Not a lot of people know this, but a couple summers ago I had the greatest adventure ever. I went to Amity Island.
I got to meet all kinds of people including the sheriff and mayor.
I kept hearing people scream about a shark with big #Jaws
Here I am getting a killer tan.
I got to meet all kinds of people including the sheriff and mayor.
I kept hearing people scream about a shark with big #Jaws
Here I am getting a killer tan.
While I was there, as I said, I befriended the local sheriff (Brody), a local fisherman (Quint), and some smart scientist guy (Richard Dreyfuss).
They were all very nice. Here's a photo of us out on Quint's boat.
Best guy's night out ever. They told me all kinds of stories!
They were all very nice. Here's a photo of us out on Quint's boat.
Best guy's night out ever. They told me all kinds of stories!
We start out by going watching a documentary filmed in an aquarium.
Epic music starts.
Epic music starts.
We cut to a bunch of teenagers smoking the devil's cabbage, drinking Satan's wine, and doing the Lucifer Rumba.
We see some dude eye fucking some woman.
Apparently this works for some guys.
#NiceguysFinishLastAndAreNotEatenBySharks
Apparently this works for some guys.
#NiceguysFinishLastAndAreNotEatenBySharks
They both go running into the dark undressing themselves. We find out this is Chrissy. She likes to night swim.
Which is dangerous. You could drown or get hit by a boat or be eaten by a king crab.
Which is dangerous. You could drown or get hit by a boat or be eaten by a king crab.
The dude following around her stumbles around drunk and passes out. Men. Just pathetic.
Meanwhile Chrissy is out in the water as either the sun rises or sets. I assume sets...it's hard to tell.
They could have partied all night or the dude could be a lightweight at booze.
Meanwhile Chrissy is out in the water as either the sun rises or sets. I assume sets...it's hard to tell.
They could have partied all night or the dude could be a lightweight at booze.
Oh, crap. We get the POV of some pervert who is grabbing onto the leg of this naked teen.
That's...that's not good.
He starts to drag her around...
oh. Wait. They're doing synchronized swimming.
I guess they're practicing for the Amity Island Water Show!!!!
That's...that's not good.
He starts to drag her around...
oh. Wait. They're doing synchronized swimming.
I guess they're practicing for the Amity Island Water Show!!!!
The next day we watch some Silent Generations talk about summer loving, but this is before viagra so the old dude goes to feed the dogs.
This is Sheriff Brody. He's a nice dude. We hung out. He hid a corpse for me.
This is Sheriff Brody. He's a nice dude. We hung out. He hid a corpse for me.
We also find out that the Sheriff is practicing his foreign language skills by talking in a Boston accent.
The sheriff gets a call. It says "7 DAYS!!!"
The...uhh...wife of the sheriff goes "Listen chief" so we know he's the cop.
Man. That's weird to call your spouse that outside of roleplaying in the bedroom.
The...uhh...wife of the sheriff goes "Listen chief" so we know he's the cop.
Man. That's weird to call your spouse that outside of roleplaying in the bedroom.
The chief of police drives up the island and we find out it's the 50th annual regatta.
Uh. They like spaghetti that much that they do an event around it?
Uh. They like spaghetti that much that they do an event around it?
The next day we find out the frat boy from the beginning reports the good missing. We also find out that the chief is from NYC.
We know this because he'll never shut up about how much better NYC is than everywhere else. ALL THE FUCKING TIME. WE GET IT. NYC IS AMAZING! MOVE BACK!
We know this because he'll never shut up about how much better NYC is than everywhere else. ALL THE FUCKING TIME. WE GET IT. NYC IS AMAZING! MOVE BACK!
They find the woman and she has the worst case of crabs I've ever seen.
The chief is bribed money to hide the corpse for the frat boy.
The chief goes into his office and tries to find the best way to cover up the murder.
He mumbles something about a "shark."
The chief goes into his office and tries to find the best way to cover up the murder.
He mumbles something about a "shark."
The chief is told by the coroner that the fix is in and a *wink* "shark attack" was the cause of death.
The chief goes to help cover up the evidence. In the background we see a house for sale sign.
Back in 1976 it cost like $500. Now? It's 5 billion dollars.
The chief goes to help cover up the evidence. In the background we see a house for sale sign.
Back in 1976 it cost like $500. Now? It's 5 billion dollars.
Some old dude tries to harass the chief about "GOD DAMN KIDS" or something.
The chief goes into a hardware store and buys paints.
Aww. He wants to paint!!! He never told me he was an artist when we went fishing.
The chief goes into a hardware store and buys paints.
Aww. He wants to paint!!! He never told me he was an artist when we went fishing.
Before the chief can paint, his deputy comes in and harasses him.
