Thread by @Soundsaboutrig4

So as you may know, SAR is supposed to review #Twilight #BreakingDawn tonight.

This is @Soundsaboutleft and the stench coming from his room is becoming overwhelming.

I'm just going to assume the worst and start this review.

Here's something I whipped up in memoriam.

I guess I should first say a few words. First of all, sounds about right was a lousy roommate. He constantly screamed in the night "I can't review them anymore! Make it stop."

In fact that's why I'm pretty sure things are gonna get awkward with the landlord soon.

You see for the last few weeks all I've heard from his room has been sobbing and Taco Bell wrappers crinkling and hard shell tacos being eaten.

Then him ripping ass.

Those noises stopped a bit ago and I sure as hell don't want to deal with what I find.

So...uh. How do I do these stupid things?

*checks notes*

Uh. I have to watch the movie and then

*reads*

"Try to post something you pretend is funny or witty so that those who read it can laugh at your suffering."

The hell is wrong with you people?

Look. I'm not going to watch this pile of trash.

I'm going to go google how to resurrect him and make that moron get back to it.

*reads*

So. Uh. Apparently I have to...find someone pure of heart to blah blah blah.

I'm just going to throw a bunch of stuff into a cauldron and force feed him like in Princess Bride.

BRB. Resurrecting Idiot.

Okay. Uh. So it worked out. He's back now, but he keeps weeping "Send me back to Hell. It was better."

So...he...he might be a bit fragile. More so than usual.

Hey everyone!! This is Sounds About Right.

Ye I have seen the light of fire and I return blessed.

I know not what left speaks of. I am doing gre....

THE FIRE SHALL PURIFY THE WORLD!!!!!

at. Never better!!

I did wake up from that and my window has been replaced by this stain glass window.

Beautiful isn't it?

Well. Let us begin this

*screams in Enochian*

Ah. Sorry about that.

Let us begin the review of Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1

It stars Bobby Patthersome and plank. Good ole Bella Plank. Adding to this are righteous abs that are attached to Tailored HotMore.

When we last left off, I lost all sense of reasoning as they planned their wedding.

Let's see how stupid this gets.

But first I have to go excrete hellfire. Way too many Spicy Potato Tacos doused in Diablo Sauce for my intestines to handle.

Huh. Apparently after being resurrected, you can excrete your organs.

We begin with a plank narrating and rain.

Jacob comes storming out of his house because he got an invite to the lamest wedding ever. He transforms into a wolf and we transition to her dad and mom get the same invite. I transition into wanting to eat my own hand.

We then cut to a log trying to walk around in high heels. She sucks at it like everything else.

Alice is hammering her for being shit. I mean just really shits all@over her. She says things wayyy over the line. Or maybe I am. Who knows.

Now we see the other vampires carrying like wooden benches and logs or@some shit.

This must be Bella’s grandma and grandpa. How cute.

Alice then drops some serious annoyance and tells plank to get beauty sleep. Uh. You mean a coma?

So plank is in her room and Edward appears behind her. Seriously. Dude. You need to ask her to be let in you creep.

Edward has some totally dark background we get to hear.

You see Edward was a naughty boy and hunted humans after a few years of hanging with the doctor.

You know twenty years olds trapped in a teenager body. Rebelling by sucking a dude’s neck.

See. He justifies it because the men were bad. Of course that is valid because he can read their thoughts.

But these vampires are all fucking lame.

Bella is like “I totally and Gonna be a cool vampire because I literally have no personality.”

Edward then gets invited out to his bachelor party. Which is hunting animals. What a dick.

“I’ll slaughter innocent animals for fun, but murderous humans? Naww. I’m lame as fuck.”

Bella goes to sleep and wakes to her bland ass dream wedding that is probably a dream. Yep. It is. Boring.

Oh. You stand on a mound of bodies.

Now we cut to the two sister vampires trying to put lipstick on a pig…err…plywood.

Bella’s dad sees the graduation cap collage and rightly calls it weird. Her dad is right about everything.

Hahaha. The sheriff shits all over his ex wife and they give wedding heirloom stuff to a log to wear. Something borrowed, something bland, something mossy, cut off my hand.

We now are all bland ass wedding in the woods. Her friends from high school are there.

They rightly think she’s knocked up because yeah.

Her dad walks her down the aisle. He makes sure…*slips into unconsciousness*

I get that for fans this trash wedding is a big deal. I am not a fan so I can rightly point out the colors in the decor are absolute shit. The whole thing looks like a coked out toddler came up with it.

She stares@down the aisle to look at a 109 pervert waiting to turn her into the undead.

How romantic.

We then skip all of the ceremonies of the wedding to immediately do the final vows. Way to spend all this time and money and effort on a location you spent 7 seconds at. Which is 5 seconds longer than a 109 virgin will last.

