Thread by @Soundsaboutrig4

Not a lot of people know this, but @Soundsaboutleft was a tough NY cop who went to LA to follow after this wife and when he was at a ...

THIS IS DIE HARD'S PLOT. YA GET IT???

I'm reviewing die hard.

And I don't care if it's a Christmas movie or not. It's an awesome 80s action film.

It stars Bruce Willis as John Shirley McClane, the late, great Alan Rickman as Hands Across America Gruber, Reginald Vel Johnson as Urkel's neighbor, and other people.

(So due to a delivery being scheduled between now and whenever the fuck it comes, there's gonna be a large gap at some point while I put all that crap away...deal with it.)

So the thing that separates Left and McClane is Left's feet are covered in a layer of silver due to a bad smelting accident when he interned for Johnny Tremain.

So his feet were never messed up when he rescued the guy who had the *taps nose and snorts*

Right off the bat we get to see some sweet plane action.

An annoying passenger asks Willis if he likes flying with that smug look of "I'm not afraid of flying because I'm high off my dick."

Then Willis goes "I ain't afraid of no ghost" and then the passenger tells him to curl his toes in carpet because...sure..overshare like a weirdo.

John gets up and the passenger sees he's packing heat.

Willis says he's a cop and he grabs a big bear for his kid or his wife....no su

OH THERE'S A LUGGAGE CAROUSEL. BETTER DO INTENSE MUSIC!!

We cut to some old dude in a suit.

He was the bad guy in Cage. A Reb Brown/Lou Ferrigno.

Hell yeah!

Oh, this is Mr. Takagi...the big cheese of the big building.

He gives the workers their bonus of a rousing speech.

We cut to Willis' wife being harassed by Donald Trump Jr.

He's a total piece of shit...and so is the character in the movie!!

Holly (Willis' wife) tells a pregnant lady to go drink...no...seriously.

Holly calls home and her kids are...IS THERE A BABY SITTER THERE OR DID SHE LEAVE HER ..

oh...good. There is an adult there.

The daughter asks if she'll see her dad. Oof...that kid is gonna need therapy.

Holly talks to her kids nanny and she tells her to make up the spare bedroom.

So...I guess she's the nanny/cook/maid/everything.

Willis gets his luggage and...checks out some young woman's ass.

Then he talks shit about California because he's from New York and people from New York can't shut the fuck up about New York and how much better it is.

Willis then sees there's a limo waiting for him. A Scottish sock is there to pick him up.

No...wait. The driver's name is just Argyle because why not.

We find out that Argyle has never driven before and Willis has never driven in a limo.

Willis gets in the front seat because the stuff animal wanted the back for blow and bear bitches.

We get exposition when the driver bugs Willis about his personal life.

See. Willis' wife left him 6 months ago to move to California for a job.

Willis is resentful because this is the 80s and men then had serious issues with women doing their own thing.

I mean Willis tries to pretend that it was about his career, but he could be a cop in LA. I mean beating the shit out of people guarantees him a job.

Then we get some sweet ass tunes.

Argyle takes Willis to his wife's job at the Tacohomie Building.

Argyle says that he'll stick around. If Willis does well with his wife, he can just leave. Otherwise he'll pick him up.

Either way tip him well...which he should since Willis spent 3 hours talking about NY pizza

Willis goes inside the Nakatomi building and has to talk to the security guy and USE TECHNOLOGY!!

OH, NO. COMPUTERS!!! HOW DO COMPUTERS WORK??? I JUST KNOW HOW TO PEW PEW THINGS!!!!

He's told where to go...not like "go fuck yourself." Just where he can find the party.

Willis goes to the elevator and tells a random guy "Hey...did you know NY has great pizza???? Not like here in California where your pizza sucks. Also, Chicago pizza...more like shitago pizza...right. Now, I was born in New York on Dec..."

Willis walks out into the building and is immediately offered booze. He takes it and there's a full Xmas party going.

He looks down on it because it's not in New York and new York Xmas parties are better...like their pizza.

Willis gets drunk kissed by some dude and says "California."

As if that means anything. Most people don't go up to random strangers and kiss them on the cheek. That's not a California thing.

Willis meets Takagi and we find out he sent the limo and is fairly chill with Willis.

Then he shows him around...oh...and he gives us exposition about Holly and the fact the building is still under construction.

Takagi takes him into Holly's office and Don Jr is snorting blow.

He pretends like he didn't do lines to fill the hole inside that the lack of his father's love created inside him.

Don Jr coke chats as Holly walks in.

She's like "John."

And

*burps*

hugs and awkwardness.

Don Jr tells Holly to show Willis the watch they gave her. A Rolex. NYT and Washington Post both write a hit piece about how Holly doesn't care about America because she has a Rolex.

