Thread by @JuliusGoat

I hope everyone in this liquor store can understand I am robbing it as a son, husband, and dad.

As I explained before, a good robber must be neutral and impartial arbiter who favors no particular party store, corner grocery or gas station.

Robbers do not make decisions to rob based on a preferred victim. Robbers make decisions because the security camera is broken and the bank deposit hasn't been made over the weekend.

I do not decide to case a joint based on personal or policy preferences. I am not a pro-customer or pro-work robber. I am not a pro-small or large denomination robber. I am a pro put-the-money-in-the-bag robber.

I was very emotional last Thursday, more so than I have ever been. I might have been too emotional at times. I know that my tone was sharp, and I said a few things I should not have said, and shot some folks I should not have shot. I'm sorry.

Wallets in the bag please.

I hope everyone can understand that I am holding this pump-action sawed-off shotgun as a son, husband and dad. I'm robbing you with five people foremost in my mind: my mom, my dad, my wife, and most of my daughters.

Watches, too motherfuckers. Don't eyeball me.

Going forward, you can count on me to be the same kind of thief and person I have been for my entire 28-year illegal career: hardworking, even-keeled, open-minded, independent and dedicated to snatching the entire goddam register or I promise you I'll leave a body today.

As a robber, I've always treated cashiers and tellers with the utmost respect. I've been known for my courtesy w/ ski mask on or off. I have not changed. I will continue to be the same kind of robber I have been for the last 12 years.

Now everyone get in the back and lay down.

Every day I'll try to be the best husband, dad—and armed robber—I can be. I'll remain optimistic, continuing to see the day that's coming, not the day that's gone. This heist, not the failed ones.

Count to 1000 and don't look up until then or you wear your ass for a hat.

Peace.