Thread by @bobhamp

1/23 I remember the first time I saw a church leader devastate his congregation and then sneak off into oblivion only to re-surface and start some new work. Instinctively I knew something wasn’t right while I heard others celebrate the “Grace of God…” in this “new beginning”

2/23 Abuse is an invisible dynamic with a range of visible behaviors. The focus on visible behaviors only, allows abusers to take advantage of good well-meaning people and continue to abuse with the support of these “well-meaning” people.

3/23 Abuse is always a bait and switch dynamic. Words and actual actions are incongruent, but the goal is that, on the average, people will respond to the words only and will not notice the underlying dynamic
This allows abuse to continue and be supported by well-meaning people

4/23 This also allows abusers to build new platforms and gain support without ever having to deal with the abuse of the past.
People want to trust words, and their desire to see the good will make it likely that they will miss the hidden dynamics

5/23 Thesis: The key dynamic of abuse is the inappropriate assignment of responsibility. This is far more devastating and insidious than it may sound at first.
First the victim is made responsible to carry the anger, control, or sexual impulse of their abuser, so abuse begins.

6/23 Second, the victim is then blamed for the “incidents” and made “responsible” for the choices and behavior of the abuser. “I wonder what their part was...?” Implication: they are responsible for what happened

7/23 Third, they are made responsible for the reputation of the abuser, as both the abuser and others deceived by the abuser accuse the victim of ruining the persons reputation, instead of recognizing that the abuser has a problem that needs to be addressed.

8/23 If you look below the words you will see that the dynamic of abuse is continued and maintained even during part of an abuse cycle where pseudo-repentance is taking place.
Pseudo-repentance is a change in presentation without a change in dynamic.

9/23 Pseudo-repentance is making the presentation of “change” while using the presentation to gain sympathy, influence, or increased power (power being one of the elements of abuse…). This is a part of an ongoing cycle. It IS NOT real change.

10/23 Pseudo-repentance avoids empathy & true responsibility taking, using words of apology from a position of non-responsibility. Result: the victim is still blamed covertly. Onlookers will easily miss this subtle dynamic, especially when motivated to believe the abusive person

11/23 The key dynamic is that the abuser avoids responsibility, while simultaneously making others (the victim, primarily, but then the onlookers who want to trust, secondarily…) other people take the responsibility for making the abuser’s life acceptable in their sight.

12/23 When we begin to see this, we will see that an abusive leader who starts any new work where they take the platform is not simply being insensitive, they are actually re-producing the very dynamics of the abuse.

13/23 Dynamics of abuse that are reproduced when an abusive person begins a new work (Platform)

An abuser lets the victim carry the emotional weight of their abusive behavior
When they start a new (platform) they once again make the victim carry the weight of their misbehavior

14/23 Dynamics of abuse that are reproduced when an abusive person begins a new work. (Platform)

An abuser refuses to consider the perspective of their victim as valid, assumes their definition of “what happened” is the one that everyone should validate.

15/23 Dynamics of abuse that are reproduced when an abusive person begins a new work. (Platform)

An abuser enlists the support of outside observers by misrepresenting the issue, or even the victim.

Platform building is inherently enlisting support

16/23 Building a platform is enlisting all new supporters, & either ignoring or misrepresenting the issues of the past. If the issues come up, they will minimize or mis-represent what happened
They may even “Glorify” what happened by de-crying it as an example of God’s grace

17/23 Dynamics of abuse that are reproduced when an abusive person begins a new work:
An abuser makes their desires more important than the well-being of victim(s)
starting a new work implies “I don’t care how this effects those I've harmed, my work matters more than their pain”

18/23 Dynamics of abuse that are reproduced when an abusive person begins a new work. (Platform)
An abuser often misuses the concept of “forgiveness” to justify an ongoing position of power over their victim.

19/23When an abuser starts a new work building on “the past is the past, anyone who can’t move on is just unforgiving” they use “spiritual” ideas to gain & maintain a position of power negating anyone else’s experience Implication: You're unforgiving if you have a problem with me

20/23 Forgiveness is not the correct solution to an ongoing pattern of harmful behavior. Boundaries and consequences are the solution when the behavior is ongoing.
Seeing this as an ongoing pattern is crucial to actually resolving it.

21/23 Dynamics of abuse that are reproduced when an abusive person begins a new work. (Platform)

A “position of power” is a central part of the abuse dynamic. The abuser seeks out a new position of power, with no consideration for those they exercised power over and did harm

22/23 Dynamics of abuse that are reproduced when an abusive person begins a new work. (Platform)

Starting something new without empathy & taking responsibility for harm done (the victims would be the determining vote in this) is a macro level form of the abuse cycle.

23/23 Imagine this scenario.
A proven child molester who tells everyone they have changed, but has done nothing to right the wrongs of the past, wants to start a day-care and is offering your children free day-care
How would you feel about the following statements:

24 (bonus tweet)
“As Christians we should just forgive"
“People made too big a deal out of their previous molestation & just won’t let go.”
“I think they've had time to consider their mistake”
“You're just trying to ruin his reputation by pointing out what happened in the past”