The chief pivots and decides to cover up his passion for art. He tells his deputy to make "Beach Closed" signs.
The chief pivots and decides to cover up his passion for art. He tells his deputy to make "Beach Closed" signs.
The chief sheriff goes to get some boy scouts who are having their scout leader getting WAYYY too close to them.
Oof.
Oof.
As the chief waits for the ferry to move, the Mayor and a bunch of old dudes ride up to gaslight the chief sheriff.
Oh, shit. The Mayor is a Republican. He basically says that money is more important than human lives.
He also says that sharks are hoaxes and don't exist. He gaslights the FUCK out of the chief.
He keeps screaming "FAKE NEW" over and over again.
He also has an orange tint.
He also says that sharks are hoaxes and don't exist. He gaslights the FUCK out of the chief.
He keeps screaming "FAKE NEW" over and over again.
He also has an orange tint.
The mayor legit is fine with people dying if it means they make money.
Dude is gonna be president one day.
Dude is gonna be president one day.
We then cut to the beach where Shark Snack #2 talks to his mom.
She doesn't put any sun block on him because it's the 70s and parents hated their kids.
She doesn't put any sun block on him because it's the 70s and parents hated their kids.
The chief takes a break and just chills.
It's nice that he's on duty and can just take a moment to himself.
He's terrified of some old dude in a speedo.
So am I, dude.
It's nice that he's on duty and can just take a moment to himself.
He's terrified of some old dude in a speedo.
So am I, dude.
So a production company ("Bad Hat Harry") in a speedo comes up to provide exposition that the sheriff hates the water.
He kept screaming "I don't drink water. Only whiskey" when we went boating.
He kept screaming "I don't drink water. Only whiskey" when we went boating.
The parents continue to ignore their children so they can plan a swingers party.
Some dude who had a dog has lost said dog.
Poor dog.
Poor dog.
Then human snack #2 gets FUCKKKKKKEEEEDDDDDDD by an alligator shark.
It starts rolling like a gator.
It starts rolling like a gator.
We then get one of the coolest shots in cinema history.
If I was dinging sins, I'd take 50 off.
If I was dinging sins, I'd take 50 off.
Everyone freaks out and scrambles out of the water. Everyone but Snack #2.
We see a $3,000 reward for the shark getting caught.
Today that'd be about $3,000,000.
Today that'd be about $3,000,000.
We see a bunch of media trying to do "gotcha journalism" with the sheriff.
Asking questions like "What's a shark" and "Do you exercise your quads?"
Asking questions like "What's a shark" and "Do you exercise your quads?"
This is some lame ass townhall meeting.
The people in the crowd keep screaming "USA! USA!!!!"
It's obnoxious.
The people in the crowd keep screaming "USA! USA!!!!"
It's obnoxious.
We find out that the chief is gonna close the beach. The mayor adds "for only 24 hours."
The people in the audience whine that it'll kill their business.
They literally care more about their business than the safety of people.
ARE YOU SEEING THE GOD DAMN MODERN CONNECTION????
The people in the audience whine that it'll kill their business.
They literally care more about their business than the safety of people.
ARE YOU SEEING THE GOD DAMN MODERN CONNECTION????
Then Quint scratches his nails on the chalkboard which is as painful as nails on a chalkboard.
If you didn't see my sweet ass image from earlier, here's the drawing of me Quint made just before the town hall meeting started.
If you didn't see my sweet ass image from earlier, here's the drawing of me Quint made just before the town hall meeting started.
Quint's my best friend. He yelled at me. Threw shoes at me. Force-fed me liquor and screamed “Eleven hundred men went into the water, 316 men came out and the sharks took the rest.”
I miss him most.
I miss him most.
Quint says he wants $10,000 to kill the shark Brody made up to cover up for the frat boy's murder spree.
They're all in on the cover up.
It should be noted that $10,000 is basically the equivalent of entire GDP of Europe these days.
They're all in on the cover up.
It should be noted that $10,000 is basically the equivalent of entire GDP of Europe these days.
We cut back to the shark documentary where we see a sign that shows that sharks have superhero powers.
Chief Brody is doing "research" and claims to be an expert after only 5 minutes of reading a mommy blog.
Then his wife comes in and she wants the D. No. Seriously. She begs for it.
It's...oof.
Then his wife comes in and she wants the D. No. Seriously. She begs for it.
It's...oof.
Then we see the chief yelling at his kids for sitting on a boat.
Chief Brody is screaming at his kid and his wife reminds him its his kid's birthday the next day.
Your dad yelling at you before you birthday and gives you a crippling phobia while your mother back him?
*sobs*
Chief Brody is screaming at his kid and his wife reminds him its his kid's birthday the next day.
Your dad yelling at you before you birthday and gives you a crippling phobia while your mother back him?