We see the most sinister thing ever...A MOVING TRUCK!

We then listen to Holly explaining about how Don Jr has issues because he's broken inside.

Willis thinks Jr is going to try to rail Holly.

We also find out that one of Willis' old cop buddies lives out in Pomona, but Holly offers to let him come stay with them...so he can see his kids..

HIS KIDS HE HASN'T SEEN IN SIX FUCKING MONTHS!!

He's kinda a shit dad.

Holly says she misses him.

Willis then gets pissed that she uses her maiden name.

Willis rants and screams about how her job ruined their marriage and FUCK THIS GUY because she doesn't have to obey your bullshit.

Like...I love this movie and all, but McClane is a total dick to his wife and ignores his kids.

I get we see him show his regret and this is a very 80s male ego thing, but god damn.

We see the moving truck go inside the parking garage.

Security watches the cameras as a fast car pulls up.

Some dudes walk into the building.

Two dudes walk in talking about basketball and they just go up and pew pew the security guy and this computer dude does computer clicky click to let the other bad guys in and bypass security

This is the Gruber Gang. They go around and gank all the security people.

We get some sweet montage stuff with the invasion of Nabisco Tower.

Alan Rickman is soooo bad ass in this. I love him in it. Just perfect.

The Gruber Gang has full control over the building except for one thing...JOHN "TERRIBLE HUSBAND AND DAD" MCCLANE IS THERE!

Lots of people doing important looking things in various parts to show THEY'RE IN CONTROL!

They also cut off the phone lines...remember when we had landlines?

We see McClane taking his shoes off and flexing his toes in the carpet that definitely has coke and piss in it.

He then looks at his wallet and we see his regret.

That regret won't help when your daughter thinks you abandoned her.

Willis calls Argyle to go "Hey. All is cool."

Argyle is in the back of the limo macking on the stuffed animal.

The Gruber gang are speaking a foreign language...maybe Esperanto.

We're not sure what they say, but we do see a guy use a buzzsaw to go through all the phone lines.

This cuts off the call to Argyle.

The party is CRASHED by the Gruber Gang.

There's pew pews and screaming.

Willis grabs his gun and leaves the canol...errr..shoes.

Willis looks out and is like "THEY'RE FUCKED...I'M STAYING IN HERE!"

I agree with him.

The Gruber Gang goes around and grabs...people fucking in their offices.

Can we just talk about how that's an awful idea. Greg has to work at that desk on monday and doesn't need your swamp ass stank on it.

Just...don't.

Willis fucks off so he can not get got in the first part of the movie.

Also, he doesn't have a ho ho ho machine gun yet.

The people speaking Esperanto go around looking for people.

Willis runs upstairs without shoes like he's Tom Sawyer.

He sees that there's a ton of these people.

Don Jr tries to tell everyone that it'll be fine.

"My dad loves me...I swear!!!"

Willis does cool moves around a floor that is under construction. He tries the phone, but it's dead.

He goes "think" and then sees some hot lady and starts to jerk off.

He needs this to help calm him.

Rickman then calms everyone with his awesome voice, mannerisms, etc.

Like...he's the perfect villain.

All bow before him (and Gary Oldman).

Gruber tells the people at the party "You should have skipped the Xmas party. Like Greg is at home with his family. He's fine. All he has to deal with is blood stains and ass stank on his desk come monday."

Gruber then calls out for Takagi. "TAKKKKKAAAAAGGGGGIIIIIIIII COMMEEEEE OUTTTTT TO PLLAAAAYYYYY!!!"

We find out Gruber knows everything.

He walks around trying to suss out who Takagi is. He knows Don Jr isn't him because Don Jr is a loser...and is only there because his grandfather/daddy.

Gruber introduces himself to Takagi "It's nice to meet you...now SHOW ME THE MOOONNNEEEYYY!"

We see Willis scouting around the building.

Back to Takagi and Rickman is humming Ode to Joy.

He then calls out Takagi's clothes AND GOD DO I LOVE RICKMAN.

The man was the best.

Rickman starts to talk about Alexander the Great "When Alexander saw the breadth of his domain he wept for there was no world's to take a shit on. Like...the guy was a bit of a piece of shit. He burned down Susa for fuck's sake."

We get business talky talk and...it's time to talk about how there was a massive fear of the Japanese in 80s/early 90s America about them taking over everything.

Kinda like the Chinese now.

Man. Racism is fun.

Gruber then tells Takagi to put his password in "We want your grubhub account. I want to order some food."

Actually, they want the bear bonds...bearer bonds? Barrier bonds?

Oh, sorry. They have Barry Bonds.

