Thread by @sol_orwell

Let's do this (found via @nateliason).

Topic: "relationships"

1 opinion per like.

https://twitter.com/vgr/status/1205357296714280962

@nateliason 1. Balancing relationships is not just about what explicitly someone does for you (and vice versa), but also the mental energy of maintaining that relationship.

Stuff like organizing, planning, etc IS a critical component but is often ignored or not considered.

Not just chores.

@nateliason 2. Relationships require the ultimate in 'personalized' advice.

What may work for someone may be utterly disastrous for you - if there is any time to be highly discerning, it's there.

(Aka - the parameters of what works for me/us is likely a failure for you).

@nateliason 3. If you are not having fun during sex something is off...

@nateliason 4. The little things FAR FAR FAR outweigh the big things.

Totally anecdotal, but I've found that couples that do the tiniest things for each (as simple as "have a bite of what I'm eating") outlast those that do grand (and romantic) gestures.

@nateliason 5. People always forget that our interactions with others is but a small subset of their day-to-day.

We have NO idea what couples are like behind close doors.

@nateliason 6. A big part of success in a relationship is adhering to whatever parameters of what YOU two set.

This is key - and part of what makes relationships so tough. Everyone's threshold of what they want/are OK with is different, and balancing it is the magic.

@nateliason 7. Underrated part of being in a relationship is how much STRENGTH it gives you.

If you are not getting that...

@nateliason 8. An interesting idea that @clayhebert told me was about explicitly taking the role of 'leader' vs 'supporter.'

In almost any task/job someone has to lead. It could be something as simple as "clean the house" to as complex as "plan this 9 day vacay."

Know the specific roles.

@nateliason @clayhebert 9. To me, a healthy relationship has a dichotomous balance between being utterly independent (which keeps you interesting to the other person) and being utterly dependent (which allows for true connection).

Veer too much in either direction and *splat*

@nateliason @clayhebert 10. You need to have a sense of self before getting into a relationship... otherwise you can easily lose yourself (or become someone you are not).

@nateliason @clayhebert 11. A relationship is the ultimate test of "do I really let shit that doesn't matter bother me?"

It's often easier to just do something and move on... because you WILL move on and forget about it (because it just doesn't matter).

@nateliason Also rules of engagement: you must like this ORIGINAL thread for another opinion.

Just makes it easier to keep track :|

@nateliason @clayhebert 12. I'm a big fan of the idea of "love languages." Different people expect (and give) love in different ways.

Understanding yourself (and your partner) is always a smart idea.

@nateliason @clayhebert 13. I think fights are important. While you need to let most things slide, you sometimes need to stop and say "hey, this really pissed me off!"

It's easy to veer from "I'm easy" to "I'm disengaged."

@nateliason @clayhebert 14. Being attractive is not hard. Two step process:

1. Don't be boring.
2. Be yourself.

Most people fail at #1. Video games, anime, sports - sorry, that is a bit boring.

Develop hobbies, insights, thoughts - THAT is interesting. AND it helps you figure out #2.

@nateliason I believe we're near an end - this was fun!

@nateliason @clayhebert 15. Jealousy is like cortisol - a little bit is good, but too much destroys you.

@nateliason @clayhebert 16. I am generally wary of when parents have a lot of influence in your partner's decisions.

Parents can mean well, but they often don't know their kids *that* well and can have some really bad ideas.

@nateliason @clayhebert 17. If you're embarrassed by your partner, it is likely time to get out.

[this excludes infrequent habits]

@nateliason @clayhebert 18. There are other attractive people in this world. If you cannot be honest about that, something is wrong.

@nateliason @clayhebert 19. Learning from other couples is underrated. And I don't mean the big things (again) - I mean the small little touches that levels something up from 'friendship' to 'partner.'

@nateliason @clayhebert 20. If you don't think your partner is dope, you need to GTFO.

[I'm surprised by how many people fail this].

Loneliness is NEVER a reason to be in a relationship.

@nateliason @clayhebert 21. It's important to not ALWAYS be together (vacay with friends sans partner = great)

Lets you reset, appreciate what you have, and come back with vigor.

Plus feeds the independence I mentioned earlier.

@nateliason @clayhebert 22. Getting around food is TOUGH (due to how much joy food brings).

My ex- was a celiac vegetarian who drank. I was a good Muslim boy who ate meat but did not drink.

It caused underlying friction that would sometimes rear its ugly head.

@nateliason @clayhebert 23. It's OK to be hypocritical in a relationship! You have *YOUR* priorities and so does your partner.

As always - boundaries define what is acceptable.

@nateliason @clayhebert 24. It's OK to fail.

Pretty much every opinion I've listed has come from experience.

Aka shit-blowing-up-in-my-face.

We're humans! Take your fuckup to heart, learn from it, and be better.

@nateliason @clayhebert 25. I'd warrant a significant portion of ranting by your partner is for the purposes of venting, not looking for advice.

Know the difference (and ask if you are unsure).

@nateliason @clayhebert 26. It IS OK to cut off people your significant other does not get along with.

