Thread by @Soundsaboutrig4

Okay. Starting my live stream review of the 2000 film The Patriot. It’s a British comedy that makes fun of America’s Brexit.

It stars Mel Gibson, the inventor of guitars and main voice character in certain audio tapes.

Let’s go #MelGuitar #4thofJuly #BBQ #Civilians #joker

Oh, god. It starts out with him talking about religion. Not a great sign.

Wait. This is the Postman?? Sesame Street? Make up your mind.

Huh. Southern plantation owner who has free POC he pays.

Buuuuullllllssshhhiiiiiittttttt.

Wait. It’s antiques roadshow now?

Oh. Man. This Joker origin story is starting in a weird place.

Wait. Independence Day was in 1776??? I thought it was 1996

Kids today only care about the mail. Back in my day we only had cave paintings

Uh. When did this become an army recutting ad?

TIL there we no slaves in South Carolina in 1776.

Gibson’s character wants to bang his dead wife’s sister. I’ve seen porns start this way.

Why are they celebrating 4th of July in 1776? We all know Patriotism didn’t exist until the GOP was created.

Oh, shit. It’s got hot political arguments. That went well in Phantom Menace.

Mass of two shits? Oh. Massachusetts.

Why is Jane such a stuff shirt?

Gibson is a simp for King George.

Benjamin is his name. I’ll never call him that again

Gibson is simping hard.

Lots of talking and no nudity. How boring.

Huh. People are shooting guns into the air. Definitely 4th of July.

We get it. Gibson is a cuck.

Oh, god. Voice over summation. Something about Corn Walls and Plantains.

Hahaha. These morons stand in a line to get shot by muskets. Fuckkkk that.

Wait. Where are the assault rifles that the second amendment talks about?

Way to read to your little@sisters your brother talking about death and fear. What an asshole.

Oh. Gibson is a Kansas City Chiefs’ fan.

This is why you have weapon locks, Mel.

Huh. Mel dreads telling his son about sexual that, instead, he has the “Going off to die in a war against a much more powerful enemy” talk.

He made the right choice.

Uh. This has a joke about the British ravaging his young sisters. Is his name Epstein?

Joker’s origin story begins.

The dragoons prove why Galaxy Quest was right.

People back then thought muskets were T-Rexs. If you didn’t move, it couldn’t see you. They were wrong.

Holy Shit. Field of Dreams. Except instead of a poignant moment with your dad, it’s the British coming to fuck you up.

Americans colonists pissed that the British treat them as the Americans would treat others.

Oh. It’s Lucius Malfoy. He’s gonna Avada Kedavra Gibson’s shit.

Hahaha. Gibson’s character not being a slave owner is the biggest lie in this movie. A movie full of bullshit.

Guess they thought it’d make him less sympathetic. They misunderstood around 71 million Americans.

Lucius is kinda a dick.

Hey. They violating the third amendment. Come on. That’s not cool just because the Bill of Rights is over a decade from being made.

Thomas got got. Gibson got slo mo

Uh. Apparently Gibson doesn’t know how to team resurrect. Lame.

Holy shit. Gibson is pissed. He’s gonna leave a nasty voicemail for Lucius. Definitely going to go over the line.

Brits committing war crimes, but the real crime is the crime against fashion that one guy’s outfit instigates.

Gibson gonna rage quit his loyalty to Britain.

“Tools. I need my tools!!”

Gibson is Dennis.

Gibson about to “Shot Heard Round The World” some Redcoats.

Uh. Gibson is telling his kids to off people. This will psychologically fuck them up forever.

They will need therapy. Sadly, it won’t be invented for like another 80 years.

Oh. Look. Someone asking god to help them murder people. Yep. This dude is a Southern plantation owner.

Haha. They really need to fix the British Officer programming. They hear gunfire and just keep going like it’s a Sunday Stroll.

Okay. Wtf. Gibson is using cheats. He has infinite ammo and fast reload set up. As well as speed and wall hacks.

Ugh. Gibson is just showing off with his melee attacks.

Gibson is a shitty axe throw. That was nowhere near The apple on the Joker’s head.

Dude is straight up butchering people in front of his small kids. He is like Tommy Jarvising them.

Holy fuck. Gibson has ruined the lives of his children. They just watched their dad serial kill.

Is this Evil Dead?

Gibson didn’t even kill everyone. Maybe if you spent more time checking the bodies and less time axing some dude for twenty minutes they wouldn’t know what happened.

Wait. There are ghosts?? Too spooky for me!!

Jane was really into government oppression before he found Mal and the Firefly.

I bet this woman says her servants aren’t slaves, either. Liessss!

Holy shit. Gibson’s kids loves that they murdered people. It’s a family of liars and serial killers.