*sobs*
That night a bunch of drunk fishermen with chains, a hook, a nasty as fuck roast...like...it looks rotted.
They toss it into the water and start screaming "I can make money off this or lottery tickets."
Then they headbutt each other.
They toss it into the water and start screaming "I can make money off this or lottery tickets."
Then they headbutt each other.
The sheriff continues to do 'research' in a book. However, we realize he's illiterate. He only ever looks at the photos.
We cut back to the drunk fishermen. Their roast is being taken by the shark and it rips the god damn dock off (they'd tied it to it).
One of the hicks gets dragged out into the water. He starts screaming about "illegals did this to me" as the shark turns to feast on his ass.
One of the hicks gets dragged out into the water. He starts screaming about "illegals did this to me" as the shark turns to feast on his ass.
Charlie realizes he should have learned more than just doggy paddling as the shark gets closer. He also should have learned to climb.
That's what happens when you skip leg day.
That's what happens when you skip leg day.
The next day a drunk guy comes out of the "Harbor Master" shack. I'm pretty sure that
*burps*
Anyway. Every fisherman in a 300 mile radius is there to fish for shark.
*burps*
Anyway. Every fisherman in a 300 mile radius is there to fish for shark.
We're introduced to Richard Hooper (Dick Hooper).
He's dressed like a navyman from the 1940s who just got off sea duty.
He's dressed like a navyman from the 1940s who just got off sea duty.
The chief is trying to stop all these fishermen from overloading boats.
Dick Hooper tries to help, but the hicks refuse to listen.
Hooper rightly hopes they get got.
Dick Hooper tries to help, but the hicks refuse to listen.
Hooper rightly hopes they get got.
We also find out that chief Brody doesn't see himself as a local.
You shouldn't. The locals sacrifice a maiden to the shark god every year and follow this with more. You're trying to gum up their rituals.
You shouldn't. The locals sacrifice a maiden to the shark god every year and follow this with more. You're trying to gum up their rituals.
We also find out that Dick Hooper is from the Oceanogeographite Assembly and he's there to tell the chief legit science instead of facebook posts.
We see the Trump boat armada going out just cocking everything up.
They're chumming all over the place and throwing freaking TNT for pete's sake.
No. Seriously. It's like that Trumper Boat rally where boats sink and shit.
They're chumming all over the place and throwing freaking TNT for pete's sake.
No. Seriously. It's like that Trumper Boat rally where boats sink and shit.
This god damn movie predicted the future!!!!
HOLY CRAP.
IT DID. IT FREAKING DID!
HOLY CRAP.
IT DID. IT FREAKING DID!
We cut to an autopsy of the girl with crabs or something.
Dick Hooper tells the sheriff it's no boat accident. It's a killing by a frat boy.
The chief gets the frat boy to bribe Hooper and he starts screaming 'IT'S A SHARK ATTACK!!!'
Dick Hooper tells the sheriff it's no boat accident. It's a killing by a frat boy.
The chief gets the frat boy to bribe Hooper and he starts screaming 'IT'S A SHARK ATTACK!!!'
We cut to these hicks all around a dead Tiger Shark "A WHAAATTT??"
They think they got the shark. They didn't.
Hooper corrects them and they call Hooper a libcuck and that it's all fake news.
They start to scream at Hooper for wearing a mask, too.
It's hard to watch.
They think they got the shark. They didn't.
Hooper corrects them and they call Hooper a libcuck and that it's all fake news.
They start to scream at Hooper for wearing a mask, too.
It's hard to watch.
We also watch them take a photo with the "beach closed" sign with the shark.
This is legitimately the Mission Accomplished scene.
This is legitimately the Mission Accomplished scene.
Dick Hooper corrects the hicks that it's scientifically impossible for that to be the right shark. The bite radius isn't right, etc.
The hicks scream that science is a lie and that "I watched it on the flashy box that it's the right shark!!"
They then spit on Hooper.
The hicks scream that science is a lie and that "I watched it on the flashy box that it's the right shark!!"
They then spit on Hooper.
The local Republican Mayor refuses to believe in science and won't let them investigate the shark's stomach contents.
Chief Brody believes in science, though.
They decide to bypass the politicalization of a shark attack and go behind the Mayor's back.
Chief Brody believes in science, though.
They decide to bypass the politicalization of a shark attack and go behind the Mayor's back.
Before that, though, the mother of Snack #2 slaps the DICKKKK out of Chief Brody for "knowing" about the shark and not closing the beach.
Dude. He tried. The Mayor politicized a horrible situation.
Dude. He tried. The Mayor politicized a horrible situation.
In all seriousness. This is an intense scene and well shot and well done.
Like...damn it's good.
Like...damn it's good.
The Mayor tries to cover up the evidence by having the shark thrown into the ocean before it's inspected.
