"I'm 16 and Marxist-Leninist!"
No, Sarah, you're a teenager from an upper-middle-class household who's trying to get some social clout online because you're bored and rebellious. Stop screwing around and do your chores.
No, Sarah, you're a teenager from an upper-middle-class household who's trying to get some social clout online because you're bored and rebellious. Stop screwing around and do your chores.
"My pronouns are fae/faer."
No they're not, and you have never corrected anybody when they used "she" or "her" to refer to you. You're just trying to feel unique and special because you lack the artistic talents that your peers have.
No they're not, and you have never corrected anybody when they used "she" or "her" to refer to you. You're just trying to feel unique and special because you lack the artistic talents that your peers have.
"I'm a learning MLM."
No, Jennifer, you watched a couple of Breadtube videos after quitting your job at the grocery store. You're not going to read State and Revolution, but you're probably going into a different MLM—multi-level marketing.
No, Jennifer, you watched a couple of Breadtube videos after quitting your job at the grocery store. You're not going to read State and Revolution, but you're probably going into a different MLM—multi-level marketing.
"Living on occupied land. #LandBack"
Yeah, Jason, and I'm sure that you're more than willing to give up your home and the land it sits on to the indigenous people of your area. In fact, you believe in it so much, you're packing your shit and leaving tomorrow!
...right?
Yeah, Jason, and I'm sure that you're more than willing to give up your home and the land it sits on to the indigenous people of your area. In fact, you believe in it so much, you're packing your shit and leaving tomorrow!
...right?
"Death to America. Burn it down!"
Uh huh. And what skills do you have beyond making hot takes on Twitter, Brian? You know, life skills? The kinds that you'll need in a post-capitalist, anarchist society.
Oh, you can make art? Well that's gonna be... useful?
Uh huh. And what skills do you have beyond making hot takes on Twitter, Brian? You know, life skills? The kinds that you'll need in a post-capitalist, anarchist society.
Oh, you can make art? Well that's gonna be... useful?
"We're all part of the TruCutes system!"
For the last time, Samantha, you don't have DID. No, claiming that it's OSDD isn't gonna fly. No, self-diagnosis isn't valid. You're just RPing with yourself. Be sociable, or just go outside for once.
For the last time, Samantha, you don't have DID. No, claiming that it's OSDD isn't gonna fly. No, self-diagnosis isn't valid. You're just RPing with yourself. Be sociable, or just go outside for once.
"Bi lesbian"
No, Anna, you're either bi or sapphic. I know we had that whole debate over whether or not bisexuality was being attracted to men and women, or being attracted to two genders seven years ago, but that doesn't mean you get to redefine what "lesbian" means, too. Stop.
No, Anna, you're either bi or sapphic. I know we had that whole debate over whether or not bisexuality was being attracted to men and women, or being attracted to two genders seven years ago, but that doesn't mean you get to redefine what "lesbian" means, too. Stop.
"Species dysphoric"
Holy shit, Kristin, you're still on that? It's been five years since the whole otherkin thing went out of vogue, why are you still clinging on to it? Was the headmates thing just not appealing to you?
I mean, props for keeping it going for so long, but geez…
Holy shit, Kristin, you're still on that? It's been five years since the whole otherkin thing went out of vogue, why are you still clinging on to it? Was the headmates thing just not appealing to you?
I mean, props for keeping it going for so long, but geez…
"Misandrist bathing in male tears"
After reading your tweets, Mindy, I don't think the problem is what you say it is, that all men are disrespectful. No, it's more that you don't really have much to respect.
After reading your tweets, Mindy, I don't think the problem is what you say it is, that all men are disrespectful. No, it's more that you don't really have much to respect.
"NoMap"
You're not fooling anyone, Steve. We all figured your shit out a long time ago. Knock off the shit, and return your therapist's calls.
Oh, and I swear to god, if I hear you've terrified more artists after trying to commission loli art, I'm gonna lose it.
