Thread by @Soundsaboutrig4

So I'm going to start my review of the latest DC film that just got released.

It's S**cide Squad. I'm not allowed to type it out because I'm pretty sure Twitter blocks that crap.

Anyway. I can finally tell you all that I was part of the squad. I think my scenes were cut, though

It stars an insane list of people like @idriselba as Jean Claude Van Damme's best 80s movie, @NathanFillion as T.S.O.L, @JohnCena as Colt pistol, Margot Robbie as Harley Davidson, Michael Rooker as the coolest dude ever, @violadavis as an amazing actress, and, hell...

It even has @seangunn as Rocket Raccoon's stand-in and even a cameo by the awesome @lloydkaufman (god of Tromaville).

And a bunch of others.

Speaking of Lloyd Kaufman, this movie is directed by one of the people Kaufman helped get started, @JamesGunn.

Who I've been a fan of since Slither. Seriously. If you haven't seen Slither, go watch it. One of the best creature features in the last 30 years.

Now that we've gotten that out of the way, it's time for me to review this as my normal, insane, stupid way.

I want to say that I do this to all movies, even those I love.

And you might be going "Okay. Seriously, chill out. No one cares that you're reviewing this."

But what if Nathan Fillion sees this. I don't want him thinking I'm being serious and it like calls me an idiot.

I couldn't handle that.

I'd spiral out of control until I'm knee-deep in Taco Bell wrappers and screaming about wombats and magnets while chugging Faygo.

I continue to tumble into madness until I'm brought back from the brink by @steak_umm's tweets or something.

But I can't be beholden to them.

Because I got a good five or ten years until I'm forced to be an indentured servant to some food conglomerate.

*checks global temperature increase*

Okay. Maybe two years.

Still. I would grateful to them, but I just can't go cracking skulls in their name until the next election

Wait. What the hell was I doing?

*scrolls up*

Jesus. I'm talking about a god damn movie review and I somehow went off on the inevitable resource war that will consume this world soon enough.

Until then, though, I'm going to spiral into madness and review this sucker.

And here's another cool shot that I'm pretty sure they digitally removed me.

Here's one of those shots I got ahold of before the...uh...incident that caused them to fire me as Dr. Steve Jester.

I made it look gooooddddd!

Without any further adventures of indiana jones, I present to you... S**cide Squad...the new one. Not the one from 2016 that had the same name except I think there's a The in front of this one...

This really confuses google.

Oh, yeah, and I'm going to talk about to the movie, so don't read this if you don't want to know about stuff that happens.

There's a word for that. Spoiled Cabbage, maybe???

Let us begin at the beginning of the movie that begins now.

he* calls me an idiot

I'm an idiot.

We start with a tour of the WB studio.

I always wanted to go on that.

We ...wait...did I accidentally start Walk the Line?

I guess maybe they confused Joker with Johnny Credit Card?

We see Michael Rooker in crocs.

Which. All us cool kids know that's a reference to the croc guy from the first S. Squad.

I'm just such a clever reviewer I catch all these easter egg baskets.

He's playing squash with himself during exercise when Viola comes in.

She tells Rooker that he's gonna get time off his sentence and will go boom like he's Snake Plisken if he tries to start anything.

This movie has ZERO BRAKES.

It's like Speed, but without Sandra Blindside.

Rooker is joining Task Force X. TFX is you will.

We get introduced to...uh...Sean Gunn screaming.

Then it cuts to them in front of the US flag like this is Patton.

We then get a long list of characters and there's no god damn way I'm going to remember them all.

They're lifting off in a blackhawk down and then we cut to some nerds trying to figure out who they're gonna bid on like this is Cabin in the Woods.

Also. They're all being lead by Colonel Sanders. I think he stared in that new Robocop movie no one wanted.

We find out that Fillion is TSOL which stands for True Sounds of Liberty.

Hahaha. Margot is eating all the scenery and it's hilarious.

After they chatter and bit they decide to go sky diving as a group building exercise.

Of course they don't have far to jump, so the group exercise lasts 9.8 m/s

They jump into the pool...

HAHAHA. THE WEASEL IS DROWNING.

And no one cares.

hahahaha

I understand his plight about no one caring.

No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes
And no one knows what it's like
To be hated
To be fated to telling only lies

I just made that up after googling the lyrics.