The Chief spends a few moments with his kid while getting hammered on vodka.
The kid is downing white russians.
The Chief spends a few moments with his kid while getting hammered on vodka.
The kid is downing white russians.
Turns out this is the origin of The Dude.
We get a cute scene of the sheriff and his kid.
It should be noted the chief left NYC for his kid's safety. This kid would later be eaten by sharks so...uhh.
NYC would have been better.
SHIT. NOW I'M PRAISING NYC!!!
It should be noted the chief left NYC for his kid's safety. This kid would later be eaten by sharks so...uhh.
NYC would have been better.
SHIT. NOW I'M PRAISING NYC!!!
Dick Hooper comes over to the chief's house.
In the book Hooper RAILS THE FUCK out of the chief's wife. Like...unnecessary sex details that are creepy.
I'm glad they cut that plot out of the movie.
In the book Hooper RAILS THE FUCK out of the chief's wife. Like...unnecessary sex details that are creepy.
I'm glad they cut that plot out of the movie.
We then get some background of Hooper always being into sharks.
So much so that he's obsessed with them and knows that the tiger shark ("A whattt??") isn't the right one.
(This is a damn good scene for character building.
This movie is beyond amazing. I fucking love it.)
So much so that he's obsessed with them and knows that the tiger shark ("A whattt??") isn't the right one.
(This is a damn good scene for character building.
This movie is beyond amazing. I fucking love it.)
We then get a bit where the chief tries to impress Hooper by telling Hooper some of the shark facts he knows.
Uh. Hooper knows all this, but it's cute you're trying to show him you know stuff.
Uh. Hooper knows all this, but it's cute you're trying to show him you know stuff.
HAhahaha
I love that line.
"Why don't we have one more drink and go cut that shark open."
Fuck, this movie is amazing.
I love that line.
"Why don't we have one more drink and go cut that shark open."
Fuck, this movie is amazing.
We then cut over to Hooper performing a sharkopsy.
Which isn't a SciFi original movie about a Shark Octopus. That's Sharktopus.
Which isn't a SciFi original movie about a Shark Octopus. That's Sharktopus.
We find random trash in the shark's stomach. A license plate, bits of netting, Taco Bell, etc.
But it's definitely not the right shark.
They need to close the beach.
But it's definitely not the right shark.
They need to close the beach.
We also find out that this is a Rogue Shark. It rebelled against its shark parents and listens to punk rock and eats people at night.
They go, drunk as shit, out on the water. The chief gets HAMMMERRRREDDDD [head] so he can get on a boat. He hates boats.
And, of course, the chief starts talking about NYC. Jesus. We get it.
And, of course, the chief starts talking about NYC. Jesus. We get it.
We find out that Chief Brody moved to Amity because he's lazy and doesn't want to do any actual work like in NYC.
Dick Hooper then humblebrags that he comes from an insanely wealthy family and that's why he has all this equipment for the boat.
(This is legit a great character bonding moment...fuck this movie is brilliant)
(This is legit a great character bonding moment...fuck this movie is brilliant)
They use these then new, now lame as hell bits of equipment to find a half-sunk boat.
Today we would have an app called "Half-Sunk Boat Finder" or some shit. 0.99
Or, back in 1976, 1/5000th of a penny.
Today we would have an app called "Half-Sunk Boat Finder" or some shit. 0.99
Or, back in 1976, 1/5000th of a penny.
The find Ben Gardener's Boat.
Hooper wants to go check it out. Maybe find some meth. Maybe find a Trump flag. Maybe find a dead corpse and a shark tooth the size of Shaq's right foot.
Hooper wants to go check it out. Maybe find some meth. Maybe find a Trump flag. Maybe find a dead corpse and a shark tooth the size of Shaq's right foot.
Hooper goes around a swimming pool and finds said tooth and said dead dude.
Dick Hooper is so scared the water instantly turns brown.
Dick Hooper is so scared the water instantly turns brown.
Chief Brody pulls out the spotlight and shines it on Hooper. Hooper starts to sing Broadway tunes.
The next day Hooper and Brody try to convince the Mayor.
The Mayor does not GIVE A FUCKKKKKKK.
He keeps screaming "SUMMER DOLLARS! SUMMER DOLLARS!!!!!!"
Then he chokes a peacock to death in front of the Brody and Hooper.
The Mayor does not GIVE A FUCKKKKKKK.
He keeps screaming "SUMMER DOLLARS! SUMMER DOLLARS!!!!!!"
Then he chokes a peacock to death in front of the Brody and Hooper.
We also find out that the Mayor has never heard of a Great White.
Dude. Go watch the movie Jaws and you'll know what a Great White Shark is and realize they can ea...oH..SHIT
I went too meta.
