Thread by @DisInHigherEd

Anonymous Story #20 - Wholly Unfit

We will be posting this story as a thread below, but if you'd prefer to read it as a blog, you can do that.
CW: Mentions of Sexual Assault, medication, and verbal abuse
[blog post] disabledinhighered.weebly.com/blog/wholly-un…
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#DEHEM21 #DisInHigherEd

I'm a grad student who didn't get diagnosed with my disabilities until fairly recently, and I did so under extreme duress - it was either that and have a legal right to dubious support, or be forced out of my program. 2/

I have ADHD, I'm autistic, and I have joint hypermobility issues which mean I get injured a lot in the course of my work (long field work seasons are rough on both my physical and mental health). 3/

I also have complex PTSD, initially from sexual assault, medical trauma, and harassment in my youth, but my doctor assures me that a hostile PhD work environment and abuse from supervisors belong on the list too, now. 4/

I'm still in my grad program, several years in, but my 1st few years of grad school boiled down to verbal abuse from my advisor (which is a nice way of saying screaming at me for innocuous things like asking to shut a door to minimize background noises 5/

or asking for clarification on comments on some written work or data analysis) and what seemed like every supervisor and mentor I had actively trying to kick me out of the academy. 6/

I struggled a lot in my first few years with unspoken expectations I could not possibly have picked up on (autistic), an advisor who responds to clarification questions and social confusion with rage, and an inability to catch up once I started falling behind (ADHD). 7/

Things got worse when my role as a teacher meant that I had to go through the mandatory reporting process when a student working closely with me on research was assaulted. 8/

This triggered a serious PTSD flare, and despite trying so hard to catch up that I barely slept for months, doing two field research projects while teaching full time, and injuring myself so badly I needed months of physical therapy, 9/

I came back in the fall to be told I hadn't done enough over the summer and that they were taking away first authorship on a paper I designed and executed more or less independently, a project that kept me in the lab until 1 in the morning multiple times. 10/

Not a single person, not my advisor, not my committee, not senior graduate students, not the graduate mentoring committee, no one... interpreted my struggles as a sign of serious pain and challenges. 11/

They all assumed I just wasn't invested, or if I was invested, that I wasn't 'good enough' - & they told me so. I've been told that basic challenges, like taking longer with high-executive-function tasks like providing high-quality feedback on written work from students 12/

and basic accommodations like preferring the overhead lights off when working in my own space, wearing headphones to block out distracting noise or closing the door, or asking for advance notice *when feasible* before abrupt changes 13/

or tasks I really struggle with, like driving somewhere new, make me wholly unfit for my desired career (teaching and some research at the university level). I've been told I don't seem like I care about my work because I don't emote effusively or smile enough, 14/

which is a nice side of sexism to go with ableism, or because I don't constantly want to go get drinks with people from the department or lose work time to socializing (I constantly having to expend considerable effort to refocus myself after being interrupted for small talk 15/

and it absolutely negatively affects my work productivity). I know what they tell me isn't true - is there any clearer indication of actively loving my field of study than putting myself through systematic soul-crushing attacks on my character to keep pursuing it? 16/

I've won awards for outstanding teaching and I get student emails telling me how important it is to have a teacher who is so passionate about her subject who also gets what they're going through and cares about them as people. 17/

I'm doing a dissertation chapter that multiple people have told me, now that it's half completed, did not seem feasible or even possible when my PI pitched it to them - and I love it. The pandemic saved me. 18/

It sounds awful, I feel awful saying it, but it forced the department to let me work from home (an accommodation I'd previously been refused) and to give me an extension on my comprehensive exam, which they should have done anyway but had been fighting. 19/

It gave me time to get from diagnosis to actual treatment and support and begin learning how to navigate a totally different set of challenges than I'd encountered before. This is all so new to me, even though it's also like finally having an explanation for my entire life, 20/

I still don't feel "disabled enough" to participate openly in things like this or to occupy space. I'm not 'out' in my department any more than I'm out about being queer - neither of those parts of me have to be visible, & I tend not to bring them up to people I don't trust 21/

I'm a really private person, & after all that. can you blame me? I'm torn between a desire to be visible for the benefit of my students and as a reminder to the faculty that struggling is not a sign of not caring, 22/

and a desire to protect myself and not paint an even bigger target on my back than I already have. I'm still here. I passed comps. I got a few grants, I got through the field season. 23/

I won a teaching award on the same day I got prescribed a benzodiazepine for panic attacks in the lab while working on my dissertation research. The personal attacks and yelling continue. I flinch every time my advisor interrupts me to talk. 24/

I see a path forward to my PhD now, I see the light ahead, but I hope it isn't another train... and I wish I knew what putting myself through this for another 2-3 years is going to do to me.
_
Thank you to the anonymous author for sharing their story. 25/ Fin.