They're trying to LARP Castle Wolfenstein.

They're trying to assault the beach and we find out that Blackguard betrays them and then he gets betrayed.

We find out that the mission is still a go and Not Robocop wants to abort.

The others don't and we get lots of booms and pews and slashy and pew pew boom boom.

We...then find out that Fillion can disconnect his body parties and they can like...choke bitches out and have a slap fight..

Awesome.

I think I used to listen to his song a lot.

This reminds me a lot of that scene in Deadpool 2 where they jumped out of a helicopter and most of the people on the squad die...huh.

Oh, god. I just remembered Peter.

PETTTTEERRRR!!!!!!

You were too beautiful for this world!!!

Some alien woman that Mojo rejected jumps on a helicopter and kills a Boomer.

The Boomer's children instantly became wealthier by inheriting a house and they were able to sell it for $92398239823923898924598734958245.

Then the javelin guy fails to pass his heat into the Olympics.

THis is all a dream isn't it?

Or a vision or something??

Because it's now not really a squad.

It's like...a duo.

Rooker freaks and tries to swim away, but then they make him go boom boom.

So from Boomer to Boom.

We cut over to Idris Elba being just...the coolest dude ever.

So this is our real squad.

And we find out that some people made some serious money off the teams failing and stuff...like.

Also. Jim Carroll Band is playing...

Uh. Okay.

I mean...whatever.

So half the people I put into my intro are gone.

That's great.

Uh...

Thanks for coming to my review.

We then cut to Stringer Bell cleaning up stuff in a prison.

It's nasssttyyyy.

I guess we're getting a flashback. We then get exposition as they stand around him.

We find out Stringer Bell put Superman into the ICU with a Krypt-keeper bullet.

Viola comes in and uses Elba's kid to manipulate him.

@charmsblowpop @DuckieNinja @curmudgeon_red @fecologist

Watch me wallow

We get a ton of exposition about Elba's family and that his kid is being used against him to get him onto the cheer squad.

They get background on Cena and a shark.

A king of sharks if you will.

The shark is like yoda.

Then we meet someone named Ratcatcher 2.0

She's like the original one, but uses HTML 12.

Oh, shit. It's Ratatouille!

We then meet See Spot Run.

He throws spots or polka dance dots or candy dots or some shit.

Then we see the weasel for before he drowned.

Oh. And I posted this before, but here's another scene I was in.

I'm behind See Spot Polka Dance!!

They're going to Isla Nublar.

The leaders of it have been overthrown by a ford coupe.

The General Mills guy has taken over and they're gonna use a Starfish to go against the US interests into Dino DNA.

Jotunheim is on the island and it...it's a starfish that's like from space and likes to drink margaritas.

I have to admit that I fell asleep during this briefing.

I was dreaming about burritos.

We find out that the project is run by gaius julius A.K.A. The Thinker Statue AKA Rodin

We then get a joke about projectors and buttholes and..

*sighs*

Hahaha.

Elba "We're all gonna die"

Polka Dot "I hope so."

Polka Dot doesn't look it, but he's definitely Gen Z.

So we cut to the island on the side of the island that didn't go to shit.

They head onto the island and they t...

AHHAHAH

John Cena is killing me.

Elba "I've decided that you should eat a bag of dicks."

Cena: "If somebody I had to eat all the dicks on the beach for liberty I would."

We cut back to Harley Davidson being the only survivor.

The javelin guy offers her his javelin, but that's not a baseball bat.

She only uses bats...or boom booms.

Not javelins. I mean...what is this. 2021 Tokyo??

Harley Davidson gets captured as Fake Robocop runs away into the...no. He's caught by the...rebels or something?

That night Candy Dots wakes up looking like the Toxic Avenger.

He goes into the woods and shits out polka dots.

I can relate. I've eaten arby's, too.

We cut to the shark trying to eat the rat queen who has narcolepsy.

Elba shoots King Shark to stop him.

Apparently, Elba's guns suck because they don't hurt him.

Then we find out that that island has about 93823982398393289 rats.

We also find out that Elba is indiana Jones but with ..

HOLY SHIT THEY MAKE SURE CENA'S JUNK LOOKS BIG IN THIS SHOT.

Right. Elba is scared of rats.

