Thread by @Soundsaboutrig4

Most fast food places have a secret menu. @Wendys has a secret Fight Club. Well, actually, more like a secret food kumite like in Bloodsport.

@Soundsaboutleft competed in the most recent one.

He still has night terrors about it. He'll randomly wake screaming "Baconator!!!"

Just as a bit of a preface. The Wendy's Kumite is how Wendy's selects its next menu item. Each combatant is one hypothetical menu item.

The winner of the tournament's food they were "given" becomes the newest menu item.

What? You thought a committee or some shit did that?

Left was chosen after he filled out one of those restaurant surveys. Actually, I shouldn't say one. I should say around 3,200 surveys. Each one said "I want free food!!!!" and then had provocative art and our address/phone number.

The dude loves Wendy's. He'd do anything for it.

We were at home desperately trying to see if we could scrounge together enough cash for food when there was a knock at our door.

Due to various previous engagements battling fraggles, we were wary.

https://twitter.com/Soundsaboutrig4/status/1437187020854464515

We grabbed various sharp objects and I looked through the peephole.

There was someone in a suit. Which, let me tell you, was better than seeing ninja fraggles or predator Gorgs.

We live a weird life.

Anyway, I opened the door.

"What's up?"

"Is this the Sounds About household?"

"Uh. Yeah."

"Is a Mr. Left here?"

I gestured at Left.

"Left. Someone is here for you. Probably going to hammer your ass for poking at corporations with your absurdist satire and a pointy stick."

"What's up, hard nips?" Left asked the guy.

"Mr Left. Have you sent in over 3,000 survey results all asking for fee?"

"Oh, yeah. Did I win something or...are you a cop? If you're a cop you have to tell me. I saw that on a tv show during the 1980s and assume this a real thing."

"Well, first off. That trope is inaccurate. Second of all you did win something."

"What did I win?"

"You're part of the Wendy's promo. So do you consent" and then he mumbled something I later thought was "consent to join and release Wendy's of all liability by saying 'what?'".

"What?" Left asked.

"And that's all the consent we need! Get him!"

Before we could do anything, several windows were smashed and flashbangs went off.

I was blinded and fell to the ground by the con...concus...the big force.

Then I felt a sharp pain and passed out.

When I woke up, it was in a small, metal room. There was a single bulb providing light.

In the corner, Left was shadowboxing. He was in a, I guess it's called, full gi.

He had a bottle of whiskey and a wide assortment of Wendy's food.

"What is going on?" I asked.

"I've been selected to fight in the Wendy's Kumite. I'm representing Big Bacon Cheddar Cheeseburger."

He turned to show me his back. On it was tattooed 'Big Bacon Cheddar Cheeseburger.'

"What in sweet hell are you talking about?"

Well, it turned out that all the restaurant surveys you fill out will be put into a big bucket and they draw names from it. Left had submitted so many that they drew his name a couple times. That, like joining the military in Starship Troopers, guaranteed citiz...a fighting spot.

"Man. I can't believe you slept through that whole spiel. They said they'd go over the rules and ev..."

"Why aren't we trying to escape?" I asked.

"Uh. And miss the opportunity for a lifetime supply of Wendy's frosties?"

"That's no reas...DID YOU SAY LIFETIME SUPPLY?"

"Yep!"

"You mean that delicious shake that everyone who is totally cool drinks?" I asked.

"Uh. Yeah. Wait? Are you shilling?"

"What? Who would shill for a corporation that you're implying has a food kumite in a hope they won't bring their wrath upon you? I mean...they're not <rival fast food redacted>." I responded.

I mean...who would do that?

"Uh. Okay." He then went to eat delicious Wendy's.

"The tournament starts soon. Based off myself, I'm guessing the type of people they got for this tournament are just random idiots like you. I can take them.

Shit. I ganked a Gorg."

"Technically the delivery truck crippled it."

"Shut up!"

There was a knock at the door.

"It's time."

Left then took off the karate jacket? part of the gi. Is it the jacket part? I mean... *google* maybe that's right.

That's NOT THE POINT, THOUGH.

What was the point was Left had a massive Wendy's tattoo on his chest!!!!

"What the shit?"

"Pretty sweet, right? They said I'd get a free small drink coupon if I allowed them to tattoo me."

"Really?"

"No! It was already on my chest when I woke up. It hurts like a bitch."

I tried to poke it, but Left slapped my hand away.

"I will throat chop you."

We opened the door and...the dude from before was wearing a red wig and a blue/white striped suit.

The suit looked good. The wig looked cheap. That was a shame.

"Put this on." The dude tossed a cheap wig at Left. Left caught it.

