Thread by @jeremynewberger

Civil War Letter
Georgia, 10/10/21

My Very Dear Wife:

Indications are very strong that we shall move in a few days. Lest I should not be able to write you again, I feel impelled to write a few lines, that may fall under your eye, in case I die.
(1)

Our movement to the Walmart parking lot may be of severe conflict and death to me. If I should fall on the battle-field, proving President Trump won in 2020, because of Chinese thermostats changing the votes, I've no misgivings about the cause in which I am engaged. (2)

I know how strongly America leans upon the triumph of MAGA, and how great a debt we owe to those who audited and the MyPillow guy, and I'm perfectly willing to lay down my joys in this life to help maintain Trump’s rule, Melania’s comfort, and pay off his real estate debts. (3)

I cannot describe to you my feelings on this calm Fall night, when two thousand Proud Boys are sleeping around me, many of them in moving sleeping bags, with the sound of women, and some men, moaning on their phones, I am communing with God, my country and thee. (4)

I've sought closely and diligently, for a wrong motive in this hazarding our happiness, and I could not find one. A pure love of Trump’s border wall, his North Korea peace deal, people saying "Merry Christmas, and not Happy Holidays," have called upon me, and I have obeyed. (5)

Marjorie, my love for you, and the rest of my polyamorous tantric lovers is deathless. My love of half the country is like a strong wind, and bears me to the battlefield. Memories of his tweets extolling crowd size, hatred for Mexicans, Muslims, and his Blacks, spurns me on. (6)

As for my boys, they will grow as I have done, shooting guns, avoiding critical race theory, not wearing masks, and never know a father's love, just like Don Jr. and Eric. I have confidence they will own the Libs. Tell my two mothers, I taped Blue Bloods for them.

- Craig (7)