You're not fooling anyone, Steve. We all figured your shit out a long time ago. Knock off the shit, and return your therapist's calls.
Oh, and I swear to god, if I hear you've terrified more artists after trying to commission loli art, I'm gonna lose it.
"nan0gender"
YOU KNOW THAT ONE WAS LITERALLY MADE UP TO TROLL PEOPLE, RIGHT?
YOU'RE AWARE THAT YOUR "RECLAIMING" IT MEANS THAT YOU FELL INTO THE EXACT TRAP IT WAS SETTING, RIGHT?
PLEASE TELL ME THIS IS POE'S LAW BECAUSE I SWEAR TO GOD
YOU KNOW THAT ONE WAS LITERALLY MADE UP TO TROLL PEOPLE, RIGHT?
YOU'RE AWARE THAT YOUR "RECLAIMING" IT MEANS THAT YOU FELL INTO THE EXACT TRAP IT WAS SETTING, RIGHT?
PLEASE TELL ME THIS IS POE'S LAW BECAUSE I SWEAR TO GOD
"I have strong opinions on the Oxford Comma"
Look, Gerald, I enjoy flaunting my English degree like you do, but you don't actually have strong opinions about a goddamn punctuation mark. Have you even used an interrobang before‽
Look, Gerald, I enjoy flaunting my English degree like you do, but you don't actually have strong opinions about a goddamn punctuation mark. Have you even used an interrobang before‽
"Retweets are not endorsements"
You uh... you sure about that, Harry?
I mean, you're not running for office, so what's the point in the disclaimer? You retweet something, it's assumed that you liked or agreed with the message. Are you trying to preemptively save your ass?
You uh... you sure about that, Harry?
I mean, you're not running for office, so what's the point in the disclaimer? You retweet something, it's assumed that you liked or agreed with the message. Are you trying to preemptively save your ass?
"#Resist"
Literally what the fuck are you doing to resist anything being done by the current administration?
You can't post memes and Occupy Democrats image macros and call that a "resistance." Get arrested for civil disobedience, then we'll talk.
Literally what the fuck are you doing to resist anything being done by the current administration?
You can't post memes and Occupy Democrats image macros and call that a "resistance." Get arrested for civil disobedience, then we'll talk.
"#MAGA #KAG"
Trump is not part of the Holy Trinity, please don't dedicate your entire account's existence to spreading that "Good News."
Also, stop commenting on every WaPo and NYT article calling them "fake news" without reading them, first.
Trump is not part of the Holy Trinity, please don't dedicate your entire account's existence to spreading that "Good News."
Also, stop commenting on every WaPo and NYT article calling them "fake news" without reading them, first.
"NeverTrump, NeverBiden"
Yeah, I hate the two-party system too, Dallas, but Bernie isn't gonna win. Neither is Howie. Neither is JoJo.
Just tweet out that George Carlin clip about voting one last time and shut the fuck up until the next general election.
Yeah, I hate the two-party system too, Dallas, but Bernie isn't gonna win. Neither is Howie. Neither is JoJo.
Just tweet out that George Carlin clip about voting one last time and shut the fuck up until the next general election.
"Unblock fee"
Melissa, I've seen some crazy ways to try and earn money in my time, but that's actually the craziest. You must be out of your goddamn mind.
And I'm blocking you back.
Melissa, I've seen some crazy ways to try and earn money in my time, but that's actually the craziest. You must be out of your goddamn mind.
And I'm blocking you back.
"I block all..."
Stop bragging about the ideological bubble you're cultivating for yourself, Jamie. You're not appealing to like-minded people, you're showing that your intellectual depth is the size of a puddle.
Stop bragging about the ideological bubble you're cultivating for yourself, Jamie. You're not appealing to like-minded people, you're showing that your intellectual depth is the size of a puddle.
"Moderate centrist"
You'd have a better time calling yourself a "contrarian fence-sitter," Christopher.