"I'm good."

The guy pulled back the front of his jacket to reveal a pew pew weapon.

"So you should put the wig on," I said.

"Yeah. Guess so. I'm starting to think you guys are dicks."

"You're the one who consented to this."

"By asking what you mumbled?"

"It's all legal!"

"Come on. Let's go."

We followed after.

"The name is Hank by the way."

"I don't give a shittttt," Left said.

"Same. You can go rot for all we care."

"Wow. You guys are rude. I would say I hope you lose, but I want Big Bacon Cheddar Cheeseburger to win."

"Why am I here anyway? I didn't consent."

"No witnesses. It was either bring you here or," he pulled back his jacket and tapped his pew pew again.

"Okay. Guess I'm going to watch."

Then more bits happened. We went into this large room with a fighting ring in the center.

There were dozens of competitors. This was all in a lower section. Above us was stadium seating with hundreds of people cheering it on. All had a Wendy's red wig on.

There were even several box seats that people in, you won't believe this, togas. Yeah. TOGAS!

Insanity, right?

In various areas there were people with suits on. Some had shotties and some big machine pew pews.

All ready to second amendment the dick out of anyone who tried to start shit.

I looked around and saw there all of the competitors had 3 things in common.

First: they wore gi.

Second: they had a Wendy’s Logo tattooed on their chest.

Last: they had some kind of food tattooed on their back.

One person had “Pumpkin Spice Frosty” I wanted them to lose.

Some of the others I saw were ‘Bacon Backbreaker,’ ’Fucking Good Egg Salad,’ ’Triple Tequila Taquitos,’ and ‘Bowl of Sadness.’

That last one was tattooed on the back of a guy who looked like a Viking from times of old. He was currently punching a steel beam and…denting it.

“Dude. Uh. Bowl of Sadness over there is looking pretty tough,” I said.

Left glanced over. “He’s all show.”

“Yeah. He’s showing that he can dent fucking steel!”

“I ate a fucking gremlin. I can handle his lame ass.”

Before we could talk more, the lights went out.

Then intense, colored lights began a light show. Fog spewed out from everywhere. Music began to play.

It was ‘Cold Drinks’ playing at maximum volume

The music then lowered to just the beat when a voice announced “All praise the might Wendy!”

All the armed guards shouted “Praise be to Wendy! Praise be to Wendy! Praise be to Wendy!”

“EVERYONE PRAISE WENDY!”

The guards pointed their various arma..arm…weapons at us.

We all chanted “Praise be to Wendy!”

Well, I sorta mouthed it. I have an aversion to chanting praise upon people in public. Don’t shame me.

Then the lights came up.

Wendy came out and DAMMNNNNNN. She looked amazing. She even made the blue/white striped toga work.

She had a roman emperor crown on and smiled at everyone.

As she walked in, the guards up in the stadium portion started to throw gold coins (largesse I believe it’s called) to the people.

One of them fell down below and landed beside me. I picked it up. It said “Good for one free small fry.”

I pocketed it.

Wendy then calmed everyone and said. “Welcome. I must say that You're Wendy's Kind of People. All of you. Today we are here to do some market research. Which new product will grace our perfect menu in the coming months?"

She continued "Today, we’ll find out. It’s Always Great to see so many competitors. Each one of you proves Wendy’s has the taste and that there Ain't No Reason to Go Anyplace Else.”

I leaned over to Left “Aren’t those Wendy’s slogans?”

“Yeah. Makes sense.”

“I guess.”

Wendy was still talking. “In times long ago we would release a new product into a limited market and see how it did. How inefficient. There is a better way. I mean using a secret kumite to determine the future of our business? That's fresh, that's class, that's Wendy’s!”

People cheered as she lifted her hands up on the air.

“Ladies and Gentlemen who are here competing. Know that I appreciate all of you, but there can be only winner. The rest of you will…well. Best to win. Oh. And before I forget. It's way better than fast food... It's Wendy’s.”

“I don’t even remember that one,” I told Left.

“That was circa 2007 to 2009.” I told you. The dude loves Wendy’s.

With that Wendy gave the signal for the fights to begin.

A large board on the wall flipped around until 2 names landed. It was “Pumpkin Spice” and “Bowl of Sadness.”

Pumpkin Spice was visibly terrified as he stepped into the ring.

Before the battle began, Pumpkin Spice and Bowl of Sadness both saluted Wendy and said "We who are about to die salute you!."

Wendy dipped her head to show she heard their gesture of respect.

One of the guards came up to me.

"Want to bet on the winner? There's 20 to 1 Pumpkin Spice survives more than a round."

"Uh. No. I'm good."

I did have a question, though.

