Thread by @Soundsaboutrig4

Not everyone knows, but @Soundsaboutleft and I are from the South.

The 80s were long ago, but I remember having a great time with big weddings where our dad had to get rid of birds with pew pews.

I can tell you all the ladies we knew were strong...Steel Magnolias if you will.

This movie stars Sallt Fields, Shirley Maclaine, Julia Roberts, Olympia Dukakis, and the greatest Southern Girl around these days. @DollyParton

I LOOOOOOOOOVEEEEEEEE DOLLY!!

Anyway. Let's watch Steel Magnolias. I haven't seen this since I was a kid when I was forced to watch it by my mother and cousin.

I hated it as a kid, but that doesn't mean anything. I hated a ton of movies I now love back then.

Going to go grab some Sweet Tea and some cobbler and come back and live review this.

#SteelMagnolias

We start on an idyllic street with beautiful trees and kids riding on their bikes. Not like kids today. Am I right??

Hahaha. Generational insults.

We see that woman who played Roxanne in Roxanne walking down the street. She was in Splash, too. Barrel Hannah Montana I think.

She’s wondering through town aimlessly. Stalking the more expensive houses. Casing the joint.

She walks by a bunch of people getting a house ready for a wedding. An 80s wedding. The colors would make your eyes melt.

A guy jumps out and second amendments the shit out some birds in his trees. Barrel jumps.

We got inside and Eat Pray Awful Movie comes down the stairs calling for Sally Grounds.

Ugh. The pink everything is hideous.

Juliet Roberts complains about her nail polish not being hideous enough. Meanwhile, her brothers drop ice down Sally’s back. Uh. Your kids suck.

Sally is freaking that the champagne glasses are broke and her husband is pew pewing the trees.

We cut to DOOOOLLLYYYYYYY just being the greatest human alive right now. I adore that woman.

She’s yelling at her lazy husband. A guy who quits halfway through dying eggs.

Dolly tells him to stop being lazy and go get more dye.

Barrel Hannah knocks on Dolly’s door.

Dolly yells more at her lazy ass husband.

Dolly invites Barrel in.

We cut to Juliet complaining to her mom (Sally) about her obnoxious brothers pulling pranks on her using condoms. If only you’d used them you wouldn’t have those annoying sons. Just saying!!!

More second amendmenting and we find out her dad is trying to get rid of the birds. The birds might poop on the wedding.

Then we cut to Barrel trying to make the ozone layer bigger by spraying 8 cans of hair spray in Dolly’s hair.

This is a job interview for a hair salon.

Barrel gets the job and Dolly is just the besssttt!!

Dolly, like always, oozes Southern Charm. She is what every Southerner should strive to be like.

She tells her son to take out the trash, but he’s like his dad. Lazy. He drives off on a motorcycle so he can go be in Idle Hands and Heavyweights.

Dolly gives Barrel advice and asks about her life.

We find out Dolly has always lived here. Uh. Generic Southern Town.

Barrel is new in town.

We find out Barrel has no car and walks a ways to get to work.

The boarding house is run by Ruth and Dolly gossips about her.

Gossip and Southern women is basically like oxygen to lungs. Vital.

Olympia Dukakis comes up. Olympia is the besssttttt.

Olympia is one of those Southern women who is a mover and shaker in town.

Oh. I love that woman. So talented.

We find out that Dolly’s previous worker had quit the day before and she hired Barrel. We then hear some gossip about Barrel to Olympia.

Oxygen to lungs.

There is some loud gunfire. It’s Sally’s husband and you can hear it a mile away.

He’s disturbing the whole neighborhood.

Dylan Mchermit comes driving up and sneaks into the house to break the traditional of not seeing his bride (Juliet Eat Pray Sucky Movie) before the wedding.

Dylan is Jackson and Jackson is Dylan and I’m just going to ignore certain southern accents.

Jackson wants to make sure she’ll marry him. Uh. I get this is a joke, but …oh. You just wanted to see her nude.

And to imply you have issue with child bearing.

Sally’s husband (Drum) comes inside to Al Bundy the bathroom. Newspaper and all.

Sally and Eat Pray Garbage are going on to Dolly’s for gossip and to get their hair done.