(note: this is not carte blanche and obviously must balanced and must happen infrequently).

There is finite time and energy in the world.

@nateliason @clayhebert 27. To me, the #1 trait is how easy-going is someone?

There are moments for seriousness, but there's a keyword there: moments.

Life is pretty ridiculous. If you cannot enjoy it for what it is, I can't deal.

@nateliason @clayhebert 28. All humans expunge via bodily functions. If you cannot handle that, grow up.

And for many men - seriously - understand how a women's reproductive organs work.

(Here's some fun: reddit.com/r/badwomensana…)

@nateliason @clayhebert 29. Groom your damn pubes...

I'm not saying keep it shaved or anything like that (but do it if you like it), but damn mate — if you want someone exploring down there, keep it clean!

(this connects with #3 - sex should be fun, not a chore or require you to stifle a gag)

@nateliason @clayhebert 30. You have to ALWAYS be putting effort in. A relationship is not something you eventually 'conquer' and coast. You HAVE to put in the work.

As with most things in life - the more you put into it, the more rewarding it is.

@nateliason @clayhebert 31. Staycations are super-underrated.

A mini-vacation in an area you likely have not fully explored and the insight to know what food you like? Oh hells yes.

@nateliason @clayhebert 32. We are always evolving, and so is the person you're in a relationship with (and as a consequence, so is the relationship).

The goal is to support each other's evolution.

And IF both parties go in opposite directions - it is OKAY to not be together anymore. Treasure it!

@nateliason @clayhebert 33. Make something together. With your hands.

Can be as simple as something as lasagne or a jigsaw puzzle.

@nateliason @clayhebert 34. There's nothing "wrong" with having to schedule time.

A lot of romanticism involves "we will just make time."

If it's important, PLAN for it.

@nateliason @clayhebert 35. Time spent together does not necessarily mean directly interacting with each other.

I'm a proponent of even doing my own thing while in the same room - you are still "available" to each other.

@nateliason @clayhebert 36. If there is one thing you should NOT have with your partner... PRIDE.

@nateliason @clayhebert 37. I will argue till the day I die that having separate bathrooms is key.

I'd live in a studio apartment if I had to in order to have 2 bathrooms.

@nateliason @clayhebert 38. Heavy social media usage is non-ideal. Externalities should be almost considered an unforeseen bonus, not a primary feature of life.

[I get the potential irony here, but people vastly overestimate how much I am online + I have no social media on fone]

@nateliason @clayhebert 39. The last thing in the world you should do is turn to reddit for relationship advice :)

@nateliason @clayhebert 40. Great convo between @shaneaparrish and @dr_suejohnson on the @farnamstreet podcast: fs.blog/sue-johnson/

@nateliason @clayhebert @ShaneAParrish @Dr_SueJohnson @farnamstreet 41. I have yet to see a couple "open up the relationship" and have it work.

The ones that did work? Open *from the start*.

@nateliason @clayhebert @ShaneAParrish @Dr_SueJohnson @farnamstreet 42. Underrated part of being in a relationship: sharing food when you go out to eat.

Having ½ of 2 food item > having 💯 of 1 food item.

@nateliason @clayhebert @ShaneAParrish @Dr_SueJohnson @farnamstreet 43. Wanting your partner to be "just like you" is super creepy.

You're already you. Find someone who complements you - a mix of like you and totally unlike you.

@nateliason @clayhebert @ShaneAParrish @Dr_SueJohnson @farnamstreet 44. Being an entrepreneur is tough on your partner. Be mindful of that fact.

(A solid partner will be *amazing* support on your entrepreneurial journey).

@nateliason @clayhebert @ShaneAParrish @Dr_SueJohnson @farnamstreet 45. In general, I'm a huge proponent of "fuck everyone else's opinions."

Your partner is about one of the FEW people in this world whose opinion should hold sway.

[which implies that your partner is also intelligent - should not need to say it, but here we are]

@nateliason @clayhebert @ShaneAParrish @Dr_SueJohnson @farnamstreet 46. We often see our partner in the same "light" over and over again.

Try to see them in a new light.

Easiest one: when they are working.

Relatively doable for those reading this: have them see you speak at an event.

There are sides of their personality you have no idea about

@nateliason @clayhebert @ShaneAParrish @Dr_SueJohnson @farnamstreet 47. YOU CANNOT FIX SOMEONE. No matter how much you love them or how smart you are, it ain't happening.

That shit has to come from within.

And this is especially true for people with mental health issues.

(Not saying they need to be fixed... you get the gist).

@nateliason @clayhebert @ShaneAParrish @Dr_SueJohnson @farnamstreet 48. You should have more inside jokes with your partner than with anyone else.

@nateliason @clayhebert @ShaneAParrish @Dr_SueJohnson @farnamstreet 49. There are times when you should say "yes" when you want to say "no."

There are also times when you should most definitely say "no" when you want to say it.

It's compromise, not acquiescence.

@nateliason Wow almost 50...