Takagi is confused. He thought they were terrorists. This was back before every one of them in a movie was from the middle east because writers are all unoriginal.

Willis starts to army man around on the ground as Gruber tells Takagi to tell him the code.

Rickman uses his second amendment right to get the code from Takagi.

Takagi keeps going "Look, I'll star

HOLY SHIT HE JUST SHOT TAKAGI IN THE FUCKING FACE!!!

That's when they hear Willis playing the harmonica and singing jazz.

It's the most awful part of this movie.

We then find out they have a hacky hack there to help since Takagi's password is now sprayed on the window.

Willis hopes Argyle heard what's going on. Argyle is too busy doing blow with the stuffed bear.

More Gruber Gang montage stuff of doing stuff with boom boom stuff.

We then get a timeline for how long it'll be to get to THE 7TH LOCK!!!!

Which...wasn't that a Swedish movie back in the 50s??

So the 7th lock is some kind of electronic seal.

We then see Willis asking why he didn't stop them...he does a gollum and talks to himself

"Why didn't you stop them, precious?"
"Because then we'd be dead, precious."
"Think, precious."
"Yes, precious."
"Pull the fire alarm, precious."
"Good idea, precious."

Gruber is too smart for this and has his men call the Never Forget number and tell them it's a false alarm.

Willis is watching the...fire department come in droves and he starts dancing.

Then they turn around because there's a new batch of whatever the stereotype for firemen when it comes to food that's like the equivalent of donuts for cops.

Gruber's men go into the room looking for who turned on the alarm.

The dude with an Esperanto accent walks around with a machine pew pew.

He villain dialogues about not hurting John and then he breaks his promise. What a dick.

I have to say taht some of Gruber's gang look realllllyyyy nerdy.

Like...most people would want to bully them.

Willis gets the drop on the gangmember.

He's like "You won't hurt me because there are rules for policemen like not hurting white men with guns."

Willis, though, is colorblind and beats all people equally.

They struggle and the nerd gets his neck broken by a stumble down the stairs.

Definitely the weak link in the Gruber Gang. Just saying.

We get some Gruber Gang Vault Passkey action.

Then cut to Willis robbing the nerd of everything, including his lighter.

TAKE HIS SHOES!

Or wrap a sweater around your feet or something.

Okay...turns out the guy has tiny shoes because he's a total beta.

Willis makes fun of him and kicks off the s...YOU COULD CUT THE FRONT OF THE SHOES OFF AND THAT'D BE BETTER FOR YOUR FEET THERE IS BROKEN GLASS, JOHN!

Willis put the nerd in the elevator on a chair and keeps going "HO HO HO. I'VE GOT A CHAIR NOW!"

John then uses an inanimate rod to open an elevator halfway up a level and that is one of my nightmares.

He sends the elevator down with the nerd going "HO HO HO I'VE GOT A BURRITO NOW."

We cut back to Rickman going "I ganked Takagi. You can either listen and do what we say or get got harddd."

The elevator opens up and there's the nerd with a message on his shirt "NOW I HAVE A MACHINE PEW PEW SLAG SLAG SLAG."

Hahaha...because slag is brit slang for ho.

HAHAHAH I AM SOOO SMART AND FUNNY

Gruber is smart enough to realize there's an issue but not smart enough to just have his men assume willis is above them.

Willis is on top of the elevator and that's just more anxiety for me.

Willis then rides the elevator and almost gets crushed.

THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T GET ON TOP OF IT!

Willis goes into this one construction area and stares at this naked chick poster...of course he does.

We cut to Gruber trying to calm down the nerd's brother flipping his shit.

We cut to Don Jr trying to chat up Holly.

Holly goes "WIllis is doing his job."

Don Jr is like "Bullshit. FAKE NEWS. MY DAD LOVES ME!!!"

Willis goes on the roof and uses the walkie talkie he got from the nerd and...talks openly on it.

Gruber and gang hear it and, apparently, he's able to get ahold of the police????

The woman Karens the shit out of Willis when he's begging for help.

"SIR. THIS IS FOR EMERGENCIES ONLY LIKE THE FACT I WANT TO TALK TO YOUR MANAGER!!"

Willis talks mad shit and then gets shot at.

The Karen hears it and goes "Ugh...I want to talk to his manager. Send a cop over there to get him."

We cut to Carl Winslow before his move to Chicago.

He's grabbing every god damn snack in the store...way to be a stereotype.

Carl claims it's for his "wife" who is "pregnant."

The cashier is like me...not buying that bullshit.

Carl Winslow is told to go to the Nakayamomma Tower.

Hell. He's so close he can see it...74 cents for gas????

god damn

Willis is playing a game of "RUN MOTHER FUCKER" as the nerd's brother tries to be all smooth and creep up on him.