Sally and Juliet argue and open the door to see the insanely talented Shirley MacLaine (playing Ouiser) storming up like Mrs Gulch (Wicked Witch in Wizard of Oz) with her dog.

Sally and Juliet bail out the back door as Ouiser hammers the door. Drum goes to answer it and Shirley is struggling with her dog going crazy.

Shirley yells at Drum for going pew pew and causing her poor dog stress and causing it to lose fur.

Drum doesn’t seem to give a shit because he’s a bit of a prick. Ouiser is right.

Ouiser follows after and tongue lashes drum for being a prick. She grabs his pew pew pellets into the pool and Shirley is amazing.

Drum, I should say, is desperate to get rid of the birds.

Why? Because Sally will be mad at him and He’ll Hath no fury like a Southern woman towards her husband who doesn’t do what she told him to do.

So Drum is in a bind. He still doesn’t care about the dog’s health (“Serve him on toast!”)

We find out that Ouiser and Drum have a lot of rivalries and property issues.

We cut to Dolly doing Olympia’s hair. They’re chatting about chocolate and sweets.

Seriously. These little scenes are amazing. Young me didn’t appreciate it, but god this is charming.

Barrel is doing Sally’s hair. Barrel is nervous about doing it since she just started and it’s her daughter’s wedding day.

Juliet is getting her hair done by Dolly now and we get gossip about Jackson. He’s a Louisiana lawyer and she wants to spend her life with him.

Sally is getting sad.

We also hear Juliet wants to stay as a nurse. Sally and Drum don’t want her to.

Now this isn’t some sexist thing. They worry about Juliet’s health.

We find out Olympia is ridiculously wealthy and her husband is gone. She recently lost him.

Again. The cast in this movie is ridiculously good.

Then they talk about Juliet’s shitty colors for the wedding. Ugh. Ugh. 80s and fashion/taste never talked.

Then more bickering between Sally and Juliet. Dolly keeps changing the subject to ease the tension. She’s the best.

We also find out the groom’s cake is shaped like an armadillo. Uh. Weird.

We get some gossip and chatting and Dolly is so charming.

We then hear that Juliet had told Jackson she wouldn’t marry him a few days before. They patched it up and holy hell that hair. Oof. That thing is basically a skyscraper!!!

We find out Dolly’s husband is lazy and lets Dolly make the money.

We get some chatting as Juliet has an incident. She starts to freak out and Olympia gets some juice and others candy.

Juliet starts to get angry and fight as Juliet’s diabetic attack continues.

It’s real sad, but the juice calms her.

We find out Juliet can’t have kids. Like. Damn.

This is why she almost didn’t marry Jackson. She was afraid he wouldn’t marry a woman who can’t have kids.

Jackson suggests they could just adopt. Man. Jackson is great.

And. Seriously. Such great acting in this scene.

Juliet is upset she messed up her hair, but Dolly says she’ll fix it as she hugs Juliet.

We cut back to Drum and his kids digging through the garage for fireworks and crossbows and holy crap.

They all work together to bring dyed eggs to Olympia’s car for the church Easter event.

At that moment Ouiser comes storming up to Sally.

Hahahaha. Shirley is legit. I love her acting.

Shirley (Ouiser) rants about Drum. Juliet tells her it’s to get rid of the birds for her wedding.

Man. The banter is great in this scene.

Ouiser then spots Barrel and immediately drills her for details about her life. I knew a woman like this.

Ouiser asks about Barrel’s husband. We find out Barrel’s husband and her are in a weird marriage limbo

See. Barrel just left and took everything. He’s in legal trouble and that their marriage might not be legal. Ouiser hammers men and Dolly and others listen in.

Juliet invites Barrel to the wedding to bring her into the Steel Magnolia Circle.

We cut to Drum and his sons. They have rigged he crossbow to shoot firecrackers. Yeah. Southerners know how to rig random shit if it involves explosions.

They launch it into the tree and it goes boom boom. The birds go fly fly. The dog goes crazy and Ouiser slams the trunk closed and crushes all the Easter eggs. Hahahaha.

The dog goes to run to bite Drum. Sally yells for the dog to stop while Ouiser screams “Kill! Bite him in the balls!!”

I would hang out with her daily just to watch her hammer people.

