Okay. You chose Dante’s Peak (1997) for my review. This is on you lot.

So this is a disaster movie starring the great American actor of of Missouri. Mr Pierce Branson (@PierceBrosnan).

And the very talented Linda Hamilton (descendant of Alexander Hamilton)

Let’s watch this
(And apologies to the talented Pierce Brosnan and Linda Hamilton. I legit like this film and they did a fantastic job in it)
So the first thing you should know is that this is a modern adaptation of my favorite Italian piece of literature starring Virgil. Get fucked, Aeneid!

I will say that disastrous miscasting in the sequels (Purgatorio and Paradiso) doesn’t detract at all from this flick.
.@charmsblowpop you told me to ding you when I did this.
We start out gliding through heaven. I thought this was Inferno not Paradiso. What a divine comedy of errors this choice was.
There’s Hell.
Though. The use of fire for deep hell is weird. Hell was frozen in Inferno due to, I believe, Lucifer’s wings beating.
Lots of people running. Good luck getting away from eternal damnation.
There’s our hero. Pierce. He’s driving away from Pompeii.
He’s looking for Mary. Jesus’ mom?

Mary doesn’t want to leave from literal raining hell. Why?
Oh. Your data. Uh. You can get more data.

Also people love to tell stories about a…disastrous relationship.
Volcano like: HEAD SHOT!!
Pierce is pisssseeeedddd Mary got sniped like that.
Four years have passed. That means hey have a new president and new congress and new senators. I kid. Incumbents win way too much and that’s what makes them turn our country into Dante’s Peak.
Even then people sent phone calls to voicemail. Text me if you want to talk.
Pierce has done more push-ups than I have in my entire life.
Some hot USGS building action.
Pierce’s name is Harry. I’ll never call him this again.
Harry is like me during quarantine. Never goes on vacation.
Pierce is told there’s action at Dante’s Peak. I think his boss is talking about hot women. The boss isn’t wrong because Linda Hamilton lives there.
Oh. A town celebration. Someone is going to get gouged by the carnies.
Hot Hotel checkin action. Lots of exposition. This isn’t hack writing. Hotel people in small towns won’t shut the fuck up.
Linda is as bad at names as I am.
Introduced to her kids. I bet we don’t have to worry about them being in danger later.
Those kids are bungee jumping using ropes. Way to get yourself paralyzed.
And just so you know. Pierce is Dante and Linda is Virgil.

Virgil being the long-term resident and the main character’s guide.

I feel you movie. I gotch you
This asshole is throwing Linda under the bus. What a dick.
Linda’s name is Mayor Rachel Wanda. I’ll never call her this again.
Small town wins an award. For second place. Second place.

And for desirable place…with a population under 20k. They had to add in that last part because no one wants to live where there’s no solid Mexican restaurant.
Hot Hot Spring Springing action.
These people are dead as…

Hey. Fuck you. I love LA. You god damn die!!
Ha. Take that for shit talking!!
Linda and Pierce meet. Dbag tries to cockblock. Pierce is having none of that.
Holy shit where did that kid come from?
Her son likes to hide out in crack houses. At least that’s what it looks like.
Holy crap. It’s that kid who was in…wait. Never mind. That’s not them.
You can tell this is from long ago because there’s not a single person on meth or oxxy in small town America.
Pierce proves his worth to Linda. He definitely knows the Dennis system.

He even shits on Linda to show dominance.
Wait. Someone who doesn’t like their in-laws??????!!!!
Grandma has a gorgeous view. Bet we won’t end up back here and need to cross the lake.
Grandma talking shit.
Grandma showing that some old people don’t give a shit about nature dying or fucking things up.
Hot volcano spread.
Pierce showing off again. Linda shuts him down by calling him a pool man.
Okay. When are they getting to the first circle of Hell…oh. Right. The town. I can’t wait for lust.
Pierce is having to deal with grandma all the while try…. Oh. Grandma is pissed that Pierce might rail her dead son’s wife.

For a dead squirrel. Wait. Two.

Man. Grandma doesn’t give a shit about nature. She doesn’t care animals die.
Hot springs stink. Deal with it.
Grandma listens to Limp Biscuit.
Dramatic catch.

And that’s what you get for shitting on LA! Ass up in hot springs.
Wait. His boss doesn’t listen even though said boss sent him up there due to activity?

