Thread by @Soundsaboutrig4

Since today is

*checks calendar*

The day before Saturday the 14th, I decided to talk about my own camp experiences back in the 1980s.

@Soundsaboutleft and I went to camp near Crystal Lake here in California.

#FridayThe13th #JasonVoorhees #Cheesecakeisevil

I should say that my mom was a little reluctant about it, but she, eventually, came around to it.

Dad wasn't around a lot. He left Left and I, but not before going "I will never show up in any canon because go fuck yourself."

I can tell you that I had so much fun there. The times we had. We hiking. The swimming. The running away from axe-wielding maniacs who would pull a machete out of their ass and magically teleport.

And said entity would break through a window and give you a big ole bear hug!

All these memories really bring back my love of camp and ...reanimated revenants??????

I mean...I guess revenant implies the reanimated part. Since a revena...

Anyway.

In honor of all of that, I'm going to live review Friday the 13th. No. Not the first one. That had Jason's mom in it.

And not the second one. That's basically when he looked like the dude from The Town That Dreaded Sundown.

The third one was fine and he got the mask, but 3D.

The fourth has that amazing dancing, but...uh...

The fifth one had Roy in it. He somehow had all of Jason's powers.......so screw that.

And since 6 is before 7, I'm going to review 6.

That's...that's just how it's going to happen. Okay?

Don't...STOP JUDGING MY SELECTION!

Anyway. I'm live reviewing Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives With His Mom

It starts out with a truck going down the road while Tommy Jarvis and his buddy (Cannon Fodder) are on their way to poke Jason with a stick.

Tommy Hellfigure wants to go desecrate Jason's grave and ...give him back his mask???

They go from daytime to nighttime before the script asked for it.

They walk through the graveyard to find Jason's grave.

It says "Here lies an asshole who murdered a bunch of people because he was pissed they had sex."

Tommy pulls out a shovel so he can talk to Jason.

Hell. He didn't even bring salt to Supernatural the corpse.

Rookie mistake, Tommy.

They make quick work of digging it up and Tommy breaks open the casket because...I mean you got to reanimate Jason somehow.

I mean Tommy does have a reason to hate Jason. He ganked his mom and basically mentally broke Tommy and his sister.

And Jason is covered in all kinds of nasty things like maggots and bugs and Arby's.

Tommy stares at it and has a flashback to when he was Corey Feldspar.

Tommy somehow is the strongest person ever and rips out a metal post from a fence and just goes to town on Jason's body.

Just stabbing the dick out of it.

Tommy screams "I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU COME BACK FROM THAT. IT'S NOT LIKE METAL DURING A THUNDER STORM HAS EVER RESURRE...OOPS"

We see lightning strike the metal rod inside Jason.

In the background we hear Dr. Frankenstein scream "IT'S ALIVE!!!" and Jason gets up.

Tommy wants to POUURRRR SOMEEE GASSSSSOOOOLINEEEEEE

Before that happens, Jason arises from his grave

Tommy throws the gas at Jason, but it starts to rain a...

HOLY SHIT HE RIPPED TOMMY'S FRIEND'S HEART OUT!!!

Tommy runs away like Jason is a killer rabbit.

Jason puts his mask back on and screams "THANKS FOR BRINGING ME BACK AND GIVING ME MY ORIGINAL MASK!!"

We then see Jason pull a James Bond..hahaha

This movie could be called "Self Aware."

We cut to Jason walking with purpose and Tommy going into the sheriff station.

The sheriff pulls out a gun and points it at Tommy.

Uhh...why??

Like...why would you point a gun at some ra...oh...right...cop.

Tommy then does exposition where we find out the Sheriff knows who he is.

Jason had murdered Tommy's family and the Sheriff says that he's lying.

The sheriff puts Tommy behind the bars.

We also find out that it's no longer Crystal Lake. It's Forrest Green.

The sheriff just sheriffs the dick out of Tommy's rights.

We cut to a couple in a VW bug going through the woods.

It's that dude who played the bad guy in Ghost and some woman.

We find out these are the head councilors for the camp.

They're stopped by Jason and self-awareness.

The woman starts to back up because she knows he's crazy

She gets stuck and the guy sees Jason standing there with a metal spear.

He wants her to just drive to him to "scare him off."

Jason is only scared of two things. 1) Cheesecake and 2) Women seeing his dong.

They honk and Jason spears the bug.

The dude pulls out a pew pew and gets out to second amendment Jason.

Jason proves spear beats pew pew.