We cut to the wedding and it’s just as boring as every wedding. Oh, my god, the bridesmaids’ dresses are hideous abominations.

Juliet gets her dad, who is half-deaf from the explosions and they walk down the ai…god those colors are hideous. Just. What was wrong with us in the 80s????!!!!

Ahhh. My eyes. We see the bridesmaids up close and it’s like pepto bismol was vomited everywhere.

We cut to the reception and they’re dancing. We get little moments between the groom and Sally. Drum and his daughter, Juliet.

Sally warns Jackson about having kids.

We cut to Barrel being flirted with by Sammy. He’s that nerdy dude in Peggy Sue Got Married and the slimy guy in The Mummy.

We got inside where some woman drunkly telling Juliet that her (Juliet) husband had a huge dick before the drunkard he dragged away. Oh my.

This wedding is like The Godfather, but with more pink and Dolly.

Dolly asks Sally to tell her gossip about her work with work at a mental health facility.

Oxygen and lungs.

We cut to that hideous armadillo cake where Ouiser is giving out slices of its ass to Drum.

Drum says “I love a good piece of ass.”

We then see Dolly and Olympia talking smack about some lady.

Haha. Ouiser then just hammers people. I love Ouiser.

A bunch of white people dance and it’s as lame as you think.

I can tell you as a white dude. I don’t dance. Unless I’m totally wasted.

We cut to Sally and Juliet having a moment about Juliet leaving to go live with Jackson. I’m not crying. You’re crying!!!

We then see what the brothers and others did to the groom’s car.

There’s a tradition (at least in the South) where you basically add inappropriate things to the car in soap and …uhh. Other things. Ya know. Make it a driving hazard.

Juliet and Jackson leave in a vehicle not capable of driving far due to all the shit blocking out the windows.

Everyone starts to leave.

We cut to Sammy about to leave when he goes to flirt with Barrel.

Barrel says she needs to break in her new shoes. Uh. Not by walking ten miles ya…. Oh. Are you creeped out by Sammy??

We cut to Ouiser asking Olympia to walk her home because she can’t stand going into her empty house by herself.

Like. This is a sweet moment. They argue back and forth, but there is friendship there.

We cut to Christmas. Uh. It was Easter, so that a long time.

We see some woman win some beauty pageant and some creepy orange guy hitting on his own daughter in the background.

We cut to Dolly working a booth at the Christmas Faire.

Juliet comes up we …Oh my god that food looks good.

We get some updates. Mostly that Dolly’s husband is lazy and her son has a taste in women Dolly doesn’t like.

Also. Barrel has come out of her shell and went crazy for a while. Now she’s gone prudish. What a whirlwind year. Lots of banging.

Barrel also loses a contact in the dirt. Uh. Even if you found it, toss it. Ugh. Dirt and Faire trash in your contact. Might as well shove your eye into the garbage can if you want that experience.

Then we find out Olympia is now a radio station owner and announcer. I would listen to Olympia gossip.

Dolly goes back to her lazy ass husband. Dude. Your wife is Dolly. Show some joy!!!!

She brought back fried chicken and wine and her husband has no interest. What the fuckkk.

Dude. Wtf!

We then cut into the local sports team locker room.

Inside Olympia and her cohost are chatting as Ouiser sits in back eyeing every loose dick in the room hahahahahahahahshas

This movie is awesome.

Olympia looks around, too. Hahahahah Ouiser uses her makeup mirror to watch the dong behind her.

Ouiser yells at Olympia for asking dumb interview questions. Ouiser is the best!

We cut to Sally and Juliet chatting at home.

We find out that Juliet is pregnant. Which makes Sally happy and sad. Juliet is high risk. Like. This has got to be hell for Sally.

I’m still not crying!!

Juliet is annoyed that her mother isn’t excited about it. I mean it’s a potential death sentence. I’d be upset, too.

Juliet asks Sally to help her plan the nursery, etc.

See. The doctors have warned Juliet could die from this.

Juliet wants a child. See. They won’t let her adopt because of her medical issues and I’m still not crying god dammit!!!

Continuing to show the Oscars are useless.

Sally is pisssseeeddd at Jackson. Juliet calls her out because Sally can’t dictate what she does anymore.