HE sucks shit at shooting like his brother sucked at not getting his neck broken.

Willis runs back inside and stares at an industrial fan.

Obviously he's not Sean Connery in the rock or he'd know how to get through it.

Definitely not Sean Connery in Highlander 2, though.

He got fucked.

https://twitter.com/Soundsaboutrig4/status/1419878044127268874

Willis then uses his pew pew to block the fan and get through as the Esperantos come in and shoot at the fan and lots of actionnnnnn!!!!

We go back to the room with the naked poster and Willis gropes it.

You're not making him look like a decent person, movie.

Like is he touching their tits for good luck???

That's...wow. The 80s, man.

Willis is desperately trying to get the fuck away.

Maybe you shouldn't have sent down a nerd with a message on him.

You could be jerking it to the naked poster you groped on at that moment if you hadn't dropped a dime on yourself.

We hear them speak Esperanto and no clu...oh...he's in the elevator.

Thank you for speaking English for the audience's sake.

I mean...it's not like Willis doesn't know Esperanto...hahaha..

Just kidding...movie stuff.

Willis then uses a pew pew strap to go like...3 feet down a vent shaft.

Gruber tells them to keep him locked in there, but nerd's brother wants revenge because he doesn't like money.

Okay...I guess Willis is going to use it to get across a ...and he fell.

Luckily he caught himself and now has no pew pew.

We then see some sweet vent crawling action AND HELLO ONE OF MY FEARS OF BEING TRAPPED IN A VENT AND DYING.

"Come out to the coast. We'll get together. We'll have a few laughs. You can complain about California and talk about how great NYC is."

More Gruber Gang trying to catch a character with plot armor.

The Gruber Gang shoots up the vents and somehow misses.

It's like that scene in Pulp fiction.

I like how the guy shoots walls randomly, but uses the top of his gun to test the vent and then leaves just before he gets to Willis because the script required them to be idiots.

We see Carl Winslow drive up.

He's like "I hope I don't move up to Chicago and have some nerd neighbor who steals my show from my wife and I."

Willis doesn't appreciate that Carl is oblivious and ...makes fun of a blind person.

He then heads into the building for a chat.

Carl goes in and says "Hey. Did you know it's a rare condition, this day and age, to read any good news on the newspaper page. Love and tradition of the grand design, some people say it's even harder to find."

The fake security guard tries to gaslight Winslow.

"Computers...computers are confusing. Aren't they? Also, I bet on sports games."

Willis then uses a chair to smash a window out of frustration that no one wants to listen to him sing.

Carl asks to look around. The security guard goes "Have at it, bruh."

Willis then somehow gets the drop on a gruber gangmember who...had the drop on him?

COME ON, SCRIPT. At least try!

Carl walks a bit...gets tired...and turns around.

Meanwhile, we continue to see that the Gruber Gang was not chosen for their talents at fighting.

Were they chosen because they were in some kind of boy band with Gruber????

Carl goes back to his car singing a Christmas song because THIS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE.

DID YOU KNOW DIE HARD IS THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIE. HERE'S THE 289359823598239 FUCKING POST ABOUT HOW IT'S A CHRISTMAS MOVIE BECAUSE EVERYONE IS GOD DAMN UNORIGINAL!!!

Willis pulls a Con Air and throws a Gruberite onto his car.

Carl freaks as the bad guys unload on him.

He screams "URKEL. GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE TO HELP ME WITH ONE OF YOUR GADGETS!!"

Meanwhile, Argyle is doggy-styling the stuffed animal.

We cut to Walter Peck hearing the police radio with Carl screaming into it...because it's on a delay??

We now see a bunch of police from the LAPD show up.

Don Jr is doing another boost and goes "I love the sound of sirens. Reminds me of my dad who totally loves me."

Gruber is like "It's fine they showed up. I wanted them to."

Willis then taunts Gruber. "Ha. I'm giving away the surprise of me to undermine your confidence. Good thing I have plot armor!!!"

We then find out that Willis' true calling is as a gameshow host...or to be a monkey in a wrench or a fly in the ointment are an ass pain.

Willis and Gruber have some great scenes of taunting and trying to get information from each other and...honestly. This movie is so fucking good.

We cut to Walter Peck going "I have Chris Knight with a laser to film, but first...I have a cool thing going on at the Nagafen Tower."

Ha. Real Genius and Everquest reference.

I'm so cool.

Walter Peck is allowed to go film it.

We find out that the person with the detonator went after Willis because plot.

We then have Carl using his mic going "Whoever called us acknowledge me on this transmission. You're a total dick for getting me into this. I was gonna go home and eat twinkies and then bang my wife."

