Thread by @mynamesnotgordy

What I've learnt after 11 months of pandemicking:

1. If you wax your car four times every week for a month your car will not be faster
2. Doug Ford's favourite things are Timmie's egg sammiches, Lays potato chips, McDonald's fries, Tim's Smile cookies, and Brian Lilley articles.

3. It takes an hour every day for two weeks to learn to juggle three balls. It takes a little longer to learn to play the saxophone.
4. It takes a Conservative politician six months to summon the courage to place a piece of fabric on their face
5. Being loosey-goosey is not cool.

6. Iron rings around LTCs are made of unicorn burps and fairy farts
7. The unemployment rate for kitchen junk drawers in Canada skyrocketed in 2020
8. If you hold your lighter up and flick it while watching a concert on YouTube be sure you're not standing under a smoke detector

9. Even after all this we do still care about what happens to famous golfers
10. Baking bread was 2020's most-watched spectator sport
11. Protection and safety come in layers. Which can be redoubled an infinite number of times. Especially if you package said layers with selfies.

12. Dust bunnies are cunning. Almost ninja-like, really.
13. Hanging around in the foreign foods section of Loblaws for hours at a time does not make you an international jetsetter. But one can dream.
14. You can get repetitive strain injury in your shoulder from excessive waving

15. People aren't fans of taking responsibility for their choices and actions. Especially the Yahoos, bad actors and BBQ people.
16. When people say "Things could always be worse" they are right. Conservative party leadership races prove this thesis.

17. If you live in a small town your courier guy is the same one every day. Mine's name is Dale. Dale and I plan to exchange Christmas cards this year. Maybe even enjoy a nice family BBQ.
18. "Unmute yourself!" is tough love
19. Free food samples at the store is 2021's lawn darts

20. Dogs think their decades of doing "You're leaving me all alone?" sad faces finally worked.
21. If they introduced Neighbourhood Walks as a new Olympic event, Canada would own the podium.
22. Extended bouts of social isolation can cause mental issues like loss of focus and

23. 'It is what it is' is a philosophy that works for exactly 327 days.
24. I have exactly 118 blessings. Trust me. They have been counted.
25. Given enough time, one can come to miss even their most annoying of friends and family. Unless they're CPC leaders or Comms people.

26. Canadians are so nice and thoughtful they pronounce CERB wrong because they know no one wants to be kicked to the curb.
27. Things are hard. But during times of war, people were known to hide under floors and in walls for months at a time. Us, we may reach the end of Netflix.

28. I can do six different voices. If I throw the three different accents I can do into the mix, I can have as many as 43 people talking to me at once
29. "How was your weekend?" is now officially the meanest thing you could ever ask someone.
30. Bad hair is the real pandemic

31. When my lockdown headspace gets really bad, I go out and sit in a snowbank for a half hour. Then I come back inside and thank the roof for being over my head, and the gin on the counter for sticking with me through all this. Then we invite the pretzels over for a party.

32. These days I even miss my ex. Proving context is everything
33. I hope after this is over we all manage to hold on to at least some of the simplicity we've had to adopt this past year. We really are the better for it.

Except for the saxophone thing.