Dude. Go watch the movie Jaws and you'll know what a Great White Shark is and realize they can ea...oH..SHIT
I went too meta.
The Mayor deflects by pointing out graffiti on their town regatta sign.
Like. The mayor would rather the chief find those kids instead of trying to protect people.
The Mayor would be a Senator in any red state.
Like. The mayor would rather the chief find those kids instead of trying to protect people.
The Mayor would be a Senator in any red state.
Hooper is sick of the Mayor's bullshit and gaslighting.
He tries to leave, but the chief stops him.
Hooper tries to explain to the Mayor just some basic scientific facts about a shark.
The Mayor pulls out certain religious book and screams about how sharks aren't in it.
He tries to leave, but the chief stops him.
Hooper tries to explain to the Mayor just some basic scientific facts about a shark.
The Mayor pulls out certain religious book and screams about how sharks aren't in it.
The Mayor then says that Hooper is only saying this to get famous.
The Mayor then tells the chief that the beaches will remain open no matter how many people have to die.
They gotta keep the stock market up.
The Mayor then tells the chief that the beaches will remain open no matter how many people have to die.
They gotta keep the stock market up.
The next day lots of phone calls because back in the day, communication was a pain in the ass.
We then cut to my nightmare. ASSLOADS OF PEOPLE crowding a tiny area.
Ugh. We used to live like savages before covid.
Just genitals to butt crammed together.
We then cut to my nightmare. ASSLOADS OF PEOPLE crowding a tiny area.
Ugh. We used to live like savages before covid.
Just genitals to butt crammed together.
All of us going out into the hot ass sun and getting sunburn and buying overpriced junk and food and pretending like we liked the beach.
But the crowds and the heat made us miserable and we got sand up our butts and it just was lame.
We swore never to do it again, but we did.
But the crowds and the heat made us miserable and we got sand up our butts and it just was lame.
We swore never to do it again, but we did.
Where was I?
Right.
Uh. Some kids are in an arcade and playing a game where you shoot a shark.
It looks pretty cool and I have no clue how a hipster hasn't made a rip off of this on the apple store.
I'd buy it.
Right.
Uh. Some kids are in an arcade and playing a game where you shoot a shark.
It looks pretty cool and I have no clue how a hipster hasn't made a rip off of this on the apple store.
I'd buy it.
But kids today. Always with their arcades and their bicycles and their 70s attire and their McDonald's back when it tasted good.
We cut to the chief trying to coordinate with hooper who is out on patrol.
They're trying to keep the people safe.
They're trying to keep the people safe.
Meanwhile, a "fake newscaster" (that might be the writer...I don't care enough to google) does a hit piece on sharks.
He's trying to bring down Amity and Big Shark.
That prick.
He's trying to bring down Amity and Big Shark.
That prick.
The mayor is PISSSEEEEDDD people aren't in the water. Like he legit blackmails and insults people to make them go swimming.
Making them risk their lives for the perception that things are completely okay.
DO YOU FUCKING GET HOW THIS IS THE MODERN GOD DAMN GQP?????????!!!!!!!!!
Making them risk their lives for the perception that things are completely okay.
DO YOU FUCKING GET HOW THIS IS THE MODERN GOD DAMN GQP?????????!!!!!!!!!
Ah, shit.
There's a knock on my door and it might be that damn Land Shark.
I'll be back in a few minutes or so.
There's a knock on my door and it might be that damn Land Shark.
I'll be back in a few minutes or so.
Okay. Back. The land shark was bringing me my Thai food.
He kept telling me about how dolphins have space lasers or some shit. I don’t know. I gotta report his ass.
He kept telling me about how dolphins have space lasers or some shit. I don’t know. I gotta report his ass.
Right. So the Mayor legit forces people into the water.
The remake of this is going to get protested for being anti-Republican even if they remade it word for word.
The remake of this is going to get protested for being anti-Republican even if they remade it word for word.
The people forced into the water look terrified. Seeing these terrified cucks didn’t die, others join to be part of the shark smorgasbord.
The chief’s kid is trying go in with his buddies into the ocean. The chief has him put it in the pond instead. That won’t end well.
Again. I wouldn’t let my hypothetical kids near the water if I knew there was a shark. Wtf, chief.
People splash around like wounded seals so that the shark gets real excited.
The patrols continue to look for sharks.
The mayor then goes on TV and lies. He says they killed a shark that had injured people, but it was no big deal.
Again. Replace shark with Covid and it’s the current GQP.
Again. Replace shark with Covid and it’s the current GQP.
There’s a shark fin! Panic at the disco. I mean it doesn’t surprise me they had a disco during the 70s.
Everyone is told to get out of the water. The Mayor screams “Fake news”
We see parents leave their kids to die. I’m not kidding. The 70s were a brutal time to be a kid. No wonder Gen X is so god damn jaded.