They kiss for way too long. I feel bad for her dad. He has to lose his boring daughter to an obvious abuser and gaslighted.

He knows he has to shut up to keep any contact with her, though.

We get all kinds of people coming up to congratulate some@creep marrying compressed wood pulp.

One of their cousins was dating Leron or some shit. Who cares.

Edward’s brother gets up and gives a creepy toast. Her high school friends rightly point out how it makes no sense Edward would date her.

And Bella’s dad openly threatens Edward. I like him.

Her mom is drunk as all hell and singing and not caring her kid married a monster.

All these bland ass toasts. It’s like wonderbread in speech form.

I have been to a ton of weddings in my day. I mean some of them have really long ceremonies and the reception is so boring that I duck out as soon as it’s polite.

I would rather relive all of those weddings right now than watch the five or ten minutes this fake ass one lasts.

Edward gives a terrible speech.

People pretend like it didn’t suck.

You know there were people who watched this and were crying and shit. Like they had waited years for this shit.

Edward takes plank outside so Jacob can congratulate her and chat.

We find out Jacob has been running around as a wolf for a long time.

Jacob is telling her goodbye and blah blah

This is somehow more boring than the previous three movies.

And this movie has destroyed my vocabulary.

Jacob talks about how it Edward rails her while human, she could die.

Like we’d ever get that lucky. Jacob and the other wolves leave and I wish I could leave.

Deciding to review all five of these in a row was a mistake. Like shooting your dick off with a shotgun level of mistake.

Hell was better than this. At least they’re not so evil that they make you watch this trash. Mostly it’s reruns of bad 80s and 90s sitcoms.

Bella th nnfndnndndndndnnd

She says goodbye to daddy and mommy and mommy daddy and daddy mommy and badmxbshzb

They’re going on a plane trip and we find out that her dad doesn’t know where she’s going. He’s annoyed by that. Uh. Yeah. Her abuser is trying to cut you out of her life forever. You should be concerned.

Hahaha. We hear Jacob howling like a sad puppy as the world’s most insipid lead goes to Brazil.

Maybe someone will hijack them and bore a hole in plank.

They make carnivale boring.

Turns out they’re going far away from Rio so her creepy husband can keep her under his control.

They’re at their honeymoon retreat and god. I bet we’re gonna see the lamest banging ever. Like plank lays there like…well…a plank. Edward touches her thigh and then says not to touch him and that this has never happened to him before.

I’m pretty sure a mild shove would be a better physical partner to either of these two.

I get that this shitty movie was made for people who think these two are the greatest couple in history and all this build up is just amazing to them.

But those people are wrong. They’re the kind of people who think Applebee’s is the greatest restaurant ever.

Bella then takes out some god damn carpetbag of shit and starts rifling through it. Oh. She’s gonna brush her mouth splinters and comb the head moss.

She is preparing herself for the most banal three seconds of her life that Edward “Premature Predator” Collin can muster up.

Bella prepares herself with sprays and lotions and a nice coating of linseed oil.

She then goes skinny dipping in the waters of Brazil. I hope for her sake that there are no Brazilian beavers.

They make out in the water with the fakest CGI ever. Hell. My lunch post from earlier today was better.

So they go from ocean or whatever to the bed without showering. That would be god damn disgusting.

Edward literally just starts when he rips the headboard to pieces. Dude did not last ten seconds. Not even kidding. Oh. He’ll act like he didn’t, but we all know he did.

There are people who found this hot. Those people think that Microchips are a type of pringle.

Hahaha. And that was it. He was a one pump chump. Pathetic.

It’s the next day and Edward is shitting feathers on her and then runs away before she can catch him. Their bedroom is wrecked from where Edward got mad when he couldn’t get it up again.

The Room had better romantic scenes. The Room!!

Hahaha. Edward asks “Bow badly were you hurt.” Typical shitty guy. Thinks his microdong does anything but make the void they create more obvious.

Also. She has bruises. Edward apologizes like all abusers.

Ugh. She talks about how she is happy about it. Just ewwww. These movies have serious message issues for young people.

Hahaha. Then Edward shits on her for thinking about getting the ole o face. Just couldn’t care less about her.

We are forty minutes in and all we have gotten is a bullshit wedding and the most unsatisfying wedding night in human history.

We then get a montage of Bella wanting it while Edward cries from his impotence.

He tries to distract her with board games and cliff diving.

They pretend to play chess. There is no way either one of these smoothbrains understand the game.

There was more sexual tension in Cocoon than this pile of fuck.

They legit split this book in two solely for money. Nothing has happened. Nothing. More happens to someone when they’re in their own tomb.

