These movies are the cinematic equivalent of someone taking a sledgehammer to my femur.
Painful, slows me down, and makes me wish the pain would stop.
Unlike being crippled, I should be able to recover from this trash soon enough.
Why do people like these movies? I would rather figure out how to have a crab navigator my small intestines while it held a switchblade than watch this again.
This is @Soundsaboutleft and the stench coming from his room is becoming overwhelming.
I'm just going to assume the worst and start this review.
Here's something I whipped up in memoriam.
I guess I should first say a few words. First of all, sounds about right was a lousy roommate. He constantly screamed in the night "I can't review them anymore! Make it stop."
In fact that's why I'm pretty sure things are gonna get awkward with the landlord soon.
You see for the last few weeks all I've heard from his room has been sobbing and Taco Bell wrappers crinkling and hard shell tacos being eaten.
Then him ripping ass.
Those noises stopped a bit ago and I sure as hell don't want to deal with what I find.
Okay, everyone. I have spent a lot of time programming some software that reads in all the tweets buzzfeed and all the other sites use to get free clicks.
I'm gonna have it crunch the numbers and it'll spit out the perfect viral tweet.
Here is my sweet system. It's cherry!
Okay. It's still processing the data. Let me check out the ticker tape it's spitting out.
"It hurts. The stupid hurts."
Right. It seems to be reading the websites as we speak.
Oh, man. It is insanely coincidental that I am eating at this lunch place. See there is a couple right beside me and it’s their first date.
This is totally real and not some contrived attempt to go viral.
So the guy is going "This is first date. How crazy this first date. I hope no one listens to us on our first date and posts about it on twitter. That would be crazy because it'll go viral and whoa...we can totally go 'We're couple' and then tell people we are getting married."
And the girl said in response "I would totally find it crazy if this was posted on twitter. I mean I doubt this would happen since only freaking weirdos eavesdrop on other people's conversations and post it word for word on twitter. Like...what would be wrong with them?"
I have no idea what this is about or why I subject myself to this, but I do have to talk about something important.
Qui huc intrasti omissa spe
Okay. Before we begin, I need to apologize to Kirsten Stewart. And this isn’t because I was threatened by a grove of sequoias who asked me if I wanted to know what a tree branch tasted going up the ole poop chute.
No, see. I was inform by an organization called People Against Wood Acting Insults. They told me that plank is considered one of the greatest actors to ever come out of the forest. Dare they say one of the best to ever perform in a Birchway Play.