"So...what happens to the losers?"

"Those who live or those who die?"

"Wait. What?"

"Oh, yeah. It's either you surrender or die. The living are given a free meal coupon. Those who die? They're sold to a fast food rival of a royal name we don't speak of for their meat vats."

"Are you serious?"

"Deadly."

A loud blasting note indicated the fight started.

As it did the music from Hot Drinks began to play.

It's a damn catchy tune.

What ensued wasn't so much a fight as an execution.

Bowl of Sadness quickly grabbed Pumpkin Spiced and crushed his spine.

He then threw his lifeless body aside.

People dressed in <redacted royal named fast food place name> costumes came out and dragged the body out with hooks.

"Left. Dude. I'm worried."

Left, who I should point out had drunk at least 2 bottles of whiskey, said "I'm not. I can take that punk ass any"

then Left vomited. "Okay. Ready to go now!"

What happened next was a MONTTTAAAAGEEEEEEE!!!!

Left fighting and, holy crap, winning. He even got a Wendy's Kumite fastest KO record!!

Oh, and Bowl of Sadness killed EVERYONE he fought. Just...ugh.

The audience cheered, but Wendy seemed slightly annoyed.

FINALLY we got to the last battle. Left vs Bowl of Sadness.

Wendy stood up. "May the best flavor win."

The note blasted and the Hot Drinks music swelled as the battle began.

Bowl of Sadness charged Left, but Left was expected this.

He did a backflip kick.

Bowl of Sadness stumbled back and Left swore "MY FOOT HURTS SO FUCKING BAD!!!"

Left limped backward.

"His face is like stone, Right!"

"Give up!" I yelled!

Left shook his head no.

They started to circle each other. Well, Left limped in circles.

Bowl of Sadness would start to rush Left and he'd slap him and go "BACK YE DOG!"

Bowl of Sadness seemed confused every time.

Finally, though, Bowl of Sadness was able to catch Left off guard.

He got Left into a bear hug and began to squeeze.

I screamed "HE GIVES UP!"

Left shook his head no.

I then saw Left glance up at Wendy. She smiled at him and blew him a kiss.

Left hulked out after that. He broke Bowl of Sadness' death grip and then RIPPED HIS FUCKING HEART OUT!

Holy shit it was insane.

Left then stomped on it.

Everyone in the room jumped up and cheered because, let's face it, who the fuck wants to eat a Bowl of Sadness.

Even Wendy was cheering. He red pigtails bobbing up and down.

Then the people from above started to throw all their golden free fry and drink tokens down at us.

So many came that they knocked Left and I unconscious by the sheer volume.

When we woke, we were...back in our house.

I was lying on the floor while Left was draped over the couch.

"Jesus. Was that all a dream?" I asked.

Left woke up.

He tried to stand and collapsed. "I certainly broke my foot either way."

"Wait," Left asked. "Did you dream of a Wendy's Kumite, too."

"Yeah."

"Did we share a hallucina..." and then I saw the tattoo on Left's chest.

I pointed at it and Left went "Holy shit this is gonna get infected."

That's when Wendy walked in from the other room with 2 goons.

The goons were carrying silver platters with these massive burgers with bacon just everywhere on it.

"Congratulations, gentlemen. You won the Flavor Kumite. Please. Try it!"

We really didn't have an option on if we'd eat it.

The goons shoved the burger into our hands and then shoved our hands towards our mouths and meat, cheese, and bacon went up my nose and down my gullet.

The second bite didn't require any assistance.

It was damn good!

"I was glad you won, Left. My idiot cousin was the one who brought Bowl of Sadness into this. He's an owner of a rival fast food place with a royal name if you get my meaning."

"Uh...I got con...con...I got a head boo boo from falling coins. But I think I get it."

Wendy then explained that there was an attempt to undermine Wendy's food by her terrible cousin. He thought if the new item sucked, he could tank her restaurants and his would reign supreme.

Hell, he thought he'd win the franchise wars. Uh. Taco Bell won that. Watch the documentary Demolition Man for that.

Unless you're in other countries...then it's pizza hut. Weird stuff, man.

Anyway. Wendy's finished her very long monologue as we finished our burgers.

Left claimed "it healed my wounds," but I'm not legally allowed to say whether that's true or not.

"Anyway," Wendy said. "I must thank you one last time. Oh, and take this." She took out a card and handed it to Left.

"With this you get a lifetime pass for as much Wendy's food as you'll ever want."

She then kissed Left on the cheek, went out of the door, and out of our lives.

So that's how Left made sure the Big Bacon Cheddar Cheeseburger was on the Wendy's menu.

You're welcome.

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