What a prick.
She's pregnant and the guy mansplains the fuck out of nutrition.
What a prick.
We know this is San Francisco because they drive on the golden
*burps*
gate bridge.
*burps*
gate bridge.
They're there to talk to some
*fart*
hacker.
*fart*
hacker.
They go into the hacker's grandma's place and he's a god damn klutz.
The Turner guy
*burps*
Fuck this is stupid.
He runs after the guy and literally pulls the rug out from underneath him.
Whoever wrote this thought this was clever.
The Turner guy
*burps*
Fuck this is stupid.
He runs after the guy and literally pulls the rug out from underneath him.
Whoever wrote this thought this was clever.
We also find out that Turner is lazy as fuck.
And then he glibly adds a "You might want to add assault with dildos or ceramics or some shit...this show is awful."
And then he glibly adds a "You might want to add assault with dildos or ceramics or some shit...this show is awful."
We then meet some other detective who is cool. He talks about surfing and is a wannabe Bodhi from Point Break.
Why does everyone think they can replicate Bodhi?
Oh, this dbag is called Xavier.
He doesn't run the X-men. He rewatches point break...
Why does everyone think they can replicate Bodhi?
Oh, this dbag is called Xavier.
He doesn't run the X-men. He rewatches point break...
Turner and his partner (Baxter) meet some FBI agent.
Agent Fuckwhistle.
Agent Fuckwhistle.
Agent Fuckwhistle wants them to do something with some asshole named Gluck. He's a perp...or purple.
They're like witness protecting some guy.
This show is shit.
They're like witness protecting some guy.
This show is shit.
Man. A witness who has people doing wit protection by moron cops.
THis...
*burps*
Jesus. I shouldn't have eaten all that Chinese food.
I'll brb.
THis...
*burps*
Jesus. I shouldn't have eaten all that Chinese food.
I'll brb.
I'm back.
So we see that there was a decoy team and the witness prot. team and they go to a hotel and the witness hates it.
Turner tries to be sarcastic, but this show sucks.
So we see that there was a decoy team and the witness prot. team and they go to a hotel and the witness hates it.
Turner tries to be sarcastic, but this show sucks.
You know. You need solid acting and writing.
Here's Turner and his partner.
So fucking wacky.
Here's Turner and his partner.
So fucking wacky.
My guess is this show wants Turner to have a partner opening up.
A show with balls would kill off the partner. This one has the partner take maternity leave is my guess.
Riveting.
A show with balls would kill off the partner. This one has the partner take maternity leave is my guess.
Riveting.
Jesus Christ.
His mom keeps calling him and he shows his partner his phone to prove it...this is fucking stupid.
His mom keeps calling him and he shows his partner his phone to prove it...this is fucking stupid.
We also find out that his dad just died and Turner doesn't seem to give a shit or the writing is bad.
Look. I know I shouldn't shit all over writing or acting or whatever online because they might see it...I don't want that.
I'm just here to say...stop...stop remaking good movies into terrible shows.
Just fucking stop. Write something new.
And I realize I'm part of the problem
I'm just here to say...stop...stop remaking good movies into terrible shows.
Just fucking stop. Write something new.
And I realize I'm part of the problem
We find out that Turner is an incel.
They try to act like he has had an ex, but we all know that's a lie.
This dude mansplains nutrition to a pregnant woman.
You know he's insufferable online.
They try to act like he has had an ex, but we all know that's a lie.
This dude mansplains nutrition to a pregnant woman.
You know he's insufferable online.
Jesus. Turner's sister comes over and gives him Hooch.
In the original movie, Hooch was a witness to a brutal murder and Turner reluctantly too...THIS FUCKING SHOW HAS NO BALLS
In the original movie, Hooch was a witness to a brutal murder and Turner reluctantly too...THIS FUCKING SHOW HAS NO BALLS
Also, Turner's nephew and sister are annoying, but not..
JESUS CHRIST THIS EXPOSITION DUMP!
JESUS CHRIST THIS EXPOSITION DUMP!
Turns out his dead dad adopted Hooch because this fucking show sucks and they needed to find a reason for him to get a dog, but they lack balls to go with the murdered hobo angle.