Willis tells them what's going on inside the building.

Including the fact they're European

*dramatic music*

There are so many references telling people to smoke in this movie that the tobacco industry either funded it or was reallllyyy fucking happy about it.

Carl is talking to Willis and then some dude comes in demanding to be in charge of everything.

He goes "Don't mess with the bull, Winslow...or you'll get the horns."

Breakfast Club doesn't believe any of this shit. He thinks Willis is part of this.

Winslow knows he's a cop.

"I know he's a cop. Things he said. Like his love of donuts and beating POC."

We then see the cops bringing a portable tv to gruber.

hahaha...god damn tech back then sucked shit.

Holly walks up and goes "Gruber. What the fuck is going on, dick. I'm in charge now...so I want to tell you that this pregnant woman out there is drunk. I want to put her into the office with a sofa so she can get sober on it."

THen she goes "Unless you want us to shit and piss everywhere, we need to go to the bathroom. Don Jr is already screaming about his dad...can we get him some more blow?"

We then get a tense moment where it's lucky Holly changed her last name else her last name might later give her away that she's Willis' wife.

We then see Walter Peck going "The Ghostbusters have taken over the Nachocheese Tower."

Argyle FINALLY realizes something is wrong after he money shots on the stuffed animal and he can think clearly.

Meanwhile, Breakfast Club is going to send his men in blindly like he's a WW1 general.

Ah, shit. Some asshole just dropped off some stuff and yelled "NOW I HAVE DROPPED OFF YOUR GROCERIES. HO HO HO HO. BUY MY JAZZ ALBUM!"

Oh, man. Either I was in a life-or-death cat-and-mouse situation just now or I just had a ton of packages of just bullshit I ran out of to put away on top of groceries and other nonsense and it took forever.

One or the other.

Back either way.

Where the fuck was I?

Right, Breakfast Club has them turn on 3 bat signals.

This confuses Willis "Dude...where's the manbat?"

Willis calls Carl and asks "WTF, dude?"

Winslow tells them "Urkel is going to barge in..."

The po po...is that it? I'm so uncool.

5-0 is going to make their assault when they get got hardddd.

After it goes sideways, we hear Carl go "DID I DOOOOO THATTTT???"

Meanwhile, Argyle is doing his driving test again.

We then see Al Leong (from Lethal Weapon, Big Trouble in Little China, Cage, etc. etc. etc. etc.) steal a candy bar.

Seriously, 2 diff. people from Cage are in this...awesome.

Where the fuck is Reb Brown??

Seriously, though, it's hilarious Al Leong steals a candy bar or whatever.

It's these details that make me love this movie.

We see Argyle staring back at the bear he fucked and he says "Shut up."

We then see the frontal assault that was based the Battle of the Somme.

An absolute shitshow that immediately fails because they think these guys are bustas instead of the Gruber Gang.

Seriously, though, Breakfast Club seems so confused that they're competent.

"We're used to beating innocent people. It's unfair they're fighting back!!! I'm going to tell our union about this!!"

This scene was totally ripped off from Airheads.

I can't believe they used their ability to see the future to steal from movies...so shameful.

We see lots of carts being pushed with pew pews and boom booms on them while they yell Esperanto.

Holy crap...they ripped off Terminator 2 by, again, using their future seeing powers.

HOW DARE YOU!!

The cops get got by a big boom boom.

Willis is mad that Gruber wants his men to destroy the vehicle.

"Do you know how many protestors we can run over with that vehicle? Do you want people to have equal rights????!!!" Willis yells at Gruber.

Willis uses his plastic boom boom that rhymes with Bee Whore.

He uses another chair to drop it on them.

Like...this dude HATEEESS OFFICE CHAIRS.

He drops it down the shaft and it booms the shit out of everything.

Everyone, including his wife, are dead.

Wait...plot armor.

Like, seriously, he just destroyed the structural integrity of that building and definitely obliterated everyone with that.

We see a news report that calls out Gruber.

Apparently Gruber is pissed he was kicked out of his extremist group.

He's like a Trumper calling Republicans RINOs.

Willis calls Carl and then Breakfast Club yells at him.

"You're off the force, Willis! I want your badge and gun!!"

"Uh, I don't work for you, asshole."

"YOU'RE OFF THE CASE, WILLIS!!!"

HAHAHA...i love that everyone gets to hear Willis just shit all over Breakfast Club.

Even Gruber is probably chuckling.

Oh...man...Carl just tells Willis he loves him.

Now this is the buddy cop relationship I want.

We then see Don Jr doing another line of "daddy doesn't love me" medicine.

He's tired of being cooped up...couped? Yeah...he tried to coup...I mean he's cooped up in there.