Sally and Juliet fight a bit and you can see the pain in both their eyes and my eyes don’t have a single tear because I can’t…

I’m cool. I’m cool.

Juliet sees it as creating something wonderful and special and Sally leaves upset.

We see Sammy and Barrel adding decorations on the salon I think. It’s hard to tell because that house is a god damn eyesore.

It makes the Griswalds seem tame

Ouiser comes storming over for a pedicure.

Juliet mentions some guy named Owen that Ouiser knows.

Gossip and chatting.

Julie is trying to be a matchmaker me thinks.

We find out they used to date, but she ended it and then Ouiser married two men she hated and three “ungrateful children.”

“The only reason people are nice to me is because I have more money than god.”

How did Shirley not win an Oscar???

We get a Christmas party with lots of chatting and gossip.

Oh. Juliet brings Owen over to Ouiser.

That dude played the old man in Mr Destiny I believe.

Ouiser is annoyed Juliet tried to do that. Sally says she does a lot of things she can’t believe.

Sally is upset and Ouiser can tell.

We then cut to Drum happily announcing Juliet’s pregnancy.

Everyone comes up to Sally all excited.

Ouiser is smart enough to realize it could go sideways. Everyone (including Ouiser) say it’ll be fine.

Like. This band of women are down right the kind of group anyone would be happy to be a part of.

Oh my god their son is adorable!!!!

It’s July 4th and their son is one year old.

Sally and Juliet go to Dolly’s and Sally has to change the kid there.

We get more gossip and stories.

Hahah. Oh my. Olympia’s nephew tells his parents he has a brain tumor and about to die. He then says. “Only kidding. I’m just gay.”

Hahahah. That nephew. Ohhh the gossip they then go on about with others in the town.

This kind of gossip is how I remember being around the women in my family back in the 80s. Hell. I still hear all the gossip from my mom from back home.

Juliet cries when she gets her new haircut. Uh. It’s. Oof. Go back to the 80s hair.

This movie is a lot of gossip and talking and stories and banter.

It is a delightful surprise so far. Just incredible acting and dialogue.

And we get to hear late 80s Southern women discussing things like the gay nephew and it’s not homophobic really. Like it’s accepting for then.

Ouiser comes in dressed like a gardener.

Ouiser is happy for Ouiser and even gives out tomatoes.

Hahahahahahahahahhaahahahah

“I try not to eat healthy food if I can possibly help it. The sooner my body gives out the better I’ll be.”

Ouiser is just the best. Patron Saint of Gen Z and Millennials.

We then find out that Juliet is having medical issues. She’s on dialysis because the baby obliterated her body.

She needs a kidney transplant. Oof. This movie.

They discuss kidney waiting lists, dialysis, etc.

We find out Sally is going to give Juliet one of her kidneys and screw your I never cry!!

We cut to Ouiser and Olympia in the grocery store with a contrite Ouiser. She realized that line I posted above was insensitive and Olympia tells her she’s not a bad person.

We find out they’re shopping yo feed Drum and the family since Sally and Juliet are going to be in the hospital.

See. This is the kind of kindness that I wish was more common in the South these days. Its absence is noticeable these days.

We then cut to Barrel and Sammy. Barrel had go full born again and she’s insufffffferrrrrrabbbbbblllleeeeeee

Dolly talks to her husband about the transplant and he’s a glib prick about it.

We cut to Juliet and Sally and family playing cards and making jokes about the surgery. Drum gets mad about it.

We cut to Barrel being annoying and late. Dolly calms her down and drives Her to her church.

My guess is Barrel goes to a snakehandler place or something.

We get all the girls chatting and gossiping in church as they talk the surgery and Ouiser getting some of that Owen D.

Hahahahahahaahahahahahahhs. I love Ouiser.

“Ouiser never did a religious thing in her life.”

“That is not true. When I was in school and bunch of my friends and I would dress as buns and go bar hopping.”

Hahahahaha

Nuns*

We cut to the hospital as Jackson paces about waiting to hear the news. Drum is freaking, too.

Ouiser and the others are there as well.

Man. I wish I had friends like this.

We cut to a surgeon coming out to tell them it was a success.

It’s now Halloween season. Barrel enters the salon to a surprise wedding shower.

