Thread by @Soundsaboutrig4

Not a lot of people know this, but @Soundsaboutleft’s real name is Walter White. They made a little documentary about him for the flashy box called Breaking Bad Boys.

Here’s how he started down this pathway to perdition and a blue obsession.

#BreakingBad

As you can see from the attached photo, he got really into hazmat suits and house tenting.

(I created that from some random ass site and it’s too perfect not to share)

So join me as we watch the pilot episode of Left’s journey to Breaking Not So Well.

We start out on some cacti and some action shots of an RV and a hot guy wearing Walter Whitey Tighties. He crashes the RV in the desert. The RV had no name.

The dude gets out pisssseeeddd that he crashed. He didn’t get he extra insurance and he’s gonna owe big. He starts to freak out as cops approach.

He starts to get dressed and screams “Ya gotta maintain, bro!”

He goes back into the RV and looks at an unconscious Jessie who is hotboxing inside his gas mask.

Walter screams “Jesse. We must cook!”

(@BryanCranston and @aaronpaul_8 might be my favorite duo in tv history.)

Walter gets out a video camera so he can record for Instagram.

He starts to speak into the camera and gives all his personal data. Dude. That’s how you end up getting people pranking you by tossing pizzas onto your roof.

We find out that 1) Walter thinks he’s a lawyer and thinks saying cops can’t listen means they can’t use this video as evidence and 2) This is set in Albuquerque.

I have friends there. I spent a ton of time visiting them. None of this show surprises me.

Walter says goodbye to his family as the police come closer. He pulls a gun out of his Walter Whities. He goes up and points the pew pew and we cut to the best credits everrr.

We jump back three weeks to Walter laying in his bed with insomnia. I feel ya, bud.

We see him working out using those little step boxes they used to power Rick’s car in that episode Stephen Colbert was in.

Oh, god. We live in a generated world that powers some asshole’s space vehicle!!!!

Walter is looking at his accomplishments from long ago and lamenting. Yeah. Not gonna help you sleep, dude.

We cut to Walter getting a breakfast with eggs and bacon that spells out 50. I guess he turned 39.

His wife (Skylord) made him that. Well. Veggie bacon.

We find out that Walter has a sucky secondary job?? And a cough and a son.

Their kid complains about the bacon and for no longer being the only kid.

Walt drives up to his school in an Aztek or some shit. Oof.

Walter goes inside to teach chemistry.

He basically does this:

He tries to get his students interested but they’re too busy with their Friendsters and their message boards and Vanilla Coke.

Walter is like Rodney.

Walter is at his second job of working at a shitty car wash.

His boss sucks and makes Walter scrub cars on his damn birthday.

There one of his dbag kids is getting his car cleaned by Walter and tries to humiliate him and takes his photo. That’s how you get an F, Todd or whatever your dumb name is.

Walter has to deal with a broken glove box and a surprise party.

The dude is like five seconds from pulling a Falling Down

We then meet Skylord’s sister Marie Antoinette and her brother in law, Hank.

Hank is a D E A agent who loves the dick out of minerals.

The surprise birthday party sucks. No wonder the dude sells crystal pepsi.

Hank, being Hank, turns on the TV to brag about a Pepsi bust he had.

Walt sees a ton of cash at the bust and he asks Hank how much it is. 700,000.

Walt asks if it’s unusual.

The dude is already mentally playing with doing bad shit to make that dolla.

Hank says he’ll take him on a ride along.

“I’ll let you beat a suspect if you want.”

Walter’s birthday present from his wife is the most unenthusiastic hand jobbers since Debbie Downer gave one to James K Polk.

Walter is having a difficult time getting his crack rocks off.

Man. Skylord is a great wife. I’d marry the hell out of her.

We cut to Walt at his trash second job moving large barrels of stuff when he sees a woman.

He has a coughing fit and passes the fuck out. I mean she’s hot, but not that hot, Walt.

Walt is in the ambule lamps and realizing he’s going to have to pay for this shit. That be 74747483 since this country is a shithole in regards to healthcare and other things.

Walter gets an MRI and we find out he is proper fucked.

He’s got the big C and I don’t mean a C U next Tuesday.

Walter turns into Monk as he finds out he’s gonna die. He worries about mustard on the doctor’s tie or some such.

Walter goes home and doesn’t tell his wife. He then goes to work where he listens to white static or has really bad tinnitus.

His boss tries to get him to go clean cars again and Walter does what everyone who has a crappy job wants to do.

Tells his boss to go fuck himself and throws shit.

Walter goes into his backyard and we find out he’s a pyro. He then calls his brother in law. He wants to beat up some suspects.

We cut to Hank and his partner in front and Walt in back. Hank’s partner (Gomez) knows his colors. “It’s sage.”

They’re about to hit a math house. There’s a guy named Captain Cook who is doing illegal calculus.

Hank makes a racist bet and the swat team goes in.

We also find out a little bit about math. Like math can kill you if you inhale it’s geometric nature.

The cops go in and catch some dude. They then flip the house as a “Fixer Upper.”

Hank makes more racist jokes with his partner.

Walt asks to go in. Hank says okay, but they need to check to make sure it’s safe from Algebra

We then see Jesse fall out the window of his lover’s wind…did they show her titties when it originally aired????????!!!!!

Walt sees Jesse and recognizes him. Jesse escapes while screaming “How do magnets work???!”