I mean it makes sense. Stringer Bell killed rats.

See. Because rats are what criminals call people who...

SHUT UP!

We then find out that King Shark doesn't have any friends.

They all decide to be friends with him so he doesn't eat them.

I mean...it's just this:

They find out that Fake Robocop is about a mile away and they need to go find him and

*burp*

rescue him.

They come across the village and the Predat...errr...

Never mind.

We also find out Polka Dot and Cena are my favorite characters.

Cena loves freedom so much he'll second amendment all living people and Polka Dot is a nihilist spiraling into existential dread.

We then cut to Street Shark eating some dude. I think his name was...

*burp*

Shark Food. He was born to die this way.

We then cut to the squad just...HAHAHA. THIS SCENE IS AWESOME.

Okay.

This was all worth this quick fight.

Cena hahaha

Cena and Elba bond over this fight and a common fetish

They move into the camp and just murder the dick out of everyone.

hahahahaha

Cena is amazing in this.

He just prison shanks some dude sleeping.

They just slaughter the dick out of all these poor people.

They're not even the bad people is my guess.

I think they're a g...

HOLY SHIT ELBA IS NAPALMING THESE PEOPLE!

They are one upping each other in their killings.

It's like the scar scene in Jaws, but with more blood.

We then find out that polka dot has the ability to throw polka dots that break wood and stuff.

We then cut to them going into a hut and finding out Fake Robocop is fine.

And, I was right, these people are innocent rebels.

And...uh...AWKWARDDD.

They just slaughtered everyone.

Fake Robocop tries to smooth things over with the rebel leader (Sol??).

He's trying to rail her.

I understand dude. Your friends just cockblocked you.

So...like a lot of movies, this movie has too many people being wacky or not reacting to wacky shit like most people would.

We need some "straight people" to make the jokes land better.

We then cut to Rodin being pissed General Mills taking his stuff and watching some 8mm films.

General Mills is screaming "You will watch my vacation videos from when I was a kid."

We then cut over to 8mm with old footage of the starfish being brought into the shuttle by Americans.

And we find out that the starfish is basically a Puppet Master/Alien and sends out pods that take over people.

Oh. Reminds me of that episode of Rick and Morty with the things over their face.

General Mills' partner wants to unleash the Starfish on us and we all know that Americans aren't fans of starfish.

I'm talking about assholes and we all know this country is filled with assholes.

We cut over to Harley Davidson being Harley Davidson the fuck out of this scene.

She's in a pit and then they scream 'IT PUTS THE LOTION IN THE BASKET.'

Then they take her to see General Mills all gussied up.

They Pretty Woman

*burps*

The shit out of Harley Davidson.

She's such a Joker.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I'M FUNNY WITH MY PUNS!!

We then cut to her meeting General Mills and she wants that DDDDDDDDDDDDDD.

Don't blame her. He's hot.

It turns out that General Mills likes Harley Davidson's tactics and hurting people.

They have romance scenes that are them going to Disneyland and getting a turkey leg and then coming to Naboo to talk about sand.

We then watch the TIKI TIKI TIKI TIKI ROOOMMM

*chugs whiskey*

And then General Mills wants to marry Harley Davidson.

He says he'll change his name to General Davidson.

How sweet.

So...all of this has happened during the same time the other squad walked like...10 feet and the shark ate someone.

That's a whirlwind romance.

They then have sex while breaking everything in the room and starting a fire.

They never put the fire out, but it somehow goes out?

Look. This movie about people with super powers isn't very believable if they don't show the fire being put out.

We find out that the Republican Party left Germany after WW2 and came to Isla Naboo.

They wanted ass-to-...errr..asylum.

They continued their experiments there until the leaders of the isla ganked them.

We find out the former leaders fed their enemies to the sarlacc...eerrr...starfish.

HAHAHAHAHAHA

I love Harley Davidson.

She shoots General Mills after he admits that he was going to gank youngsters.

Hahaha. Margot is the best part of this movie.

She rants about red flags and bad boyfriends looking like she's in the movie Ready or Not.

I should point out that ALL OF THIS has happened in the time it took Elba and crew to go 20 feet into the jungle and find Fake Robocop.

The guards comes in like 3 minutes later.

Man. You guys are so on the ball.

They cut over to the other General.

He's...uh..

General Naboo from now on.