We see parents leave their kids to die. I’m not kidding. The 70s were a brutal time to be a kid. No wonder Gen X is so god damn jaded.
Of course it turns out to be two kids playing a prank. They scream, “It’s a prank, bro!”
They didn’t even get internet clout. Lame.
They didn’t even get internet clout. Lame.
The Mayor screams “See. Sharks aren’t real. Get back in the water you god damn peasants. I refuse to go, though, because I know sharks are real and I don’t want to die. You, though? Go pound sand, voter.”
Then some teen screams there’s a shark in the pond.
Since she’s a woman, no one listens to her first.
The chief realizes he sent his kid to the pond because it’s safe. It was connected to the ocean ya jabroni.
This other dude in a boat screams about crypto and then gets eaten by his sold options being assigned to him.
The chief’s son escapes death, but he’s catatonic. That dude is gonna need soooo much therapy. Therapy the 1970s did by giving you blow and a pillow to hit.
The chief’s son escapes death, but he’s catatonic. That dude is gonna need soooo much therapy. Therapy the 1970s did by giving you blow and a pillow to hit.
We cut to the hospital where Brody’s kid is being wheeled in. He negotiates for TV and ice cream. Smart kid.
Brody’s wife talks about NYC. We get it. The pizza is the best there.
Brody’s wife talks about NYC. We get it. The pizza is the best there.
The Mayor shows up acting like it’s not his fault. He starts to blame immigrants, but Brody is pissed. He wants to hire Quint. My best friend.
The Mayor screams about August and immigrants. He keeps screaming immigrants made him keep the beaches open. Then he yells that Democrats were actually the ones who kept it open and he tried to close it. He screams stolen election and kicks a puppy.
Back in the day people thought the Mayor was an impossible parody. Now, the Mayor is the next GQP presidential candidate. He’s gonna run on a platform of feeding poor people to sharks.
Brody breaks a piece of wood called “The filibuster” and whacks the Mayor upside the head.
He makes the Mayor sign the contract.
He makes the Mayor sign the contract.
We then get a seen of Quint using his Rock Star contract to get perks for the gig.
He then gives the chief moonshine and says “Here’s to swimmin’ to bow-legged women.”
See. All sailors have the hots for Olive Oyl!
He then gives the chief moonshine and says “Here’s to swimmin’ to bow-legged women.”
See. All sailors have the hots for Olive Oyl!
We find out a few things. The first is Quint’s booze sucks and second that he has a shark jaw fetish.
Dick Hopper comes back onto the scene to join the hunt for the shark. It should be noted that I was outside buying hot dogs for Hooper. He told me we were going on a little sightseeing tour.
I didn’t know how crazy it’d get.
I didn’t know how crazy it’d get.
We then get Quint yelling that only poor people can fish or some shit. He mumbles about harleys and shit.
They made me carry a bunch of stuff on the boat. Most of it was Hooper’s stuff. Including a Go Go Dancer dancing Cage
“You go inside the cage. Cage goes in the water. You go in the water. Sharks in the water. Our shark.”
Confirmed. Quint was the inspiration of Yoda. #inspirational
Confirmed. Quint was the inspiration of Yoda. #inspirational
Quint then sings a little ditty. It’s awesome. I love Quint. He has a songbird voice, too.
We also find out that the chief gets motion sickness. We also see Hooper and Quint starting their Odd Couple sitcom.
I would watch the fuuuckkkk out of an Odd Couple houseboat sitcom with those two.
Quint starts to do the whole “There once was a man from Nantucket” bit.
This movie taught me a lot of things I didn’t understand as a kid.
This movie taught me a lot of things I didn’t understand as a kid.
“I see you have your rubbers”
How did they get that past the censors for this family film?
No. Seriously. It’s minutes of Quint drunkenly insulting people and shit. It’s amazing.
How did they get that past the censors for this family film?
No. Seriously. It’s minutes of Quint drunkenly insulting people and shit. It’s amazing.
We then see the chief’s face when he chums. There’s seaman all over the deck.
Quint tells the chief to mark his chum. I’m not kidding.
We then see that the chief has the sea legs of a drunk rabbit.
We also get to know that air tanks can go boom.
We also get to know that air tanks can go boom.
We then get a knot tying lesson from Quint.
No. Seriously. This whole ending is one of the best male bonding/man vs nature in cinematic history.
No. Seriously. This whole ending is one of the best male bonding/man vs nature in cinematic history.
We then see Quint get ready for some deep sea fishing.
Dude is gonna hook a Marlin and keep it from the World Series. Huh. Sports humor!
Dude is gonna hook a Marlin and keep it from the World Series. Huh. Sports humor!
