Thread by @LevParikian

A source close to our cat has confirmed that the cat intends to reject the food currently on offer in the bowl, even though it originally indicated it wanted ‘food’.

‘This isn’t the food the cat asked for, or if it is, it’s suddenly disgusting for some reason,’ said a spokescat. ‘The cat will continue to hold entirely unrealistic and unpredictable expectations for food, based on its own, purely arbitrary definition of ‘food’.’

The cat itself looked ashen and tight-lipped.
‘Food means food,’ it said. ‘I have no further comment.’
Sources said they expected the cat to be rubbing up against your leg and mewing in a pathetically annoying way in the near future.

A dog commented, ‘This is typical cat behaviour. They had no idea what kind of food they wanted, had no plan for food, and now they can’t make up their mind what food they want, and all they can say is we’re ignoring ‘the will of the cat’.’

‘Personally,’ continued the dog, ‘I don’t mind what kind of food I get, as long as you just get on with it and give it to me. Hello I love you will you be my friend ooh a stick, bye!’

A spokesman for the humans responsible for the cat has confirmed that they will be voting on four amendments to the Cat Feeding Agreement this evening, with the possibility that they will be withdrawing from the agreement entirely and leaving the cat to fend for itself.

UPDATE: The amendment ‘Try him with half a pouch of Ocean Fillets and Whole Shrimp’ has been defeated by two votes to one.

No further amendments will be tabled tonight.

The cat has tabled a mouse.

UPDATE: The 'Let me in' amendment has passed.

In an astonishing u-turn, the cat has revoked its stated intention not to eat the food, unilaterally decided to eat the food, and is now eating the food, while somehow subtly conveying that it meant to eat the food all along. More as it comes in.

THE CAT HAS CHUCKED UP THE FOOD. CAT/HUMAN RELATIONS AT AN ALL-TIME LOW.

The cat will make a statement on the food crisis at 9am.

’There are people who wish to undermine the whole idea of food. I will not cave in to their demands, but am committed to getting the best kind of food, even if that turns out to mean no food at all. Unfortunately the kinds of food on offer so far have not met my expectations.'

'I have explained many times, and will continue to explain with a series of perfectly clear yowls and mews and leg-rubbing, what my expectations are. I want food. Not that one. Not that one either. Nor that one. Right, I’m off to sit by the cat flap for no discernible reason.'

UPDATE
The cat has said it is prepared to:
– eat the food
– not vomit on the kitchen floor
– stop walking between our legs as we go downstairs
– not pester us about food ever again

All we have to do is tickle its tummy just there no left a bit ooh yes that’s it yeaaaahhhh.