Thread by @Soundsaboutrig4

Not everyone knows this, but @Soundsaboutleft and I once went on a treasure hunt. Specifically...pirate's treasure!

We were living in the rough parts of Astoria when we found it in some dude's attic. We stole the map and found the rich stuff.

#Goonies #GooniesNeverSayAnything

The map told us to go to Astoria, Oregon. Well, after we swung by @Powells and @VoodooDoughnut.

Then we headed out to do the Ickey Shuffle.

We made our way to Astoria and stopped by Cannon Beach to look at the big rock and eat some starfish we battled.

We also saw a car race that turned into a chase.

Astoria is a pretty baller town at the mouth of the Columbia.

We spent a lot of time there trying to recreate the steps of our favorite movie.

Mostly we got chased off by people going "They filmed that on the other side of town!!!"

Yeah. Turns out they didn't do the Truffle Shuffle at the McDonald's.

Who knew?

(In all seriousness, please don't be one of those people who harasses the people who live in those houses. That's not cool at all.)

This legit is one of my favorite movies of all time.

This movie is hands down one of the movies that I will always cherish and that holds up even to this day.

It stars @SeanAstin, Josh Brolin, @Jeff_B_Cohen, Corey Feldman, Ke Huy Quan, Kerri Green, Martha Plimpton, Joe Pantoliano, Robert Davi, John Matuszak, and the always insanely talented Anne Ramsey.

*gestures*

Seriously. What an amazing cast!

With all that said, I'm going to do my usual schtick of being weird and dumb and saying insane things because that's what this is all about.

My 2 fans DEMAND this.

I gotta go grab some ice cream and start singing "Goonies R Good Enough" at an unnecessarily high volume.

.@curmudgeon_red @noondlyt @DuckieNinja @karen_dippity @charmsblowpop

We start out going out of a skull whose entire existence is dotting the i of Goonies.

We cut to a tiny ass jail. A tough cop comes up to a cell with someone who looks like he ganked himself.

The cops reads the note. It says “Jet Fuel can’t melt jail bars, but your ignorance let me out.”

This is one of the Fratelli Brothers. They’re like the Marx Brothers except they kill literally instead of on the stage.

And everything else about them.

The Frat[elli] Bro runs out of the prison.

Waiting for him is his loving mother and Cypher.

Cypher Cyphers it up and doesn’t let his bro in the easy way. They also light a fire like this is Crystal Lake.

They make their escape.

There’s a car chase thru the mean streets of Astoria.

We see a football get tossed towards probably my first crush. Kerri Green.

More chase scenes and Holy shit I went into that store when I visited. Man. I really did hit all the spots. I didn’t even mean to.

Sorry. We see Rosalita crossing the road and people just driving and and almost clipping her. Even the cops.

We then see Mouth watching an old ass movie and mistaking the car chase with a turned off tv before he gets blasted by sink water.

We see aster getting crabs and Data Dataing the shit out of gadgets. He’s like a cooler Inspector Gadget.

See Stef. Wtf autocorrect.

More car chases and this goes by Chunk. Who is eating pizza, drinking a milkshake, and playing an arcade game. Kid has the best life ever.

He gets got by the window trying to watch the chase.

Then they magically jump like an hour away to Cannon Beach where they are driving on the sand and telling Mother Nature to eat shit. You can’t do that these days.

After magically going by all the main Goonies except the main main goony, we cut to the main goony…gooni?…goon?

The main goon is Mickey played by a hobbit with a potato fetish in his early years.

Mickey is trying to pretend like he hates his house to his brother, Brand. See. They’re losing their houses to rich dbags.

This movie is actually about the proletariat battling the bourgeoise and you can’t tell me otherwise.

Mouth swings by and really makes his nickname known why he is called said name.

Mouth is mad that Brolin screwed up and didn’t get his license. He wanted to go slam ass or get drunk or something.

They’re interrupted by Chunk. He’s a big kid who Mouth forces into humiliating himself to feed into Mouth’s self-loathing issues.

Chunk doesn’t have other friends, so he does the Ickey Shuffle.

Mickey is a nice kid and starts a Rube Goldberg Spear that opens the gate. Just jump over it Chunk. Or, like, lean over and lift the latch.

Like this damn device relies upon a chicken being scared and laying an egg. It also has to have the longest set up time ever. Just totally impracticable. Way to ruin my immersion in a pirate treasure movie!