We then get more Odd Couple moments. Quint insulting Hooper. Hooper passive-aggressively responding.
Quint continues to fish. He keeps trying to sell us some MLM for fishing lures.
Quint continues to fish. He keeps trying to sell us some MLM for fishing lures.
Quint tells the others to get their gloves ready. Uh. I think Quint has hooked a tuna.
The line snaps. We find out that Quint uses piano wire. At that moment the chief realizes that Quint had been garroting hookers.
The Amity Hooker Hanger they call him.
The chief asks for a bribe to cover it up. We get a headline “Sharks garrotes hookers.”
The Amity Hooker Hanger they call him.
The chief asks for a bribe to cover it up. We get a headline “Sharks garrotes hookers.”
Hahaha. I love the relationship between Hooper and Quint. The pay off during the drunk night scene is beyond comparison.
We then get one of the most quotable lines ever.
This movie actually saw into the future and stole this line from the movie Blow.
Get it. Line. Blow. I’m a god damn wordsmith like Bill Shakespeare.
Get it. Line. Blow. I’m a god damn wordsmith like Bill Shakespeare.
We then get the full push of one of the greatest movie songs ever. Duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh
We then get to see just how big the shark is and it’s impressive and it doesn’t linger on it like Star Trek the Motion Picture. Ugh. We get it. It’s the enterprise.
It’s a 25 foot shark.
Then Brody makes the biggest sin. He repeats his line that got a laugh “You’re gonna need a bigger boat. Right?”
We heard it the first time, dude. Find fresh material.
Then Brody makes the biggest sin. He repeats his line that got a laugh “You’re gonna need a bigger boat. Right?”
We heard it the first time, dude. Find fresh material.
Hooper then demands Brody go King of the World so Hooper can get a photo for Instagram.
They then get a scene where they shoot harpoons into the shark and attach barrels to it.
It’s such an intense scene. God damn is this movie amazing.
It’s such an intense scene. God damn is this movie amazing.
The barrel goes into the water and it’s being used to wear out the shark by not allowing it to submerge.
They give chase as uplifting music plays. Then the barrel disappears.
They give chase as uplifting music plays. Then the barrel disappears.
Quint does the King of the World, but Brody refuses to go up there with him.
We cut through Brody’s objections to the drunken scene. This is one of the best male bonding scenes ever. EVER!
This scene instantly causes your body to produce more testosterone just by watching it.
This scene instantly causes your body to produce more testosterone just by watching it.
We see Quiny and Dick Hooper compare scars. Hahahaha. So good. God. Such brilliant acting.
We then hear the story of the USS Indianapolis. Some say it was improvised. Some say not. Everyone claims credit and I know why. It is one of the best monologues ever. Just perfect.
Shaw killed it.
Shaw killed it.
That scene…oof. Sends chills down my spine.
That is a masterclass on acting.
Apparently this was a reshoot because the previous day Shaw had been so drunk he screwed up the scene.
That is a masterclass on acting.
Apparently this was a reshoot because the previous day Shaw had been so drunk he screwed up the scene.
We then get them bonding over singing a song together and I still randomly sing it to this day. “Show me the way to go home.”
We also see that Jaws is back.
We also see that Jaws is back.
Jaws is a music snob and hates that song. It screams “my ex wife loved that song” and beats the shit out of Quint’s boat.
Quint is so manly that a fire starts and he casually tells Brody to out it like.
Quint is so manly that a fire starts and he casually tells Brody to out it like.
Jaws continues to scream that it’s gonna “eat your booty like it’s groceries.”
You know those Gen Z sharks. Always into ass eating.
You know those Gen Z sharks. Always into ass eating.
The next day they’re trying to fix the boat as the barrel pops up.
It means Jaws is ready for booty eating.
They try to hook up with Jaws via the barrel.
It means Jaws is ready for booty eating.
They try to hook up with Jaws via the barrel.
Jaws tries to hook up, but they’re too shy.
Brody tries to call in the Coast Guard, but Quint hates modern technology. He destroys the radio and screams “The radio is now Covid started!!!”
Quint wants to add another barrel to Jaws’ outfit. They succeed and jaws takes the two barrels jet skiing. How nice!!
Quint King of the Worlds it again as he screams he wants port wine.
They put another barrel on Jaws and Brody tries to shoot a load into Jaws’ mouth as it swims by.
Look. I know this isn’t an issue, but Quint’s boat violates every clean air law. It’s one thing to eat swimmers and quite another to pollute the ocean and our air. Just saying.
So they try to drag Jaws back to shore for the “taxidermy man.”
We then see Jaws eating th…did the shark just roar????
We then see Jaws eating th…did the shark just roar????
This is the Old Man and the Sea, but I actually enjoy it. Suck on it like a barrel, Hemingway!!!