The guy is a total dick and burns the TIKI TIKI TIKI ROOM.

Turns out General Mills was the stable one.

General Naboo wants his people to find the squad and gank them.

We cut to Candy Dots and King Queen being tired.

Typical Gen Zs. So lazy.

HAHAHA. GENERATIONAL COMMENTARY!!!!!

BOOMERS ARE OLD AND HAVE MONEY

WHO IS GEN X?

We find out that Candy Dot's mom did experiments on him to make him a super hero.

He has to shit out the polka dots twice a day or he goes bye bye.

We also find out that Polka Candy sees his mom on everyone's body because that dude has some legit issues.

No wonder he wants to die.

All the hot people look like his Karen mom.

We cut to some dude driving in the jungle and he stops at a militiary check point.

They want to see his papers.

This must be Biden's America, right reich wing?

The soldiers want to see what's inside the truck when the squad ganks them all.

The driver breaks down crying and, honestly, I'd do the same.

I'd piss myself, too.

We then get Street Shark saying he's going to wear a disguise.

I hope we get a wacky montage with him trying on clothes.

Like in that hit movie Airborne.

Street Shark is as good as disguising himself as I am at disguising my emotions.

He storms off like me trying to hide my emotions.

We cut over to...Happy Gilmore?

Elba is trying to get ahold of Viola as she plays putt putt golf.

Viola threaten's the daughter of the Island Napoleon was sent to.

She's like Street Shark: cold blooded

HAHAHAHAHA BIOLOGY PUNNSSSS!!!

We then find out that Rat Queen's dad was an inventor and a junkie.

He also probably listened to classical music ...

ARE THEY SLEEPING WITH A RAT BLANKET????

So, yeah, her dad goes bye bye from the junk junk.

Turns out Ratatouillealdsjkfj is a documentary.

Elba looks at Rat Queen and starts to sing dance magic.

We then get Elba's background and we find out he hates rats because his dad put him on an episode of Fear Factory in the family basement.

They finally end up in some town...I think it's some kind of bar or maybe a strip club or possibly the local theater.

Hard to tell.

They're there to find some dude named Sinker or Stinker or Beaker?

Beaker it is.

Cena wants to get booze while Candy dots starts to act like the Page Master and talk about stats for deaths and shit.

Fake Robocop reminds us he's in teh movie by wearing a stupid hat and doing a toast.

We find out that none of them can dance and none of them can hold their liquor.

I'd fit right in on the not dancing part but

*chugs*

not the other part.

We also...see Candy Dot dancing amongst his moms.

Meanwhile, Street Shark is crying in the van because he's lonely.

Like in that song "I'm Mr. Owner of the Lonely Heart Clubs Squad."

We see Rodin enter and then the police soldiers.

They're there to get some booze or people or something or who knfasdodgsuihfdojakljg

Elba goes up to Rodin and threatens to send Omar after his ass if he doesn't sneak him into the chamber of starship secrets.

The soldiers go into the bar and wants the Damn Yankees.

They start a game of Papers Please!

They decide that they want to go into the backdoor...

HA. BUTT SEX THING!

Elba gives himself up.

Fake robocop wants us to remember he's in the movie, so he surrunders himself and cena, too.

Oh, boobs!!!!

The rat queen and candy dots takes Rodin into the backdoor and take him into the van with street shark.

Meanwhile, the soldiers drive elba, cena, and fake robocop.

The soldiers tell them they're going to join Harley Davidson.

And then their maker.

Elba asks for a smoke and then starts talking about plot points from Bloodsport.

OHHH. THAT'S WHY HE'S CALLED BLOODSPORT.

They do a splits and punch the soldiers in their dicks.

Cena then commits several acts of liberty on the soldiers driving and the truck decides to spin around like a record baby right right right round.

The truck flips off the road and they should all be basically barley paste.

They're not, though, and the others pick them up for band practice.

Oh, man.

Fillion was only in this for like 3 minutes..he's half the reason I watched this.

They're gonna go hammer the starfish, but Fake Robocop talks about needing to go find lube and Harley Davidson.

Hahaha.a

Margot is killlllinngggg this role.

She's singing "I ain't got nobody" as they torture her like in Lethal Weapon when Riggs got tortured by Busey.