*burps*
His horrible sister and nephew leave him to this shitty ass dog that goes and immediately steals his food...
FUCKKKK YOU!
They start playing Snoop Doggy Dog.
Fuck you every writer and director who uses songs so on the god damn nose. Fuck all of you!
FUCKKKK YOU!
They start playing Snoop Doggy Dog.
Fuck you every writer and director who uses songs so on the god damn nose. Fuck all of you!
Hooch immediately destroys everything as the song Bow Wow continues to play.
Oh, fuck me this is bad.
I'm gonna have to drink I think. Let's see if I can resist.
Oh, fuck me this is bad.
I'm gonna have to drink I think. Let's see if I can resist.
We then cut to him calling his mom after shoving the dog into the kitchen.
His mom works at a vet and
*burps*
God. Seriously. The original vet was the chick Turner railed...not his mom.
His mom works at a vet and
*burps*
God. Seriously. The original vet was the chick Turner railed...not his mom.
We get more exposition ...
OH FUCK ME.
I GET IT NOW.
This god damn show.
OH FUCK ME.
I GET IT NOW.
This god damn show.
It's a soft reboot.
So the original Turner (Tom Hanks) is the dad who died and this annoying Turner is his dumb fuck kid.
See. The Dad (Tom Hanks' character) adopted this dog to remind him of the dead Hooch.
FUCK THIS SHOW.
So the original Turner (Tom Hanks) is the dad who died and this annoying Turner is his dumb fuck kid.
See. The Dad (Tom Hanks' character) adopted this dog to remind him of the dead Hooch.
FUCK THIS SHOW.
Turner Jr gets a note from his dad, but he's too much of a puss to open it.
Oh, look. A GUY ASLEEP WHO THINKS THE DOG LICKING HIM IS A WOMAN IN HIS DREAM.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHADSUFHLKSJHADHJKSHAFJ
SADF
JFSDALKFJASL
fuck this show!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHADSUFHLKSJHADHJKSHAFJ
SADF
JFSDALKFJASL
fuck this show!!!
The next day dipshit Jr goes into the rest of his apartment and it's trashed and teh roomba has been sodomized.
Turner Jr is driving Fake Hooch in his car and talks to his sister and then
HAHAHAH THE ACTING IS SO FUCKING BAD
Turner Jr gets a call from his partner.
The witness gets got and we have to see bad aajdskfla
this is bad.
HAHAHAH THE ACTING IS SO FUCKING BAD
Turner Jr gets a call from his partner.
The witness gets got and we have to see bad aajdskfla
this is bad.
So the witness got grabbed or something by people in a silver whocares and that silver whocares drives by Turner Dipshit as he just hears the description and he gives chase
BECAUSE THIS IS HACK WRITING!!!
BECAUSE THIS IS HACK WRITING!!!
Fake Hooch gets all hot and bothered by teh chase and starts to make out with Jr.
The bad guys are all wearing masks like they're in some performance art trio and Fake Hooch has the ability to catch shoes as they fly through the air and to bark like an annoying d.
We get one of teh dumbest car chases
*burps*
This car chase sucks.
They end up in an alley and Turner, finally, calls for back up.
As he approaches the vehicle. In a blind alley.
HE'S A FUCKING MORON
Fake hooch follows.
Man. I wish I had some hooch.
*burps*
This car chase sucks.
They end up in an alley and Turner, finally, calls for back up.
As he approaches the vehicle. In a blind alley.
HE'S A FUCKING MORON
Fake hooch follows.
Man. I wish I had some hooch.
Hooch is in the garbage looking for Turner Jr's career and there's a cat and...they did a jump scare with a cat...are you fucking kidding me?
Turner Jr talks into his shoulder mic as Hooch tears into trash.
He finds the shitty pilot script amongst the piles of shit and rags.
Turner Jr talks into his shoulder mic as Hooch tears into trash.
He finds the shitty pilot script amongst the piles of shit and rags.
The suspect's car goes boom because they need to hit every cliche.
The next day we find out the cop shot at the wit prot. hotel is fine because this show has no balls.