Now he’s going to go from his kids talking about murder to getting hot for his dead wife’s sister. And they all get off on the killings.

THIS MOVIE IS FUCKED UP!!!!

Oh, shit. Bill Gates was an American Brexit general!!

The Joker wants to leave his fucked up family. I don’t blame him. The Joker was the good one. WTF!!

Gibson is pissed the Joker is left. Then he abandons his kids to go murder people.

Send your kids to therapy, asshole!! Maybe then your youngest would speak.

Everyone in that family is broken.

Joker gets a great view of a battlefield.

This music slams. Gotta say this marching band competition is intense.

USA! USA!

More idiots standing so they can be shot. Lay down!!!!

Gibson talks shit about Bill Gates.

Cannons to the left of me. Cannons to the ri…

Holy fuck that dude’s head was blown away. This is the most fucked up marching band competition ever.

General Corn Walls talks shit. Big talk coming from a man wearing a white wig.

Subtle commentary with that flag on the ground as an injured soldier calls it a lost cause. I mean. Subtle. Subtle like a dildo that’s on fire.

Okay. Gotta take a break.

Back. Homer Hickam’s dad from October Sky was sent back in time to fight the British.

Hey. Way to talk shit about the French. The god damn people who ARE WHY WE WON. So. Yeah. Shit all over the people who gave us money and supplies and military support. But. Yeah. Make your snide comments, dick.

Hey. It’s that dude from Wing Commander.

Wait. I was told a well regulated militia was why we won, but Gibson is shitting all over them.

Holy crap. Gibson just became the owner of KFC. He’s the colonel!

Gibson makes his kid fight under him so he can watch him kill people. Weird family.

More shit talking the frogs. Wtf.

Evil music. Means the British are around.

General Corn Walls gets off on looking at maps.

General Corn Walls will act like a gentleman like most dbags do. Only while they think they have a chance. Once he realizes America isn’t into him, he turns into a real pile of shit. General Corn Walls was the first incel.

God. All the British do is prattle about class structure.

Bunch of hung people. Wait. Hanged? Hanged.

Proper fucked. There.

Big surprise an American uses a church to spread propaganda. Tax those fuckers.

Hahaha. I like how they have a woman talking about freedom when she was seen as property. Wtf movie. Way to continue to push your bullshit.

By the way. She’s emasculating the fuckkkk out of these church cucks. It’s getting the Joker hot.

“Be so god damn Christian that you go and shoot people.”

Uplifting music. Means they’re American.

Joker is trying to court Queen Anne’s Lace.

Uh. Are they making a fucking joke with that half-deaf dude??

Haha. The preacher goes to kill people. Just like Jesus taught. “Blessed are those who fight because rich, white men didn’t want to pay taxes.”

Haha. They make like everyone was a Patriot back when. Absolute nonsense. Most people didn’t give a fuck.

White dude using a POC to do his fighting. Big …mother fucker is talking mad shit. What an assho…

Oh. Fuck off. Gibson would have been a slave owner. Stop pretending like he would treat a POC as an equal.

It’s Kane from Kuffs!

They’re in a swamp. A place known for not giving diseases back when.

And Gibson is using his kid’s toys for bullets to kill the…there’s some fucked up shit here.

Way to have a cross behind him as he makes bullets to kill.

Training montage mother fucke…never mind. They trained for a day and then become perfect shots.

Ambush!!!!!

Corn Walls is piss…how the fuck do they know it’s Gibson who ambushed when they killed everyone??

Look. War crimes.

These people are our heroes????

Wtf did Gibson do at Fort Wilderness. That’s a Disney hotel. Did…did he slaughter people at Disney????

Lord Corn Wall’s dogs are cute. I bet they won’t be used in a funny moment.

Joker is making his outfit. “I ever tell you how I got these stars??”

More people acting like they would treat a POC like an equal. Talking about freedom. What bullshit.

Haha. Talking about equality to a slave. Way to go, Joker.

Gibson hates books.

Oh, god. Gibson is talking about the seven deadly sins as he drinks.

Rich assholes dressed like assholes who laugh like assholes while eating like assholes.

Hahaha. Lord Corn Walls doesn’t want to stay in South Carolina. Welcome to opinion of the majority.

Haha. General Corn Walls was a blogger. What kind of asshole does…fuck.

Corn Wall is pissed at Malfoy because he wants to leave South Carolina.

Shit. Corn Walls is John Wick. They took his dogs!!

Boat go boom boom.

Malfoy drinks when he realizes he has to stay in South Carolina.

More jokes at the expense at a half-deaf man.

He truly is the Joker. And the dad is excited the Joker is gonna plow his daughter.

Uh. Is this some kind of kink to tie him down. What’s his safe word? Scars?

