Thread by @JewhadiTM

Gun Control, Knife Control, and Glass Control frontpagemag.com/fpm/2019/10/gu…

“Historically, we needed a point on the end of our knife to pick up food because forks weren’t invented," a letter from the Church of England in the Diocese of Rochester reads.

Knives with points on them it explains are no longer needed in this modern fork-filled era.

"Research demonstrates kitchen knives are used in a large percentage of homicides due to their availability and lethal nature," it warns.

A University of London researcher explained that pointed knives are obsolete and we don’t need them. Like straws, plastic bags and cars. Not to mention single family homes, trains, cows and freedom.

Once knives with points on them are banned, then the United Kingdom will finally be safe. Unless someone figures out how to somehow put a point on the new round-ended stab-proof knives.

Kitchen knives are being banned in the UK under the Offensive Weapons Act 2019. The OWA reads like a parody. It authorizes stop and frisk for corrosive substances in a futile bid to prevent acid attacks.

It bans the sale of kitchen knives, bread knives, garden shears, carpenter’s adzes and, scissors to anyone under 18. You can no longer order kitchen knives delivered to your home and many major UK retailers, like Tesco, no longer carry knives.

A shopper went into a store, browsed the kitchen aisle, asked for knives and was told that they no longer sell any knives, including fork, spoon and knife cutlery sets.

Assuming that the UK does manage to eliminate all knives and convince the populace to eat all their food with sporks, there are rising numbers of murders being committed with broken bottles.

Or, as a UK government report describes them, “glass offenses”.

Knife control is working so well that UK thugs are turning to “glassing” which is exactly what it sounds like. Jabbing a broken bottle or glass into someone’s face or body.

The @Independent:

"Hospital episode statistics point to assaults using sharp instrument – usually glass – causing 5,000 serious, life-changing, injuries each and every year.”

“That means every single week one hundred young adults totally unable to pick up the pieces of their shattered lives because a glass container, first reliably created in the 4th century AD, has shattered or been shattered."

The solution is banning glass.

"Once glass has been accepted as a 'criminogenic material', alternatives to fragile glass need promotion. Such a vexed question: toughened glass? tempered glass? shatterproof glass? plastic glass," it ponders.

4th century glass is outdated anyway. Meanwhile UK’s Home Office is funding research into “glass innovation” because clearly the problem here is the glass, not the thugs.

The future British kitchen won’t have knives or glassware. Or forks, another historical relic. And probably not chopsticks either. In the progressive future, everyone will eat their food with their hands.

Sarah Hainsworth, the Pro-Vice-Chancellor of the School of Engineering and Applied Science at Aston University explained that kitchen knives are dangerous because of their "length and point".

This is exactly the sort of breathtaking insight that requires the services of the "first female Executive Dean of School of Engineering and Applied Sciences".

The UK’s war on knives and glassware isn’t an intentional parody. It’s what happens when a society completely misses the point. You miss the point by starting with gun control, then trying to ban every object which one person can use to harm another. And that’s every object.

In our past, murder was seen as a moral disease, not a regulatory loophole.

There is something wrong with a society in which mass shootings happen. There’s also something wrong with a society in which acid attacks and glassings happen. The bans don’t address the problem.

But we don’t believe in evil anymore. And so we summon the shamans of applied sciences to tell us how we can make our knives pointed so that the evil spirits of knife crime will no longer trouble London.