Jason smashes her windshield and she tries to escape.

When that doesn't work, she tries to bribe him.

What. Do you think he's a politician?

Ha. Political humor!

But Jason is a marxist and screams "Your money means nothing since you've taken the means of production from the worker and are part of the bourgeoisie."

He shanks her good.

We cut over to Tommy in the cage and the sheriff and his daughter and her friends come in asking the sheriff to find the head councilors. Ya know...the ones who got got.

Tommy screams conspiracy theories "Jason Can't Melt Steel Beams!"

The sheriff tells his daughter "Go watch your friends get butchered while I take Tommy to the edge of the city limits."

We then cut to the graveyard digger getting drunk and pissed someone dug up Jason's grave.

He puts dirt back over the casket and then breaks the fourth wall because this movie is beyond self-aware.

We cut to the camp with the younger councilors bringing supplies in while the sheriff's daughter (Megan) talks about getting all hot and bothered by a criminal.

Man. No wonder Jason hates Tommy.

Dude is basically a incel.

We then, for the first time in the Friday the 13th series, get actual campers.

The councilors realize they screwed up.

"Previous councilors got to have sex and get butchered. We have to watch kids and get butchered WTF!"

We then cut to walking corpses. No. Not Jason. It's random people who are just there to be 1) Unable to see Jason 3 feet from them and 2) Add to the body count

These people are there for a paintball game in a corporate retreat.

Corporate retreats suck ass in general, but to have to die with your coworkers? That's how ghosts are made.

We see Louis Litt screaming about women defeating him in a game just before Jason tells him to have a nice day

We then see the rest of the execs get exec-uted.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH

Tommy is being escorted out of the town limits when he goes on a detour to the cemetery.

He wants to prove Jason is alive like Johnny 5.

They have a pulse slowing chase through the cemetery and Tommy gets caught before he can get there.

The sheriff points out that the grave was covered over.

Apparently fresh packed dirt isn't suspicious.

We also find out the deputy has a laser pointer.

We then cut to Megan trying to get the girl campers excited about their doomed camp.

We then cut to Cort (a male councilor) being prejudiced and culturally insensitive. Holy crap.

There's a camper who is a sarcastic prick and he's the best character in this movie.

The cemetery overwatcher looker guy is walking through the woods as we see 2 picnickers are out in the dark getting drunk and getting engaged and...

Seriously. That sounds miserably.

Anyway. They only exist to add to the body count.

So we'll call them Fodder #1 and Fodder #2

The cemetery gravedigger guy gets drunk in the woods and tosses an empty liquor bottle. Jason catches it and is PISSSEEEDDD that the dude littered, so Jason goes on a rampage.

He takes out cemetery guy and Fodder #1 and Fodder #2.

I should say Fodder #1 was smart enough to run

They get on their...vespa??? when Jason makes them a permanent couple.

We switch back to the campers in their bunks.

Jason is probably confused.

"Wait. You mean campers come here sometimes???"

We then have a card game that's "Camp Blood"

It's basically the NES game.

A camper screams and the councilors go running to the bunks.

They listen to one camper saying she saw a monster.

"He was big and terrifying and kept saying 'Make America Something Again.' He looked like an Oompa Loompa!"

We cut to Cort and some female councilor in an RV ...dry humping?

Like they mimick like they're banging, but they're both fully clothed.

That's...that's not how that works!

Jason can smell the sex...dry humping.

He walks up screaming "NO WIRE CO...ERRR...NO DRY HUMPING! NICE GUYS FINISH LAST!!!"

Jason knocks the power out as Cort:

The woman tells Cort to "Go out and plug the power back in. Try not to get shanked while you're at it!"

I don't know about you, but if I saw the power had been disconnected at Crystal Lake...I'd drive teh fuck away.

Cort and the woman both get out of the RV at some point and realize someone is out there.

Gee. I wonder if Jason got into your RV while you were out.

There's a fake out about the RV not starting, but, again, it's obvious Jason is in the bathroom.

Cort drives like he's running for the governor of California during a recall.

Cort blasts the softest rock music that makes Poison sound like death metal.

Meanwhile, Jason pulls the woman into the bathroom.

Cort seems to get hot at her being in the bathroom and...

Jason comes out and shanks the dude driving and the RV goes ass over tea kettle.

This was the last shot they filmed since it was dangerous and figured "If they get hurt..at least we have the rest of the film already done."

Some dbag keeps going 'ki ki ki ma ma ma' over and over again.

I...I gotta go tell him to stop that. BRB.

