Thread by @Soundsaboutrig4

Oh shit. Ohhh Shit. Fuck! FUCKKKKKKK!!!

@Soundsaboutleft and I just fucked up bad.

We thought we could handle shit since we ate gremlins without a problem.

We were fucking wrong. My Pet Monster fucked us up...oh god. It's TRYING TO BREAK IN!

https://twitter.com/Soundsaboutrig4/status/1434609891553861634

We'd heard a rumor that My Pet Monster blood could be used to scare off fraggles.

We'd already had to fight off five of them earlier.

We did some googling "how stop fraggles murdering you" and we saw the post "So You're being hunted by fraggles."

https://twitter.com/Soundsaboutrig4/status/1436536395284111363

So Left did a little more research "my pet monster blood 4 cell." That lead us to a rumor that there was a My Pet Monster living in Griffith Park in the old zoo.

It was a thirty minutes drive there, but we'd already siphoned enough gas from our neighbor's car to get us there.

We got to griffith and found the old zoo.

We piled out of the car. Left had his The Penetrator and I had the Anal Annihilator. Look, if it worked on fraggles, it would fuck up a My Pet Monster.

We started to check out the various rotting cages.

We'd all but given up when we saw a tiny sign that says "My Pet Monster...this way."

It pointed to a cave that went inside the hill.

"You're going first, dickfuckle" Left informed me.

"Uh. You're the one with the better melee weapon."

Left flopped it about. "It's flimsy."

"You're just the worst, Left."

"Yeah. I know. Tell you what. I'll make you a doozer sundae."

"That's what got us into this problem in the first place."

"I mean...if we eat them all...they stop being a problem."

"We have no clue how many fraggles and doozers there are."

"Fine. I'll buy you pizza."

"Good pizza. Not that Pizza by Alfredo shit I hope."

"Great Scott. Do you think I'm a savage?"

"I hope not."

"Just get the fuck in there and blind the monster with that anal annihilator."

"I want pepperoni and sausage."

"Whatever."

We made our way into the cave. It was dark, but random torches lined the way in.

After what felt like forever, we came to a large chamber.

It was lit by hundreds of candles and torches. Upon a throne of bones we saw My Pet Monster.

Upon his head was a crown made from, what I could tell, the skulls of various Saturday Morning...WAS THAT HE-MAN'S HEAD??

"Left," I whispered, "this dude seems badass."

"It's either we bleed him dry or we have to move."

"We can't afford to move!"

"Then get to annihilating."

We took a few steps in and we heard him speak. He didn't even turn to look at us.

"I've been waiting for yo...WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU ASSHOLES?"

"I'm RIght. He's Left."

"Those are your names? Did your mother hate you that much?"

"She hated him," Left pointed out.

"We're here..."

"To buy from my MLM. I have everything from energy drinks to skin products. What would you like?"

"Uh...do you sell your blood?"

"No. I...is this a kink thing? I mean you're holding sex toys."

"What? No. It's not a kin..okay the toys are, but not the blood."

"So you want my blood? What for?"

"We're undersiege by fraggles."

"And you think I'll give my blood up f...ah. You thought you'd kill me and drain me of it."

He stood up and the weight of his body made a skull below his foot explode into powder.

"Come and taste death."

I looked at Left and he looked at me. We both knew we were outmatched, so we ran.

We could hear My Pet Monster following after us. It was laughing. Taunting us. "Run mortal. Run, but know I will always find you."

We bolted to the car.

We got home and immediately regretted not getting a better door. We'd bought a shitty one off of craigslist to replace the one that got fraggle rocked the fuck out its frame.

"Should have gone with steel doors if we're going to keep killing these beloved creatures," I said.

"Yeah, well, if wishes were fishes it'd stink like shit after 3 days," Left said.

"That's not a saying."

The door started to shudder as My Pet Monster knocked.

"I know you're in there. I can smell your fear...and Taco Bell. Did...did you stop at Taco Bell before fleeing home?"

"Yes!" I said.

"We needed the nutrients."

"Uh. Did you get a gordita?"

"Yeah. Always."

"And Spicy potato tacos?"

"Yeah!"

"Hand them over and I'll let you live."

"Why is it we're always being robbed of our food?"

"Because it's magically delicious before it blows your asshole asunder."

I opened up the mail slot and slid the food out.

"I hope you got fire sauce."

I put those through the slot.

"Okay. I'll let you live...for now."

"So what are we going to do about the fraggles?" I asked after My Pet Monster left us alone.

"I don't know...build a moat?"

"You gonna dig it?

"Fuck no."

"Maybe...maybe we could just put the corpses of the dead ones on spikes in the front yard. Ya know...intimidate."

"Yeah. If it was good enough for Dracula, it's good enough for me."

So that's how we ended up with 5 dead fraggles staked in our front yard.

I'll let you know how that works out.

I can tell you the neighbors are pissed about the smell.