Thread by @Soundsaboutrig4

So I eluded to this earlier, but earlier ...wait...I just...earlier earlier @Soundsaboutleft had a fight for our lives against a "delivery person."

Here's our tale of woe and triumph.

https://twitter.com/Soundsaboutrig4/status/1436473320954728449

So earlier I was reviewing Die Hard and Left was shadowboxing while his Care Bear jerky (I'll get to that another day) cooked...cured? Whatever the fuck it does.

There was a knock on our door. I ignored it because it's a pandemic and I refuse to have human contact.

They kept hammering on the door. Like insis...insi...constantly.

I yelled out "Just leave it, asshole!"

They kept knocking. I looked through the door eyehole and saw someone wearing a death mask.

Not the king Tut type. The "wear during the purge" type.

"Hey, Left. Did you invite a friend over?"

"We have friends?"

"That's why I was confused. This asshole keeps knocking."

"Let me try."

Left went over and yelled "Kindly eat your own asshole and piss off."

The knocking continued.

Left looked out the eyehole and swore. "There's like five of them out there. They all have weapons. Shit...I think...I think those are Fraggles. Fuck."

"Here for revenge?"

"Yep."

"Shit."

"Get the gear."

https://twitter.com/Soundsaboutrig4/status/1434969145485844482

I hit a button and a wall panel opened up and showed...sex toys.

"Uh...Left?"

"Shit. I forgot I moved the weapons to the other room."

He hit the button and his kinks got hidden again.

He went to open the other panel. That opened up and...it was empty.

"What the hell?" I said

Left swore. "I forgot I sent them out for sharpening."

"So what are we gonna do? Grab some steak knives?"

"Those are being sharpened, too."

"So..."

He walked over to the old weapon button and hit it.

Out came the kink.

"I'm taking the penetrator."

I just stared at all of these toys and...look. I'm not here to kink shame, but who wants to grab their "brother's" kinky toys?

But I had little choice. The fraggles were kicking in our door. The deadbolt we had was already started to break.

I grabbed something that looked like a morningstar.

"Ah, the Anal Annihilator. That's a good one. That's one Tina likes."

"I...just...I don't want to hear this!!"

"Fine. Whatever. I'm sorry that you're repressed and refuse to expl..."

The front door, thankfully, broke.

Like I would legit rather have to fight off a red fraggle than talk about sex with a relative.

The red fraggle with the demon mask leapt at me with a butcher's knife.

I leapt back.

The other fraggles charged in. Three went towards Left screaming "Get the defiler!"

"Don't kink shame!" Left yelled as he thwomped one in the face with The Penetrator.

I saw this out of the corner of my eye as a blue fraggle started to try and flank me.

I faked towards the red fraggle, then spun and smashed the annihilator against the blue fraggle's face.

It screamed "My eye!" and dropped its meat cleaver.

I didn't even have a moment to celebrate when the red one slashed at me. It grazed my left hand, causing my hand to bleed.

I kicked out and caught the red one in the chest. It stumbled backwards into a pile of liquor bottles. It crashed into them and screamed in pain when several bottles broke underneath it, glass stabbing into its legs.

"Suck it, loser" I yelled.

I'm..I'm terrible at one liners.

I made an almost fatal flaw by trying to make a one liner. The blue fraggle had circled behind me and attacked. Luckily it had no depth perception and they missed my spine.

They still hammered my back with a cleaver.

I screamed in pain and swung around.

I whipped the annihilator at it. It jumped back, which is exactly what I wanted. I whipped at it again. It ducked and I hit the massive statue of Left we keep in our living room.

I fell and crushed the blue fraggle. Green blood sprayed everywhere as its bones were shattered.

I spared a moment to check on Left. He was bleeding from several wounds. An orange fraggle was hanging from the ceiling fan, impaled to it with a skewer he had been using to dry Care Bear meat.

He was fighting off the other two.

I had no more time to worry about him since the red fraggle was back up, blood pouring out of it.

I knew if I waited long enough, it'd bleed out. It knew the same.

"Your death has been demanded by the elders! Die!"

The Red Fraggle dove at me.

I sidestepped and annihilated the back of its head. I heard its skull crack as it smashed into the ground.

I used my booted foot to splatter its brain all over the living room.

I turned and Left was in quite a pickle.

The purple fraggle was moving to Left's right and the yellow one was going to Left's left.

Neither made it. I came up behind the yellow one and snapped its neck.

The purple fraggle screamed "Gregggoorrrrmoonnn! No!!"

Left used its pain against it and stabbed it in the mouth with the penetrator. He used so much force it blasted through the back of its head.

Green blood and brains dripped from the penetrator.

"The fuck?" was all Left could say.

"I...I'm not cleaning this shit! You were the one who wanted to eat a fraggle."

"I'm not cleaning it."

"Fuck you. I'm not cleaning it!"

"FUCKKKKKK YOUUUUU!"

So that's why I sit here with fraggles rotting on my floor.

Left is a total dick.