Oof. That might be too dark a joke for even me.
Oof. That might be too dark a joke for even me.
We find out that Jaws can’t keep down three barrels. Or maybe he barrels are lonely down in the water.
We also get some amazing Ahab moments for Quint. We even see fear in Quint for the first time. He’s not singing. He’s not joking. He’s scared.
They decide to head to shallow water.
We also find out that Jaws is special. Unprecedented.
Basically, Jaws makes all the other sharks look like basic bitches.
We also find out that Jaws is special. Unprecedented.
Basically, Jaws makes all the other sharks look like basic bitches.
Like we legit see Quint scared. He goes too fast despite Hooper’s warning.
God. This movie is brilliant.
God. This movie is brilliant.
Quint’s driving causes the engine to get proper fucked and they’re a sitting duck.
The fear is palpable. The sheriff hasn’t felt fear like this since he was almost caught covering up a murder.
The fear is palpable. The sheriff hasn’t felt fear like this since he was almost caught covering up a murder.
They stand around waiting for the inevitable. I can tell you this because I was just off screen sobbing.
Quint ignored my cries and told Hooper to get into the cage and shank the shark.
Quint ignored my cries and told Hooper to get into the cage and shank the shark.
You couldn’t pay me enough to get into a shark cage.
It’s like playing chicken but with a shark that’ll eat you dick and all.
It’s like playing chicken but with a shark that’ll eat you dick and all.
So Hooper gets into the cage and spits into his goggles because “Ain’t like you punk asses will spit in my face for me.”
Quint says he will for the right price.
Quint says he will for the right price.
We’re now back to the nature documentary.
You’ve seen the footage. Man goes in cage. Cage goes in water. Man goes in water. Shark is in water. Shark is in cage trying to eat the booty.
You’ve seen the footage. Man goes in cage. Cage goes in water. Man goes in water. Shark is in water. Shark is in cage trying to eat the booty.
Jaws start up Raptor stealths behind Hooper. Hooper immediately poops himself and drops the jab stick.
Hooper screams. Like. He screams way less than I would have.
Hooper screams. Like. He screams way less than I would have.
Jaws opens up the tin can and goes for the tasty human inside.
In the book Hooper got got so hard.
In this movie Hooper runs away…swims away.
In the book Hooper got got so hard.
In this movie Hooper runs away…swims away.
They pull up the cage and it starts to flood the hell out of the boat as Jaws is inside the cage ripping at it.
It’s at this point it should be noted that Hooper has fucked off. I would have done the same.
I would leave damn near anyone to die if it was betw…HOLY SHIT!!!
I would leave damn near anyone to die if it was betw…HOLY SHIT!!!
This is one of the most brutal deaths in film. Screw Saw. This is gore!
Uh. Wasn’t Quint the quint person to get eaten?
Uh. Wasn’t Quint the quint person to get eaten?
So Jaws Kool-AID Mans his way into the boat in an attempt get get his…chief target.
As the boat sinks, I got onto a speed boat and drove away. The chief climbed the mast with a spear and gun. He shanks Jaws. Jaws is pissseeedddd.
We also see that Jaws has something stuck in his teeth. An air tank.
Brody’s accuracy is as good as mine and he keeps missing.
He finally remembers to do a one liner (Smile you son of a…fish???) and the accuracy immediately improves.
Jaws is turned into fish sticks.
Brody’s accuracy is as good as mine and he keeps missing.
He finally remembers to do a one liner (Smile you son of a…fish???) and the accuracy immediately improves.
Jaws is turned into fish sticks.
Brody is now left with soiled pants and no flotation device. He does, however, have one last…Hooper. Hahshahahahahahaha.
Hooper realizes the coast is clear and comes back to claim some of the credit. Like. Hooper will use this story to get so much ass. Well. That and his millions.
They create a makeshift boat out of barrels and boards.
They kick towards the shore and chat.
Holy shit what an ending.
They kick towards the shore and chat.
Holy shit what an ending.
Well. That was Jaws and it was fuckkkkingggg awesome!
There’s a reason why it was the first summer blockbuster (on top of other reasons…shut up…give this to me).
It is basically a perfect movie. Amazing acting. Amazing characters. Amazing music. Amazing setting.
There’s a reason why it was the first summer blockbuster (on top of other reasons…shut up…give this to me).
It is basically a perfect movie. Amazing acting. Amazing characters. Amazing music. Amazing setting.
There’s also a reason this caused people to fear the water. Jaws was such an incredible villain. No motive except to feed and feed and never stop.
It was the culmination of nature’s wrath in animal form.
It was the culmination of nature’s wrath in animal form.
This movie also told the future of the GQP when it came to how they and their base would react to a deadly force of nature that people needed to work together against.
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