That checks out with bosses.
Those people came to Dante’s peak for hiking and fucking. They got fucked.
Oh. Big surprise. Small town Americans won’t listen to scientists. Whine it’ll hurt their economy if they did.
I bet the town’s emergency plans are “Blame libs.”
You’re from Portland. Stop acting like a small town isn’t something you’ve dealt with.
Pierce is basically the Sheriff in Jaws. Grandma is Quint. Not because their actions are the same. They just look the same.
Pierce’s boss is pissed that Pierce is talking to small town America. What an elitist dick.
Pierce’s boss would make a great Republican politician. Deflect reality to keep people complicit.
The boss is totally cockblocking Pierce.
Haha. Yeah. Mammoth in 1980 lost tourists. These days people would flock there with a rumor of an explosion so people could put it on their Instagram. “Me with lava LOL Might Die!!”
Way to shit on your employee.
Pierce is Cassandra, but hotter.
Wait. When does the Terminator come into the picture??
Town still celebrating. More people fleeced buy carnies.
Pierce is getting hammered alone. His boss interrupts him to shit all over him again.
A boss caring more about politics than science. Big surprise
I’m not saying the boss should die by lava, but…he’d deserve it.
Oh. People listing lots of types of drinks when someone just wants the basic version. How 90s.
Stop saying everything on the menu is good. That’s a lie and obviously some are better than others. Plain toast isn’t as good as French toast.
Linda gets Pierce all hot in the groin region…with coffee. GYA 5 was right.
GTA. Ugh
Pierce came for some breakfast and I don’t mean food.

Linda gets this by inviting him for some “eggplant parmigiana.”

Lots of code for fucking.
Helicopter tours are god damn insane to me. You’re being held up by gravity getting dizzy.
Like most tours. It’s boring as shit and you want to leave before it’s over.
Check out that sweet computer. Bet it had a 200MB HD. I shit bigger files.
Pierce bonding with the kids to get into Linda’s pants.
Oh, god. He’s using magic. That never works. Linda is dry as the Sahara now.
Kids are morons.
Big surprise. Someone who has never left their small town thinks they live in the best place ever.

Paris is better.
Wait. Her husband is alive?? And his mom doesn’t know where her deadbeat son is? Bullshit.
There’s a special place in hell for those who abandon their kids. Seriously. The dad is the biggest villain in this movie.
Pierce using his tragic backstory to get ass.

Yep. He’s a male.
What am I. An hour into…34 minutes?
Pierce realizes tragedy isn’t working. He then tells Linda they’ll die if the volcano goes.

Dude is desperate to get laid. Pulling out all the stops.
Linda is smiling the next day. She wants that D.
Linda bringing coffee. I bet it’s shitty instant coffee be…


Oh. You know about coffee. Yep. Washington in the 90s.
Guys talking how hot Linda is. Pierce shuts that shit down immediately.
Pierce’s friend tells Pierce to get his freak on.

Apparently Harry (the friend) set Pierce up with a woman into crystals. I can’t tell if he means meth or healing type.

Either way Harry is a terrible friend.
The dude from Congo really loves coffee.

I like him.
Hey. It’s Wall-E
Old guy can’t use technology. Younger guy just kicks it.
Gee. I wonder if this GPS device they put in Pierce’s truck will be a plot point.
Wall-E is all fucked.
Okay. Harry is Pierce. Terry is the friend.

Fuck off with two characters with similar sounding names.
So Terry got fucked up by a rock. Much like Terry’s female friend sage hooked Pierce up with was destroyed by crack rock.
The helicopter pilot is a dick. Bet that won’t fuck him in the end.
Hot resume action. With all the thrills of an 80s tv show.
Rescue. Fuck off autocorrect. I don’t need another disaster in this review.
More rescue 911. Just as boring as I remember.
There are like 5 characters who are the mayor from Jaws.
Pierce wants to close the beach…errr…put the town on alert.
Pierce threatens his coworkers with frog boiling.
Linda and Pierce are eye fucking each other as Pierce shoots pool poorly. I think it’s a ruse to get Linda to pity fuck him.
So the team is going to leave. I bet the volcano won’t blow right before they do.
They’re totally going to go bang somewhere.
Pierce wants to take Linda away to the big city of…90s Portland.
Just fuck already!
Oh. Yeah. Oh yeah. Rub your hair together.
They gonna fuc…the kids woke up. Linda is pissssssseeeeeeddddddddd
And the volcano just cockblocked Pierce and Linda.
Oh. Hot water storage action.
The volcano is like Linda. Ready to blow.
Pierce shits all over his boss’ doubts.
Big surprise. The governor didn’t call the guard in on time.
Linda is going on tv to tell people to meet about the evacuation.