We get the police chief doing 'YOU FUCKED UP EVERYTHING...BADGE...GUN WILL BE MINE IF YOU FUCK UP AGAIN'
The next day we find out the cop shot at the wit prot. hotel is fine because this show has no balls.
We get the police chief doing 'YOU FUCKED UP EVERYTHING...BADGE...GUN WILL BE MINE IF YOU FUCK UP AGAIN'
The chief then gets groped on by Hooch...
this show is fucking garbage.
this show is fucking garbage.
FBI Agent Fuckwhistle comes by to whine and call Turner an incel or something...
I don't know
I'm zoning out.
I don't know
I'm zoning out.
Turner Jr takes Fake Hooch for a walk.
Turn Jr just whines...like a bitch...I don't mean a woman. I mean like a female dog.
See..I'm funny.
Turn Jr just whines...like a bitch...I don't mean a woman. I mean like a female dog.
See..I'm funny.
We also find out that Turner Jr is one of those annoying people who does everything by the letter of the law.
Like...you know he reminded the teacher about tests and shit.
Everyone had to hate him. That's why he is definitely an incel.
Like...you know he reminded the teacher about tests and shit.
Everyone had to hate him. That's why he is definitely an incel.
Turner Jr throws any sympathy I have for him by saying he's going to take Hooch to the pound...he probably will take him to a kill shelter because Turner definitely likes to choke animals to death.
I'm just assuming this because the guy talks to his fucking roomba.
I'm just assuming this because the guy talks to his fucking roomba.
What am I doing with my life?
I'm watching shitty soft reboots of 80s movies on disney plus for 20 people to read.
Oh, god.
I could have done something else with my life...like crank.
I'm watching shitty soft reboots of 80s movies on disney plus for 20 people to read.
Oh, god.
I could have done something else with my life...like crank.
Turner Jr doesn't seem to care if the dog lives or dies. I mean he acts like the dog will get adopted, but he doesn't know.
*burps*
His partner tells him there's a woman he can talk to.
I wonder if this will be his love interest.
I ask...because it's obvious.
*burps*
His partner tells him there's a woman he can talk to.
I wonder if this will be his love interest.
I ask...because it's obvious.
This show is about as subtle as Godzilla on speed.
oh, godasfljgkheiruaowjfidskl
this ucking afsdhofwalfdksjf shitty shows fucking stupid waste of existence alskdjfl; wjadf lskjfsa
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SURE THIS SHIT GETS MADE, BUT EVERYTHING I WRITE GOES INTO THE FUCKING VOID AND WILL NEVER SEE THE LIGHT OFDAY!FADsufsadfkljk
this ucking afsdhofwalfdksjf shitty shows fucking stupid waste of existence alskdjfl; wjadf lskjfsa
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FJklasjdfkl
SURE THIS SHIT GETS MADE, BUT EVERYTHING I WRITE GOES INTO THE FUCKING VOID AND WILL NEVER SEE THE LIGHT OFDAY!FADsufsadfkljk
OH GOD DAMMIT THIS SCENE IS AWKWARD.
This k9 teacher police teacher woman k9 person instantly can get Hooch to obey her.
It appears that Turner tried nothing and had run out of ideas.
This k9 teacher police teacher woman k9 person instantly can get Hooch to obey her.
It appears that Turner tried nothing and had run out of ideas.
We also find out that the dog doesn't respect Turner Jr. He thinks Turner Jr is a cuck.
The dog is right.
The dog is right.
We get that shitty meet-cute bullshit that would never happen where it's all agjsfiuhdjaoklgj
They decide to have a date or some shit...to teach Turner how to control Hooch...who cares.
They decide to have a date or some shit...to teach Turner how to control Hooch...who cares.
We cute back to his apartment as Turner's sister is doing the cleaning in Turner's house.
He keeps screaming "MAKE ME A SANDWICH" and "That's a woman's place!!" or some shit.
I don't know.
He keeps screaming "MAKE ME A SANDWICH" and "That's a woman's place!!" or some shit.
I don't know.
This show is the tv equivalent of chugging bleach.
We also find out that Turner and Turner Jr didn't get along.