He could still totally bang her…uh god. He’s bleeding from his gums.

Dude listening to his daughter get plowed.

Trumper talking shit and mad about POC getting paid and freedom.

How is this only halfway over. I need more bourbon.

Way to normalize violence for your son.

Ya like dahhgggsss?

Happy music. Means they’re Americans.

Ugh. Dude is grinning that he banged a chick in front of his dad. Weird as shit.

Uh. Apparently Gibson saw Men in Tights and wants a toll.

British guy is arrogant. How original.

Holy shit. That wagon was a clown car.

Bullets can’t catch hero.

Look. Trumper being saved by a POC. In real life this wouldn’t change anything. He’d just say that one POC was “one of the good ones.”

See. This is what happens when you ambush all the time. They ambush back. You don’t get to whine when they do to you and yours what you did to them.

Typical American exceptionalism.

Big surprise. First sign of t…

Stop talking shit about the French. They’re why we won.

Oh, shit. Campfire stories. Is this Are You Afraid of the Dark?

Haha. Acting like the British didn’t start the French and Indian war. Keep whitewashing.

God dammit. I could have said “White Washington” and pinned about Washington’s role in starting that war. I suck.

Gibson bragging about slaughtering. Not killing. Butchering them. Torturing them.

Your hero, folks. A man who loves to kill slowly.

Justifying brutality. Doesn’t get more American.

“I ask for God’s forgiveness about killing people, but I keep doing it. Yeah. I’m a sick.”

Boring lamenting scene.

The men are well hung. Did I switch to a porno again???

Write he letter first, preacher. Praying can wait.

Corn Walls loveeesss dags.

White flag? I prefer black flag.

Way to add blasphemy to your script. Implying Gibson is part of the Holy Trinity.

Antiques roadshow again. Haha. It’s funny he’s sitting down like that after talking about slaughtering!!

Corn Walls was the original “asshole who names their dogs dumb fuck names.”

Jupiter. Mars? Come on. Why not “Lord Wolfingham” and “Baron Von Paws??”

So you’re saying dogs are only loyal to Americans????

You know who he is. He’s the colonel. He makes chicken.

Oh. Look at you doing procedure. As if that stopped you from committing war crimes.

Are they playing Risk?

Gibson wants his cake and to eat it, too.

“I want you to act civilized, but I get to be a monster.”

A literal prisoner’s dilemma. Corn Walls is dumb as shit.

Hahaha. A literal strawman argument.

“And a partridge in a pear treeeeeeeee!!”

That’s their problem. They’re using exchange and not gmail.

Gibson is eyefucking Malfoy. I understand.

“This is Madness!”

How is there so much more to go??

Malfoy trying to start shit about Harry Potter.

Hahaha. He just Takened Malfoy.

Ya like dags??!

See. Strawman argument. Corn Walls is pissed.

Shit. Corn Walls is Caponing it.

British bad. American good. Even when both sides are doing evil shit n

I alone?

That’s the magic phrase for our music intermission!!

Malfoy wants Ohio. No one has ever wanted Ohio.

Jane betrayed Gibson like he’s Mal.

They even call it a plantation, but they’re paid servants? Fuckkkkk youuuuu!!!

They’re coming to take you away ha ha. They’re coming to take you away ho ho

Sure. When I go into a house with a burning torch and a gun, I’m seen as an intruder. When they do it, they loyalists to the crown.

Spurs? Does he have chaps on??

Gee. They’re not editing this in a manipulative way.

Fire! Fire! Fire!

Big surprise that the white people leave the POC to be murdered by the authorities.

The Brits are stormtroopers now that the plot relevant people are there.

Oh, shit. This chick about to scream about not being hungry again.

You left your kids for months so you could get off on killing.

Daughter rightly hates him.

Like everyone else, they realize that living at the beach suckksss. Sand up in every crevice.

Gibson laments not being there for kid he could easily be there for.

Oops. Evil music. Brits are involved.

Dude. What did you except would happen giving your kid that weapon.

Uh. John needs therapy, but toxic masculinity prevents him from seeking the help he needed.

Haha. No one cares that dude just offed himself.

Wait. They’re given furries? Fur hos? What’s a fur ho?

Queen Anne’s Lace is thirsty for that guitar if you know what I mean.

Storm is there. @Q__talk and you said it’d never arrive!!

Way to stab fish for fun and not food. Dicks.

This movie is never going to end.

More talking about Gibson plowing Joker’s mom in front of Joker.

Joker got married. We’re getting close to how he got those scars.

Like all wedding receptions, it’s boring as fuck when not drunk. Skip.

Just shoot me.

How did people like this?????

Make it end already. I’m going insane.