She should say “Run!!!!! Run mother fuckers!!! Run!!!!!!!”
No. Seriously. Why the fuck is the meeting at 6pm instead of right the fuck away??!
Grandma is stubborn and won’t listen to scientists. She keeps calling Pierce a libcuck.
Hahaha. Linda tells her kids that grandma is going to die. Kids call for two rings and then decide to go after her. Kids are stupid.
No way that many people would show up to a town meeting these days without screaming that volcanos are a libcuck conspiracy.
The volcano jizzed everywhere.
Maybe you should have called the meeting at noon, Linda.
I can sun up this whole thing with music:

Everyone was wrong but Pierce. Get fucked everyone.
“She’s blowing” is what Pierce says. Linda thinks he’s talking about the Volcano.
Freeway collapse.
Okay. Lots of bumper car action. Skip!
Haha. The kid stole the car to get grandma.
Pierce is taking the “off road vehicle” a little too literal.
Through the river and through the burning woods to grandmother’s house we go.
This kid is a better driver than most people in inclement weather.
Helicopter pilot to the rescue…of a rich person.
The helicopter pilot thought he could fool gravity again, but gravity took Dramamine and he got proper fucked.
I like how Pierce tells his coworkers about the crash. No one is coming for them. There’s a volcano eruption. This was just to make Pierce to not appear as big a dick.
Grandma thinks this is no big deal. She saw on the “moving box with the real news” that volcanos are a libcuck lie.
Huh. I didn’t know this took place around Lent cause it’s Ash Wednesday.
Linda like “the road is gone” and Pierce like:
Kids immediately apologize. Grandma still thinks it’s all lies. What a bitch.
“Maybe it’s over” says the volcanologist as a god damn eruption happens.
These volcanologists seem to not to understand that volcanos spew out ash and lava.

They’re morons who love to live dangerously.
If grandma lived, she’d be a Trumper. “This mountain won’t hurt us. It’s just raining ash and causing earthquakes. I was told these are all normal things and I should send my money to the orange racist guy!”

Or is it magma?

Either way it’ll fuck you up.

But it still isn’t as hot as pizza after you nuke it.
After literal lava appears in her house, grandma thinks there might be a slight issue. If she survived, she would later say it wasn’t a big deal and libs just using it to pass environmental laws.
They try to escape by boat.

You know what that means??

You know the game the floor is lava? Well. This is the lake is acid.
Grandma keeps screaming “Acid can’t eat steel boats! It was an inside job!!”
Pierce is a terrible liar.
Brother bribes sister to shut her up.
Pierce is singing row row your boat. This isn’t because they’re on a boat. They just didn’t want to pay any music licenses. They pulled a Troll 2.
Of course the acid ate the propeller. It’s made from metal.
Apparently acid can’t eat through your skin if you put a light jacket around you hand.
These people are having an acid trip.
Typical grandma. She’s the cause of all this, but thinks one gesture makes up for it.
Grandma is finally feeling a tingle in her nether bits. Too bad it’s acid.
Grandma is covers in acid. Why are you touching her. It would be eating your alive.
These kids are going to need therapy.
Pierce has to put grandma down like an injured horse. They don’t show it, but he snapped her neck.
Way to show up a day late national guard.
Haha. The guard is to get people to evacuate. If a literal volcano eruption doesn’t make you leave, you deserve what happens.
Grandma is still alive. The little girl offers to heal her with crystals. Kids are stupid.
Linda is apologizing for rightly calling grandma out.

Okay. Wtf. Linda is saying she was the problem when it came to her husband leaving her.

That is not cool, movie!!
These kids will need soooo much therapy.
Man. These miniature models are fucked because someone dumped water on them.
Pierce’s coworkers rightly try to leave him behind. I wouldn’t die for any of my coworkers. I wouldn’t even give up my bagel for my coworkers.
Here they are on the actual set of the moon landing. Lots of ash.
Pierce whines someone didn’t leave their keys in their vehicle.
More driving scenes.

