Happy #4thofJuly

And welcome to my live review of Independence Day review.

Starring Will Fletcher, Bill Pushboy, Jeff Silverplum, Vivica “Fair and Balanced” News, and Randy Quailman.

This is about the founding of our country in 1996.

Enjoy. Or not. It’s everyone’s ID today!
Starts out on the set of the moon landing. Where they have the cuck globalist earth projected as if it’s not flat.
Oh, god. It’s Contact.
Some nerd is listening to Morse code from ET.

Apparently no one noticed the mile long spaceships in space. They had to hear their midi signal.
Space Force was said to be a bad idea. Who’s a moron now!
I like how the space ship doesn’t have any gravitational pull even though it’s the mass of the moon.
Skip president making a creepy joke. It’s like it’s 2019.
President mopes about White House in a robe. Uh. No.
President gets shat all over.
Jeff Goldblum is a brilliant hippie playing chess with a Taxi Driver.
Background. Skip!
Jeff rides a bike and recycles. We get it. He loves the environment.
Trailer Park Drama.
Randy Quaid plays a mentally unstable person who is erratic and screws up everything while lamenting his Golden past.

I’m sure this has no current commentary about things.
Oh god. Hey sound like cicadas
Hunt for Red Imagery
News report doesn’t once blame democrats for alien invasion. Very unbelievable.
President is a total cuck.

More “The aliens are here”

Jeff is distracted by patterns.
Haha. White House tells people to calm down. From an alien invasion. Screw that. I’d panic.
Randy Quaid’s agent is yelling at him I think.
Haha. Washington Monument has a dick shape.
“Our Ships Shall Blot Out the Sun!”
Finally we get Will Smith. He watches his neighbors do some white flight.
Vivica is awesome.
Will finally notices a ship the size of DTLA.
Hey. Jaws shot.
Jeff realizes we’re fucked.
Haha. I bet shitty cities feel jealous that their crap hole town doesn’t get a ship. Cincinnati is like “Why aren’t we good enough.”
Jeff tries to convince people he’s not crazy. Uh. Life finds a way.
Chaos as people panic. Uh. Yeah. That sounds about right.
Blah blah blah.

Jeff’s dad is the retired taxi driver who just shits all@over his son.
Randy Quaid is Quaiding it up.
Haha. This dude is trying to use an alien invasion to bang.

Definitely male.
Will Smith is friends with Harry Cognac Jr.
They have time@for this crap during an alien invasion.
No one paying attention during a strip club during the day. This makes sense.
Vivica’s friend looks familiar. I think I follow her on Twitter.
Jeff uses bullshit tech to tech it up.
Haha. During an invasion pundits are still pieces of shit. This is legit.
US thinks it can talk to aliens.
Jeff is at the White House. The president and him have fought each other. I’d pay to watch that.
They have time for this squabbling.
Jeff finally tells everyone about the alien MLM scam.
Jeff wrote a program to show a clock based on a pattern.
President finally evacs.

The US alien whisperers get fucked.
Hahaha. Crazy people having a party under the ship. This checks out.

The only thing that’s not modern is lack of live streaming.
Hot evac action
It’s so beauti…AHHHHHHHHHH!!
Hahaha. Some poor asshole was still working his terrible job during an alien invasion and died at work. That sucks.
So even with all this destruction, rent is still gonna be ridiculous in DTLA.
Apparently shockwaves don’t exist in this universe.
Vivica is running with her son while screaming about some old people. Just screaming “Boomer” like she’s on the leftist side of a protest.
Flames can’t move around corners or burn you from feet away.
Oh, shit. It’s Planet@of the Apes.
Big liberal cities destroyed. Fox and the right would celebrate and try to vote for the aliens in the next election.
People are sad because millions died. Again. This isn’t realistic if Covid is any indication.
I guarantee right wing media would call this a false flag.
Will and Cognac are goofing around after millions die.

Yeah. They’re 90s heroes.
Military thinks their shit made by Boeing and Lockheed will match alien tech that can do galactic travel.

Yeah. That about sums up our arrogance
More pep talk before everyone gets fucked by alien tech.
Wait. Aliens have technology we can’t defeat? Whhaaaaaaa???
Cognac gets proper fucked along with everyone but Will. Who keeps joking after his friends all die.
“I’ll try spinning. That’s a neat trick!!”
Will celebrates defeating one alien. All his friends are dead.
More yakking.
Oops. There’s Jeff getting motion sickness and doing a different kind of Yakking.
Background. Skip.
Dude thinks nukes will work. Alien tech with shields. Morons!
Man. His taxi driver dad lays down the law and makes them go to Area 69.
They’re off to Area 69. Let me tell you. Roswell smells like cow shit.
Rescue 9/11
🎶 I’ve been through the desert with an alien with no name 🎶
RVs to the rescue!
Area 69 has a secret research facility.
Bill wants to probe Area 69’s secret, deep holes.
Hahaha. Government waste spending jokes!!!
Hey. It’s that dude from Star Trek. Uh. Named Facts. The robot guy who loves to talk like a robot.
Turns out we had an alien ship and no one put spinners on it. What a waste. And no racing stripes either.
Scientist is a weirdo. Stereotypes are fun.
Scientist is like
Hey. It’s that dumb tv special in the 90s. Alien autopsy.
Aliens look dumb.
Scientist tells us exposition.
Will Smith arrives at Area 69 with lots of RVs.