Sure. Bring in that tired trope in.
Why not?
Did they go to the tv tropes site and think that was a site for fresh ideas???
Sure. Bring in that tired trope in.
Why not?
Did they go to the tv tropes site and think that was a site for fresh ideas???
Oh, god.
And his nephew says something that inspires him to look at the case in a different light because this show loves tropes.
And his nephew says something that inspires him to look at the case in a different light because this show loves tropes.
We get more "wacky" humor from chewed on items and the dog knocking things over.
This kjdghtuwtrieofdklggj
Can I just give up??
This kjdghtuwtrieofdklggj
Can I just give up??
Oh, my god.
Each episode is 45 minutes.
You have maybe 5 minutes of material...and you ripped that off from EVERY cop show ever...and the odd couple.
Each episode is 45 minutes.
You have maybe 5 minutes of material...and you ripped that off from EVERY cop show ever...and the odd couple.
We then get a scene where Turner Jr reads the note
*farts*
and he tries to cry and act and it's like Steve Guttenberg has a challenger.
Or Dawson.
*farts*
and he tries to cry and act and it's like Steve Guttenberg has a challenger.
Or Dawson.
Geee.
I wonder if the lawyer is the bad guy.
thisafljgd
This show could be written by a broken hand.
I wonder if the lawyer is the bad guy.
thisafljgd
This show could be written by a broken hand.
Oh, my god.
We're getting flashbacks that happened seconds ago.
OH...OH IT'S THE FBI AGENT FUCKWHISTLE WHO IS CORRUPT?
WHAT???
I mean...you had two choices. The lawyer or the agent. This is hack writing.
We're getting flashbacks that happened seconds ago.
OH...OH IT'S THE FBI AGENT FUCKWHISTLE WHO IS CORRUPT?
WHAT???
I mean...you had two choices. The lawyer or the agent. This is hack writing.
We cut to the partner's house and we get to find out her home life.
*yawns*
Cool.
This is why it was better if the partner died like in other cop shows.
*yawns*
Cool.
This is why it was better if the partner died like in other cop shows.
Turner Jr goes over to partner's house to tell her "HOLY CRAP. WE HAVE A HACK WRITER AND WE ARE DOING THE SAME PLOT AS EVERY OTHER SHOW THATSJ DFGHUISFJK"
This is fucking dumb.
This is fucking dumb.
THey're gonna track FBI Fuckwhistle to see what he's doing that mgihta sjfd lajsd fmade the dog nark bark at him and barksfjgdlshdfk
sadklgfjlkj
asdjfklj
VOmit
sadklgfjlkj
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VOmit
Oh, man. The agent is corrupt and part of the crew?
HWATASLJFDGL
WHAT?
YOU MEAN THE AGENT WHO GOT LOCAL COPS TO TAKE THE FALL IS CORRUPT?
HWATASLJFDGL
WHAT?
YOU MEAN THE AGENT WHO GOT LOCAL COPS TO TAKE THE FALL IS CORRUPT?
Oh, god.
Now Turner Jr is getting cucked by Hooch.
Now Turner Jr is getting cucked by Hooch.
I never thought I'd want the cliches of a 90s sitcom, but here we are.
Turner Jr mansplains more shit to his pregnant partner.
Stop doing that!
Stop doing that!
Oh "Think he'll just stay quiet. Listen to a doggy podcast or something."
Man. You couldn't get such brilliant writing in the 80s.
Man. You couldn't get such brilliant writing in the 80s.
We find out that the corrupt agent was corrupt and that he took the witness.
Turner Jr tries to act like an alpha, but he's a beta bitch.
They barge in and Turner Jr says, in a high-pitch voice, "US Marshals. Don't move. Please. Please don't move. If you move I'll curl into a ball and cry!"
There's a shoot out and we get slo mo dog action.
There's a fist fight
HAHAHAHA
CHECK IT OUT!
There's a shoot out and we get slo mo dog action.
There's a fist fight
HAHAHAHA
CHECK IT OUT!
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Man. This show sucks so bad.
The partner is the only one doing anything. Her and Hooch.