They ask how many Americans there are and Harley Davidson makes Kevin from the office proud by saying 69.

Hehehe...69.

We find out that Fake Robocop won't leave any man behind or woman behind or bike for boomers who want to feel rebellious behind.

Margot is left to a single person in the room.

The dude immediately turns his back on her to sext.

Harley Davidson then flips the script and rides a man's shoulders and snaps it like she's Sonya Blade in Mortal Kombat

After breaking the guy's neck, she does a Thai massage on him.

Then takes the key as payment and acts like an ape using her toes to unlock.

She then goes out and Ready or Nots the dick out of everyone

She then pulls an equilibrium move.

She then smashes one dude's head in like that scene in Tango & Cash where they crack Robert Z'dar's face.

She then goes out with 2 guns like Doc Holiday and ...she shits flowers????

That's a fun visual.

Basicaly, Harlley Davidson lives in her own magical world of flowers and birds and blood is flowers and birds and flower blood birds and flowers that bird blood flowers.

She goes outside, covered in blood, but because she's a white woman...the taxi picks her up.

Davidson Privilege, man. It's killer.

We see Elba and Fake Robocop trying to sneak as well as I do to the fr...

HEY. HOW DARE YOU MAKE A RATatouille JOKE? I ALREADY DID THAT!!

They're about to break in when Harley Davidson says "Sup"

And they're all like "Man. We were going to rescue you" and she hugs them and then...wackiness ensues.

We then get a scene like the end of the Avengers talking about food and shit.

And then we get the "If you don't do X...you die" scene that reminds me of my 4th grade theater production of Fiddler on the Roof.

They're going to use Rodin to sneak in and the rat queen is going to use rats to...

*burps*

gremlin the shit out of the video feeds.

Fake Robocop keeps trying to remind me that he's in the movie.

Anyway. They try to sneak into starfish building with Rodin driving.

The others hide like it's the ending of My Fellow Americans. Ha. That's a reference no one will get!

We find out that it can be SUNNY AS FUCK AND RAIN ALL THE FUCK.

Harley Davidson then talks about how rain is angel jizz.

That's actually a scientific fact.

We watch them all do a slo mo hero walk in angel jizz as Harley and Fake Robocop eye fuck.

We then see the squad go pew pew and the soldiers go dead dead

Some poor soldier gets Jaws to all hell.

Hey. Go read my Jaws review.

https://twitter.com/Soundsaboutrig4/status/1422750071636914178

They break into the building and make Rodin seal the door like it's Star Wars.

The doors close and

*burp*

This is reverse Return of the Jedi with the breaking into the sheild place on the stupid Ewok planet.

The soldiers try to b

*snores*

*wakes up*

Oh, god. DON'T MAKE ME REVIEW THE ROOM!!!

General Naboo calls his soldiers to take out the squad and they all piss off as the rebels...well...the remaining rebels go in.

We then get reminded that Fake Robocop is in teh movie as he walks into a...zombie film?

So it turns out that Rodin has trapped Starfish and his pod people and is torturing them by making the Starfish read my movie reviews.

THE MONSTER!

We see the bigger Starfish dude is in some kind of

*burps*

glass aquarium.

And...everyone looks like cyclops.

Fake Robocop tries to seem this is disgusting.

We then find out that Rodin is working for the US government.

WHAT A PLOT

*farts*

TWIST

See. The squad was sent in to stop the General Mills from misusing the Starfish.

We then see Fake Robocop trying to seem important by kicking computers and pulling out random things from the computer.

Cena betrays Fake Robocop...

Wait. No. Fake Robocop betrayed Viola and Cena is keeping him from betraying them.

OH, who cares.

We all know our government does all kinds of evil shit.

This one would barely make the front page.

There's an explosion and it turns out that Starfish is free.

The first thing Starfish does is tentacle ...uh...penetrate Rodin.

It's like the tree from the evil dead

Rat Queen escapes while Rodin continues to get carried by tentacles by the starfish like a puppet master.

Then he gets split and smashed against the window.

He explodes like that dude who gets hit by the truck in Robocop.

Fake Robocop reminds us he's in this movie by fighting Cena.

Cena, for some reason, is having a problem killing someone.

Mostly because Fake Robocop has plot armor on.

Cena is acting like a Boomer and thinks kicking a computer disk will break it.