Don Jr goes to "negotiate" with terrorists...hasn't he seen ANY MOVIE?

Don Jr comes in to chat with Rickman.

Don Jr can give him what he wants.

"My dad, who loves me, has connections in several other countries who own him who can help you out. You just have to betray your country when they tell you to!!!"

Don Jr rambles Wall Street bullshit and Rickman doesn't give a fuckkkk about what he's saying.

That is until he finds out that he knows Willis.

We then hear Willis go "Oh, god. I just ate Taco Bell and I gotta shit. The next boom you see blasting out windows is my asshole blasting this out."

We then get a touching moment b/w Willis and Carl chatting about family and love and regret and...like this is a legit good moment of character growth.

Gruber interrupts their love fest. "Mr Willis. I know who you are. I've heard your shitty jazz music."

Rickman hands Don Jr the walkie and Don Jr is like "My dad loves me."

Willis is like "WTF, dbag?"

Don Jr does more lines and goes "Give yourself up. Like...give up like my dad does all the time. Just declare bankruptcy and lie that you're rich."

Willis asks what he's told him.

Don Jr says "I told them we're friends. Th..

HAHAHAHAH THEY BRING HIM A COCA COLA. THE GUY WHO DOES COKE IS BROUGHT A COKE HAHAHA

I fucking loveeeee this movie!!!

Don Jr then says "They want the boom boom go device or they'll gank me."

Willis goes "Uh. You know I know you want to fuck my wife. Also...you suck shit. I'm going to let you get got."

Gruber then blows Don Jr's mind with the fact "Your dad never loved you and never will."

Oh...and he put a hole in his forehead the size of Trump's ego.

Gruber then goes to let Willis hear the people down there screaming.

It's like that scene with Chuck Berry in Back to the Future.

Breakfast Club then is pissed "He let Don Jr die. Do you know how that's gonna affect TFG? NOT AT ALL! Now have him hand in his badge!!"

Carl just shits all over Breakfast Club.

It's great.

Gruber then goes "Attention 5-0. Did you know 911 is a joke in your town?"

Then he's like "I'm willing to negotiate. If you let some of my friends go...I'll leave. The list is Sally McBigDick in Canada's BigDickPrison"

Andnadlfajsdfklj

HAHAHAHA. Gruber is giving bullshit names he knows they won't get to delay them.

God I love this fucking movie.

Gruber is like "It's Christmas. This is a Christmas movie. I hope lazy writers on the internet in the future will write about how this is the best christmas movie because THEY'RE LAZY AND REFUSE TO PUT IN ACTUAL EFFORT INTO WRITING LIKE A CERTAIN LIVE REVIEWER ON TWITTER!!!!"

Willis knows Rickman is full of shit.

"Those names are bullshit. Canada doesn't imprison people just because they have big dicks...I know because my buddy @Soundsaboutrig4 has been there and they didn't arrest him...and he has a HUGE DICK!"

We then get a great scene of some dbag on the news talking about the psychology of Stockholm syndrome because he wants to push his book.

Agent Johnson & Johnson appear on the scene to take over from Breakfast Club.

They're like "We have the vaccine for this Gruber asshole."

Gruber then starts to do a tour of the Nyancat Tower. He leaves his gun behind because he was confused by the safety dance lyrics.

Also, he realizes Willis has cut all the boom

HOLY SHIT WILLIS GOT THE DROP ON HIM AFTER HE DROPPED DOWN.

I LOVEEEE this movie.

Gruber falls on the ground and starts to cry "You're one of them. You speak Esperanto!!"

This fake out is perfect.

Bravo on this scene. Just...bravo!!

We have the hero talking to the villain with dramatic irony and...man...

This movie is the best 80s action film as far as I'm concerned.

We see J&J trying to push their bullshit ideas.

I know it's bullshit because ONE OF THOSE AGENTS TRIED TO KILL JAMES BOND!

Winslow tries to get them to understand Willis is owning the dick out of the bad guys.

"He's poop in several mouths...I mean...uhh...he threw them down a mineshaft without fulfilling his kink. I swear."

We then cut to Willis offering Gruber a cigarette.

He still doesn't know who he is.

Gruber chats casually and tries to learn about Willis.

God...this movie is freaking amazing.

I can not stress this enough. Rickman and Willis kill it.

Willis asks who Gruber is. He's checking if he's legit against a large billboard of names of people in the building.

Gruber uses one of the legit names.

Willis gives him a gun.

I...THIS MOVIE IS JUST FREAKING AMAZING.

Like I can't think of another movie that does this dramatic irony better than this.

Gruber then gives himself away by speaking esperanto into the radio and holds a gun on Willis.