Hey. A reunion after their fur hos.

Stop shitting on the French.

Haha. Evil music. These people are fucked.

Jane is the loyalist. Stop acting like he’s the traitor.

More politics in church.

Haha. Sold out and still out proper fucked.

Gee. This British guy is super evil.

The church better have fire insurance or the preacher is gonna be pissseeedddd.

Even a burning church is boring at this point.

Oh, shit. Joker is pissed his wife was brutally murdered. He’s totally going to Wyatt Earp…never mind.

Hey. Joker. Why so serious…ly injured?

I am losing my god damn mind.

I just realized that Joker got Rufioed

Hey. Preacher. Maybe you shouldn’t have brought up politics in your church.

Gibson apparently decided to take a leisurely stroll because he spotted his son missing after like ten seconds. He arrived minutes after the fight.

Did he stop and smell the roses???!!

“Sorry, Joker. There was a geranium that looked like it needed some water. Hey. How did you get that scar in your stomach??”

Gibson cries as well as Dawson.

Blue coloring with blue music with a blue man being blue about his blued up family.

Haha. Fuck off with this “Why do mean feel like they can justify death.”

That’s all you did.

Oh. Right.

Gibson was fine with losing one kid. When he lost the Joker? I gotta quit. What happens after the third dies? Slaughter again?

Haha. Homer Hickam’s dad is saying hodl.

Hahaha. He found the fucking flag and that’s why he’ll fight. Fuckkk you. Fuck this.

This movie like

Yeah. Because one asshole with a flag is going to matter when you assholes just stand and deliver your face to a cannon.

Fuckkkk. They’re just doing this.

General Green? Don’t you mean Mr Green? Where the fuck is Colonel Mustard? Wait. Was he busy sleeping with Mr Green’s wife while Professor Plum watched?

Even this movie agrees the militia is useless.

Rousing speech. “Fire twice and fuck off.”

Oh. Look. Instead of keeping his kids toy as a momento, he uses it to kill more unnamed Brits

This shit is almost over.

Holy shit. It’s Johnny Tremain.

Way to March and stand in lines like assholes.

Except you militia. You just walk around like you’re searching for pennies.

More cannons. What is this. A concert night for Pachelbel?

He wrote a letter to his kids.

I bet it read “You look like a fucking bitch in heat.” Then a bunch of slurs.

Ending it with “remember to kill a lot. I love that shit!”

Oh. Look. The racist isn’t as racist. He’s better than most Trumpers.

Oh, shit. It’s like that Monty Python scene

Right now:

Wait. Wait wait. Fucking wait wait wait wait wait.

Mother fucker. You have fought and killed with this French guy for a year and you haven’t asked about his family once until now??????!!!!!

Fuckkkkk you!!!

Men. Stand still and get shot. That’s how we win!!

Hahaha. Corn Walls is like:

More marching to their death like assholes.

Where’s the Irish guy saying “The Lord says he can get me out of this, but he’s pretty sure you’re fucked!”

Man. Fuck standing. Lay down and shoot.

Militia like

Calvary is here, boys!

Now you lay down?

Way to not scout at all, Brits.

Uplifting music means the Americans are slaughtering the Brits.

This fucking movie

Way to stand still to die.

Why are they charging everything? Is this a reference to the continental armies lack of funding and the fact most colonial merchants saw the cash as worthless??

Oh, shit. Final confrontation!

Never mind. He has to rally his troops.

Did you know the flag was the mightiest weapon ever????!!

Corn Wall has just been sitting on his ass. Was he distracted by Downtown Abbey??

Their flank. As in steak??

This fucking movie.

This god damn movie.

Fuck you.

Hey. Way to waste your kid’s last toy soldier. A lifetime memento on a flesh wound.

Axe vs sword. The oldest rivalry since pods and vinegar.

Piss*

Brits like

They are doing slo mo celebration. Why make this take longer.

Holy shit. Corn Walls was stuck inside a Yorkshire Peppermint Patti.

Stop shitting on the French. They were supporting us the whole time.

“Viva La Liberty to white men. Fuck everyone else”

Corn Walls like:

“A new nation of freedom. Tell my kids, especially my daughter, freedom is here. Also. Remind her she is property according to the law.”

“Hey. We named our kid after your dead kid. Hope you like it.”

End already. Fucking end.

Oh. Back to your plantation where your friends are rebuilding it. Bullshit. You’d have used your slaves. Asshole.

The end. Fucking finally. I hate me. I hate everything.

Final thoughts. Remember that the American Brexit was to give everyone freedom. Well. Everyone who is a white male. The rest of you can go fuck yourselves.

I’m out.

I god damn did it. I hate myself now. I have looked into the abyss and it looked back.

Recruiting*