Imagine that you're trapped in someone else's body witnessing their own movements & words all the time, even when you think about what you want to say, someone else's thoughts and words come out.
This is why being autistic is so isolating.
NTs see what they want to see.
1/15
It's like neurotypical people, during social interactions with autistic people, are looking at us in a fun mirror with helium voices or something.
Basically, no matter what we as autistic people do, no matter how much we try to accommodate neurotypicals,
they don't see us.
2/15
They interpret our frustration and despair as attacks or petty or aggressive or defensive.
They interpret our passion as anger or argumentativeness.
They interpret our sadness as not even real because we "function" in the things they deem important.
3/15
They interpret our cries for help as soft complaints.
They interpret our knowing truths as incompetence or doubtfulness or shyness.
They interpret our reaching out as a humble brag or a one-up.
4/15
We are never seen as we truly are.
We are never treated with the respect, support, and kindness we deserve.
We are never treated without judgment.
We are never treated without assumptions of motive or intention.
5/15
So many of us have had to learn that our "instincts" or how we interpret non-autistic people's social signals aren't "right."
So many of us have had to learn parallel pathways of interpretation, tone of voice, gestures, symbolism, eye movements.
Neurotypicals never have.
6/15
So many of us constantly suppress our natural facial expressions, tone of voice, how we move our hands, hum a song, tap on a pencil, clasp our hands, sit on a chair, walk, where our eyes move.
7/15
Non-autistic people just do what comes naturally (to a point) and then make subconscious snap judgements they don't even know they're making.
They call themselves rational or "fair" or "objective" when we know it's bias (research shows it).
We know they're wrong.
8/15
And yet we have to sit there while they look at the fun mirror and react to things we never implied, never said, and never did. We have to real-time watch their assumptions, be told we're not paying attention, be told to look at them, get snapped at for our tone of voice.
9/15
Autistic people put up with so much daily shit that I'm not sure we're even aware of because that's just how it's been since we were 5 years old.
"What if I say it like this..? What if I try a tone like this..? What if I use passive voice..? What if I look at their face?"
10/15
We spend our entire lives in a world where all we're trying to do is convince non-autistic people that we really do mean what we say, we really don't have an ulterior motive, we're really not the judgments and assumptions you make every few seconds from watching us.
11/15
I've written a lot about being autistic, my personal experience, and listened to many others.
I still don't come close to explaining just how many microaggressions we receive on a daily basis by most non-autistic people.
12/15
It's like non-autistic people have these instant judgement reflexes and we're the only ones who can seem them.
And if we point them out, they just get angrier, because they can't see them. If they can't see them, then these judgements don't exist. So it must be our fault.
13/15
It always must be our fault.
That's what it comes down to.
And that's what most non-autistic people decide. That it's always our fault.
How would you feel as a non-autistic person if you were constantly, daily blamed for something that wasn't in your control?
14/15
Non-autistic people need to learn, understand, and reflect on their emotional judgement reflexes.
So, I want to do a short thread on autistic labor.
Recently I got asked to give input for some sort of design or study from a graduate student. I was asked if I could answer a couple of questions about X and just give my personal opinion and experience.
1/12
I asked if the project had autistic input and they said yes, and that their sibling is autistic (which generally means the person running it is not autistic).
Basically, by autistic input, they meant that they were asking autistic people like me to answer questions.
2/12
I ran out of spoons to really respond to this, but I said something like "generally it's best if you can pay autistic people."
The person responded saying they don't have much money for this, they're a graduate student, and it's "only a few minutes" of my time.
You know, one of the worst things about your mental health tanking when you're in grad school is that when you kind of "zoom out" and possibly to other people,
your struggles look ridiculous and overblown. But academia constantly teaches you that you NEED it to live.
So you can't tell people easily, and if you do you can't expect sympathy because sometimes it does sound ridiculous.
And academia constantly reinforces the idea that you -need- X/Y/Z to survive, to live, to be a "productive" human being. So it's easy for your brain to believe it
And we're also taught that these artificial (and a lot of other -isms) road blocks that pop up during graduate school are part of the journey and that if you don't "overcome" them you don't deserve the education because you didn't "fight for it."
Today was the first day in my life that someone, to my face, told me that I have experienced some sort of trauma.
And I've realized that maybe to most people, it probably doesn't look like trauma.
It probably looks like encouragement.
1/18
These are the phrases I have heard throughout my life (and still as an adult sometimes) which often trigger me:
You'll be fine!
You're an expert at this!
You can do this!
You deserve it!
Don't worry about it, it's not a big deal.
Don't be so negative!
You're so smart!
2/
When you get praised for being perfect, for never failing, for always being dependable,
you always wonder if once you mess up, the people in your life who cared about you and supported you will be gone. That they won't care or won't like you anymore or won't support you.
3/
This might sound like something one shouldn't admit,
But do you ever feel bitter watching people have a temporary injury who then recover completely without pain?
I feel like it's treated like a "phase"
while my permanent, mundane foot injury is the rest of my life.
A temporary understandable injury is something that people have sympathy for, attention, care.
Permanent injuries, chronic illness, eventually people just get annoyed, why can't you do X/Y/Z, you navigate the world differently forever. You can't do the things you did before.
I only realized this when I crashed my bike and hurt my shoulder. Things that make sense people don't mind.
When you tell them your surgery to decrease/get rid of your pain with walking, they just look at you saying "there's really nothing that can do?" completely stunned.
This was a great segment & I really want to talk about a feeling that was described by Ani Spooner regarding hiding her strawberry birth mark growing up.
It's not something I've heard talked about much but this feeling is something I relate heavily to as an autistic person. 1/18
In this segment about facial differences, she talks about how she was taught how to hide her strawberry birth mark by age 8. It took 1.5 hours to put the makeup on herself, so that people wouldn't see it.
By age 12, she started applying this makeup every single day.
2/18
She talks about how when other people saw her, they never knew she had that strawberry birth mark. And she said the thought of taking this makeup off was terrifying, because she had no idea if people were still going to like her or want to know her.
3/18