We then see the sheriff and Megan taking digs at each other.

Megan talks about her dad pissing to someone on the phone.

Remember when people used to answer phones??

The person on the phone is the deputy. He's found the head councilors...or at least their heads.

HAHAHAHAHAHA

The deputy says it looks like Jason did it and the sheriff thinks Tommy did it because Tommy is broken.

I mean...

We cut to Tommy getting in a truck and has some books.

We find out either he's illiterate or a speed reader.

We cut b/w Megan doing leg lifts and Jason doing hiking.

This is a very exercising-oriented movie. I dig it.

Tommy calls the sheriff, but Megan is there (not the sheriff).

Tommy is in some busted telephone booth and I'm guessing this was a deleted scene that explains why it's broke to shit.

Megan goes to pick him up because she loves that D.

It should be pointed out that Tommy is wanted for questioning in multiple murders and Megan is like "LET'S GO FUCK!"

Jason appears at teh camp and...uh.

This makes me think that Jason wasn't the person the little kid saw before.

So it probably was TFG creeping around.

We cut to a crime scene and the sheriff mad that his jacket isn't puffy enough.

That and the deputy calls for him more corpses.

Okay. So...Jason killed the head councilors like 20 feet from where he killed the execs?

I gotta say I'm disappointed since, usually, the Friday the 13th series never goofs on little details like this...or how the first movie makes any sense when Jason appears to have not drowned.

So...why did his mom go crazy?

Whatever.

The sheriff and deputy think Tommy did it and the deputy is self aware that it's Friday the 13th.

Has...has the deputy seen the previous films?

Jason does some light utilities work with his machete and the phone??? lines

Because the power is still on.

One of the councilors yells out the window "YOU DAMN KIDS GO BACK TO BED SO I CAN PLAY A CARD GAME!"

The councilor thinks it's another councilor outside playing. She pours a soda on someone blindly.

Ha. Take that Jason you little bitch.

Jason then pulls the councilor out the window and she...loses her head!!!!!!!!

A diff. councilor hears this and doesn't care. She's tired.

I undertsand.

Megan pulls up to pick up Tommy.

He goes "Hey...you can't come with me!"

Megan lays down the law. I like Megan.

We go back to the campers and get some sweet gerbil wheel running action...oh...and Jason is carrying a headless corpse.

It's a new toy for the kids!!

Man. This movie has a ton of visual gags and is self-aware...as in they did it before Scream.

Megan has to turn around at a road block and gives Tommy a look at her electric boogaloo if you know what I mean.

...

I mean her vajita.

The deputy calls the sheriff and tells her that his daughter is driving off with Tommy.

Tommy tries to concentrate on other things but...I mean. No blood north of his waist.

And yes...north is up.

Ugh...no one is going to get a reference to City Slickers 2.

Does...does anyone remember that movie? I liked it.

Ah. Right. Sorry. Jason movie.

Megan gets stopped by her dad and her dad sees Tommy looking at her ...uhh...what's the best way...

uh.

Her happy bits.

The sheriff is pisseddddd

We then see a bloody machete get carried to a sleeping councilor.

It's a camper carrying it and...the councilor thinks it's fake blood.

Uh. That machete would smell horrendously and would obviously be real.

Man. This Jason movie isn't very realistic.

We cut to the sheriff still mad that Tommy and his daughter seem to be a thing.

The sheriff gets a call.

"Seven Days!"

https://twitter.com/Soundsaboutrig4/status/1422391049452802051

Actually. It's him finding out more people got got and the sheriff thinks Tommy did it.

Megan says "Dad. I'm his alibi. We were looking at each other's naughty nethers during the time of the shankings."

Tommy is still put into the cage.

Man.

How much cooler would this movie be if Jason sang opera as he butchered?

Oh, man. Please...please get through the legal battle and let me write a script for a new Jason movie where he sings opera.

PLEASSEEE!

Oh...right. Uh..

We cut back to the camper kid getting put back to bed by the councilor who has no sense of smell.

The kid is scared, but the councilor is like "I'm going to go do ..

HOLY SHIT JASON IS IN THE WINDOW BEHIND HER AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE. WTF!!!

I'm starting to think these characters aren't self-aware...only the script is.

We heard the birds of war in the woods as the councilor looks for where she's going to die.

The Birds of War continue to stomp clap as the councilor runs to go get stomp clapped.

Finally...FINALLY Jason takes out his councilor.

Ugh. Dude has learned patience but I haven't.

