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Ben @midnitetease
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Friday the 13th Part 33D. That doesn't refer to what you think it does. Because I intentionally mistyped it for the joke. It's Part 3: 3D.


This movie did almost as well as the first at the box office, and unseated E.T. The Extraterrestrial for #1.

So it's great, right?
Starting at 30 seconds in and for the next 5 1/2 minutes, we get a recap of the end of the last movie. Ugh. Not again.

Wait. They changed a few bits. I think there's some additional lines from Mrs. Voorhees, and they show Jason get back up. (remember, ending was ambiguous)
And then the credits explode out of the screen, using typical 3D lettering.

Oh, no.
Pole pointed at the screen.

Oooh, nooo.
Literally a direct sequel. The events on the screen are "later the same day". And we're at the Crystal Lake...remote fresh vegetables store? Package store?

I guess just an old private convenience store, like they had back in the dinosaur times.
Jason, fully clothed, steals a shirt and pants.

Why? He hasn't changed clothes in years. There was no closet in his little shack.
Pointless comedy is a thing that was missing from Friday the 13th movies up to this point.
Fart and diarrhea jokes.

Oooooh, nooooo.
Oh, and I forgot to mention the 3D SNAKE STRIKE!!!
3D rat kind of running at the screen, maybe a bit.
Baseball bat at the screen.

Yawwwn. We already did a pole.
This entire segment was 9 minutes of forced comedy and 3D effects. The husband and wife shopkeepers are dead. Man was killed with 1/2" of cleaver stuck in his breast bone (painful, but not fatal) and the wife had...something stuck through her head. I think a knitting needle.
Gah! The 80's! They just exploded all over the screen!

That makeup! That fashion!

That van...well, that's more 70's really.
Awkward fat kid! I think these are all not-teens...
One guy and one girl immediately start making out.

They will die.

Awkward fat kids. They usually die. I suspect the female driver Chris/Kris/Ruth may be the final girl this time.
What happened to me at the lake? OH NO! New backstory will be introduced!
The fat kid is self-conscious about being fat and ugly. This ain't the new millennium.
I'm sorry, but I absolutely do not believe that girl is hispanic or latinx in any way.
A Cheech and Chong reference? Is that where we are, now?
Not a reference. Just recreating a Cheech and Chong routine.

New loony holds a fake eyeball up to the screen. <drink>
And let's be clear: the purpose of that scene was to have that 3D effect.
We are in Higgins Haven. Not Camp Crystal Lake.
OK, was that the first ever use of the Jason sounds when it was clearly not Jason being partially shown?

It is possible to over-use signature sounds, ya know.
It's not Jason (duh). It's Chris's 40-year-old boyfriend/ex-lover/brother/dad. Chris, who had something happen to her at the lake.

Maybe even this one.

Probably this one.
OMG the acting in this movie.

The dialogue.

The script.
How could this have possibly cost more to make than the first one?
A racist joke!
Stupid 3D tricks!
Now that IS Jason. He's in the barn. How these people are missing him is beyond me.

Remember, he's just a guy. A guy with some really bad gashes from a machete.
Jason shined his shoes at some point.
No he didn't. It's the motorcycle gang from a few minutes ago.
I wanna see Jason kill the motorcycle gang.
She has an "old barn" fetish. That's why she went in there why the motorcycle gang was getting even by stealing gas.
This movie is SO AWFUL.
Oh, COME ON. You could have AT LEAST gone to the expense of making the pitchfork TINES 3D, instead of pointing ANOTHER DAMN POLE at the screen.
Motorcycle gang is dead. That's 5 deaths so far.
Juggling in 3D.

OMG she just had to stop herself from rolling her eyes at the camera.

So glad they left that in.
Oh, and the self-conscious fat kid just caller her a bitch for not putting out after the 5 minutes they've spent talking to each other.

Ah, the 80's.
I want Vera to be the final girl, but:

A) She's "technically a minority" in a period where all non-whites were usually killed.

B) Chris "had something happen to her" that we don't know about yet.