That night Jesse gets home when he hears a noise. It’s Walt. Walt is there to talk about trigonometry.

Walt insults Jesse and then asks if he wants to make some cash.

Walt wants to team up. He asks if he’s “wicked smart like that Bourne Hunting Harvard Yale guy.”

Walter wants to be the cook and Jesse the business guy.

Cook & Business sounds like a hipster cafe.

Walt makes Jesse an offer he can’t refuse. “Sell the math I make or go to jail.”

We then listen to Skylord’s sister shitting on her writing career. Man. Her sister sucks in these early seasons.

Marie wants to know about her sister’s sex life. Ew.

We then see Walt taking a bunch of equipment from his school. He leaves a note “I totally didn’t steal this to make math.”

Walt shows off all this nerd stuff to Jesse. Jesse is like “No, science.”

Walt and Jesse get into a debate about science versus art.

Jesse says Walt “art to recognize.”

Walt is such a nerd. He has safety equipment. Like anyone has ever been hur…errr

Jesse. Ease upon on the homophobic slurs.

Walt wants to cook math at Jesse’s place. No dice.

Jesse says an RV is the key. “We can go die of thirst in the desert!”

Walt goes to his bank and takes all his money out. All $28

He gives it to Jesse to buy the RV.

Walt tries to leave, but Jesse goes “Hey. I need to say the name of the show, dammit. Break Bad. Okay. That’s not as good as Breaking Bad. Man. Breaking Bad. Great title”

Walt had already left to get another lackluster handy.

We cut to Junior in the dressing room. He asks for his dad to help him.

(Junior is a legit great character and well played. He adds some much needed sympathy for Walt)

A few pieces of shit make fun of Junior. Walt glares at them and then goes in back. Those guys doing that deserve to get ganked.

Skylord goes to say something, but Walt comes in and goes all Falling Down on those dbags and they deserve everrrryyyyyy bit of it.

Hahaha. Bryan Cranston is one of the greatest actors ever.

The dbags wuss out and leave after Walt emasculates them.

We cut to Walt being in the desert with an RV with no name.

Jesse only sees “cow houses.”

Walt strips for Jesse. He gets down to his Walter Whities.

Jesse pulls out a camera and starts to record Walt cook math. Uh. This is why some criminals are easily caught.

Walt tells him to turn it off.

We then get a tutorial on how to make pure mathematics. Apparently it was so real that the authorities told them to stop showing how to make Crystal Pepsi.

(There’s a reason this is considered one of the greatest shows ever)

After they finish the formulas, Jesse freaks out “I can’t believe you solved all of Hilbert's problems!!”

Walt says “It’s elementary my dear math head.”

Jesse goes to try it, but Walt says “Don’t get high on your own equations.”

Walt then asks Jesse how they go forward. Jesse wants to meet a math dealer.

This dude has a Rottweiler and a need to watch puppets get their dicks eaten.

Jesse shows a sample of the new math.

We find out that the dude who got got earlier is this dude’s cousin. He cousin comes out and is pisssseeeddddd.

They treat Jesse like a piñata and make him go to Walt.

Walt puts on his grocer’s apron as Jesse and friends appear.

The dealer dude wants Walt to work for him. “Minimum wage and all the crank you can ask for.”

At that moment the cousin says that Walt is with the DBA. Math Law Enforcement.

The cousin wants to gank them them. Walt offers to tutor them in math if he lets them go.

The cousin duct tapes Jesse up. I think it’s a kink thing.

The cousin goes in to see Walt and the dealer learning all about calc 2.

The cousin tosses his cigarette into the brush saying “We need a brush fire to make this more dramatic.”

Walt starts to add more stuff when he intentionally mixes the wrong chemicals. It causes a flash and then he starts to fart inside the RV. It’s those Arby farts that could peel paint.

The dealer and cousin succumb to the Arby farts as Walter sees the brush fire. Smokey the Bear comes up screaming “Hey. Give me some of that crystal blue persuasion!!!”

Walter freaks there’s a math addicted bear, masks up Jesse, loses his pants, and drives down the desert road.

He drives about as well as me after a head injury and slams into a cut back to the beginning of the episode with a pew pew pointed at the screen.

Walter is screaming lyrics to an Ice T song, but he forgets the lyrics. He gets mad and decides to…uh. Twitter will not let me post specifically. Let’s just say he’s going to Hemingway it.

Luckily, the pew pew mispews. He points it away and is goes pew pew in the ground.

Walter is ready to give himself up when he realizes it’s fire trucks.

He screams “Am I sexy enough to be in your calendars,” but they ignore him and go to put out the fire.

Jesse wakes up at that point and says “I hope you don’t let a girl I love go out like Jimi Hendrix.”

Jesse asks how he yanked those dudes and Walt tells millions how to recreate WWI.

Walt then pukes and pulls a Monk. “We gotta clean this up!”

We cut to Walt literally laundering money. Like. Money in a drier. Bit on the nose.

Walt gets into the bed. His wife asks who he is or what’s going on. Walt is trying to sleep and lies about it is all good.

Walt then has slightly more passionate sexy time with Skylord. Then he gets a bit…ugh. We have to hear their climax noises and his coughing. Way to kill my math boner.

Well. That was Breaking Bad’s pilot and it’s awesome.

The show starts out pretty damn good and skyrockets in season 3. Each season after is just some of the best tv ever made. Love this show.

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