Then Fake Robocop starts to choke-wank Cena..errr...

strangle...
HOLY SHIT YEAH!

Fake Robocop gets shanked by Cena.

IT'S IN THE BONE IT'S IN THE BONEEEEE!

Cena sees Rat Queen and Rat Queen picks up the disk to

I mean you knew this would happen.

Cena chases her and I bet the rats

*burps*

will save her.

Meanwhile, a large starfish is blinking (like a butthole).

Cena catches her and, instead of offing her immediately, does a bad guy monologue and gets ...

OKAY. CUT TO 8 MINUTES BEFORE...WHATEVER!!

Well. If this movie is going to piss all over timelines, I'm gonna go piss.

Be back in a few.

We cut over to Elba and the others as they start the boom boom clock.

Street Shark is now Sewer Shark hHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA

SEGA CD WAS GREAT!!

And he goes into some aquarium.

It's during covid so noone is there.

Inside the aquarium is a martian from sesame street..

Then hundreds of them appear

THey start going "YEP YEP YEP UH HUH"

As Sewer Shark plays with them.

glad we got this scene

Then we cut to the others when they get attacked by soldiers and polka dots uses his candy dots to fizzle pop the soldiers.

Polka Dot is sad that the driver got ganked.

Dude. You're a nihilist. You shouldn't care.

Come on.

We all know this was here just so you could argue about some dude named Milton and why he was with them.

HE'S NO PETER!!!!!

BRING BACK PETER!!!!

Then polka candy dots accidentally set us up the bomb

Everything goes boom and the aquarium sewer shark was at is now proper fucked and floods the

*burps*

building.

It turns into Deep Blue Sea and LL Cool J starts to sing "My Head is like a shark fin."

We find out that the martians are actually like those creatures on Galaxy Quest. They seem sweet, but they bite.

It quickly turns into Titanic and sewer shark crashes down.

Turns out that Harley Davidson would let go, too.

Sewer Shark gets shot a bunch and then they shoot at Elba who is dangling like frank's dong at the hospital.

Sewer Shark gets up and starts to eat people.

Can...can I just call him Land Shark now?

Land Shark eats a bunch of people as the tower falls with candy dot, Harley Davidson, and Elba try to run out of it.

It's like the football field after Bane got ahold of it.

They leap out and Davidson uses the javelin and elba smashes into a wall

and polka dances away.

Elba falls down and hero lands and the floors start to fall one by one.

We cut to Elba landing in front of Cena.

SHOULD HAVE JUST SHOT HER INSTEAD OF DOING A MONOLOGUE!!!

Cena and Elba stare like Charlie and Mac

Then they both shoot and their bullets collide, but Elba's smaller bullets Robin Hood the shit out of the bullet and Cena bleeds the fuck out.

The Rat Queen is finally awake enough to tell Elba about the data Snake Plis...shit...THIS IS NOT ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK GOD DAMMIT!

We then cut to more cannon fodder coming forward as the Starfish breaks out of the shorts to shart on everyone.

The Squad runs out as Starfishjfdkfdsgs

Hey. It's my other scene!

(I posted before...but here you go)

The Starfish yells a bit as the soldiers shot bullets

Then the starfish lifts an armpit and shits out a bunch of pod peopl starfish facehuggers.

They facehugger the shit out of the soldiers to turn them into pod people.

General Naboo realizes that his dreams of creating the first studio film starring him are over, so he lets the starfish take him over.

Maybe it could make better life choices for him.

We then cut to a TV show showing the starfish starring in the fish show of starfish.

The rebels, like an hour after the soldiers left and they went inside, go inside the gov. building and...uh

Scarface the shit out of people.

At that moment the star fish people all wake up and start to do synchronized Thriller dancing.

The Stay Puft marshmellow man starts to head towards the city with the thriller dancers.

Viola and her people see the feed now and they watch Starzilla attack the city.

STARZILLA...GET IT??? IT'S LIKE GODZILLA!!

We find out that Viola wants her squad to leave the island and its people to be dominated by Lord Starlord.

The people are all getting turned into pod people and the Starzilla is just fucking up shit as he Stay Puft Marshmellowmans the dick out of the town.

The Squad begins to leave...but I bet Rat Queen will do a rousing speech or Elba will have a chan...

