Thread by @thinkingautism

Hey Parents of Autistic Kids: Here Are Five Big, Avoidable Mistakes! A thread based on a TPGA post by @shannonrosa, parent of an autistic now-adult:

thinkingautismguide.com/2017/04/hey-pa…

#AutismAcceptanceMonth
#neurodiversity

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As I have become increasingly devoted to 'learn from my mistakes, so you don't repeat my mistakes,' here are five bonks I made during the early years of parenting my autistic son, and how you can avoid repeating my fails.

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If you're the parent of an autistic kid, you probably get advice thrown at your head from every angle, all day long. You may even be all done with advice. And I hear you, because I am you. 3/

But I also have had the great good fortune to be connected with some of the most insightful autistic and autism professionals and thinkers on this planet, who have transformed my parenting approach completely, and to the benefit of my autistic son, as well as myself. 4/

Here are five things parents of autistic kids need to try to avoid, if you truly want to help your kids thrive:

1) Focusing on Awareness Instead of Acceptance.



Autism acceptance wasn't a thing in the American culture in which I was both raised and taught to parent. 5/

Americans tend to think of autism & disability as either other people's problems, The Worst Thing That Could Ever Happen to a Family, or grist for arguments that non-disabled people should appreciate their special non-disabled lives. 6/

Even respected progressive media outlets tend to take unexaminedly ableist stances on the experiences of autistic people and their lives. (Examples: theestablishment.co/how-the-progre…)

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Parents like me are told we need to focus on building awareness, which means opening other people's minds to the concept that autistic people like my son exist. Which would be fine, if awareness also came with the benefits of respect and understanding. 8/

But it doesn't. “Autism Awareness" lets people think it's OK say ignorant things like, "Oh, I heard you can cure autism with a bleach enema," or "I'm so sorry about your son's autism epidemic," or even "Aren't autistic people all violent psychopaths?” >:(

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#AutismAwareness underlies misunderstandings such as assuming autistic people are either all children—or remain “children" for life. 10/

#AutismAwareness thus leads to autism efforts that neither include nor consult autistic people, & parents or professionals feeling entitled to able-splain "what autism is REALLY like" to… autistic people.

These too-common results of “awareness' are the opposite of helpful. 11/

#AutismAwareness doesn't prevent innocent autistic ppl like toy truck-holder Arnaldo Rios from being mistaken for a gunman, nor does it prevent professionals like Arnaldo's caregiver Charles Kinsey from being shot by police for comforting an upset autistic person while Black. 12/

The above are just a few reasons why parents need to work on #AutismAcceptance, on helping not just our own selves but the whole damn world understand this truth: our autistic children are REAL human beings with REAL needs who deserve REAL respect. 13/

Real acceptance means supporting our autistic kids without being hellbent on "fixing" them, & being aware that our "thoughts about a person, our disappointment in them or even our wishes for them to get better, shoot out of us like lasers & can change their very insides.”

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#AutismAcceptance means rejecting the idea that there's a "normal" child trapped inside your autistic child, for the sake of your child's health, heart, and soul—as well as your own.

It is reasonable to want your child’s life to be easier, and work towards that, instead. 15/

#AutismAcceptance means it is reasonable to work on building skills for better coping with people and situations that are rarely considerate of autistic needs.

But if you have an autistic child, it isn't realistic or healthy to expect them to not be autistic.



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#AutismAcceptance obstruction No. 2: Parents Obsessing Over "Age-Appropriate" Interests

for their autistic kids.

It should be fine and dandy for autistic people (or indeed anyone) to like what they like, as long as they're not hurting anyone.

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Unfortunately, when it comes to autism, things people really really like tend to be viewed solely through the lens of disability, if not pathology: what might be viewed in a non-autistic person as a passion becomes an "autistic special interest.” 18/

And woe to the autistic person whose passions are seen as only appropriate for younger people!



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This is part of that #AutismAcceptance mindset again: Parents need to jettison worries about autistic kids' interests being age-appropriate and focus on what, for your child, is HAPPINESS-appropriate.

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Otherwise, by rejecting your autistic child’s interests and passions, you'll not only make your child sad and possibly even miserable, but you could be destroying opportunities to connect with them.

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#AutismAcceptance parent mistake No. 3: Making Everything Therapeutic. Even Fun Things.



Please don’t do this to your child. One example of why:

https://twitter.com/autisticb4mmr/status/1380205281662013441

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We parents need to be really careful to distinguish between "this thing is making my kid be the person I want them to be but they aren't" & "this thing is making my kid happy & making it easier to do things that are hard for them." Let your autistic kids have fun, people!

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#AutismAcceptance avoidable parenting bonk No. 4: Assuming Speaking Is the Only Form of Legitimate Communication



This is an intense one. And one that makes me so sad.

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I hear from and read accounts from parents nearly every day, talking about their "non-verbal" kids, about how speech therapy never worked, about how they can't reach their kids and how it makes those parents so sad.



I'm guessing it makes their kids even sadder.

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Too many autistic kids have never been given communication options other than oral speech. This is counter-productive because not only can everyone communicate (even if it's as basic as yes/no, or even just "no") when given the right tools to do so…

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…many autistic people have motor planning or related disabilities that make it hard to speak or respond appropriately, even if they understand everything being said to them.

So if your kid needs communication support, press HARD for alternative communication options (AAC). 27/

If your local resources or school district don't know where to start, send them to @Communica1st or teachingunicorn.com —people dedicated to best practices for Augmentative and Alternative Communication (AAC), and resources you should read through yourself, for ideas.

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#AutismAcceptance parenting roadblock No. 5: Buying Into the Stereotype That Autistic Kids Aren’t Empathetic or Social



It is *extraordinarily* damaging to treat autistic people as emotion-free, antisocial robots. 29/

As Louise Milligan notes,
"The idea that people on the autism spectrum don’t know or care about other people is offensive and wrong. It makes their ability to navigate a path through this world so very vexed.”
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More Louise Milligan on misperceptions of autistic people:
"Let’s be very clear: how people with autism might appear in company and what they know or think about, or care about, are quite distinct things.”

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And this goes back to that #AutismAcceptance concept: If you understand that being with other people can be challenging for an autistic child because social cues are confusing…

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…and the world is filled with “light, colors and noises so intense” that your #autistic child can't think, let alone interact—then you're more likely to stop confusing inability to handle socialization under stressful circumstances with dislike for other people. 33/

(Though, to be fair, as with non-autistic people, some autistic people do prefer their own company.)



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How can you get it parenting an autistic child right? Well, I recommend #AutismAcceptance, as you might suspect by this point.

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But also: Love your autistic kid. Let your kid KNOW you love them, and are on their side—no matter how badly the rest of the world behaves.

#AutismAcceptance
#AutismAcceptanceMonth
#neurodiversity

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Let your autistic child know they can always depend on you, that you accept & adore them, and that anyone who doesn't feel the same way just needs to catch up. Because if we all work hard enough on that #AutismAcceptance thing ... maybe everyone else actually WILL catch up. 37/37