Bella keeps demanding that D, but she doesn’t realize Edward finds her repulsive now that she is 18.

This trash ass movie has more nightmares and shit than any other movie ever.

Jacob whines about Bella. Dude. Get over her. Buy a damn blowup doll. It’ll have more personality.

We get a bunch of blah blah imprinting bullshit. I know where this is going and it’s disgusting.

Nothing has happened. Nothing. If you stared at a piece of white paper and it would be the same amount of action.

We then get a scene of some servants. They see the destroyed bedroom they have to clean. Like. Ed and plank are such pieces of shit. They expect these literally poor people to just fix all the things hey broke and all the messes.

Like. Screw you for taking advantage of the locals who desperately need work. We know this because they suspect Edward is a vampire and they still work for him because they need to survive. Bella was more than willing to make them clean their fuck blankets.

And plank has morning wood sickness.

Plank has missed her period and is already vomiting. That’s not how that works, but I’m guessing a vampire-human baby grows faster or some shit. That makes no sense since plank is a bit of wood not a vampire.

Trees grow slowly from acorns. They don’t go fast like Ed in the bed.

Bella has also gained a belly. She wants to blame it on a baby, but she’s just a lazy ass.

Also. This is the exact plot of that movie Robin Williams was in. Jack. So this movie is Jack with lamer characters.

Bella has a tapeworm, but she thinks it’s the baby kicking. A vampire baby that should be snapping her uterus in two.

Edward then speed packs the luggage. I’m not kidding. It’s like a shitty fast time in a kids movie from the 80s.

Plank is all shocked she got pregnant. Uh. Only takes once. I get that consequences require a higher brain functionality than you can conjure, Ed should have told you between gaslightings.

The local woman comes in screaming about what happens when vampires and humans bang. It turns out they make another shitty movie.

I think the servant called plank a bitch. Her words. Not mine.

Edward calls the baby a thing. He’s already saying she has to get the ole “fall down the stairs” treatment.

This is such a subtle message about pro life and choice. Just so subtle. Like a god damn mid air collision.

I came back from hell for this. Satan truly knows how to punish.

We then see Jacob and the sheriff. Plank is staying in Brazil because who fuckkkkking cares.

Someone should have gotten to Jacob long ago on how to give up on toxic people.

Jacob goes over to the Collins. The doctor lets him in. Then we get the worst off camera voice in history.

Jacob sees that Bella has the largest tapeworm in history. Like it’s made her look like pale shit on a skeleton all the while giving her the belly like a basketball.

Jacob tells her to take tapeworm medicine, but plank refuses.

Jacob is pissed.

We also find out that they can’t get an ultrasound and Alice can’t see her future.

We then get blah blah religious arguments about fetuses. Just so subtle. Like funneling hot tar into the ole poop chute.

So plank wants to be turned into undead wood just before the tapeworm shreds her.

The kid is gonna be named tapeworm. Just deal with that now.

Lots of moping with Jacob and Edward. Though, silver lining. If she dies then Ed will have Jacob ice him.

This is just so subtle with the question of life. So subtle. I mean it’s so subtle that no one can comprehend how brilliant it is.

It’s like the forest fire that took out half of plank’s relatives.

Oh, my god. I get it. Life starts at conception now shut up about it.

This whole series feels like it was written just to make the human population grow with unwanted children.

Jacob wolfs out again. He throws a tantrum. Way to make Jacob lame as shit, movie.

Jacob howls to get other wolves or something and I don’t care.

So the wolves decide that tapeworm has to go.

We get the shittiest telepathic conversation ever. Like. Just the worst.

Oh, my god. They make werewolves so lame. Hahshshshshssh. Hahahahahshshshshshshss. Hahahahahahaa

They have Jacob rebel against his pack, but the snarls of wolves and the music make it sound like he’s yelling into a tin can. This movie is so shit. Just so poorly made.

Now we have Jacob and this other wolf fighting to protect the tapeworm. Oh, so subtle. Willing to fight family to preserve a tapeworm.

Then we get a scene where Ed and Jacob eye fuck.

Then Lea joins them and I want to join my fist to my face.

THIS MOVIE IS SO SUBTLE!!!!!!!!!!!!

This whole fucking movie summed up:

List of things more subtle than this movie:

1) An active volcano
2) A hundred car pile up
3) the meteor that killed the dinosaurs

So Sam’s Club has decided that since they got tapeworm a membership to Costco, they have to do something about it.

We also find out that tapeworm has broken her ribs. Of course plank is an unfeeling piece of wood and doesn’t feel pain like humans do.

Also. Tapeworm is stealing all her nutrients. Like strip mining her.

We get more subtle commentary. Like it sounds like I’m being repetitive but that’s because it is.