Lots of presents opening and some saucy presents. It includes lingerie from an anonymous source, but Olympia knows it was Ouiser. Hahaha. I love Ouiser.

Juliet isn’t there because she’s working as a nurse.

It’s actually Halloween.

Juliet seems in pain as she leaves work.

We see Dolly getting some booze or something for her husband. He’s working on an oil rig and Dolly wants to use his equipment when he gets home.

Olympia tries to get Ouiser to go with her on a trip.

Olympia decides to bring art and culture to her little town.

“I am pleasant. Dammit. I just saw Drum at the Piggly Wiggly and I smiled at that son of a bitch!”

We cut to Juliet with her son. He’s dressed as a clown. Juliet lifts him up and collapses. She th…

Okay I’m not going to cry. I’m not!!

Jackson comes home to his son crying. Juliet is dead and. …

I…I…

Okay. She’s not dead yet, but soon. She’s hooked into machines as they try to save her. She’s in a coma and I’m not crying!!

Sally does some physical therapy and talking to her and I just can’t.

Sally is trying to get her out of the coma and How the FUCK did these people@not win every Oscar???

I…I’m just gonna skip some of this. Sally is killing it.

Jackson signs some document and can we just talk about the fact that poor kid has to grow up knowing he inadvertently killed his mother??

The document was to take her off the ventilator and I just can’t…

Sally holds hemzmdmdnddnnd

Why do people like movies like this?!!!

It’s just sad as hell.

We see Sally go pick up Jackson Jr and holy rjjdndndndndnfnfjfjdnsjdj

I’m just going to be curled into a ball crying.

We cut to Dolly’s husband willing to come to the funeral and I am regretting watching this movie.

Great movie, but god is this sad. I think Covid and other things make this movie hit hard.

We cut to the funeral and it’s sad as hell. Everyone is crying. I’m not. Obviously.

We see Sally staying back and the girls all@go over to comfort her.

Sally tries to act tough as they try to console her.

Barrel won’t shut up about god. Fuck off, Barrel.

And we get more sad talk about Sally missing her and wanting her back even to argue and that poor kid. He killed his mom and has to grow up without her and holy shit that’s sad.

The older I get, the more this stuff gets to me. Being focu…anyway.

Sally has a breakdown. She’s angry and rightly so.

How did she not win an Oscar for this!!!!?

“I want to hit something hard.”

*Olympia drags Ouiser to Sally*

“Here. Hit her!!”

Hahahaha.

They laugh as Ouiser storms off.

Olympia finds Ouiser sulking and goes to comfort her friend.

Like this is an endearing scene. It shows their relationship and vulnerability.

If you can have a friend like this at the tail end of your life, consider yourself blessed.

We cut to Sally and Dolly watching Jackson Jr. Sally regrets showing so much anger.

We see Olympia and Ouiser walk up as friends.

Like. This is legit great. Sad as fuck, but great.

Jackson Jr is ridiculously cute.

Ouiser even shows a tender gesture towards Drum.

We watch Sally push Jr on the swing.

Barrel is knocked up and wants to name her kid after Juliet.

We cut to an Easter Egg hunt. Kids scrambling for eggs as Junior finds some. It’s legit sweet.

Sammy is dressed as the Easter Bunny. Oh. Uh. Is it going to transition to Critters?

We then see that Dolly’s husband has finally gotten off his ass and opened a new store for Dolly.

We see Junior being told a story about his mother by Olympia and I am not crying so screw you all.

We see Ouiser and Owen together and we see Ouiser back to hammering Drum.

Olympia is telling Junior a story about the “evil witch Ouiser.”

Then he goes to play. Ouiser goes up to talk to her and says her name. Junior slaps her and runs away crying hahaha.

Sally picks up Junior and Barrel, who is 9 months pregnant and shaped like a barrel, goes into labor.

They all work together to get her into a vehicle to take her to the hospital and drive away. They have to find her husband. Sammy, dressed as a bunny, gets a ride from Dolly’s son on his motorcycle.

They drive off to continue the circle of life.

So that was Steel Magnolias. It has some of the most talented actors of the 20th century and is a fantastic and insanely sad movie.

Just be warned that it somehow blows dust into your eyes while squeezing cut onions into them, too.

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