"Put down the pew pew and give me my boom boom starter. Also...stop shitting in my men's mouths."

Willis is impressed by Gruber's acting. "You're legit one of the best actors to ever live. It's sad you died. Like...legitimately sad."

Gruber pulls the trigger...it's empty.

Willis gave him an empty gun.

Gruber's Gang shows up and anarchy ensues.

Lots of pew pews...lots of Willis shitting in dead people's mouths.

Willis realizes he's in a tight spot.

Willis is like "Holy shit this is too much...I gotta fuck off, but there's broken glass and I got no shoes for my tootsie wootsies "

They throw a flash bang and Willis has pissed off.

Turns out they have the boom boom go button now.

We cut to the guy pushing his bullshit book and then Walter Peck has all the details of Willis from his cronies.

Gruber comes back frazzled and it's obvious things aren't going great.

Holly is happy "My husband has shat in all their mouths."

We cut to Willis and his feet are FUCKKKKKEEEDDD.

He's dragging himself along the ground with blood pouring out of them.

Like...that has to be brutal.

Willis is int he bathroom trying to clea...okay you're in a bathroom with cut up feet.

You definitely have an STD.

Willis is removing glass from his feet and no no no no ewwww.

Carl also tells Willis "We're gambling on if you're dying or not. I bet you'll die...so don't let me down. See...we have a pool on you...a Deadpool. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

Then Willis asks if Carl could have gotten out of Vietnam "Do you have flatfeet?"

We get another bonding moment b/w Willis and Carl. Turns out Carl had shot a kid.

"He was 13 and had a fake gun. It was...it was so hard sprinkling the PCP on him and replacing the fake one with a real one. I mean...we're never held responsible for our actions."

Winslow informs Willis that J&J has taken over. "They're ready to sell you Tylenol and band aids."

Gruber is happy the J&J are gonna cut the power...which is their typical action if something like a T&A happens.

Which will stop the electromagnetic lock.

The guy from The Burbs is trying to tell them how to do it...

He calls in and tells them "Turn off this grid on Xmas...J&J told me to!!!!"

Willis finds out from Winslow that the power is off

AND THE VAULT IS OPEN AND ODE TO JOY PLAYS!!

They go in to get all the Barry Bond Rookie cards.

J&J are like "We're going ot let them get all happy...then shove it up their ass...and not in a sexual way. A lame way."

We cut back to the Gruber Gang celebrating all the Barry Bonds baseball cards they got.

J&J thinks they got them where they want them.

Gruber has this as part of his plan.

Willis and Carl chat a bit.

Willis is like "Tell my wife...she's a bitch and she should have NEVER COME OUT TO CALIFORNIA BECAUSE THEIR PIZZA SUCKS!!! NYC PIZZA IS BETTER!!"

No, seriously, they use this moment to have Willis show regret for not backing his wife's career choices, seeing his family, etc.

Like he's regretting his life and holy fuck is this a powerful moment.

Too bad the sequels SHIT ALL OVER THIS!

Willis is showing fear and regret and so few action films actually do this kind of character development.

John McClane is one of the best developed characters in 80s action and I can't stress enough how good it is.

We see Walter Peck going to Holly's house and being a TOTAL PIECE OF SHIT.

Wait? A news journalist who uses intimidation, lies, and manipulation to use the sorrow and pain of others for ratings?

WHAAAAATTTT????????????

THE FUCK YOU SAY!!!

William Atherton is legit one of the best "prick" character actors in movie history.

We then see Willis figure out that the roof is rigged to go boom.

He starts to tell it when the nerd's brother puts a pew pew against him.

Willis and the nerd's brother get into an all out "beat the fuck out of each other" fight.

It's baller.

Meawhile some heliocentric...errr...wait....helicopters are coming.

Before they get there we see Walter Peck interviewing Willis and Holly's kids.

WHAT THE BIGGEST PIECE OF SHIT EVER.

Like Holly and Willis should sue the dick out of Walter Peck after this.

This gives Gruber the truth that Holly is Willis' wife and that's no goo'

Gruber goes "Holy shit...thanks CN....errr...Not CNN but the local news because this is before all these media companies all became some level of evil for ratings...for giving me this information."

Willis starts beating the nerd's brother to death while talking shit about his brother HAHAHAHAHAHA

We then hear J&J in the helicopter ready to lose a lot of people in the assault.

They're going to land the helicopters.

While they get the Barry Bonds ready, Rickman brings in Holly.

He calls Willis on the walkie and goes "Now I have your wife. Ho Ho Ho. See how that shit hurts, dick?"

But Willis is too busy fighting nerd boy's brother.

Gruber and gang finish up the barry bonds.

Holly calls him a "common thief."

