What I learnt on the Twitter this week:

1. CPC MP Cheryl Gallant says she knows Trudeau started COVID because she used her special extraterrestrial CB radio to make contact with alternate universes which told her Trudeau caused lockdowns to make his drive to the cottage easier.
2. Erin O'Toole states repeatedly he was in RCAF, when he was not. O'Toole says he *did* write his RCAF's Insurance Brokers licencing exam after he left the Canadian Armed Forces' Air Command, but he moved after that and his RCAF Insurance Broker's licence was lost in the mail.
3. With all of Ontario moved out of a province-wide lockdown and back into a variety of colour-coded stages, Doug Ford further confuses the entire province by behaving like he's in a Code Green area no matter what stage the location of that particular photo opp is actually in.
4. Doug Ford says Horwath's voice sounds like fingernails down the chalkboard to him but since he did provide thousands of women in the construction trades a rapid test the very next day so they could continue to work for his developer donors proves he's not a misogynist, folks.
5. Stephen Lecce says to help add extra layers of safety he plans to personally deliver a Glade Plug-in to each and every school in Ontario.
6. Lecce throws stones through classroom windows to improve public school ventilation.
7. Lecce uses 174,975 words to say nothing again.
8. Doug Ford's cabinet moves to have former OPC's MPP's salary changed to 500.00 a week. Ford says since Baber's no longer helping Ford's team mismanage the pandemic response Baber doesn't deserve a six-figure salary or access to the All-Stars' Egg Sandwich buffet every morning.
9. Ontario government invests $2.5M in development of wearable tech which will alert wearers to a breach of the six foot physical distancing protocol with a recording of Doug Ford saying, "Hey, my friend, you're standing too close. Wayyy too loosey-goosey! Come on. Cut it out!"
10. Pierre Poilievre starts new role as Jobs critic for the CPC. In his first statement in the role, Poilievre says jobs are important because without jobs people wouldn't be paying taxes and without taxes he wouldn't be paid and would have to go out and get his first real job.
11. Infectious disease experts saying the positivity rate has inched up and variant cases are growing in Alberta. Jason Kenney says he has no plans to delay reopening, unless a lot people start getting sick again, which history has proven only happens always with re-openings.
12. Erin O'Toole says he wasn't born to be a politician even though his father was a career politician, and says his time in the RCAF when it was not the RCAF proves you can trust him to be for the working people, whom he often employs now to mow the lawn at Stornoway.
13. O'Toole says Trudeau's refusal to wear a COVID mask with "I ♥️ Keystone XL" printed on it proves Trudeau is anti jobs.
14. Jason Kenney says, if it's not ethical Alberta oil you're buying, you're clearly supporting a non-Albertan dictatorship.
15. O'Toole says when he rolls up his sleeves to get to work it's different than when Trudeau rolls up his sleeves because Erin was in the RCAF.
16. Trudeau pokes the CPC hornets' nest and gets exactly the result he was looking for. Proving the CPC aren't just bad at memecraft.
17. Doug Ford says his government will expand protections for Green Belt so he can say he built a giant highway through a smaller percentage of it. That's it. That's the funny part.
18. With truckloads of vaccines now headed to Ontario, Doug's suddenly stopped saying he's ready.
19. Singh suggests Trudeau send military to every province to administer vaccines. O'Toole argues the military should only be used as a prop to make Erin look like a jet fighter war ace.
20. Texas freezes. Privatized gas lines frozen. Republicans blame wind turbines and bicycles.
21. Doug Ford says he attended Hazel McCallion's birthday party because he was wearing a red hockey jersey which made it clear which zone he was in and that's the safest way to go to parties during a pandemic.
22. Doug Ford announces Mayor McCheese to receive Order of Ontario.
23. Almost a year into this whole thing. Gotta admit, these days I'm feeling a bit done with it. But I keep reminding myself we've come this far, so no point in wasting all that hard work we've done, right?

Also, I think I forget how to socialize anyway.