@nateliason @clayhebert @ShaneAParrish @Dr_SueJohnson @farnamstreet 50. If you partner doesn't like Seinfeld, they don't get humor 👀

@nateliason @clayhebert @ShaneAParrish @Dr_SueJohnson @farnamstreet 51. Knowing random stats such as "favorite colour" is a bit overrated.

On the other hand, knowing what they *despise* is usually a bit more important.

@nateliason @clayhebert @ShaneAParrish @Dr_SueJohnson @farnamstreet 52. It's nice to have physical downtime. Intimacy sans over sexuality.

(usually manifests in cuddling).

@nateliason @clayhebert @ShaneAParrish @Dr_SueJohnson @farnamstreet 53. There's a difference between a fantasy and acting on it.

Your partner does not need to indulge you in your fantasy.

Simultaneously, they should not mock your fantasy either.

You have to feel safe and comfortable.

@nateliason @clayhebert @ShaneAParrish @Dr_SueJohnson @farnamstreet 54. I'm a big believer in privacy - no eavesdropping or snooping.

@nateliason @clayhebert @ShaneAParrish @Dr_SueJohnson @farnamstreet 55. It is imperative you beat (destroy really) your partner in board games so you can lord it over them forever.

BONUS supermove: after winning, refuse to play again under the guise of "I retired as champ."

[I've done this to all my friends 😎]

@nateliason @clayhebert @ShaneAParrish @Dr_SueJohnson @farnamstreet 56. Being a sore loser is one of the most unattractive traits in the world.

And so is being a sore winner.

(This does contradict #55 as that is done in jest, not in seriousness).

@nateliason @clayhebert @ShaneAParrish @Dr_SueJohnson @farnamstreet 57. I find couple massages to be eh.

But giving each other massages? Oh yeah, that's good stuff.

@nateliason @clayhebert @ShaneAParrish @Dr_SueJohnson @farnamstreet 58. I find people often praise their partner around their friends.

Umm - don't forget to praise them to their face!

@nateliason @clayhebert @ShaneAParrish @Dr_SueJohnson @farnamstreet 59. You SHOULD be selfish (to a level) in a relationship. Your partner wants to be with you, and that means a lot of quirks and warts.

@nateliason @clayhebert @ShaneAParrish @Dr_SueJohnson @farnamstreet 60. There's joy in sharing interesting articles and tidbits you learn with each other. It builds bonds of intricate knowledge and understanding of each other's world view.

@nateliason @clayhebert @ShaneAParrish @Dr_SueJohnson @farnamstreet 61. Cooking for your partner is rarely about the actual product (provided it's not inedible) and more about the effort.

Effort matters *a lot*

@nateliason @clayhebert @ShaneAParrish @Dr_SueJohnson @farnamstreet 62. If they like raisins, kick them to the curb ASAP.

If they don't like chocolate chips... see above.

@nateliason @clayhebert @ShaneAParrish @Dr_SueJohnson @farnamstreet 63. We need to put ourselves into the shoes of our partner more often. Empathy has to be nurtured constantly.

@nateliason @clayhebert @ShaneAParrish @Dr_SueJohnson @farnamstreet 64. Your partner, once they earn it, should get the benefit of the doubt.

And don't forget: vice versa.

@nateliason @clayhebert @ShaneAParrish @Dr_SueJohnson @farnamstreet 65. Set expectations on responsiveness when communicating via messaging.

Some people are very responsive. Others are slow. Or get distracted easily. Know how they are.

(For example I am super-responsive)

@nateliason @clayhebert @ShaneAParrish @Dr_SueJohnson @farnamstreet 66. I do not suggest doing this often, but having a specific person to talk shit about can be quite bonding.

Again, this should not be a frequent thing, nor should it be ultimately mean. But humans are frustrating and a 'common enemy' brings all of us closer together.

@nateliason @clayhebert @ShaneAParrish @Dr_SueJohnson @farnamstreet 67. Use emojis in text communications! We know non-verbal matters, and sarcasm and seriousness can often be mixed up.

(Giphy is great too. As long as you pronounce it as a soft-G and not a hard-G you monster!)

@nateliason @clayhebert @ShaneAParrish @Dr_SueJohnson @farnamstreet 68. Publicly you should be your partner's biggest cheerleader.

Privately is a balance of both supportive and contradictory.

You want them to feel comfortable and supported/safe but also challenged so that they grow.

@nateliason @clayhebert @ShaneAParrish @Dr_SueJohnson @farnamstreet 69. Don't be a "well actually..." turdmuffin. It's so incredibly condescending.

(Honestly this just applies to ALL relationships).

@nateliason @clayhebert @ShaneAParrish @Dr_SueJohnson @farnamstreet 70. Talk to your friends about your relationship (obviously do not disclose anything truly confidential).

You can always learn.

Not enough people do this. Especially guys.

@nateliason @clayhebert @ShaneAParrish @Dr_SueJohnson @farnamstreet 71. The closer we are to someone, the easier it is to take them for granted.

Don't forget that.