Thread by @CoffinBuilder

I read somewhere [I wish I could find the source] that #ADHD affects executive function that precludes the ability to see the end-result of a task. Not knowing this makes completing the simplest of tasks both nearly impossible and filled with anxiety. /1

This has been tumbling around in my brain for quite some time. Pair that with attending my younger brother's wedding got me asking the question whether or not this is why I don't really date and remain single at 36 years old. /2

Granted, #COVID19 is a huge factor right now but I usually go years between relationships and I ended my last one pre-pandemic. Part of me feels like there's no point; it seems nearly impossible to find someone around here who has any kind of energy and social consciousness. /3

I've tried to use dating sites and apps but there's always this halt or hesitation when on the rare occasion I actually "match" with someone. In my younger days, I would either get ghosted after the first date if the first date happened at all [that's a story]. /4

Right now, when I think about dating, I recognize my own desire for it to be "the one" just so I don't have to go through the "getting to know you at a basic level" portion over again. I know the kind of energy that feels compatible with my own but it's so scarce /5

Then there are other mitigating factors, like being #actuallyautistic. Very few people are willing to have the patience or understanding of #neurodivergence. The ones that have, with some exceptions, abused it in one way or another. /6

I guess, what got to me just last night, was that I can't visualize what it would be like to be in a healthy relationship because I've never been in one. Now that I've done the work, my tolerance for a lack of self-awareness is very low. I don't want to be a crutch again. /7

There's still just this ache inside me, a desire to be loved. I think that's a human thing or, at least, I'd assume it is. I feel like my personality and interests are such compilations of niche oddities that there's no one that would want to be around it for long /8

The phrase, "Too weird to live, too rare to die," by Hunter S. Thompson sort of sums up how I feel about all of this. For some I'm too intense, for others, I'm too anxious. Those are immutable but I try to be present and understanding of everyone. /9

My mother has said my standards are too high, but if you had the past relationships I did, you'd understand why I'm so very wary of dating again. You can give yourself in every way possible and they'll either throw it in your face later or use it as often as it benefits them. /10

Then there's the fact that I'm #demisexual and #demiromantic. In the past, it's always a question of whether or not I care. In my head, I feel like I do everything I can to show it but a surprising number of people REQUIRE I say something to the point of demanding /11

Then, "saying" something is less impactful than doing. If love is really a verb as many have touted, then why do people insist I make it a noun? The repetition of the word in a lot of cases seems to make it lose meaning. That English has only one word for "love" is criminal. /12

In the end, there's a conflict in my brain between being unable to forecast a future and the fear that I'm settling. While there's definitely an acceptable point at which "settling" is the best possible outcome because no one can match another person's ideal. /13

I don't know how it can be so easy for some of the more awful people I've met; I feel I'm cool and it's been a nightmare for the 18 years I've been doing the whole "dating" thing. While I don't always relish being around people, it's nice to have someone around reliably. /14

Maybe I'm putting too much thought in this and I need to go outside and touch grass. Or maybe someone awesome is already in love with me and hadn't told me yet. /15 #Depression #ActuallyAustistic #thread #adhd #datingsucks #aloneforever

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