Thread by @LeftwardSwing

Ok I'm going to try this again. This will be difficult for me to share & write. But I've found writing helps me deal with pain, loss, grief, sufferings, & anguish.

A year ago today, in fact just an hour ago, my mom died of Covid.

I can't believe it's been a year..
#COVID19

I'm unsure where to begin this. My thoughts are very overwhelming right now & the memories rush through my mind like water among rapids..fast, full of emotion & raw power.

I know I've said this before & I'll say it again, I believe I could've saved her but it wasn't my choice..

And that's one of the hardest things I've had to deal with. She didn't want to be here anymore & in a round about way ensured if she got Covid that she wouldn't make it. She didn't want any care at all. Nothing. Only "comfort care". And that's all she got.

And for a bit I thought she may make it. See, the hospital discharged her on the 4th day because she was doing so much better. I was so happy she was headed back to assisted living & was going to be ok.

That wasn't to be.....

The next day they found my mom wandering lost & completely nude in a stairwell. Understand my mom never had any problems with dimentia or anything. Nothing. Speculation is maybe the pain meds & nurses at facility gave her too much but who knows.

They called an ambulance & my mom was immediately back in the hospital again & in just a few short days would be my last conversation with her. I was the last person who she ever spoke with....

And that memory haunts me every minute of my life. I didn't realize I was at first.

That took a few days after her passing before figuring out I was the last person who spoke with her.

I happened just as they were putting her in medically induced coma. One of the last moments we shared together was laughter & I telling her I love her so much...

She was drugged very heavily & kept calling me the names of all the doggos we've had as pets lol. We laughed. That was the last laughter we'd ever share together.

I don't understand why she chose the path she did. It was IMO basically suicide by our healthcare system.

She signed a DNR (Do Not Recusitate Order) which I was very upset about when that happened. That was done long before Covid was ever a thing.

I saved her life 3 years before when she had a heart attack in my apartment & dropped to the floor, begging me to call 911.

I did. And she literally died in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. She was dead for a long time but somehow they brought her back. They weren't sure she would make it. She was intubated & on a ventilator then.

She made it & got a 2nd chance. But she hated what I did.

She never liked I saved her. She wasn't very nice to me for awhile after that. She didn't want to be here at that time either. She was in constant pain from Sarcoidosis & basically gave up in many ways. She required a lot of PT & decided assisted living was best.

My mom was a nurse for almost 40 years. Her specialty was working with Alzheimer's patients & was a a department head. She was as in charge of locked Alzheimer's units & she loved it. Previously she worked in long term care, was a school nurse, & worked in hospitals.

When Covid came about & nursing homes were the first to have outbreaks, they locked down my mom's assisted living facility.

I told her she needs to social distance & stay clear of people. We had many arguments over this & I was told "if I get it, oh well!'

This was horrific to me. She didn't raise me this way but raised me to value life, value your time here, & care deeply about others. She raised me very well & those values are still help deeply with me today.

And it hurts really bad because I tried to make a difference ...

And accepting that it was her choice is very hard.

How she got Covid though is 1 of the reasons why I am the way I am when it comes to antivaxers....

An antivax & anti-mask nurse brought Covid into the building. Last Thanksgiving she attended a big family dinner.

She caught it there & of course she didn't take any precautions at that dinner. She wound up killing more than 20 people, 1 of which is my mom.

Every time I deal with antivaxers I remember that; the selfishness, the irresponsibility, the lack of compassion & empathy, & the

death caused. I don't ever forget that. I'm forever branded by it.

Watching my mom pass on a Zoom call was tough. Watching my son & my step son in Germany cry was tough, they hadn't seen her in a long time & missed her greatly.

The last gasps of breath, the death rattle..

It was surreal. I can't describe it. I still can't believe it happened in some ways. It's an experience I wish on nobody. It forever changed you drastically.

I'm having great difficulty talking about this...

It was a nightmare what I went through & experienced. I don't want anyone to ever have to experience what I did.

And today I have to deal with antivaxers constantly. I try telling myself they don't have the same shared experience & had they, they'd change their tune fast.

I just want all of this over as fast as possible.
I know there's more out there hurting like I am. You're not alone, ok?

Please, get vaccinated & wear a mask. Please! Covid is no joke. Don't risk your life over something you read on the internet..

I love you mom.
I miss you mom....so much...
Thank you for everything you did for me in my life ❤️

1/28/1949 - 12/12/2020
#COVID19

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