AND THERE WE GO.

Elba has a change of heart. His character

*burps*

has a McDonald's arch

Viola is pissed they're disobeying a direct order.

She's gonna have their badge and guns.

She swears like I am when watching a Twilight Movie.

Before Viola can kill them, a subordinate beats the fuck out of her.

i mean..I know some people fantasize about offing their boss...but god damn.

This is some Belko Experiment shit.

The Squad all gather to stop Stay Puft and his pod people.

They go pew pew and walk walk and pew walk walk pew walk run run run run RUNNNN MOTHER FUCKER. OMAR COMIN'!!!!

We then see the pod zombies shuffling towards the squad and we get a good ole last stand.

Elba tells Land Shark that the starfish is tasty. Uh. Sharks know starfish are tasty.

Land Shark starts to eat the fish.

Meanwhile, Polka Dot sees his mom and not the starfish. So it's a Karenzilla.

AM I RIGHT?

Candy Dots starts to shit dots all over his Karenzilla mom.

We also see synchronized pain as the pod people react to being attacked.

Candy Dots screams "I'm a super hero" as the camera angles in a way to tell you he's going to be crushed.

YEP....CRUSHED.

Like my hopes for this movie after Fillion died.

Elba starts to zombie movie the pod people with his knives and shit.

They grab onto hHHAHA...THESE PEOPLE LOOK RIDICULOUS WITH A PURPLE STARFISH CYCLOPS FACE HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Elba saves Rat Queen/Daughter substitute as the zombies circle around them.

Elba doesn't have his normal weapons.

Some woman screams 'THIS IS SPARTA!!!!!!!'

Rat Queen then calls forth the rats.

She pied pipers the dick out of the pod people with her rats.

Man. ARE YOU SHOCKED THAT THE PERSON WHO CAN CONTROL RATS ENDED UP USING RATS TO ATTACK PEOPLE WHEN THIS WAS FORESHADOWED EARLIER???????

Elba has an indiana Jones panic attack as the rats crawl over him.

Then the rats swarm the Starfish and start to eat its booty like it's crab leg night at the local cheap buffet.

We cut to Korg (her dad) hugging Rat Queen in Paris in a flashback.

Cool...glad we got that shot.

We then cut back to starfish being rat fucked .

Then Harley Davidson uses the javelin to pierce the eye.

The rats comes in and...hello nightmare fuel.

There are stories of diabetics in comas having their eyes eaten by ants in third world countries.

It's basically that.

Ugh. The rats eating their way into teh eye is like sperm going into the egg.

So...

OH. SHIT.

THIS IS THE PREQUEL TO LOOK WHO'S TALKING!!

The Starfish dies and the pod people are released from being pod people like in puppet master (book and movie).

Heinlein would be proud...except for giving women leading roles and not being...okay...he wouldn't be happy but fuck that dude.

We then cut to Elba's kid seeing her dad on TV.

She records it for instagram karma.

Turns out that the people have decided to have free elections.

That never works out...

We then see Elba blackmailing Viola with the tapes to keep her from offing them.

Viola is alive and the office dynamic is gonna be AWKWARD AS FUCKKKK from now on.

It turns out Land shark lived and rat queen hugs him.

How cute.

Harley Davidson seems sad that Elba didn't release the blackmail.

Hahaha...Margot is great.

Land Shark is taught num num from people as they hero walk to the helicopter and start to leave.

Should I point out that none of these people did themselves in they all..

OH. IT'S REFERRING TO THE DANGEROUS NATURE OF WHAT THEY'RE DOING BEING THE EQUIVALENT.

Right.

Ratatourieieaesl snuggles upon Elba's leg as he pets it like he's Claw in Inspector Gadget.

And that's the end of S***** Squad.

No...wait.

The Weasel wakes up.

it's not dead.

That's good.

I liked him.

Is this gonna LOTR the ending?

Gollum gets up and goes into the jungle looking for its precious.

He's gonna Jersey Devil the shit out of the locals.

Okay.

Now we're done.

That was S******************* Squad.

It was a movie and not anywhere near the worst DC movie, but that's not saying anything.

I mean...watch it if you want to see some fun scenes and Margot continue to eat all the scenery in history.

I will say I wasn't bored, so that counts for something.

The after credits is Cena and

blah blah who cares

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