You'd have a better time calling yourself a "contrarian fence-sitter," Christopher.
"Bylines in..."
You could've just linked to your résumé, Mark. Seriously, save your bio the characters. I'm sure you'll be recognized for your reporting on the N. fowleri infection at the Whitewater Center one day.
You could've just linked to your résumé, Mark. Seriously, save your bio the characters. I'm sure you'll be recognized for your reporting on the N. fowleri infection at the Whitewater Center one day.
"Proudly blocked by..."
Karening in the real world wasn't enough for you, huh?
Karening in the real world wasn't enough for you, huh?
"Followed by..."
And the other end of the coin, Kevin thinks he's the most important person in the world because a celebrity follows him on Twitter... but never interacts with him.
Is it really a follow, Kevin? Is it?
And the other end of the coin, Kevin thinks he's the most important person in the world because a celebrity follows him on Twitter... but never interacts with him.
Is it really a follow, Kevin? Is it?
"Total conundrum"
I'm sure you are, Alex "The Hatman." Or maybe you're just saying that to try and appear to be more quirky and interesting than you actually are, when, in fact, most of your jokes are stolen and your takes are milquetoast at best.
But at least you have followers!
I'm sure you are, Alex "The Hatman." Or maybe you're just saying that to try and appear to be more quirky and interesting than you actually are, when, in fact, most of your jokes are stolen and your takes are milquetoast at best.
But at least you have followers!
That's all. I might do more tomorrow.
Go to sleep, y'all.
Go to sleep, y'all.
ROUND TWO, MOTHER FUCKERS
Time for more Twitter bio roasting!
Time for more Twitter bio roasting!
“Multifandom”
My condolences on the loss of Tumblr, Olivia. No, I don’t think putting a Carrd in your profile will help alleviate the sting of its loss.
Now please don't encourage the Superwholock children to migrate over...
My condolences on the loss of Tumblr, Olivia. No, I don’t think putting a Carrd in your profile will help alleviate the sting of its loss.
Now please don't encourage the Superwholock children to migrate over...
“Garbage person”
I've heard of self-deprecating humor, but I think you're really trying to reverse psychology us into thinking you’re actually a really cool and unique person, Genna.
Which isn't really reverse psychology, more an announcement that you have zero self-esteem.
I've heard of self-deprecating humor, but I think you're really trying to reverse psychology us into thinking you’re actually a really cool and unique person, Genna.
Which isn't really reverse psychology, more an announcement that you have zero self-esteem.
“My bf/gf/partner is…”
WE GET IT, MICHAEL, YOU’RE DATING
THAT’S STILL A FORM OF PDA AND I AIN’T HERE FOR IT
WE GET IT, MICHAEL, YOU’RE DATING
THAT’S STILL A FORM OF PDA AND I AIN’T HERE FOR IT
“DMs are open”
Do you know what Internet trolling is, Angie?
Because you're gonna get a crash course as soon as you tweet anything even mildly controversial.
Do you know what Internet trolling is, Angie?
Because you're gonna get a crash course as soon as you tweet anything even mildly controversial.
“Just another insignificant human being”
Maybe read something else after Nietzsche, Cody. And if you were really into nihilism like you want us to think you are, you wouldn’t be on Twitter.
And stop screaming obscenities in the hallway. It doesn't make you look cool.
Maybe read something else after Nietzsche, Cody. And if you were really into nihilism like you want us to think you are, you wouldn’t be on Twitter.
And stop screaming obscenities in the hallway. It doesn't make you look cool.
“Nasty woman”
Oh, come on, Megan. You’re a really nice person. You even brought me lasagna at work that one time. But let's be real, you thought you were too good for the #resistance trend, but still decided to follow the other one to show how much of a badass feminist you are.
Oh, come on, Megan. You’re a really nice person. You even brought me lasagna at work that one time. But let's be real, you thought you were too good for the #resistance trend, but still decided to follow the other one to show how much of a badass feminist you are.
