Thread by @jonworth

Both @MichelBarnier & @vonderleyen have spoken of a 'narrow path to a Deal' this week

But what *is* that narrow path?

Think of it like a narrow ⛰ path in Barnier's home region, Savoie 🇫🇷

Settle down, and let me tell you the story "The path to the Deal"

The path ahead lasts 15 days

At the end of the path lies Deal

Rocks or crevices might block the path, slowing you down

Worse still you could fall off the cliff to No Deal

Or you might run out of time to reach your destination, and need some extra bridge to Deal

The locals call the first part of your path POLITICAL AGREEMENT

It lasts between now and Friday 18 Dec

The rough map is known here - fisheries and level playing field are the bumps on the path. A farmer called Johnson keeps sovereignty rocks onto the path

Everyone ignores the sovereignty rocks, but no one knows how big the LPF bumps are. Some bumps look huge to some mountaineers, but tiny to others

But everyone knows: fail to get to the end of POLITICAL AGREEMENT by Friday, and you will not get to Deal by the end of the year

Around the corner then comes LEGAL SCRUBBING

Preparations for the ascent of this part of the path have been ongoing for months already, but no one knows quite how big the holes in this part of the path really are

The problem here is that you need to speak to a lot of people to understand this part of the path - 27 of them in fact. Any of them could suddenly discover a crevice in the path that you cannot cross, or takes some days to circumnavigate

What is definitely clear is you need to clear the LEGAL SCRUBBING part of the path by 21 or 22 Dec, because otherwise you will run out of time to get to Deal

After LEGAL SCRUBBING you have to take a couple of days to recover, in a copse of fir trees with peculiar lighting, and building up strength by eating turkey

Here you also need to send letters to the 27 people who helped you earlier, to get them to sign off the route ahead

On 28 Dec you need to call on the support of an unusual, noisy, not always powerful, and large tribe who are best known for their strange migration patterns between Brussels and Strasbourg. The tribe is difficult to predict as they often fight among themselves

Normally this tribe only lets someone through the PARLIAMENT RATIFICATION gate after weeks of debate and anguish. But this tribe also fears No Deal at the bottom of the valley, so after loud complaints might let you through

Wait until after 28 Dec to try to pass the PARLIAMENT RATIFICATION gate, and all sorts of people suddenly put their own gates on the path as well, possibly also forcing you into a major and time consuming detour via Wallonia. This is a path you do not want to take

Some of your sherpas have pointed out that a distantly related tribe, normally found reclining on archaic green benches, could pose a problem here

Despite making noise akin to a flock of mountain 🐑 they have not succeeded in blocking any path since December 2019

So it's 31 Dec

Well done!

You have followed the path to Deal! 👏

If you did not make it in time, things are very rocky indeed

If you need extra days to get to Deal, you can bridge there by paying hefty tariffs for a while, unless you can work out how to use an obscure paragraph of a document signed in 1947 by tribes over the ⛰ in Geneva

You could instead agree to give each other more time to get to Deal, but so the ⛰🧙‍♂️ tells us, this turns the 🐑 on the archaic green benches into a bunch of baying monsters, although the 🧙‍♂️ also reminds us their bark is worse than their bite

So there you go! That is "The path to the Deal"

Other stories:

⛰ image CC License from Flickr flickr.com/photos/9145197…

FT ft.com/content/359126…

RTE rte.ie/news/2020/1216…

Related stories from the Brexit 🧙‍♂️:

https://twitter.com/tconnellyRTE/status/1339124055417511938

https://twitter.com/tconnellyRTE/status/1338427058876272641

And the serious version:

https://twitter.com/jonworth/status/1338861719095898114

/ends