Who would have thought a soccer mom van couldn’t drive through a flood????
Pierce no longer has a boss. I bet Pierce uses this as a reason to slack off.
Pierce’s coworkers all watch their boss die. Only coffee guy seems to care. I understand this.
Oh. Great. Pierce and company are at a company motivational retreat. They have to walk over hot coals. Pierce cheats and uses a truck.
The dog appears. FUCK YOU, movie.
The dog jumps in. This is some bullshit.
Pierce is too stubborn to pull over to ask for directions or ask anyone to help his change a tire.

Definitely a man in the 90s.
It took them 8 years to get this crap town to be nice. And 8 minutes to destroy.

There’s something poetic and profound there.
They look over the town completely destroyed.

Do…do you think they get to keep the “Second Most Desirable Town under 20k” award?

Just saying. Awkward for the magazine that awarded that.
I mean that town is fucked. However, I’ll say this. It’s still not as bad as several towns I know in the South.
Pierce looks to be trying to find a place he can bang Linda. He’s pissed there’s nothing there.

Like they went back to her house and it’s gone. Pierce is pissssseeeedddd!!
So there’s all these government funded people there. Republicans are going to whine about the expense of helping a liberal state.
Pierce is shocked that his stocks have tanked.
Pierce steals a massive gps device because he has an idea. An idea he doesn’t know what it is yet.
Dante’s Peak just blew its load again. This time even bigger.
They’re being chased by a fire cloud.

It’s basically:
Oh, shit. The whole town blew up. I guess all the meth labs couldn’t handle the heat.
Pierce just shoved himself into a hot hole. Just jammed it all the way in until it couldn’t go any farther.
He worked that shaft to his advantage.
People watch on as a cloud appears in the sky. They don’t once take a photo for Instagram.
They decide they have to go deeper. Way deeper.
Pierce is having a hard time going deeper. He gets the dog to help.
Man. Good thing this kid his in this mine shaft before.

Otherwise they’d have no food. They would definitely eat the dog first. Then the kids.
Pierce is going to get the massive gps. If I’ve learned anything, it’ll be about as accurate as me pissing in the toilet in the middle of the night.
Pierce is trying to keep the kids minds off the disaster by threatening to take them to Florida. After that the kids realize that their current hellscape isn’t so bad.
The dog’s name is ruffie. I bet their cat’s name is meowie.
Linda is making demands of Pierce. They haven’t even fucked yet. Pierce is such a simp.
Pierce gets the shaft. Like. Literally.
Pierce gets trapped in the closet. I’ll let you know if he sings about it.
Pierce got fuckeeeddd up.
It’s at this moment that Pierce regrets not taking his vacation.
Pierce finds the truck again. He gets inside to wank off.
In all seriousness. Being trapped in a confined space like this is my nightmare. The roof is collapsing in on him. He doesn’t even have wifi to make the horrors@of his situation disappear for a moment.
And he can’t even post an image on Instagram going “When life gives you pyroclastic blasts, you make a go’s device beep!”
Shut your alarm clock off, asshole!
That spot is still less terrible than Florida
Haha. They have ignored Pierce’s distress signal for days. He is 100% dead by now.
Pierce gets pulled out of a tight spot. He, upon seeing his coworkers, screams “What took you so god damn long you pieces of shit?!!!!”
Gonna say this. If my coworkers were saved and I was hours away, I’d stay home. I mean it’s really far.
Pierce mad that a woman who legit wanted to fuck him might be dead.
They’re gonna fuck.
People watch. Pierce has an exhibitionist kink.
Kid asks Pierce if his threat of taking them to Florida is real. Pierce confirms he’s going to make them do it. The kid contemplates jumping out of the helicopter.
And that’s it.

Pierce gets to fuck Linda and the kids are forced to listen to the sounds as they deal with 100% humidity in a Floridian motel.

Definitely a fate worse than death.
Last Thoughts. This started out as an okay rendition of Dante’s Inferno. It even hinted at the Dante/Virgil fucking I love to write about.

However, it quickly details and becomes an environmentalist film about the evils of ignorance and politicization of natural disasters.


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