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Barney Panofsky's Best Intentions

13 Mar, 14 tweets, 3 min read

What I learnt on the Twitter this week:

1. The UPC's Energy War Room takes on Netflix. War Room says animated Bigfoot has un-Albertan thoughts.
2. Ford government says pandemic-related death statistics "not relevant" because none of those people are Party donors anymore anyway.

3. Internal document shows Ford government decided some LTC virus control measures "cost too much." Turns out "iron ring" was actually used pool noodle
4. Lecce signs announcement about sign language programs. Translaters say later he just signed 'ostensibly' over and over again.

5. Doug Ford releases long-awaited sequel to 2020's 'Doug Bakes!' video. 'Gardening with Doug' demonstrates dangers of planting petunias too close together during a pandemic. Also, safe moped riding across front lawn practices are shared. Rotten Tomatoes gives film 5 gaslights.

6. Hillier says ON's online vaccination scheduler designed to prevent double bookings. But says it doesn't always work so please don't double book. That's it. That's the funny part.
7. Ontario's new vaccination scheduler to be launched Monday after 12 minutes of extensive testing

8. Ontario Drs out of the loop on their role with vaccination rollout. Hillier says many tabletop exercises have been conducted and therefore mumbo-jumbo-look-squirrel!
9. Ford hits the Coe-Vedd "emergency break" on Sudbury. Says big nickel statue must be protected at all costs.

10. Doug Ford apologizes to NDP MPP Sol Mamakwa for "line jumping" accusation during Question Period. Ford says he didn't realize Indigenous people actually have their own communities and will look into to visiting one once he's done campaigning in the Niagara Region next year.

11. Lethbridge police chief says police who stalked NDP MLA will be judged by Gawd. In related news, thousands of Lethbridgers tear up traffic tickets, saying they'll pay their fines at the Pearly Gates.
12. Jason Kenney "sort of did know" Chief of Staff was going to UK for Xmas.

13. Ontario rolls out AstraZeneca vaccinations to all Ontarians born between 1951 and purple.
14. Ford government announces it's vaccinated a million Ontarians with vaccines they have yet to receive from the Feds.
15. UCP sets new record for people vaccinated on March 5, 2021.

16. Erin O'Toole's handlers forget to wipe his nose before press conference. That's it. That's the funny part.
17. Poilievre proudly tweets article calling him a very skilled "sh*t distruber." Poilievre finally gets chance to update his LinkedIn profile: "Expert poop flinger."

18. Doug Ford says he's ramming through donor-favouring MZOs because Ontarians need affordable housing and a new Amazon warehouse built on environmentally significant wetlands will motivate Ontarians to work harder to achieve their dreams of owning an affordable house in Wawa.

19. O'Toole and Singh still outraged about Trudeau calling a spring election they imagine he maybe once thought about.
20. Stephen Harper hints he may make move to replace O'Toole. Proving the CPC are ready for progressive change, since Harper will buy new sweater vest to run.

21. Canada celebrates one-year anniversary of pandemic by Rolling Up to Win a timbit.
22. With spring springing and more and more people being vaccinated across the country, Canadian pants are now being dug out of closets and being slowly reintroduced to fresh air and sunlight.

23. Tried to not look at the Twitter much this week. Wanted to not be bummed out. But then I heard Doug released that Gardening with Doug video and I just had to look. It did not disappoint. He calls his buddy "Grimesey". Proving Doug is in fact the Premier of Letterkenny.

24. We spring ahead tonight. Good and bad news. Bad news - we lose an hour of sleep. Good news - one less hour of Doug Ford this month.
25. Looks like a tasty day out there. Time for me to turn this up to 11 and go pave over my back yard in honour of Doug.

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More from @mynamesnotgordy

Barney Panofsky's Best Intentions

@mynamesnotgordy

7 Mar

What I learnt on the Twitter this week:

1. The key to Ontario's economic recovery is hair salons in Vaughan.
2. The key to Alberta's economic recovery is lowering wages and cutting jobs, not taking money out of people's pockets with a sales tax.

3. Ontario set vaccination records this week while having no vaccines in the freezers because of Trudeau
4. Federal Conservatives outraged about all the money Trudeau spending on Canada and provincial Conservatives demand Trudeau send more money. That's it. That's the funny part.

5. In February, Conservatives demand the Feds deliver vaccines. In March they demand the Feds deliver the Kielburgers. CPC insiders say in April they'll be demanding Trudeau cancel The Beachcombers.
6. Conservatives outraged Dr Seuss is being cancelled and demand CBC be closed.

