Not a lot of people know this, it I was a detective during the 80s for the Los Angeles Potato Department. I investigated everything from fried not cooked enough to potatoes having too many god damn eyes.

So follow my journey.

I know what you are thinking “Holy shit is it late. What is wrong with you?”

Lots. Thanks for judging.

Now go potato yourself.
Where was I? Oh. Right. This movie stars a guy who people loved and who loves to leave horrendous messages and Danny Glover. Not to be confused with Donald Glover.

Which I’m just going to use that as an excuse to post Bonfire because that dong is lit.

Oh. And it has Tom Atkins being amazing and Busey doing what he normally does on a weekend.
Duck you autocorrect.
Mother fucker!!
So it starts out with Jingle Bell rock playing. People never talk about this as a Christmas movie…or they do. Who cares.
We zoom in on someone tripping balls. A blonde woman. I’m sure she won’t have something bad happen. Not with this ominous music.
We see her Jenny (Forest Gump) it up and the. The cameraman gets drunk and spins around the city to show us she’s high and high up.

She gets up on…okay. Seriously. Stop that. That is not safe, ohhh shit. She…ohh no. That’s not good.
We cut in on Danny Glover with a sexy beard taking a bath. Well. This movie starts out right.
Then his family barges in and sings happy birthday. Uh. He’s naked. His family comes in on him bathing and they hug and kiss him and WTF.
His daughter even says he’s old as fuck. Man. Weird ass family.
We then cut to a dog running across a beach and into a RV. An RV? Either way that property is now 30 million to own now.
We see Mel Gibson asleep while smoking and waking up coughing and listening to TV. And…he’s naked. Damn. This movie is just pandering to women like all 80s action films. Where’s the stuff for the guys????!!
I need to write an essay about how
Mel pisses while drinking and let me tell you that is difficult to do without getting it everywhere.
We cut back to Glover’s family. Kids barge into the house. What is up with people just barging into places.
We get the typical dad with wife with breakfast.

Oh, and he’s gotten a call from Tom “Bad Ass” Atkins.

Oh. And that day Glover turned 50. He’s about to Break Bad.
We get more “Teen daughter wearing clothes he doesn’t like” stuff.
We cut to Glover going to the scene of where that lady swan dived. He’s told happy birthday and he’s given a hooker….to interview.
Glover let’s the prostitute go but not before insulting her by misquoting the Ramones.

So the girl who…uh. Yeah. She’s Tom Atkins’ daughter.
We see Glover holding a photo of her as a kid with her dad. Glover calls his wife to get his number. Man. Lots of coincidences….or is it?

Also. Someone let that sax player take a break. He keeps playing at dramatic moments.
We cut to Gibson sampling the original ingredient in Coca Cola. This wasn’t for the film. This was from one of his home movies. They added it after they realized it added to the story.
He’s doing a deal. Hey. It’s at a tree lot. This is a Christmas movie.

He tries to pay them like $100 instead of 100k. So he just tries to arrest them.
Then he just second amendments the dick out of them after they think he’s a fake cop trying to rob them.
Dude is doing this without backup. That sounds like a bad idea. Like. He should be gone.
Finally backup arrives and one of the dealer takes him hostage. Gibson tells the cops to ventilate both of them. He’s a wild card!!!
You see. Gibson has a
We cut to Gibson drinking alone in his RV all sad as hell looking at wedding photos.

Man. This movie should start a legit discussion about mental health, but it’s all played off for laughs.
Gibson takes out a single pew pew unit and …oof. His character is legit in need of help.
Like. Later movies treat this as an even bigger joke.

Also. This is a legitimate problem and we really need better mental healthcare in this country.
Man. This movie is making my unfunny reviews wayyyy too serious. I forgot this part of the movie.

Like Gibson needs sooo much therapy for coping with his loss.
We cut to a bunch of cops beating a Christmas song (Silent Night) to death acapella style. They then planted a weapon on Silent Night and sprinkled powder around it.
We cut to Gibson’s boss talking to the “shrink” about Gibson. His boss thinks he’s faking while we find out he just lost his wife.

That’s some:
His boss suckkkkkkkssssssssss!!!
Like his boss says that if he does himself then he’s wrong.
We cut to Glover being mansplained about being an 80s man by some weirdo.
We get the test results back. Seems like she was poisoned before she uh…yeah.
Glover sees Gibson looking like a weirdo who lives up in a cabin in be woods.

Gibson pulls out a pew pew and Glover thinks he’s a madman. Glover tries to tackle Gibson, but Gibson puts him on his ass.
Glover is introduced to Mel as his partner and then they chat about Vietnam and pew pews as they go to the car. Man. People had worse shit to talk about before the internet.
And then Glover says the title of the movie in relation to Gibson. Man.
Then Gibson talks about the Catch 22. Either people think he’s crazy or wants hazard pay.

Blah blah we’re not friends now but by the end we’ll be best of buds. I mean I get this is THE buddy cop film, but man it felt formulaic upon inception.
Glover: “God hates me.”

Gibson: “Hate him back. Works for me.”

It’s like they know me so well.
We cut to some dude going into some place where Busey is screaming at chickens.
Busey makes the chickens Pat the guy down as Busey starts to eat broken glass.
We are in a nightclub and some old dick is Busey’s boss. The random dbag complains about Busey being a mercenary.

Old dick disproves it being an issue by burning Busey’s arm in front of him.

