8 years ago I fell deeply in love with a man I could really trust. What I loved most about him was he was not masculine. He lived outside gender norms, and was irresistibly attractive to me. When he went to a “therapist” who told him he was trans, I was torn.
I wanted him to be happy, but I knew there was nothing wrong with his body. He convinced me to be supportive and I learned to accept the situation, and resolved to help others do the same. I read dozens of books about it from the trans perspective, trying hard to understand,
but I really never could. It seemed all trans had different reasons and viewpoints. The only consistent was the absolute NEED for acceptance and support. I found out an activist I deeply respect opposed trans ideology, and immediately started to defend my partner.
I inquired and asked the activist’s community to educate me about their perspective. By that time I had made up my mind to support trans people, and I was ready to fight. They tried to help me see the problems & danger of trans (or any ideology) being written into law,
or demanding rights at the expense of others. I persisted, and kept trying to get it, but it was honestly very hard to grasp. I knew a trans person who was not harmful at all! Surely some of them deserved protection! Most who chimed in to the discussion were very curt,
and I felt condescended, which turned me off for a while. I was sincerely trying, but I was indoctrinated by the trans cult, if weakly, and needed to be taught. I would have responded better, as I think most people would, to a softer explanation than, “You’re being stupid. Bye.”
My online battles led to book recommendations, The End of Patriarchy, Gender Hurts, Sexual Politics, and that RadFem literature is what flipped me. I was genuinely afraid to order them; that he would see them around and be hurt or mad I was questioning his identity.
My need for understanding prevailed. By the end of the first one of those books I had been fully awakened. Sex real. Gender socially constructed. (Duh...) Now everything made sense. There was nothing inconsistent or unclear about any of the feminist analysis.
It blew my mind that it was so simple and yet it took me 2 or 3 years to find the way. Im thankful for the whole experience because it has brought me to radical feminism and given me the knowledge and language to recognize and name my oppression.
My husband is smart. I thought he would understand. I explained to him how trans ideology hurts women, but it never got through, because he’s male. Most males will not see, let alone understand how trans people can possibly be harming women just by existing.
They don’t live with the limitations women do. At this point I don’t try to talk with him about it anymore, it’s useless, but at least we both know where I stand. I have lost my magnetic attraction to him as he no longer reflects what I’m into. He took hormones for a few years
and it changed his body and set his mind. I still love him, and I don’t think I would be happier divorced. I’m back to calling him “he,” which was scary at first, but I wasn’t going to keep lying and saying “she.” I think he’s off hormones now, mercifully,
but probably only because we don’t have insurance to pay for them anymore. The worst times are when he flies a gay flag and purports to be lesbian. I refuse to call myself lesbian, because it’s not true, however much I may wish it was. He’s still male,
but I am no longer strongly sexually attracted to him. He’s not sexual at all, ever, and he never really has been, since I’ve known him, so it works out fine for him. I started a Facebook group for wives of trans people who are suffering from the circumstances.
It’s simply called “Wives of Trans Support Group” if you know anyone who needs it. I looked for such a group lots of times and never could find one. Now I’m that feminist who can hardly tolerate the ignorance of people who fall for this shit, but I realize it doesn’t help them.
I need to stop fearing the reactions of the opposition to expressing my truth. I’m tired of living in silence. I have just as much of a right as they do to be outspoken about what I feel is right, and about what I’m going through.
When they react strongly, I need to remain strong myself instead of allowing their volume and force to bully me back to quiet. I think it’s important to meet people where they are, and gently guide them to their peak.
Peak is different for everybody, and the clues to each person’s is in their arguments. The discussion is so important and needs to happen every time. Unfurl their arguments for them and if there’s hope, they will see the contradictions.
