Thread by @senorjoey

I said once, "yang bisa bikin aku nangis cuma kalo inget Bapakku", and I mean it. Tears are about to drop whenever I remember about him, even if I'm actually in a happy situation or together w/ friends.. It depends on my ability whether I can hold it or not..

Then I just realize, "no, my dad is not the only trigger".. Tears drop from my eyes because oc he is my biggest loss.. I broke into pieces by the time I realize that he will never be with me again..

Then I realize who's my 2nd biggest loss, my lovely aunt, my 2nd mama..

Yesterday, my cousin post this photo, a picture of her mom in her healthy condition.. My aunt, her name is Linda..

I mention that she's my 2nd mom, not only bcs she is my aunt, but also bcs I learn so many things from her.. How to smile through pain, how to face our barrier, etc

She is the best chef in my big family, her hand is magical.

She lost her 1st son, my special needs brother, in 2005, she never recover ever since.

Her husband cheat on her, that bastard guy whom I really wanna punch in the face.

She held her family 'til her last breath.

Just tonight, my cousin update some of picword that express her loss.

It's 3 years ago and the pain remains the same.

For those who have experiences in losing important people in their life will know, time won't heal. Never.

[1] My aunt was a smoker, a heavy one. She has no fear at all. She was a rockstar, whom also one of the most caring person in my life.

My cousin is extremely smart, she is a badass. And I believe that this is God puts the show for my aunt. She is very proud of her daughter. 😊

[2] My cousin retell the conversation between my mom and my aunt. Guess what, my mom is lying there. She is in the place to comfort her sister. My mother always do that, except with me. With me, my mom will always tell the truth, truth that makes me saying, "time won't heal". (c)

[2] (c) And my aunt miss her 1st son so much. Her 1st son was a special need person, but it doesn't make her hate him even for a bit. One day, my aunt came to my house to meet my mom only for crying. Crying, bcs her son leave her 1st. Unimaginable pain for a mom, I believe. (c)

[2] Then my mom comfy her, the way I comfy my mom whenever she's crying over my dead father. My super aunt is still human, whom also can feel all the pain that life offer.

Me? I'm fine. I can comfy myself. 😊

[3] I did tell you that my aunt was so proud of her daughter, right? This is one of my cousin's memory. My aunt is merely a high school graduate. She didn't have a full time job, leave alone a job that provides her constant salary. But she never give up. (c)

[3] (c) I often met her in the bus station, the place when she sold drink for years. Me? I'm so proud of wht she did for her family. I remember proudly told my friend, "itu tante gw loh" in that bus station, just to show an example of a person with no "give up" in her dictionary.

[4] My cousin shared her conv about leaving her cheating father. Despite all cruelty that happened in life, my bastard uncle still find a way to cheat. Read my aunt's reaction: she doesn't want her children to choose side. My cousin and her younger brother are ready to go. (c)

[4] But my aunt said no. My mom also suggest her to leave that shitty man but she also say no. She loved her children so much by making them not hating their father. She showed that love is bigger than hate. She showed that she wins over her cheating husband.

And I'm proud.

[5] Last picword of my cousin, the final time she had with her mom. I wasn't there, I was in Bogor at that time. My mom called me and crying, "Putra, tantemu mendadak parah. Gimana ini Put, gimana". My mom was in another hospital, having her post-surgery appointment with doctor.

[5] I did tell you that I shud be the one who calm, right? My mind was creating the worst case scenario but my mouth said words that filled with comforting vibes.

10 minutes later, my sister called me telling that my aunt's gone. She and my mom was still on the way, too late.

[5] That moment, I knew that this is my 2nd biggest lost in life: losing an aunt whom also my 2nd mom.

I remember what my father told me when I was crying, "Putra, nangis lagi? Diam, Bapak gak suka anak Bapak pake nangis-nangis".

So, my grief's always quiet, including this one.

Let me tell you my one happy moment with my aunt, that she loveddddd my ex. Hahahahaa

We are still dating at that time and she will always ask, "mana sih Put dia? Bawalah ke rumah, Tante mau ketemu." I smiled, and teasing back my aunt saying, "apasih Taaan", and we laugh.

She loved her until she can say, "pokoknya kalau kamu punya saingan, bilang sama Tate, biar Tate yang hajar itu si cowoknya," said my funky aunt.

Oiya, Tate is how we (me and my bro-sis) call our aunt from our mother. So her nickname is Tate Naek or Tate Kalideres.

My beautiful aunt.

My 2nd mother.

Last picture I wanna share: my cousin's graduation. We came into my aunt's place and she cried there. It's a great deal of pain and she needs to stay insane in all messiness that happened in life.

We all need to do that, stay insane.

I told her that time won't heal. Time will never heal and the trauma will always there. The pain will remain there. The loss will forever be a loss. Unimaginable pain.

Then, it's up to us, whether we wanna screw things up or we wanna do good, better things in our life.

Me? I'll choose the second option.

Why? Because then I can have my moment. My moment to imagine the person that leave me earlier smile from me. I can picture my dad smile from above, and I told my cousin that she can do the same, by doing things that will make my aunt proud.

To close my biggest 2nd loss story, which FEAR that you will choose?

Night.

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