Thread by @VoteBeebe

Seated at the bar in a nice Italian restaurant next to a couple clearly on a first date...

Strap in, cuz after a little observation (and eavesdropping) this is the schadenfreude moment you’ve been waiting for...

1/???

First five minutes I was here they were both awkwardly making conversation and she spent a lot of time looking around.

Then his beer kicked in. 👀😬

Note: she’s drinking champagne and he’s drinking beer. First 🚩

Apparently he thinks ordering extremely loudly is endearing. Awkwardly annunciating each sylll-ah-bull is also what the cools do.

Note: it’s not his normal speaking voice or cadence. He’s clearly trying to be interesting.

They can’t agree on toppings for the pizza.

He makes it clear that their half-pizzas cannot be touching. Makes an awkward joke about it being a first date.

Bartender asks if they want two smaller pizzas. No, he insists. “we’re together”

Her salad arrives.

He asks her if it’s gluten free.

That nervous laugh she gives him will echo through my nightmares.

Pizza arrives.

He literally waits until the exact moment she is shoving her first bite into her mouth to say “you look really pretty tonight”

Bartender checks on the food.

Apparently speaking awkwardly loud isn’t just to be endearingly funny — he must think there is some sort of cone of silence between him and the bartender three feet away.

They’re now evaluating the pizza.

I was sorta feeling for her, as she’s definitely the better catch, but she just said she *really* likes Dominoes pizza.

Uncultured swine.

Pizza is finished. They eat fast.

He stacks the pizza platter, the pizza grid, two side plates, and places his silverware perfectly horizontally.

Clearly a serial killer.

He just inquired about the espresso machine. The look on her face....

She acquiesced to an espresso.
It’s still early I suppose. But I did not see that coming.

He’s going for the double-shot, her the single shot. Not sure if that’s a metaphor, but if it is, it’s an appropriate one.

He’s showing her pictures of his recently deceased grandad on his phone. It’s a power move to be sure, but it’s Android.

Second 🚩

She slams her single shot espresso.

Uh oh. He calls the bartender “pal” as he hands him the check.

Is there any name more demeaning to service workers than pal? Maybe “buddy”??

OMG — they just decided on the second date: a 5:30am @orangetheory meetup.

Dear God. They may in fact deserve each other.

Ok. Wait. He just headed to the bathroom.

Let’s see what she does while he’s gone...

Straight to the phone.

Can’t tell who she’s texting.

Oh boy... it’s a long text though...

She slams what’s left of her champagne

Good sign? Or great sign?

He’s back.
“Ready to go?”
Leans in and plants an awkward kiss.
She kisses back though... 😮😳🙄

Dear God.
They leave holding hands.

Him: 1
Her: 0
Humanity: -1,000,383

-fini-