Chunk comes in talking about ROVs or some shit. Basically, the car chase.

Chunk is called out for being a damn liar by his friends.

The party is then crashed by Data. Then the statue of David crashes and has its dick smashed off.

Like. Damn.

Then we find out that Data is going to be forced to move to Detroit after they after kicked out of their house.

Mickey’s mom comes home with Rosalita. See. The mom broke her arm trying to choke slam Troy, but he weaseled his way out of her arms and she slipped.

The mom mistakenly thinks Mouth will properly translate English to Spanish. She’s wrong.

Mouth goes to help translate.

We then cut to the goonies trying to glue the detachable penis back to the statue.

The mom has Mouth translate innocuous stuff. Mouth takes the time to basically make Rosalita think the family are a bunch of kinky drug pushers.

Poor Rosalita. She is so scared at the end that it’s no wonder she immediately hands over the gems. Uh. Spoilers.

Mom and Rosalita go to the grocery store.

After the mom threatens the kids. “I will cut you if you break my statue dick off!!!”

Like. Mickey gets all the love and affection from his mom. No wonder Brand is kinda a dick to him.

Mouth decides to get the plot going, so they go to raid the attic that’s full of museum stuff.

Even Brand is surprised by all the crap up there. Imagine if eBay existed back then. They’d get like $59.

The Goonies do shenanigans in the attic. Mouth damages a painting for a joke??

Brand starts to look at a pirate book and we get exposition about pirates and Astoria and rejection and breaking stuff so that you can find a map in it.

See. There’s a map. A treasure map. That no one ever figured out before.

Just post it on Reddit. They’ll have it solved in five seconds. Of course it’s a random innocent person they accuse instead of finding the treasure.

We find out that One-eyed Willy (a reference to his pirate dong) had a bunch of treasure and he got got by the Armada.

And like…the treasure was buried and trapped and stuff.

Lots of exposition. They also find a newspaper article about Chester Crackpot.

He was some treasure hunter back when.

See. If this treasure is real, they can stay in Astoria.

We then meet the real villains of this movie. Troy’s POS father and his buddy who smugly are there to give papers for the poor to sign so the rich can build a golf course.

Seize the god damn means of production, Goonies!!!

We get sad music and Mickey has an amazing view from his house of all of Astoria. Like I wouldn’t live there because you know the fans are just constantly swinging by.

They all go inside sad as hell. Wait until 2020. You’ll know how shit things can get.

We then get Mouth being Mouth while Mickey plans to destroy the bourgeoise who are taking his parents’ place.

We then cut to them watching Cyndi Lahore singing about the movie that they’re starring in and it’s Spaceballs.

They then tie Brand up and run because he wouldn’t let them go on a goony..goonus? Adventure.

The mom comes in and ignores her son’s distress and malaprops the dick out of the English language.

We see the Goonies biking away as Brand steals a kid’s bike to give chase. Bet you wish you’d passed the driver’s exam, eh Brand??

We then see the kids biking and Chunk whines about being hungry. Even though in the deleted scene he ate ice cream and shit.

They then match up some rocks with the map.

We then cut to Troy being a creep who then tries to murder Brand. Like. Troy should be in jail by the end of this.

Like Stef and Kerri are witnesses to this attempted murder and they don’t press any charges.

We cut back to the Goonies trying to figure out the map while hammering Chunk.

We then see them align this restaurant with a doubloon from 1632.

Then they choose an arbitrary spot to begin making steps from.

Like that’s a lot of suspension of disbelief.

Mickey wants to go to the restaurant while Chunk is wary. He thinks bad things are going on. Shen…oh crap. Pew pews!!

Except they think it’s a pot being dropped. Chunk was 100% right about everything!

They go to the restaurant and it’s gone to shit.

There’s dirt and cobwebs and dead bodies being lugged about.

Chunk then stumbles across the Fratelli’s vehicle. He freaks and the Goonies go into the restaurant.

They get emotionally destroyed by the Mama Fratelli

Like Anne Ramsey is so damn perfect in this movie.

She asks what he kids want. Mouth opens his mouth and then opens his mouth to cut off his god damn tongue.

I would be shitting myself and then running as soon as I could.