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More from @mynamesnotgordy

14 Feb
Even though I tried to ignore Twitter this week but what I still learnt on the Twitter this week anyway:

1. While NFLD's government responds to a severe COVID outbreak with ninja-like pandemic management skills, Ontario's Premier promotes Tim Horton's new real egg sammich.
2. After Niagara's Chief Medical Officer receives death threats about the lockdown, Doug Ford tells constituents of Sam Oosterhoff's riding to "cut it out with the silly death threat shenanigans, you fun-loving supporters of mine!"
3. Doug Ford says people need to be able to work to earn a wage so he has to start opening the province but don't you dare leave your house to frequent these businesses employing people you shouldn't be exposing to Coe-Vedd. Also, get yourself a Timmie's scrumptious egg sammich.
Read 19 tweets
6 Feb
What I learnt on the Twitter this week:

1. Canada declares Proud Boys a terrorist group. In unrelated news Conservative politicians across Canada hastily scratch hundreds of names off their annual Christmas card lists.
2. Groundhogs predict six more months of rotating lockdowns.
3. During Facebook townhall, Jason Kenney urges Covid deniers in Alberta to stop believing Facebook conspiracy theory nonsense about the pandemic and instead focus their attention on the fact the US is attacking Alberta's O&G sector with Laurentian Elite space lasers.
4. Ford announces the best way to fight Coh-VEDD is to go to the country's busiest airport and take a big group selfie with healthcare workers.
5. O'Toole says "Ottawa" is at the root of all Canadian problems. Says this from his office in Ottawa. That's it. That's the funny part.
Read 15 tweets
30 Jan
What I learnt on the Twitter this week:

1. Trudeau announces mandatory testing for all arrivals at Canadian airports. An hour later Doug Ford announces mandatory testing at Pearson. Ford says Trudeau's tests will detect Covid - but not the dangerous Ontario strain, Coe-VEDD.
2. Kenney says Alberta is "under attack" by the US. Also reports Alberta targeted by Liberal space lasers for years.
3. Kenney declares Alberta coal to be fully organic, gluten and peanut-free.
4. CPC MPs wear I ♥️ O&G masks in HoC. Say coal-based filters work *cough* great.
5. Shandro argues UCP cabinet must meet in person instead of virtually because not all UCP MLAs know how to make their own lunch.
6. Ford says Ontario's chief doctor has to balance health, the economy, and fear of ying-yang firecrackers when making any pandemic-related decisions.
Read 13 tweets
23 Jan
What I learnt on the Twitter this week:

1. Doug Ford says if Pfizer doesn't step up, he'll drive a tractor-trailer full of firecrackers down to Kalamazoo to talk ying-yangs with Pfizer's CEO.
2. Joe Biden's first act as President is pouring himself a giant cup of Kenney tears.
3. Jason Kenney appears on the FOX News to plead his case for Keystone. Insiders say Kenney set to appear on The Weather Channel and The Jerry Springer Show sometime next week.
4. Kenney ends his Fox News interview by storming off set shouting, "Marica! Marcia! Marccciaaa!"
5. Bernie Sanders first man to land a lawn chair and wool mittens on the moon. Afterward he meets with The Beatles and then makes a guest appearance on Friends
6. Neither Biden nor Harris tweet anything incendiary or riddled with typos this week. 74 million Amurikuns confused.
Read 15 tweets
16 Jan
What I learnt on the Twitter this week:

1. Doug Ford declares State of Emergency. Says he doesn't understand what people don't understand about the rules. Either stay home or go to Walmart to buy essential cream cheese.
2. Ford announces his French lessons are going tray bueno.
3. Kenney announces Alberta will begin procuring their own vaccine because they only have most of the Fed's supply left now.
4. O'Toole announces he just doesn't know how to quit Ezra.
5. Freak storm in Morden, MB; MAGA hat kicked up in the wind; lands on Candace Bergen's head.
6. Canadian Conservative politicians and staffers mourn the loss of Parler which they have never heard of.
7. Kenney signs giant cardboard guarantee saying coal will be mined from Rockies without loss of a single acre of protected land unless it's accidentally delisted and sold.
Read 13 tweets
10 Jan
Some stuff I learnt because of a pandemic:

1. Some say a dog is man's best friend. I think it's canned tuna.
2. Ordering pants online is a 50/50 proposition at best.
3. Broccoli bonsai trees only sound good on paper.
4. Bad TV is okay. Like Spam when you haven't eaten in days.
5. If you get through all the levels of Netflix you don't get to record your initials or your high score at the end.
6. You wave at people more. Lots and lots of waving. Like Forrest Gump levels of waving.
7. It's true. That harmonica ain't gonna learn to play itself.
8. Don't name your dust bunnies. Just makes it harder on you when your vacuum cleaner Dave eats them. Horrific really.
9. If cabin fever's really getting to you. I mean really getting to you. Like you feel like a caged animal. Well, become a politician and take a vacation then.
Read 8 tweets

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