1/10
Last night I dreamt that the shoppers in Westfield Stratford were being held hostage by disgruntled former soldier @JohnnyMercerUK who was annoyed that no honours had been conferred on the men in his black ops unit who died behind enemy lines during the Airbus wars.
Last night I dreamt that the shoppers in Westfield Stratford were being held hostage by disgruntled former soldier @JohnnyMercerUK who was annoyed that no honours had been conferred on the men in his black ops unit who died behind enemy lines during the Airbus wars.
2/10
He had taken 100 hostages inside Frankie and Bennies in Westfield Stratford, under the cover of 36 trident warheads that he had stolen from @jeremycorbyn's allotment where they had been mothballed.
He had taken 100 hostages inside Frankie and Bennies in Westfield Stratford, under the cover of 36 trident warheads that he had stolen from @jeremycorbyn's allotment where they had been mothballed.
3/10
There was no doubt in anybody's mind that Mercer would use them. He's a Tory MP. We are bref to fire world ending warheads. We train for it. That's why you vote for us. Anyway, maverick Mercer had them pointed at Barking Wetherspoons. Situation: Critical.
There was no doubt in anybody's mind that Mercer would use them. He's a Tory MP. We are bref to fire world ending warheads. We train for it. That's why you vote for us. Anyway, maverick Mercer had them pointed at Barking Wetherspoons. Situation: Critical.
4/10
After an emergency meeting of COBRA, chaired brilliantly by @trussliz (@BorisJohnson was locked in his en suite, the door handle came off ages ago and he hadn't fixed it) it was decided that a special unit of SBS Frogmen led by Andy McNabb would go in to de-escalate.
After an emergency meeting of COBRA, chaired brilliantly by @trussliz (@BorisJohnson was locked in his en suite, the door handle came off ages ago and he hadn't fixed it) it was decided that a special unit of SBS Frogmen led by Andy McNabb would go in to de-escalate.
5/10
Think Iranian Embassy siege 1980 but sponsored by @monster. There were however, two crucial problems. Only one man knew how to defuse the bombs, a lab-rat named @richarddawkins, and only one man had specialist inside knowledge of the underground car park beneath the facility
Think Iranian Embassy siege 1980 but sponsored by @monster. There were however, two crucial problems. Only one man knew how to defuse the bombs, a lab-rat named @richarddawkins, and only one man had specialist inside knowledge of the underground car park beneath the facility
6/10
Me. Having once lost my Range Rover Evoque in there for three hours, I had been war gaming this exact scenario in my spare time every third Saturday for a decade, I was the only man for the job.
Me. Having once lost my Range Rover Evoque in there for three hours, I had been war gaming this exact scenario in my spare time every third Saturday for a decade, I was the only man for the job.
7/10
Things started badly. We came up an escalator directly into the Dunkin Donuts stall by Costa and the entire taskforce, covered from an elevated position, was wiped out. McNabb went down screaming. No more books. Only myself and Dawkins survived. And Dawkins by a whisker.
Things started badly. We came up an escalator directly into the Dunkin Donuts stall by Costa and the entire taskforce, covered from an elevated position, was wiped out. McNabb went down screaming. No more books. Only myself and Dawkins survived. And Dawkins by a whisker.
8/10
He had been shot in the chest but miraculously, the Bible he had just been annotating with red pen, stopped a bullet into his heart that would otherwise have killed him. We were ready to quit. After a career in the TA kitchen, I was getting too old for this game.
He had been shot in the chest but miraculously, the Bible he had just been annotating with red pen, stopped a bullet into his heart that would otherwise have killed him. We were ready to quit. After a career in the TA kitchen, I was getting too old for this game.
9/10
But Dawkins, his bible soaked in red pen and blood in equal measure so that it looked like @johnmcdonnellMP's little red book, was inspired. He pep talked me & told me I was all that stood between 50 Wetherspoons regulars and their 3rd, 4th and 5th pints of the day.
But Dawkins, his bible soaked in red pen and blood in equal measure so that it looked like @johnmcdonnellMP's little red book, was inspired. He pep talked me & told me I was all that stood between 50 Wetherspoons regulars and their 3rd, 4th and 5th pints of the day.
10/10
I roared. I rampaged. I called Mercers bluff and took him down. I liberated the hostages and Dawkins deactivated the warheads just before an air strike came in that would have flattened Pizza Express.
Then I slipped away and quietly resumed campaigning for Brexit.
End.
I roared. I rampaged. I called Mercers bluff and took him down. I liberated the hostages and Dawkins deactivated the warheads just before an air strike came in that would have flattened Pizza Express.
Then I slipped away and quietly resumed campaigning for Brexit.
End.