Mama Frat makes them sit down and the Goonies chat about what’s going on and Chunk says how fucked they are. Chunk is Cassandra telling them the truth and they won’t believe.

Mickey needs to piss and begs to go. Mama Frat tells him to stay to the right as he goes to visit Hannibal Lecter.

While snooping around, Mickey stumbles across something monstrous. Jake Fratelli’s singing!

Also. Sloth.

Mickey thinks he’s a Nazgul and freaks the fuck out and runs.

By the time he gets upstairs, Brand has been resurrected from the dead and he drags Mickey and the others out. Mama Frat talks about her love of children.

The Goonies watch as the Frat Bros carry out some bodies to their bullet riddled vehicle.

Chunk wants to go home, but Mickey knows they’ll lose everything if they don’t make that dolla.

Stef and Kerri show up and say how they elbowed Troy the creep.

The Goonies break into the restaurant and Fish Heads!!!!

Things get loud and yelly and they use the power of Kerri to get Brand to let the Goonies go look no understand Brand.

They go to look at Sloth. They see him and freak. Of course they’re really insensitive to Sloth’s physical appearance.

They run away and then Kerri and Brand almost embrace, but they get blocked.

They then continue their B&E.

Luckily for everyone, Chunk is a bit clumsy and he knocks over a water cooler. We hear water dripping in the fireplace.

It’s a secret entrance that…someone covered up for some reason after the restaurant was built on some spot and huh???

Meanwhile, Data discovers a printing press. Yeah. Don’t do that.

Beavis and Butthead tried that with nickels and it didn’t work out.

They think they’re saved, but they’re fake. Like. Poorly faked.

We also find out these are the Fratelli’s and they’re bad.

Chunk is about to leave when he smells ice cream.

He goes into the freezer and doesn’t notice the dead dude behind him.

The body has great comedic timing and lands on Chunk. Ew.

The Fratellis then reappear.

Chunk smells pizza and won’t shut up even though they could die.

Meanwhile the Frat Bros battle over who has better pizza. New York of Chicago. It gets intense until Mama slaps Chicago “You’re a delicious cheese casserole!”

Mickey tells them that they have to go forward to escape.

Chunk is now stuck in the ice cream freezer with the corpse. It’s gotta smell like shit in there.

The Goonies sans Chunk all go down the fireplace.

We get Frat Bro chatter as Mama realizes the cooler has broken.

She then slaps Jake. Man. She really does have a favorite son and it’s not him.

Chunk gets out of the freezer. Mickey and Brand tell Chunk to get the police.

“You go get the police who won’t believe you while we go on a great adventure!!!”

Stef then pulls a Velma and someone knocks her glasses off and crushes them.

Data then blinds everyone.

We cut to Chunk with my favorite quote of the movie. “I’m not afraid of the dsrk. I like the dark. I love the dark, but I hate nature.”

Chunk then jumps into traffic and proves that fate hates him when the people who stop are the Fratellis. They grab Chunk and take him back to the restaurant.

The Goonies find a lantern and man that worked out for them.

They also find a bunch of pipes underground.

They go absolutely apeshit on them.

They cause anarchy to ensue in Astoria. Like. That night will be remembered forever as one of torture and death!!!

Like we see people get got by water fountains, showers, and even Troy gets a bidet ass blasting.

They cause so much damage, that it opens up the next part of the map.

Let me ask something. All these pipes mean workers were down here and none of them explored a cave of wonders??

We then cut to a vitamix commercial. “It’ll blend anything. Including Chunk.”

Mama Fratelli would have been great as an interrogator. Like she’d make Jack from 24 look like a little punk ass.

They mentally break Chunk and he confesses to everything he had ever done. Man. It’s like confession but with a blender.

We cut to Kerri having a panic attack or something as they find Chester Copperpot.

Chester got got by a large rock.

We cut back to Chunk doing one of her best scenes in cinema. The Chunk Confession is amazing.

We then watch them desecrate a corpse to rob him of his baseball card, wallet, “candles,” and the key.

Data goes back to set up Jigsaw Boobytraps.

Mickey then triggers a boobytrap. Let me tell you. I will never not be disappointed that that doesn’t refer to getting motorboated.

A bunch of big stones fall and they escape.

They then hear something and Brand goes “Now batting. Mickeyyyyy Mantle!”