Tragic past always wins.
Chris was kidnapped by Jason, blacked out while he was dragging her through the woods, then woke up in her bed. Her parents pretended it didn't happen. That's a pretty big gap to pretend didn't happen. Either she was in her bed or she was in the woods.
I don't even know the two pot-smokers names. I'm not sure they were actually ever introduced.
Nobody in this movie wipes their butt when they get off the toilet. Not even the guy who had diarrhea earlier.
Jaws ripoff for the second time in two movies.
So all the clothes and gags and masks and spearguns that Shelly keeps showing up with...all that was in that little box Shelly carries around that he won't let anyone look in?
Speargun to the eye. Great kill. Bad special 3D effect. Bad makeup effect. And it just kind of...happened. I think they edited some things out of order.
So if there's a bathroom in the house...why did the pot-smoker use the outhouse?
A little over an hour in we get our first topless female. Big change from the last movie.
Now that was a good kill. That's 7 confirmed dead, one assumed dead (Shelly), 2 MIAs (the potsmokers) and 2 presumed alive (Chris and Rick).
Fangoria issue with a Tom Savini interview. Nice.
A kill in a hammock should have been better than that. Although what's his face tied in a knot in the rafters was fantastic.
3D popcorn.

Why that and not something kill related? Was there a law?

Seriously, was there? I don't know.
Soooo...Shelly has been wandering around with his throat cut for the past...

...9 minutes of screen time, more in real life. Like I said, pretty sure Vera was supposed to be killed later, rather than when she was. Wonder why they re-arranged it.
That was a great kill, but such a cheesy scene. The pretend running, chanting Oh My god, the door blowing open scaring her to turn around, then the red-hot poker.
Oh My God that was TERRIBLE!!!!

The head squeeze kill! That was SOOOO AWFUL!!!!!!

So awful it's GREAT!!!!!
They even did a "boing!" sound effect when the eye popped out!

Oh, well. It's gratifying they knew EXACTLY what they were making.
It's like she's playing whack-a-mole. Door blows open. secure it. window blows open. secure it. door blows open again. secure it and block it. another windows blows open.

It's just comedy. And too long.
Nice one. Use the hockey mask. It's certainly no disguise.
Something that works: the first thing you seem when Jason is chasing someone is the hockey mask looming out of the dark.
Love how Jason bars the barn door after he chases Chris in.

"I have had ENOUGH of this running shit! And my leg is killing me!"
Lifts the mask to show Chris it's him. "Remember me?" Then puts the mask back on. All while hanging by the neck.

That's just dumb.
And it ends where it began: with a 3D effect pole pointing at the audience.

Canoe that was on the van at the beginning of the movie. Has played no role in the movie at all. Was not in the water right there earlier.

Is now there so we can re-create and invert the original ending scene.
Mrs. Voorhees, head re-attached, leaps out of the lake and drags Chris into the water.
And the closing segment was all a dream again. Jason is shown lying motionless where he was struck down by Chris's axe.
Is the boiling the idea down to its basics? There are some good kills, although the effects are lacking in many places. The writing is bad, and very little attention is paid to editing and structure.
The only thing that keeps this movie from being graded as absolutely awful by me is that it introduces the hockey mask and uses it *mostly* effectively, and there are a couple of good kills. But the rest of the movie just isn't worth it.
I think the screwy editing and the obvious "we really didn't care about what we were doing" quality is what kills it. And you don't NEED to know that Jason picked the hockey mask off of some nerdy fat guy who didn't even have a good reason to have it himself.
The point being, as I think we all agree, Jason looks a lot better in the hockey mask than a hood or bag.
I forgot to grade Part 2. I have a hard time giving it a full 2/5, as I really want to dock it for the huge drop in quality from the original. But since Part 3 really needs to be a 1/5 at this point, Part 2 gets a 2/5.
So, yeah. Friday the 13th Part 3: 3D gets a 1 out 5 rating. It goes all out for 3D gimmick shots, but then does almost nothing interesting with them. The final chase is the only part with any merit. The rest of the movie is so poorly prepared, executed, and finish.
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