Turner Jr keeps screaming about his roomba.
The partner is the only one doing anything. Her and Hooch.
Turner Jr keeps screaming about his roomba.
Oh, the witness is ungrateful and sarcastic?
I hope he's our comedy relief for the rest of the series I won't watch.
I hope he's our comedy relief for the rest of the series I won't watch.
Turner Jr walks his dog as the agent gets in another shootout.
We can see the open door behind him that it's raining.
Must have just started even though the alsjfdgsoflkd
We can see the open door behind him that it's raining.
Must have just started even though the alsjfdgsoflkd
Oh, look. The FBI agent is mad that the witness gets money and he is poor.
Geez. That's the motivation of every corrupt cop in every show ever.
Geez. That's the motivation of every corrupt cop in every show ever.
They finally call for backup...
After the warehosue catches ofngdosuhjdfisklgjslfs
klgjshfkjkadfs
so fucking stupid
After the warehosue catches ofngdosuhjdfisklgjslfs
klgjshfkjkadfs
so fucking stupid
Turner Jr talks to Fake Hooch as if he understands and gives him a Braveheart speech.
It's...I wrote better stuff when I was hammered on cheap whiskey in college.
It's...I wrote better stuff when I was hammered on cheap whiskey in college.
More pew pew and doggy bite bite
This movie doesn't even have the balls to have the dog get shot and need to go to the vet.
Lame as fuck.
Lame as fuck.
The next day a handful of coworkers pretend like they did a good job, but it's half-assed.
Like. You know how you celebrate a coworker who got a promotion. You don't really mean it.
You sorta hope they get gangrene because you wanted it.
Like. You know how you celebrate a coworker who got a promotion. You don't really mean it.
You sorta hope they get gangrene because you wanted it.
Also. The chief does 'HEY. YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE ON THAT CASE, BUT YOU DID A GOOD JOB BECAUSE YOU DID JOB GOOD. AND HOOCH IS NOW YOUR PARTNER BECAUSE IT'S A TV SHOW AND THIS SHOW SUCKS ALL THE ASS."
And the k9 police training woman girl training police person from before was going to help train Hooch and probably replace Turner Jr's roomba.
Since we all know he thinks women "belong in the kitchen."
His words..not mine.
Since we all know he thinks women "belong in the kitchen."
His words..not mine.
Turner Jr goes up to teh girl and starts to tell her about the Handmaid's Tale and how inspiring it was for him.
He's too much of a red pilled incel to ask out the girl who obviously wants his D for some reason.
She even tries to tell him, but he yells for a sandwich.
He's too much of a red pilled incel to ask out the girl who obviously wants his D for some reason.
She even tries to tell him, but he yells for a sandwich.
Gee. I hope this WILL THEY WON'T THEY CONTINUES ON FOREVER BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT MAKES A SHOW GOOD!!!
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We cut to Turner Jr telling Fake Hooch that he can't do everything he wants.
This is setting up the Odd Couple some more because it's stupid.
This is setting up the Odd Couple some more because it's stupid.
We then cut to a call with his sister.
Turns out the real Turner has SUPER SECRET SPECIAL POLICE FILES HIDDEN!!!!!!
AND TURNER JR IS THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN SOLVE IT BECAUSE HOOCH WENT ON THE CASE WITH HIS DAD!!!
Turns out the real Turner has SUPER SECRET SPECIAL POLICE FILES HIDDEN!!!!!!
AND TURNER JR IS THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN SOLVE IT BECAUSE HOOCH WENT ON THE CASE WITH HIS DAD!!!
So the god damn overarching plot will be about these super villains and only hooch can find them.
And they decide to
*vomits*
*vomits*
So that was Turner Jr and Fake Hooch episode one and it is a pile of shit written by
*searches*
WHAT THE FUCK????????
Well, at least the director is
*searches*
WHAT THE FUCK?????!!!!!!
*searches*
WHAT THE FUCK????????
Well, at least the director is
*searches*
WHAT THE FUCK?????!!!!!!
I GIVE UP. I FUCKING GIVE UP.
There is no meaning to life anymore.
There is no meaning to life anymore.
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