Then rabies with wings fly out. They’re all gonna need a shot. Seriously. The epilogue they don’t show is them all dying from rabies.

And we’re back to Chunk’s movie theater confession. It’s so amazing that the Frat Bros start to like him.

Such a great scene.

Mama still doesn’t believe him. Until the bats blast through the fireplace. The Fratellis also all die from rabies

We then cut to a waterfall that’s actually the wishing well.

Which begs the question why didn’t anyone when building the well go explore and find the treasure???

Also. Depending on how old that well is and isn’t cleaned out, there could be coins in there worth hundreds of thousands of dollars. Hell. Silver spiked in the 80s!!

Stef gets mad that they’re taking coins that people tossed away. It’s all far when it’s down 50 feet. Just saying.

Mickey continues to hallucinate he can talk to Willy.

We cut back to the Fratellis going to out Chunk with Sloth. They see a doubloon and realize it’s all true.

Ya know. The Goonies have a massive head start, but the Fratellis catch up in like five seconds. Just saying.

We then cut to Troy at the wishing well. He cleaned the shit off his clothes rather well.

Troy tosses a coin down and Brand does a return to sender.

Troy and Kerri chat about things. Wishes. Buckets. Wells. Andy. You goony.

They then lock Chunk up beside Sloth. Cypher then threatens Chunk and taunts Sloth. Sloth is watching a pirate movie.

Chunk then tried to bond with Tonda

That’s a reference no one under 40 will get.

The Frats then go down. Well. Not until Mama threatens her least favorite son.

We cut to the Goonies getting ready to get pulled up the well in a bucket with a rope that might hold a gummy worm.

Mickey then gives a Braveheart speech. More about Money than freedom, though.

So instead of going up to Troy, they send up the letterman jacket. Troy is mad.

Just FYI. Andy is such a goony.

We then see Sloth watching a cooking show. He starts going “It’s Raw!”

Then Chunk assaults Sloth with a candy bar. Sloth goes all hulk to get said candy bar. I can relate. I did that with a taco once.

We cut back to the Fratellis stepping on boobytraps and Mama calls them punk asses.

We then see Sloth and Chunk bond over food and get cuddly. Kinda weird.

We see the Goonies trying to figure out the map and they find a place to put the key.

Brand laments his lot in life with Mickey being in it.

Mickey then gets his arm trapped in a thing while another Rube Goldberg goes on.

A trap door opens and Data falls to his dea…oh. He’s saved by his pinchers of power. Anyone else would have gotten a spike enema.

Chunk is now calling the 5-0 and they think the boy who cried wolf is still crying wolf.

Sloth then goes into the fireplace. And, again, they will make it at roughly the same time as the others.

They then have a piss break. There’s a bit of an awkward scene with Kerri thinking Mickey is Brand. Let’s just skip that.

Meanwhile Sloth and Chunk are making incredible time. They’re able to make the night of hell with the water pipes even worse by causing car accidents.

Astoria will forever remember that as the bloodiest night ever.

The Fratellis are hot on their trail.

Kerri comes to make out with Brand, but he tells her the Frat Bros are there.

They run away going “We don’t want to pledge!!”

A chase ensues and Mama Frat is on their asses.

They come to a stream with a log for a bridge. It’s like Dirty Dancing.

The Goonies go to the next area and the Frats try to cross the log, but hey skip and get their balls crushed.

We then see Alice Cooper’s organ. They have to play the notes or get got.

Kerri is press ganged to play. Something she hasn’t done since pre-k.

That’s a lot of pressure. Fuck sink or swim. Play or die takes the cake.

There’s some missed notes as the Frat Bros make their way up. Data takes them out as Kerri’s bad playing is trying to do the same thing.

They open the door and make their escape. Honestly. They could have jumped and pulled themselves over it at least one note before that. Just saying.

They then go down the cool water slide in history. I’m legit jealous.

They land in a massive pool instead of like rocks.

They turn and see the pirate ship. Little known fact is the fact people can’t stop talking about the fact the kids weren’t allowed to see the ship until they filmed that moment.

Luckily for them in this edit, there is no octopus. This is the version I saw as a kid where I went “What fucking octopus? Did I have a stroke?”

The kids then board the ship and start searching for treasure to steal.

Hey find the crew all dead. CSI Astoria about to kick into high gear.

Data and gravity fall down as others use the stairs.

