Thread by @trengriffin

1/ A startup CFO goes into a bar and sits down.

Bartender: "What'll it be?"

CFO: "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make em doubles."

The bartender served the whiskey and watched the CFO drink the shots one after the other, almost as quickly as they were served.

2/ Bartender: "Why are you doing all this drinking."

CFO: "You'd drink these whiskey shots this fast too if you had what I have."

Bartender: "What do you have?"

CFO: "I have a some highly underwater stock options, a pitch deck and one dollar."

3/ Father Flannigan was waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him was a startup founder. Saint Peter said to the founder: "Take this silk robe and gold staff and enter."

Saint Peter then said to Father Flannigan: "Take this cotton robe and wood staff and enter."

Father Flannigan: "Just a minute! That was a startup founder -- they receive a silk robe and gold staff but I only get a cotton robe and wood staff? How can this be?"

Saint Peter: "We make assignments based on results. While you preached, people slept. Startup investors pray."

5/ An angel recently escorted Einstein to an upgraded room in heaven where he met his three new roommates: The Angel said “Your roommates all worked in the finance industry. Mary has an IQ of 180!” “That’s wonderful!” exclaimed Einstein, "We can discuss statistical arbitrage!"

6/ "The Angel then said: “This is Bob. His IQ is 150!” “That's wonderful,” responded Einstein, “We can discuss how to select index funds!” The angel then said: “This is Sam. His IQ is 100!” “That’s wonderful!” said Einstein. "Where do you think interest rates are headed?”