The #boyslockerroom chats are disturbing, disgusting, shocking but ultimately, not surprising. This is an endlessly repetitive pattern that patriarchy has not only given rise to, by excusing boys for terrible behaviour ('boys will be boys'), but has actively encouraged.
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It starts with parenting and the way boys and girls are differentiated, sometimes within their own homes. There is always an onus on girls to behave, dress, act, and be 'achche ghar ki ladkiyan'. But boys can get away with anything, because 'ladke hain, yahi toh umar hai unki'.
In most homes, girls are taught about how to keep themselves safe, and what to do in uncomfortable situations, but in few homes, are boys taught about why girls feel unsafe and how to make sure girls don't feel uncomfortable. The onus of safety is always placed on the girls.
In our education system too, there are hardly any conversations about gender sensitivity. In fact, in many schools and colleges, boys and girls are supposed to not talk at all. The different genders have always been asked to maintain social distance, that ends up repressing them.
Our pop culture has been perpetuating terrible male behaviour for so long that it's now entrenched in both genders. Women have been objectified through 'item songs', stalking has been romanticised as love, and the tropes of 'ladki ki naa mein hi haan hai' have become canon IRL.
Meme culture has normalised 'send nudes' and 'dick pics' as jokes, and trolls have managed to turn 'feminism' into a cuss word that boys think of as 'men hating'. Male celebrities espouse gender equality in PSAs but on screen and off it, have been found wanting (remember #MeToo)
So while we hold these boys accountable for their despicable behaviour, we need to start having larger societal conversations about changing cultural norms, so under-18 boys have more to aspire to than the low bar of being 'just boys', set by patriarchy and accepted by us.
Because there is not just one such group, and this is not just an isolated incident. Until we start talking about gender sensitivity, positive masculinity and empathy in every home and every school, boys will hold shitty and aggressive behaviour as what 'being a boy' means.
If you are a boy reading this, don't respond to this incident or any thread/post by saying #notallmen (everyone knows), and don't slide into DMs of women to say you are an ally (this isn't about you). Just listen, acknowledge and understand what young women are feeling and why.
Don't put the onus on girls to teach you respect. Be empathetic, introspect, and you will do better. Hold yourself and your friends accountable to male friendships that empower you to being decent and kinder human beings than being 'just boys'. That shit is old now.
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