Thread by @itsjustira

Hey all it is apparently time for your local polyqueer to yell about nonmonogamy! The "monogamish" letter in this Prudence chat is nonmonog practiced very badly, but not for the reasons the columnist says, & it perpetuates harmful ideas about the practice slate.com/human-interest…

"Don't catch feels" is a silly and harmful nonmonogamy rule for a lot of reasons (such as kind of going against human nature), but the BIG one is that it centers the "violation," as Danny (Dear Prudence) put it, in entirely the wrong place.

If I were the sort of LW who was naive enough about nonmonogamy to make these rules and then write this letter and I read Danny's advice, I would think the "violation" and "pattern of behaviour" was falling in love with someone else. Again, not the real problem here!

The issue is, when people realize they've crossed a boundary -- when the bad thing already happened -- they tend to lose sight of their CONTINUING AGENCY in the situation. Whoops, the feelings happened! Here they are! The situation is now entirely out of my control!

This happens in other forms of bad nonmonogamy a lot, like cheating. People fall into this whole linguistic pattern that signals "it just happened" and removes individual agency.

"We kissed" instead of "I kissed them"

"Things got physical" instead of "I chose to go further"

This thinking & language locates the violation outside yourself and in the past. But when the rule is "don't fall in love" it ends up leading to this same nonsense. Feeling develop. It happens, we're human. But when the sin is the FEELING rather than your CONTINUING ACTIONS--

--then it's SO easy to just feel guilty about already having done the bad thing instead of focusing on honesty, self-awareness, & communication. It's so easy to MISIDENTIFY the bad thing and decide it's out of your control. Because the rules said! It's the feelings that are bad!

It displaces the guilt from the PREVENTABLE actions to something that feels sweeping and beyond your control, so once you're in love it's like everything is out of your hands.

"I kissed them" or "He's making plans to relocate for me" -- that's the preventable shit.

For this LW, there MUST have been a point before "he wants to relocate for me" where with a little honesty and awareness they could have gone "oh jeez this has definitely gone farther than Husband would be comfortable with; we should talk!"

Even if the eventual outcome or even eventual GOAL would always have been "divorce husband, date new guy," the time to communicate was earlier. But shitty "no feelings" rules make people guilty and scared to speak up. Rules like that STYMIE honesty and communication.

DADT is bad, but I think the "no feelings" rule is worse. It's more than something for experienced nonmonogs to tut at. It's actively harmful not just to newbies when first forming rules for opening up (like this LW), but to the perception and practice of nonmonogamy in general.

And when discussing badly done nonmonogamy I think it's incumbent on everyone to be CRYSTAL CLEAR on what the actual problem is. Feeding cultural narratives of feelings being the bad guy that absolve everyone of any agency is damaging for both monogamous & nonmonog relationships.

We can't choose how to feel, but we ALL choose how to treat our partners.

Good rules for nonmonogamy are all about keeping the focus where it belongs.

Because doing nonmonogamy WILL laser in on any existing anxieties, issues, or fissures. There's a reason the guip goes "Relationship not working; add more people."

Shaming people about emotions is the LAST thing you want to do in nonmonogamy.

It's not just about catching feelings due to sex or dating behaviour. Humans are feelings-making MACHINES. FEELINGS WILL HAPPEN. If not necessary FOR other people then inside yourself or your partner.

Applies even if you don't have a primary partner! Making yourself the kind of vulnerable that is necessary for being involved with multiple people is HIGHLY likely to stir up any anxieties or insecurities you have just by your lonesome.

Good nonmonogamy rules identify the SOURCES of these anxieties and try to address those, rather than trying to control emotions via "no feelings" rules or even indirect versions like "no kissing."

That's trying to treat the symptoms instead of the actual problem.

What do you actually NEED from your relationships? From THIS relationship? What does your partner need? Are you anxious about someone being "better"? What makes you feel secure? A good start for nonmonogamy rules is setting boundaries WITH YOURSELF.

By which I mean: you have to know YOURSELF and what you are and aren't comfortable with. Instead of trying to control other people's feelings or behaviours (spoiler: you can't), have a sit with yourself and figure out what works FOR YOU.

Identify what you need. Give your partner space and time to identify what they need. Have a talk and see if these are compatible. Do you both need to feel like the most important person in each other's lives? Does one of you feel like they need a sense of freedom?

What makes you feel loved?

You GOTTA know this shit about yourself. And you gotta be able to talk about this without nonsense like "don't fall in love" getting in the way. And I'm gonna tell ya, figuring this stuff out ABOUT YOURSELF early on makes it WAY easier to identify catching feels later in the game

And I mean DADT is poison here, because people might mean "I don't want to hear about the sex you have with other people" (this is actually fine) but what happens is "I don't want to hear about you having feelings"

And I'm talking to monogamous people here too! This is some GOOD SHIT to have DOWN no matter what kind of relationship you have or how you identify. Know thyself, man.

There aren't one-size-fits-all rules to nonmonogamy (except "practice safer sex"). But I'm telling you, we all GOTTA stop with shaming people for having feelings, either for other people or about our own anxieties and relationships.

Practice self-knowledge and self-love. Know what makes you and your partner feel loved. Acknowledge anxieties and address the sources. Don't try to control each other.

Okay I am apparently ranted out; hope y'all had a good time.