There is going to be so much shit pumped into any intake tube.

Randy Quaid gonna be like
Aliens are going to every major city and destroying it. Cincinnati is still pissed it’s never been targeted.
Will Smith and the President Bill meet. Will finds out all his friends are fucked.
Right. They have an unconscious alien. Should I point out that aliens have better tech than us yet again?
Alien autopsy yet live streaming. Haha. “Spread it very gently.” Their porn script got folded into their invasion film.
How does Facts know about this. Wouldn’t the alien autopsy from before happened decades ago?
Hahaha. Alien uses telepathy to attack others. Apparently they evolved to talk to every species ever via telepathy. I mean it sounds like cicadas, but still impressive.
Scientist is but a puppet.

Oh. Shit. It’s the Disney Ride “Alien Encounter!!”
Bill tries to work with a hostile enemy. The enemy won’t compromise. That basically sums up Democrats trying to work with the GQP.
Telepathic attack is strong!
Hahah. Alien brought telepathy to a gun fight.
Star Trek’s Facts is fucked.

Bill sees what the aliens do. They take all resources and move on. The aliens are Boomers.
Bill gives the okay to nuke pizza.
Jeff gets drunk as he remembers his wife totally banged Bill despite what the movie says.
Will Smith takes helicopter.
Nuke attack isn’t very effective. Turns out aliens have better tech than us.
Also. This was in Texas. Ted Cruz went to Cancun while all this was happening.
Will finds Fox and friends.
President finds out his wife is proper fucked.
Finally it’s 4th of July.

And, like me, Jeff is getting hammered and breaking shit.
Jeff’s rant about destroying the environment is basically how I introduce myself to everyone.
Jeff realizes he knows how to code in alien programming languages.
I can’t get my god damn iPhone to talk to my laptop half the time, but, yeah, Jeff can code in Alien Basic.
We don’t have time for a gun show.
Jeff wants to do a docking with aliens. Kinky.
Will offers to fly after seeing the ship fly once while evading it.
Around the world people are finding out that Americans still want to tell everyone why to do.
What to do.
This is some hot@morse code action.
Hahah. Asking the RV people to@fly planes. Planes that are insanely complex. Ah, well. I’m sure five minutes training is enough.
Quaid is trying to act sober and normal. Then goes off about aliens.

This seems@about right.
We have time for this marriage.
Haha. We all know what time it is.

Just the most inspiring speech ever and how we got our holiday. Before 1996 July 4th was just an asparagus festival in Yonkers.
President Pushboy is gonna pilot. Hahaha. Where the fuck is the VP because they just became president.
Seriously. You wasted time programming Hal onto your computer??
Randy Quaid like
Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar
Will gets into an accident and doesn’t even leave a note with his insurance.
More audio clips for movie trailer.
Will still joking after millions die.
They’re in space. Suck it, Bezos!!
Jeff assumed they’d have a tractor beam. Aliens watched Star Wars, too.
More flying. It’s like a god damn Peter Pan film.
Aliens don’t notice humans are there. Considering how little I pay attention to coworkers, this makes sense.
Jeff like:
Jeff just finished delivering his load inside the mothership.

Missiles are infective. Might as well give up af…what? It works the second time????
Quaid quading it up.
Typical man. Once he drops his load, he wants to leave.
Lots of booms
More fighting
Should I point out that massive ships just landed on their shit.
Jeff and Will like
We did it. We brought down the ships across the world at key landmarks so people know where it is.
Haha. Fox is totally going to call President Pushboy a cuck and demand he resign.
Gee. I wonder if Will and Jeff are okay.
Chuck Yeager did this part better.
And we’re done. Thank god.
And I know what you’re thinking. “You skipped all the action scenes.”

Well. There’s only so many ways to go pew pew boom boom.
All I have to say is that this movie is unrealistic. We know people would ignore all advice. We know the right would politicize it.

We know people would claim it was all fake.

We know people would celebrate the deaths.

The alien invasion part is the most realistic bit.
Final words about this?
Now have a safe #4thofJuly

I’m gonna go drink.

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