“NSFW alt"
Just make the OnlyFans or be horny on main, Laura.
JOIN THE BANDWAGON
Just make the OnlyFans or be horny on main, Laura.
JOIN THE BANDWAGON
“Opinionated”
No shit, Jeffrey, everyone is opinionated. That’s no excuse to quote tweet in all caps for sixteen hours a day. C’mon, even your parents are losing patience with your shit. Now take a break from watching cable news, and go walk the dog.
No shit, Jeffrey, everyone is opinionated. That’s no excuse to quote tweet in all caps for sixteen hours a day. C’mon, even your parents are losing patience with your shit. Now take a break from watching cable news, and go walk the dog.
“dni if…”
Oh come off it, Michelle. Lock your Twitter if you want to gatekeep who fucking replies or quote tweets you. Or better yet, get Jamie to send you her blocklist so you can feel even more "secure."
You’re doing social media wrong, fix that shit or delete your account.
Oh come off it, Michelle. Lock your Twitter if you want to gatekeep who fucking replies or quote tweets you. Or better yet, get Jamie to send you her blocklist so you can feel even more "secure."
You’re doing social media wrong, fix that shit or delete your account.
“Social justice [class]”
YOUR TABLETOP JOKES ARE BAD AND YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD, TODD
YOUR TABLETOP JOKES ARE BAD AND YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD, TODD
“Co-host of…”
YOUR PODCAST IS BORING AND YOU SHOULD FEEL BORING, CLINT
YOUR PODCAST IS BORING AND YOU SHOULD FEEL BORING, CLINT
"My PayPal/Venmo/CashApp is…"
YOUR PANHANDLING IS ANNOYING AND YOU SHOULD FEEL ANNOYING, CAITLYN
AND YOU'RE ON THE CLOCK, STOP TWEETING AT THE REGISTER
YOUR PANHANDLING IS ANNOYING AND YOU SHOULD FEEL ANNOYING, CAITLYN
AND YOU'RE ON THE CLOCK, STOP TWEETING AT THE REGISTER
“Shitposter”
Alan, you know as well as I do that shitposting is no different than trying to force a meme on /b/ back in the old days. It’s been twelve years. That shit won’t make you famous. As if you'd know what to do with e-fame if you even got that far...
Alan, you know as well as I do that shitposting is no different than trying to force a meme on /b/ back in the old days. It’s been twelve years. That shit won’t make you famous. As if you'd know what to do with e-fame if you even got that far...
“#Gamergate”
It’s time to let go, Tom.
It’s time to let go, Tom.
“#Comicsgate”
It’s time to learn from Gamergate, other Tom.
It’s time to learn from Gamergate, other Tom.
“Opinions are my own”
I understand that you don’t want to get fired, Joe, but maybe if you weren’t spending most of your Twitter time antagonizing people, you wouldn’t need that disclaimer.
And for the love of god, stop getting into fights on every trending hashtag!
I understand that you don’t want to get fired, Joe, but maybe if you weren’t spending most of your Twitter time antagonizing people, you wouldn’t need that disclaimer.
And for the love of god, stop getting into fights on every trending hashtag!
“Old account was…"
Bold of you to admit to ban evasion, Jackie. I’m sure no one will alert the relevant authorities.
Bold of you to admit to ban evasion, Jackie. I’m sure no one will alert the relevant authorities.
“Believer in free people and free societies”
WE GET IT, PRESTON, YOU READ AYN RAND
WE GET IT, PRESTON, YOU READ AYN RAND
“Please send dog/cat pics.”
This is the only good one. Well done, Kelsey.
This is the only good one. Well done, Kelsey.
"Gamer"
Can you really call yourself a "gamer" when you've spent the last ten years exclusively replaying Persona 4, Derek?
Can you really call yourself a "gamer" when you've spent the last ten years exclusively replaying Persona 4, Derek?