Data has a meltdown.

I should point out they could sell this ship for an absolute fortune.

They haven’t found the gold, so everyone yells. Kerri causes a boobytrap and it opens a trapdoor.

They open it up and Mickey goes in to breathe the black mold.

If this happened today, they would Instagram this shit. “LOL. I’m here with One Eyes Willy. He’s like dead and stuff. OMG. I have sooo much gold LOL. Like and subscribe to my YouTube channel, too. It’s One Eyes Willy Did Nothing Wrong.”

Mickey continues to hallucinate that he and Willy can talk. Mostly it’s Mickey talking shit. “I beat your ass. Now show me what’s behind the eye patch ya dead cuck!”

Mickey. The Fratellis are right on your ass. Move it!!!

The others appear and then rob the Dread Fuck Pirate.

Like I’d be doing gold fights and gold angels and shit. Gotta be honest.

Mickey dumps his marbles for gems.

They then plan a way on how to elude the Fratellis. Mama interrupts their asses. And tells them to come outside to get stomped.

Data tries to fight back. He punches himself, pinchers of power a Frat bro dick, and suctions a pew pew.

However. He’s overwhelmed and everyone gets robbed. Mouth tries to hide stuff in his mout, but Mama isn’t falling for it. Mouth. Keep the rubies you had. Come on. You spit out a couple after she thought you were done.

Kerri is forced to walk the river plank. Brand goes after because. Yeah. I’d had done the same.

Brand rescues Kerri. As the others are about to get got…

Sloth and Captain Chunk kick some frat ass!! “Take this ya Aloha Beta Bitch!”

Alpha. Whatever.

Sloth wins because he’s the best.

He’s Super Chunk and Super Chunk don’t take shit from anyone…even Mama.

Brand then makes out with Kerri. She realizes he doesn’t have braces. Haha. Man. Mickey.

Mama Frat tries to talk her way out of it, but she’s been bad.

She sings to Sloth and we find out she dropped him several times and this gives us some…oof.

Sloth makes her wal…well…get tossed@off the plank.

Sloth then joins the Goonies.

The Goonies reluctantly leave while the frats remain to get that dolla.

The Fratellis get greedy and take boobytrapped gold. Rube Goldberg starts to spear people.

The Goonies accidentally use Nobel Boom Boom sticks and create an opening in the rock.

However, Sloth had to lift up a rock to let them out.

Chunk doesn’t want Sloth to leave him. But it’s the only way.

The drag Chunk away as Sloth is trapped with his family.

We then see the pirate ship lift anchor and the rocks in front of it open up.

We cut to the beach and a couple beach cops sees the Goonies. They call everyone in. Lots of cars and vans and pizza come@to get the kids.

There’s a family reunion for each kid and Data’s dad is awesome. Also. Chunk’s family always bring him pizza. I’m jealous.

At one point we hear Mickey going “Where the fuck your at Willy? Give me your gold!!!”

It’s also implied Stef and Mouth might date. They’ll end up married with 3 kids and Mouth will talk about how he met their mother. “Well. Troy had just tried to murder my best friend’s brother and…”

We then see Brand and Kerri make out. Brand’s mom is all like “Get some!!”

The Frats appear and get arrested. They try to arrest Sloth, but the Goonies provide a body shield while Sloth uses his physical prowess to intimidate.

Chunk then tells Sloth he’s going to live with him. That’s gonna be a fun family conversation and future family reunions.

Meanwhile Troy and his awful father appear to remind us about the stakes. Basically. Being poor sucks shit and rich people will always try to destroy you for their sick pleasure.

Meanwhile Rosalita is rifling through Mickey’s shit and finds the gems. She’s so terrified of Mickey’s family that she tells them to not sign the paper.

She pours into Mickey’s mom’s hand a shitload of gems. They got that dolla!

Mickey’s dad tears up the contract and throws the confetti into the air. Someone else must have done the same because we see yet another mass of confetti get thrown up seconds later. Weird.

The media appears to interview these kids who have been hunted by criminals.

We then see the pirate ship sail away. If it was me, I’d jump into a god damn boat and fucking claim the salvage rights!!!!

Mickey hallucinates one final conversation with Willy. Sloth screams and the credits roll.

Well. That was The Goonies and it is legit one of the best adventure movies ever. All praise be to them!

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