Read 14 tweets

Barney Panofsky's Best Intentions

@mynamesnotgordy

28 Feb

What I've learnt after 11 months of pandemicking:

1. If you wax your car four times every week for a month your car will not be faster
2. Doug Ford's favourite things are Timmie's egg sammiches, Lays potato chips, McDonald's fries, Tim's Smile cookies, and Brian Lilley articles.

3. It takes an hour every day for two weeks to learn to juggle three balls. It takes a little longer to learn to play the saxophone.
4. It takes a Conservative politician six months to summon the courage to place a piece of fabric on their face
5. Being loosey-goosey is not cool.

6. Iron rings around LTCs are made of unicorn burps and fairy farts
7. The unemployment rate for kitchen junk drawers in Canada skyrocketed in 2020
8. If you hold your lighter up and flick it while watching a concert on YouTube be sure you're not standing under a smoke detector

Read 13 tweets

Barney Panofsky's Best Intentions

@mynamesnotgordy

21 Feb

What I learnt on the Twitter this week:

1. CPC MP Cheryl Gallant says she knows Trudeau started COVID because she used her special extraterrestrial CB radio to make contact with alternate universes which told her Trudeau caused lockdowns to make his drive to the cottage easier.

2. Erin O'Toole states repeatedly he was in RCAF, when he was not. O'Toole says he *did* write his RCAF's Insurance Brokers licencing exam after he left the Canadian Armed Forces' Air Command, but he moved after that and his RCAF Insurance Broker's licence was lost in the mail.

3. With all of Ontario moved out of a province-wide lockdown and back into a variety of colour-coded stages, Doug Ford further confuses the entire province by behaving like he's in a Code Green area no matter what stage the location of that particular photo opp is actually in.

Read 16 tweets

Barney Panofsky's Best Intentions

@mynamesnotgordy

14 Feb

Even though I tried to ignore Twitter this week but what I still learnt on the Twitter this week anyway:

1. While NFLD's government responds to a severe COVID outbreak with ninja-like pandemic management skills, Ontario's Premier promotes Tim Horton's new real egg sammich.

2. After Niagara's Chief Medical Officer receives death threats about the lockdown, Doug Ford tells constituents of Sam Oosterhoff's riding to "cut it out with the silly death threat shenanigans, you fun-loving supporters of mine!"

3. Doug Ford says people need to be able to work to earn a wage so he has to start opening the province but don't you dare leave your house to frequent these businesses employing people you shouldn't be exposing to Coe-Vedd. Also, get yourself a Timmie's scrumptious egg sammich.

Read 19 tweets

Barney Panofsky's Best Intentions

@mynamesnotgordy

6 Feb

What I learnt on the Twitter this week:

1. Canada declares Proud Boys a terrorist group. In unrelated news Conservative politicians across Canada hastily scratch hundreds of names off their annual Christmas card lists.
2. Groundhogs predict six more months of rotating lockdowns.

3. During Facebook townhall, Jason Kenney urges Covid deniers in Alberta to stop believing Facebook conspiracy theory nonsense about the pandemic and instead focus their attention on the fact the US is attacking Alberta's O&G sector with Laurentian Elite space lasers.

4. Ford announces the best way to fight Coh-VEDD is to go to the country's busiest airport and take a big group selfie with healthcare workers.
5. O'Toole says "Ottawa" is at the root of all Canadian problems. Says this from his office in Ottawa. That's it. That's the funny part.

Read 15 tweets

Barney Panofsky's Best Intentions

@mynamesnotgordy

30 Jan

What I learnt on the Twitter this week:

1. Trudeau announces mandatory testing for all arrivals at Canadian airports. An hour later Doug Ford announces mandatory testing at Pearson. Ford says Trudeau's tests will detect Covid - but not the dangerous Ontario strain, Coe-VEDD.

2. Kenney says Alberta is "under attack" by the US. Also reports Alberta targeted by Liberal space lasers for years.
3. Kenney declares Alberta coal to be fully organic, gluten and peanut-free.
4. CPC MPs wear I ♥️ O&G masks in HoC. Say coal-based filters work *cough* great.

5. Shandro argues UCP cabinet must meet in person instead of virtually because not all UCP MLAs know how to make their own lunch.
6. Ford says Ontario's chief doctor has to balance health, the economy, and fear of ying-yang firecrackers when making any pandemic-related decisions.

Read 13 tweets

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