Gruber is like "Uhhh...I just got over half a billion dollars in the 80s in Barry Bond Rookie Cards...I did this by manipulating everyone and everything. I'm more than that. I'm the Sheriff of Nottingham."

Willis finally tells the nerd's brother to "hang out"...or is it hung??

hang?

hung?

Either way him and his brother both got neck fucked by Willis.

We cut to J&J doing Apocalypse Now...hahaha. So fucking good.

We see all the people from the party being put on the roof.

Al goes to leave when willis GANKS HIS ASS.

Willis looks for Holly, but is told they took her to the vault on the 30th floor.

Willis screams "DO NOT GET TO THE CHOPPER. YOU GET THE FUCK OFF THE ROOF BECAUSE THEY'RE GONNA BOOM THIS ROOF."

Willis pew pews to scare the people. The people in the helicopter think he's a bad guy and pew pew at him.

Willis is getting the Vietnam treatment from J&J (friendly fire)

Willis pulls out a firehose because he's like "I'm soooo hot."

HAHAHA.

"John. What the fuck are you doing? How did you get into this shit?"

John is the most "realistic" action hero ever.

Willis uses the firehose to jump and he even says "Please don't let me die."

Like this character is believable.

Willis jumps just as the roof is boomed.

He's able to window wash a window with his bloody feet.

He uses his pew pew to open one and gets in right before the teether pulls him down.

He lands, gets dragged, cuts it off, and is safe.

Meanwhile Rickman is getting their Barry Bonds ready and the helicopter goes boom boom and knocks Willis down.

THIS IS SUCH A GOOD MOVIE.

Breakfast Club taunts "Guess we're gonna need some more J&J guys."

hahaha

The god damn elevator dings to open and fire and explosions exit it..

HAHAHAHA

I LOVEEEE THIS MOVIE!!

We see Gruber's gang take out an ambulance from the moving truck and Argyle is confused "Man...can't believe they have me stay in here for the script's sake."

We then see Willis freaking that he has 2 pew pew pelts and needs to save his wife.

We then hear Xmas music as he gets an idea...hahaha...so good.

HOLY SHIT.

So the hacker dude gets out of the ambulance and Argyle crushes his fucking legs!!

Then Willis comes to confront Gruber.

"HHHANNNNNSSSSSSSSSS!!!!! ACROSS AMERICA!!"

Willis limps in with his pew pew and talks mad shit "This was all about money? Why did you have to do this shit?"

"Uh...because that's half a billion dollars in rookie cards. We gotta pretend to go bye bye so they'll stop looking."

Willis dros his machine pew pew when Gruber threatens his wife.

Gruber talks mad shit about westerns and cowboys.

Willis starts to laugh as Xmas music plays and everyone laughs and we see Willis has a pew pew taped to his back with Wrapping tape.

Willis second amendments Gruber and the other guy. Gruber grabs onto Holly and starts to drag her out. Willis grabs her wrist.

Hans is holding onto her watch and Willis unlatches it.

Hans slo falls to his doom AND THIS IS THE BEST BUILDING FALL IN CINEMA.

Willis makes out with Holly "I know me ganking people and shitting into their mouths gets you hot."

So everyone has gone bye bye and confetti is falling....or Barry Bond Rookie cards.

Holy shit. Whoever is smart enough to pick those up is richhhh as shit.

Seriously. Do it!

We get calm music as everything burns and Willis and Holly are helped out by the firemen. The firemen start to strip for a calendar. It's hot.

We see the news vultures coming up to harass them as Willis sees Carl. Their eyes lock and Holly knows she's lost her husband forever to Carl Winslow.

Now he has to move to Chicago and shit all over their pizza.

Carl and Willis hug and it's a cart..cart...happy moment moment.

Carl shows he's jealous of HOlly and Breakfast Club comes running up to yell at Willis.

The Nerd's brother jumps up and aims at Willis, but gets obliterated by Carl. Carl hasn't shot his pew pew since the covered up his execution of a 13 year old years before.

In all seriousness, that was a great moment.

Argyle is tired of waiting to find his parking ticket, so he burst through the gate.

Willis walks towards him when Walter Peck comes up to be the biggest piece of shit in the movie. He's the real villain.

Holly punches Peck in the nose and it's great.

Willis (and I) are proud of her.

They get into the limo.

They embrace in the back of the limo, it drives off, and Christmas music plays.

I CAN NOT STRESS HOW PERFECT AN ACTION MOVIE THIS IS.

So that was Die Hard and it's 100% the best action movie of all time.

You have character growth, you have interesting villains, you have an interesting plot that has twists, you have funny moments, you have incredible attention to details.

It is the perfect action film.

@threadreaderapp unroll