Thread by @AutSciPerson

Today was the first day in my life that someone, to my face, told me that I have experienced some sort of trauma.

And I've realized that maybe to most people, it probably doesn't look like trauma.

It probably looks like encouragement.

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These are the phrases I have heard throughout my life (and still as an adult sometimes) which often trigger me:

You'll be fine!
You're an expert at this!
You can do this!
You deserve it!
Don't worry about it, it's not a big deal.
Don't be so negative!
You're so smart!

2/

When you get praised for being perfect, for never failing, for always being dependable,

you always wonder if once you mess up, the people in your life who cared about you and supported you will be gone. That they won't care or won't like you anymore or won't support you.

3/

When you learn to be presentable, perfect, pristine, palatable, dependable, it's almost as if your life turns into one fawning response after another. Because letting people down isn't an option for you.

4/

When people think they don't have to worry about you anymore because you are so "perfect" or so reliable,

they stop supporting you because they don't think you "need" it. They stop treating you as someone who could fail.

And the stakes feel even higher then.

5/

Now what I fail at is advocating for myself, not being able to say how I feel without feeling guilty around others, not being able to say no when I know a request is unreasonable, not being able to prioritize my own well-being or see when others are taking advantage of me.

6/

Sometimes it takes months, years for me to fully understand what happened in a social interaction and how my fawning response allowed someone to deplete my energy and effort much more than was okay. No matter how much I think about it at the time it takes forever to understand 7/

When you're told you don't need support or that you're so [good quality here], you "learn" to get by without support when you need it. You learn not to ask for help. You learn to do things on your own because that's a requirement because you're the "dependable" one. 8/

People talk about how when you do something a few times it gets easier.

For me, some things never ever get easier. They never do. It's the same anxiety every time. How will they interpret my autistic traits?

Whatever I do can't predict or change that perception.

9/

"Practice makes perfect."
"If you keep doing it you'll get better, it'll be easier."

Even growing up, I knew this was a lie for certain things in my life, like presentations. I couldn't explain why but I knew it was a lie. I got told it wasn't over and over again.

10/

I want to know that people will still care about me and support me when I fail. I want to know that they'll have my back. I want to know that failing isn't the end of the world.

But it never gets any easier because I was never told these things & I don't have the evidence.

11/

Even as an adult I think the people around me will hate me if I fail. Not necessarily my immediate family (maybe they'll just be disappointed), but friends, peers.

It's not a rational feeling. It's a feeling my body learned growing up and continues to learn.

12/

This might sound silly, but I never knew that failing was an option. Only in college did I start actively trying to be less perfectionist than I was, to intentionally not give 100% when I knew it didn't matter. I could barely do it. I'd try to be proud of myself when I did.

13/

But even though I'd try to encourage it myself, it's not like anyone else would be proud of me for that. No one congratulates you if you get a B on a paper, or if you turned an assignment in late (which I only did once in high school, and yes I was proud of it).

14/

Why can't we congratulate people for failing, in an honest way? Why can't we acknowledge it instead of saying "I know you can do it if you keep at it"?

Would we think it's "lazy" behavior? Would it be seen as bad? Are people who fail "not enough"?

15/

If I fail my dissertation defense, I want a failure party. I want an "it's over" party. I want a "good job surviving that trauma and coming out alive" party.

Perfection shouldn't be the meaning of life.
16/

Being autistic inherently means being unlikeable and abrasive in our current society. That's what it means to be myself. To be brutally honest, too much, annoying.
Perfectionism was all I had that people congratulated. So failure wasn't an option.

I want it to be an option.
16/

What I didn't hear in my life -

It's okay to fail!
We'll be here no matter what happens.
I'm here if you want me to listen to your concerns.
We're not going anywhere.
It's okay to feel anxious/worried/scared about this.
It's okay if things don't go well.

17/

Here's the real truth:

I can continue being a perfectionist and people-pleaser,

or I can be alive.

I'd rather be alive.

#ActuallyAutistic

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