“Otaku”
Why haven’t you embraced the label of “weeb,” yet, Dylan?
Why haven’t you embraced the label of “weeb,” yet, Dylan?
“Weeb”
Oh shit, that’s why. I take it back, Dylan.
Oh shit, that’s why. I take it back, Dylan.
“Proud New Yorker”
Yep, you sure are better than us dumbass Southerners, Lisa. You show us how civilization is done! Just remember that being liberal shouldn't extend to your car horn.
Yep, you sure are better than us dumbass Southerners, Lisa. You show us how civilization is done! Just remember that being liberal shouldn't extend to your car horn.
“Southern by the grace of God”
Not serving sweet tea by default in New York is not a valid reason to throw a Confederate flag on your car, Charles. Knock off the shit.
Not serving sweet tea by default in New York is not a valid reason to throw a Confederate flag on your car, Charles. Knock off the shit.
“Needs coffee”
Having a dedicated Starbucks budget isn’t exactly a healthy spending habit, Savannah. And no, going back through the drive-thru because the barista didn't make your caramel macchiato right isn't a valid excuse for being late to work.
Having a dedicated Starbucks budget isn’t exactly a healthy spending habit, Savannah. And no, going back through the drive-thru because the barista didn't make your caramel macchiato right isn't a valid excuse for being late to work.
“[no bio]”
Shit, Eric, you somehow found a way to be even more boring than people who just put pronouns in their bio. And you thought I wouldn’t rag on you…
Shit, Eric, you somehow found a way to be even more boring than people who just put pronouns in their bio. And you thought I wouldn’t rag on you…
“Feminist killjoy”
Oh look, it’s Mindy’s equally antagonistic friend, Chelsea!
Welp, I’ll leave y’all insufferable gals to figure out which one of you truly is holiest-than-thou.
Oh look, it’s Mindy’s equally antagonistic friend, Chelsea!
Welp, I’ll leave y’all insufferable gals to figure out which one of you truly is holiest-than-thou.
“Unapologetically American”
Yeah, you got pretty upset when that Canadian dude told you that he didn’t think the US was that great, eh, Andew?
Freedom isn't owning six guns and an F150.
Yeah, you got pretty upset when that Canadian dude told you that he didn’t think the US was that great, eh, Andew?
Freedom isn't owning six guns and an F150.
"My kids are my world!"
Shut the fuck up, Fayne. We all know that you use them to steal attention away from other family members. They're entitled little shits, just like you.
Shut the fuck up, Fayne. We all know that you use them to steal attention away from other family members. They're entitled little shits, just like you.
I'm not done, Fayne.
I would say that getting married on your sister's birthday was your biggest bitch move, but I'm sure you'll do something to top it next week.
You're the Queen of the Karens and the revolution is about to fuck you up.
I would say that getting married on your sister's birthday was your biggest bitch move, but I'm sure you'll do something to top it next week.
You're the Queen of the Karens and the revolution is about to fuck you up.
"Libertarian socialist"
Are you really that afraid of calling yourself an anarchist, Jordan?
Are you really that afraid of calling yourself an anarchist, Jordan?
"Also on Parler/Gab"
You can quit Twitter if you hate it so much, Jon. But we all know that you won't because you have more people to yell at here.
You can quit Twitter if you hate it so much, Jon. But we all know that you won't because you have more people to yell at here.
"YouTuber"
You know pretty much all of the Let's Play channels moved to Twitch, right, Calvin? I know you finally made it to 100 subs, but you may as well follow the money. You sure as shit ain't finding it on YouTube.
You know pretty much all of the Let's Play channels moved to Twitch, right, Calvin? I know you finally made it to 100 subs, but you may as well follow the money. You sure as shit ain't finding it on YouTube.
"Twitch streamer"
You've had three consecutive watchers at the most, Caleb. And all of them were friends you begged to sub to you.
Maybe you should play something better than goddamn Roblox if you want to attract an audience.
