Thread by @HoarseWisperer

I’m not one of those people who needs to blurt out their minute-by-minute thoughts just because they can’t sleep at 2:33 a.m..

2:34 - this is still true

2:35 - status largely unchanged.

2:36 - I used to like Spam as a kid. Whatever happened to Spam?

2:37 - Ever look up at clouds and picture things?

I always picture drunk clowns fighting because it would be funny to see clowns fight.

2:38 - I almost got bit by a snake once.

2:40 - I don’t know if there is such a thing as too much bacon, but I believe it is my destiny to find out.

2:41 - A friend said I’d LOVE yoga. I told them that was a bit of a stretch.

2:42 - My mom swears I was born right around now. She also swears I was born in the afternoon.

I’m beginning to question if she was there.

2:44 - If I’m going to be up this late, I might as well get a beer.

2:46 - There is a decent chance my son and I are going to play a game tmrw I call “I’m sleeping. Just don’t start a fire, okay.”

2:47 - In my day, kids were allowed to start fires. That’s how kids learned.

2:48 - Now its all “book learnin’”.

Anybody ever learn how to start a fire from a book? Well, technically, yes. That’s not the point.

2:50 - I am boring even myself. I would not fare well on a desert island.

I would have a blast on a dessert island though.

2:52 - I was never all that into hot fudge. I was pretty heavy into butterscotch though.

Butterscotch is what I call beer.

2:53 - Soon I must close my eyes and silently stew about the restful sleep I’m not getting.

Mindless Trumpies are fast asleep picturing monster truck rallies. I hate them for this.

2:55 - I hit ‘post’ on that last one at 2:53 but it posted at 2:54. I’m not obsessive about such things but that’s gonna keep me up.

I’m kidding. I’m already up.

2:58 - What do sheep count when they can’t sleep?

I don’t think we know enough about that.

2:59 - I pledge to fall asleep by 3:00. This is a solemn vow.

3:00 - Reporting back on the plan outlined in my prior tweet, I’m afraid I have some bad news.

3:02 - I’m starting to see the wisdom of late-night infomercials for George Foreman Grills. I wouldn’t mind a grilled cheese.

Alas, no grill. Or cheese.

3:03 - Okay, now I’m seriously going to go sleep. No, I mean it. Seriously.

3:10 - This tweet will assuredly tarnish my credibility.

3:14 - If I don’t set an alarm, I will sleep for the next 36 hours.

If I do set an alarm, I will still be awake when it goes off.

Such is the nature of alarms.

3:15 - remember that Cher song “If I Could Turn Back Time”?

Now it’ll be stuck in your head. If I can’t sleep, no one sleeps.

3:20 - My clock and phone are off by 22 seconds. I may have to get a new phone.

3:21 - I would hold up a convenience store for a pork roll, egg and cheese sandwich right about now.

Or maybe a diner. That would make more sense.

3:23 - When my son was a toddler, I once called a cab and had him go to the convenience store for me at 3 in the morning.

3:24 - Hey, I couldn’t leave the house and it’s not like the Pringles were just gonna walk.

3:30 - For you poor heathens who apparently grew up on some kind of porkless commune, this is a pork roll, egg and cheese.

You’re life has been barren in its absence.

3:32 - I am now absolutely getting a pork roll, egg and cheese before getting my son in a few hours.

My life now has meaning and purpose.

3:34 - I’m not going to lie. I am now entirely consumed by the thought of a breakfast sandwich.

It is as if all of my life was mere preparation for this one sandwich.

3:36 - What if I’m building it up too much and then it’s just disappointing?

I’m kidding again. Pork roll never disappoints. It’s like marriage... except for the “never disappoints” part.

3:37 - Now, now, that was just a joke.

Marriage is a wonderful institution... and I think it’s beautiful when two people decide to get institutionalized together.

3:40 - side question: why do atheists get married?

I mean, they’ve already beaten the whole “living in sin” rap.

3:46 - it’s really not important how long I’ve been tweeting for.

It’s been 73 minutes.

3:48 - I just set my alarm for two minutes from now.

That way I can feel like I just woke up.

3:49 - not my first rodeo, kids.

Yet, ironically, if I ever do go to a rodeo, it will be my first.

3:50 - Okay, 4:00 a.m. is definitely the cutoff. No, I mean it. Three hours of sleep... and then porktopia.

3:55 - I could just go to the diner now.

The ol’ “get a jump on the day” thing.

I fear this would seem less shrewd post-pork roll... but maybe a second pork roll would help.

Plus, diner coffee.

3:57 - I’m just gonna leave this as a cliffhanger.

Sleep or delicious cured meats.

How will this night/morning end?

This will be my last transmission.

The postscript...

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