Oh, god. Edward is complaining he has no say in it. Come on.

Oh, shit. Plank auditioned for that Christian Bale film Machinist.

Haha. So the tapeworm is obliterating her and all plank can emote is like a slightly sore knuckle.

We get more subtle commentary about what term to use for the tapeworm.

And we find out it wants blood. Gee. All this pain for two seconds of pleasure. Right plank?

See. Subtle.

They’re gonna give plank a transfusion of tree sap.

Actually. She has to drink blood because this movie is dumb.

Okay. So plank drinks blood and thinks it tastes good.

Most pregnant woman crave weird shit like ice cream and pickles. Plank craves penny sludge.

Plank talks to her dad. He apparently doesn’t get that a call to South America wouldn’t sound like the person was, oh, at the Collins.

She lies and says she is going to Europe to be treated. Man. Can’t wait until you explain tapeworm.

Then we get the subtle@commentary where ed apologizes for not being there for her and the tapeworm.

Hahaha. Now Ed is talking to his tapeworm.

Subtle!!!!!!!

So the movie so far is: Shit wedding, premature ejaculation, tapeworm, arguments about keeping tapeworm.

We also find out that they need to do a fetch quest to get blood. Jacob then realizes the Collins are a family and just like him.

There are lightning storms less subtle.

Jacob goes to talk to the werewolves and I go to see if I can talk to a wall.

We then get a pulse slowing ac…

*passes out*

Oh. And Jacob says he’ll off the tapeworm.

This entire movie could have been edited down to a movie trailer and lost nothing.

Oh. Turns out Jacob was just buying them time to do the fetch quest. Lame as hell.

I never thought I’d say this, but this makes me miss the previous films.

We then get a naming ceremony for the tapeworm.

It should be pointed out that plank is about to pass this tapeworm and it’s been like a month since her wedding. I think she was just lying and was knocked up before the wedding.

Hahaha. Then the tapeworm DDTs plank.

Dr Collins is gone and they have to get the tapeworm out right now.

Plank doesn’t even pretend to feel pain or anything. Hahaha. Just st…is he chewing her uterus apart?

He is. He takes out a large tapeworm and names it TW.

Haha this is so stupid.

Bella looks like she’s on meth and croaks. The sister takes TW while Eddie injects his vampire venom via syringe.

The pulse slowing action just keeps going.

This movie doesn’t have the balls to let plank die here. It would have made it better.

Jacob says he won’t kill Ed so he can suffer forever. Hahaha. Back on #TeamJacob

Jacob cries, the script lies.

Edward keeps demanding things of her even after she should have gone to eternal damnation.

He just goes around all her body parts and bites her like some fucked up game of operation.

We’re then treated to CGI changes. The changes make a roaring sound that shows more acting range than. Plank ever had.

Man. If only I could give a shit.

We find out Sam’s club is going after TW. I’m going after a bottle of rye.

And now we get to the most fucked up scene in theater released cinema.

Jacob imprints on the tapeworm. Yes. The just born ten minutes ago one. He does this creepy bond. Like “I will forever love you and we will marry” kind of imprinting.

He then fantasizes that he will grow up and marry this new born. What in sweet fuck is wrong with this world.

Like. How do you continue after a scene like that???????!!!!!!!!

Guess what. I’m off #TeamJacob

I can’t be on a team of someone who makes Edward seem not creepy. Like. Wtf.

Way to completely ruin a character.

Like we started out with this guy who is cool and not a bad person. He gets amazing abs and he starts to have some game.

Then they made him a wimp and then he imprints on a new born tape worm.

Oh. Right. There was a fight between the werewolves and the vampires and it sucks all the ass in history.

We then get a scene of them pointing a nice wood finish on plank.

By the way. I am 100% on #teamvanhelsing.

He needs to purify this world of these monsters.

Oh. And plank becomes petrified wood. The undead wood of legend.

We then get a flashback of all of plank’s life. The the way back to being an acorn and it is boring as shit.

Oh. This is such a subtle moment.

Then we get all the vampires staring at Jacob because they know he is now obsessed with the new born tapeworm. I mean Edward had to be getting the irony of his predation led to Jacob’s of his tapeworm.

How the turntables ya creepy bastard.

Plank may or may not be alive. Oh. The movie shows her eyes open and they’re blood red.

I just mean she may not have the alpha brain waves that prove her brain functions.

I kid. It never functioned.

Well. That was Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1. They took ten minutes worth of action and spread it across 2 hours so they could get more money from teens the following year.

It’s got such subtle social commentary and a werewolf that imprints on a tapeworm.

Fuck this movie.

Also. Fuck the world that allowed it to exist. I’m gonna go back to hanging out with Mephistopheles.

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