Thread by @thinkingautism

Hey, parents of autistic kids! Here are five BIG, avoidable mistakes. A thread, at TPGA:

thinkingautismguide.com/2017/04/hey-pa… #autism #autistic #parenting #Neurodiversity #autismAcceptance #AutismAwareness 1/

Parents of autistic children (and adults) get advice thrown at their heads from every angle, all day long. If you’re one of these parents, you may be all done with advice. ALL DONE. And I hear you, because I am you. However... 2/

I have the good fortune to be connected with insightful autistic thinkers on this planet, who have transformed my parenting approach completely, and to the benefit of my son, as well as myself.

So you don’t repeat my mistakes, here are 5 bonks I made & how you can avoid them. 3/

Mistake #1: Focusing on Awareness Instead of Acceptance.

Non-disabled people tend to think of autism & disability as either other people’s problems &/or The Worst Thing That Could Ever Happen. Even progressive media outlets tend to take these stances: medium.com/the-establishm…
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Parents like me are told we need to focus on building autism awareness, which means opening other people’s minds to the concept that autistic people like my son exist. Which would be fine, if awareness also came with the benefits of respect and understanding. 5/

But the problem is that #AutismAwareness lets people think it’s OK say ignorant, harmful things like, “Oh, I heard you can cure autism with a bleach enema,” or “I’m so sorry about your son’s autism epidemic,” or even “Aren’t autistic people all violent psychopaths?” 6/

#AutismAwareness underlies false beliefs that autistic people are all children, or remain children for life. It leads to autism efforts that exclude autistic people. It is why many parents or professionals feel entitled to say “what autism is really like” to …autistic people. 7/

#AutismAwareness doesn’t prevent innocent toy truck-holders like Arnaldo Rios from being mistaken by police for gunmen, nor does it prevent people like his caregiver Charles Kinsey from being shot for comforting an agitated autistic person while Black.
wnycstudios.org/podcasts/after… 8/

Instead of #AutismAwareness, parents need to work on #AutismAcceptance, on helping the whole damn world understand this truth:
Our autistic children have autistic traits that make them autistic, and they are also real human beings with real needs who deserve real respect. 9/

Acceptance means supporting & accommodating our autistic kids without being hellbent on “fixing” them—since “our private thoughts about a person, our disappointment in them or even our wishes for them to get better, shoot out of us like lasers &can change their very insides.” 10/

Acceptance means rejecting the idea that there’s a “normal” child trapped inside your autistic child, for the sake of your child’s health, heart, & soul—as well as your own. It is reasonable to want your child’s life to be easier, & work towards that.
thinkingautismguide.com/2017/01/autism… 11/

#AutismAcceptance also means it's reasonable to work on building skills for better coping with people and situations that are rarely considerate of autistic needs.

But if you have an autistic child, it isn’t realistic or healthy to expect them to not be autistic. 12/

Autism and parenting mistake #2) Obsessing Over “Age-Appropriate” Interests



It should be fine and dandy for autistic people (or anyone!) to like what they like, as long as they’re not hurting anyone.

#Neurodiversity

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Unfortunately, when it comes to autism, interests tend to be viewed through the lens of disability, if not pathology: What might be viewed in a non-autistic person as a passion becomes an “autistic special interest.” 14/

And woe to the autistic person whose passions are seen as only appropriate for younger people! 15/

Parents need to jettison worries about autistic kids’ interests being age-appropriate & focus on what, for your child, is happiness-appropriate. Otherwise, you’ll make your child sad and possibly even miserable, plus you could be destroying opportunities to connect with them. 16/

For many autistic kids & adults, building language skills requires extended observation, absorption, and scripting. Sometimes they need to practice hundreds or thousands of times before feeling comfortable trying new words—and watching familiar videos or scripts can help. 17/

Autism Parenting Mistake #3: Making Everything Therapeutic. Even Fun Things.



I have 100% been guilty of this, of making sure that everything in my son’s life has some sort of therapeutic value, instead of making sure he has space in his life for happiness and fun. 18/

As parents, we need to be really careful to distinguish between “this thing is making my kid be the person I want them to be but they aren’t,” and “this thing is making my kid happy and making it easier to do things that are hard for them.” Let your autistic kids have fun! 19/

Autism parenting mistake #4: Assuming Speaking Is the Only Form of Legitimate Communication



This is an intense one. And one that makes me so sad. 20/

I hear from and read accounts from parents nearly every day, talking about their “non-verbal” kids, about how speech therapy never worked, about how they can’t reach their kids and how it makes those parents so sad.

I’m guessing it makes their kids even sadder. 21/

…especially if their autistic kids have never been given communication options other than oral speech. Everyone communicatea (even if it’s just “no”) when given the right tools to do so, plus many autistic people have motor planning disabilities that impede speaking orally. 22/

So if your autistic child needs communication support, be sure to press hard for alternative communication evaluations and options. If your local resources or school district don’t know where to start, send them to AAC & advocacy websites like @AssistiveWare & @Communica1st. 23/

@AssistiveWare @Communica1st Autism parenting mistake #5: Buying Into the Stereotype That Autistic Kids Aren’t Empathetic or Social.

It is extraordinarily damaging to treat autistic people as emotion-free, antisocial robots.

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@AssistiveWare @Communica1st Instead, try to understand that for an autistic child social cues can be confusing, plus the world is often filled with light, colors, and noises so intense that your child possibly can’t think let alone interact with other people.
thinkingautismguide.com/2019/10/what-i…

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@AssistiveWare @Communica1st #AutismAcceptance includes knowing that an autistic person's inability to handle socialization under stressful circumstances is not the same as a dislike for other people.

(Though, to be fair, as with non-autistic people, some autistic people do prefer their own company.) 26/

@AssistiveWare @Communica1st So: Let your autistic kid know you love them, & are on their side—no matter how badly the rest of the world behaves. Let them know they can always depend on you, that you accept & adore them, & that anyone who doesn’t automatically feel the same way just needs to catch up. 27/27