We cut back to the police station and Megan is sending love notes to Tommy "I want dat DDDDDDDDDDD"

They create up some fake drama so they can set it up that tommy takes her snausage...wait...hostess?

HOSTTTTAGGEEEE.

That's the word.

He also makes out with her b/w bars and...he's a lousy kisser.

No. It was just a distraction so Megan can pull his laser pointer pew pew out and make him release Tommy.

Hahaha...the deputy looks like Rudolph and I don't meant the disgraced lawyer/ex-mayor's full name.

They escape and Tommy takes the keys from Megan, but she is a strong woman and gets in.

She's not going to let him dictate. She just wants his dict...

hehehe

god i'm so funny

They head back to the camp and Tommy tells us that he can only send Jason back by chaining his ass in the lake.

Uh...how do people know shit like Jason will fall for his mom's swear or for a kid shaving their head?

Jason walks through the camper's bunk and looks around for his dropped car keys.

One of the campers is awake and...dude...I would have shat myself.

The girl thinks she's in sunday school as Jason leans down to ask her if his breath stinks.

Jason leaves when he hears a noise outside.

It's the sheriff and his fodder deputies.

They split up because it's easier to get butchered that way.

The sheriff knocks on the door and opens it up to see that scene from Dexter. The room of blood.

The Deputy Fodder go out and get got by like...needlenose pliers and shit.

The sheriff goes to check on the campers and is like "Eh...why warn them. Let them sleep and dream about Wonka chocolate bars with golden tickets."

Deputy Fodder #2 finds the missing camper and then he misses his head not being crushed.

The deputy goes back to get a pew pew when the missing camper jump scares him.

The sheriff points his pew pew at her and screams "FREEZE. YOU'RE UNDER ARREST FOR ALL THESE MURDERS!!"

The sheriff rounds up all the kids into one bunker to make it easier.

He tells them to do the tornado drill stance and the kids fucking hero dive under the beds...awesome!

The sheriff goes out to find Jason.

What he finds is Dead Fodder.

Oh...and that his spine can, like the Fresh Prince's life, get flipped upside down.

Megan and Tommy arrive and Megan goes into the Dexter room.

She freaks...I would too.

Megan then goes into the campers room and they scream and then gather around to hug her.

I...I...I would at least take some of the kids away from that place. Just saying!

Tommy goes out to the dock and pulls out some chain. He grabs a big ass rock and manhandles it to the boat.

meanwhile, Jason continues to play cat and mouse with the sheriff.

The sarcastic camper from before knows what's up.

"What do you think?"

"I think we're dead meat."

I would have been friends with that camper.

Tommy tells Megan to use her dad's radio to call for help, the sheriff, and to be the 69th caller for WKILLS contest for tickets to see Poison.

Megan misunderstands and just screams.

Jason hears her and the sheriff comes out screaming "No, daughter?" or some shit?

He starts kicking the hell out of Jason and probably does more damage with his hands than anyone else.

Jason turns him into an accordion, though.

Tommy chains the rock to the..uh...chain...I mean...

Okay he's making an anchor with a

Megan runs and screams. Jason grabs her and Tommy distracts him by emasculating Jason.

Like calling him "bitch tits" and "stupid face" and "perma-virgin."

Tommy waits for Jason and Jason is reverse-Jesus. He can't walk on water.

He walks on the bottom of the lakebed.

Tommy, wanting more drama and better artwork for the back of the vhs box, sets a circle of fire around the boat.

He starts to sing "Ring of Fire" when Jason pops up.

There's a struggle and Tommy puts the chain around Jason's head holder.

They struggle more and he knocks jason into the lake.

Jason begins to sink, but brings Tommy down with him

Apparently It is around because Tommy floats.

I should point out that the campers have been watching this whole thing.

They are all gonna need serious therapy.

Megan jumps into the lake and grabs Tommy.

But not before Jason grabs her.

She uses the boat propeller to tell him "I just want to be friends"

She slices him up like deli meats

She then drags Tommy out of the lake that's just...nasty as hell.

Pond scum is one thing, but revenant blood has gotta stink.

She saves Tommy and they embrace as the campers circle around them.

Tommy says "It's over"

However, we hear a producer in the background screaming "LIKE HELL IT IS!!!!"

We cut to the next day and zoom in on the nasty lake and then into the water.

We see Jason anchored down in the lake and his eyes open.

The End.

Well. That was Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives Again Because This Did Well At the Box Office.

It's fine.

The next movie is solid, too.

Then it goes to hell.

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