You've had three consecutive watchers at the most, Caleb. And all of them were friends you begged to sub to you.
Maybe you should play something better than goddamn Roblox if you want to attract an audience.
"Commissions CLOSED"
Yes, I know you don't want to draw any more fursonas or nudes of OCs, Rebecca, but being commissioned by the furries is an inevitability for all online artists. You wouldn't be getting paid without them. Open the commission page back up.
Yes, I know you don't want to draw any more fursonas or nudes of OCs, Rebecca, but being commissioned by the furries is an inevitability for all online artists. You wouldn't be getting paid without them. Open the commission page back up.
"Love always wins"
SO THEN STOP TALKING ABOUT ALL THE THINGS AND PEOPLE AND IDEAS THAT YOU HATE ALL THE TIME, JEAN
I SURE DO SENSE A WHOLE LOTTA LOVE WHEN YOU CHEER ABOUT THE PEOPLE YOU HATE CATCHING COVID
SO THEN STOP TALKING ABOUT ALL THE THINGS AND PEOPLE AND IDEAS THAT YOU HATE ALL THE TIME, JEAN
I SURE DO SENSE A WHOLE LOTTA LOVE WHEN YOU CHEER ABOUT THE PEOPLE YOU HATE CATCHING COVID
"My heart belongs to Jesus"
I'm not sure that going to church five times a week and exclusively listening to Chris Tomlin is the best way to live your life, Stephanie. When's the last time you went and served your community? No, passing out Bibles doesn't count.
I'm not sure that going to church five times a week and exclusively listening to Chris Tomlin is the best way to live your life, Stephanie. When's the last time you went and served your community? No, passing out Bibles doesn't count.
"Anti-theist"
I'm sorry your parents sent you to Catholic school, Rachel.
I'm sorry your parents sent you to Catholic school, Rachel.
"Groucho Marxist"
I know you're trying to be funny, Patrick, but the joke's so old, even Groucho himself stole it.
I know you're trying to be funny, Patrick, but the joke's so old, even Groucho himself stole it.
"[boyband fan name]"
I bet if a bunch of hot guys were playing white noise, you'd love that, too. But it's okay, Mikaela, you'll probably grow out of it.
I bet if a bunch of hot guys were playing white noise, you'd love that, too. But it's okay, Mikaela, you'll probably grow out of it.
"K-pop stan"
This is shorthand for "I don't like the current pop music bandwagons, so I decided to jump on a different pop music bandwagon," isn't it, Katelynn?
Let's be real, before BTS, your only exposure to K-pop was Gagnam Style, you thought it was too weird for you.
This is shorthand for "I don't like the current pop music bandwagons, so I decided to jump on a different pop music bandwagon," isn't it, Katelynn?
Let's be real, before BTS, your only exposure to K-pop was Gagnam Style, you thought it was too weird for you.
"Heckin"
Please don't, Sara Beth. You're 34. You can't sit at the teens' table anymore.
Please don't, Sara Beth. You're 34. You can't sit at the teens' table anymore.
"#2A"
Pretty sure taking out a fifth mortgage on your house for your eighty-seventh rifle is a bad idea, Daryl. Also, being on a first-name basis with the ATF isn't gonna save your dog from being shot.
Pretty sure taking out a fifth mortgage on your house for your eighty-seventh rifle is a bad idea, Daryl. Also, being on a first-name basis with the ATF isn't gonna save your dog from being shot.
"#GunControlNow"
It's okay, Cheryl, hoplophobia isn't an uncommon fear.
What isn't okay: falling over yourself while arguing that the Constitution only protects the rights of state militias to own black powder rifles.
It's okay, Cheryl, hoplophobia isn't an uncommon fear.
What isn't okay: falling over yourself while arguing that the Constitution only protects the rights of state militias to own black powder rifles.
"I hate haters"
Tell us more about why you don't have any friends, Amy.
Tell us more about why you don't have any friends, Amy.
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