I don’t mean to kink shame, but god damn.
Busey grabs a random chair and begins to make out with it.

Random dbag is there to buy smack from Old dick.
Before the dbag can leave, Busey dry jumps his lef and talks about Chinese lanterns. It’s awkward.
We cut to Glover talking to Tom Atkins. Tom Atkins is the man.
Glover is telling him what happened to his daughter. We also find out he called Glover to help get his daughter out of a rough life.
Tom Atkins calls in the favor Glover owes him. “Find who’s response for this…and kill them.”

Yeah. I understand Tom.
We cut to Gibson eating a hot dog after hearing the murder for hire plot Glover didn’t completely say no to.
They get a call about another person who is going to…uhh. Man. Automatic Twitter would eat my butthole if I typed it out. Let’s say he’s taking dive lessons from a building roof.

Gibson is excited about the call.
Gibson goes up to talk to the guy. He starts talking about the stations of the cross and using racial slurs. It’s very uncomfortable.
Gibson is on the roof top and…hey. I can see my house from there!!
Gibson goes out on the ledge and starts to piss off it. He screams more slurs.
The guy who wants to dive talks about how he’s not doing anything bad. Gibson keeps sliding up to him whispering “You ever watch the Three Stooges????!”
Gibson then offers him a smoke and cuffs himself to the guy. This…this a sex thing? Ugh. So much shaming I have to stop myself from doing.
Gibson then goes “Let’s do it. Let’s destroy our career!”

Then they go diving onto one of those stunt landing areas. Uh. Cut. We could see the stunt pad.
Glover is mad at Gibson for destroying both their careers and drags him into a business. He yells at Gibson “Why would you do a movie about a god damn beaver????!”
Gibson screams “Braveheart was a good movie even if inaccurate!”
Glover thinks Gibson is faking it. Glover had to use his thumb to stop the firing pin from going pew pew. He realizes Gibson is serious.

“Fine. I’ll do a cameo in Maverick!!”
Dry humps his leg. Wtf
Glover then drives to a bridge to use a phone to call the shrink. Jesus. Life before cell phones (besides sucky car ones) was the worst
Glover yells at the unstable guy and they drive away after Glover does an illegal Uturn
Glover mumbles to himself “I got all kinds of shit, but my new partner is crazy. Ugh. He wants to do a movie about conspiracy theories!!”
So they’re on their way to find Tom Atkins’ daughter’s sugar daddy in Beverly Hills. Gibson lights up and is a total dick for making jokes when Glover asked him politely not to@smoke in his car.
The house is like my ego: massive and fragile
They snoop around the side without a warrant. Yeah. You were invited in by some random person.
They go around back. Uh. They see a ton of Coca Cola and then some dude from Miami Vice starts to pew pew. Lots of pew pewing and POWs and pews and palsmsnndbbrbb
Oh. And one of the people lives one of my nightmares. He falls into a pool with a cover and it wraps around him and NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
Holy crap that has an amazing view. I want it. After I fill in the pool.
We see so many commercials in this movie. I can’t tell if this is just showing their normal lives of watching tv or paid advertisement.
Holy shit. All these people watch are commercials and Family Feud.
Gibson comes over to Glover’s house. So your partner is unstable and has tried several times to punch out…but…eh…whatever. They had nothing else to do back then.
Glover insults his wife’s cooking and then offers whiskey. I think.
Then lots of blah blah fjjdndnnzmj
Glover’s daughter flirts with Gibson while the other kids rap about her flirting. Then Glover raps and…Uh. I’m not exaggerating.
They then go into Glover’s boat to drink more and Jesus. Don’t get the unstable guy drunk.
Gibson doesn’t think the sugar daddy murdered the daughter. And dmnmxnk

I’m too tired for this kind of pacing
We then get a debate about booze vs pot and ther
I gotta piss. Tell me if I missed anything while they chit chat.
Shit. I just realized I’m the one reviewing this and no one is going to…fuck.
Man. I wish Busey would come out and start chewing on Glover’s boat.
I get this is vital character development and bonding, but…

Wait. Gibson talks about his first experience with something.

“I do it real good. When I was 19 I did a guy in Laos from a thousand yards out.”
That night Glover chases some pussy…cat.
He’s opening his presents. Alone. Without his family.

He also had some envelope with a p o r n in it. He watches it while wearing glasses and staring like a serial killer.

He isn’t even wanting it. Sooo many kinks in this!!
Oh. Wait. It’s the daughter of his friend. Uh. Even creepier. He falls asleep to porn. Not kidding.
He’s woken by Gibson the next morning. He’s all sticky.

Gibson goes “What was the name of that hooker you misquoted The Ramones to?”

Her name is Dixie or Dicksee.
We cut to a firing range where they discuss Dixie and the daughter. They find it “disgusting.”


So much homophobia in 80s films.
Yeah. Glover jerking off all night to Lesbian porn and you get all judgmental.
I thought Glover was saying Cinnamon, but he says center mass. I think he’s proud he sprays onto men in one spot. That’s precision and accuracy when he does it again.
Gibson then shows off his pew pewing skills by having a nice day hahahababaabababsbs he makes a happy face habahshshshshshss have a nice day rhjjensnddjenrjdnjnjdjd

Do you get the fuckjdng rjdntkdnd refeneeence
We cut to them going to Dicksee’s house. Before they can get over there Dicksee goes to pieces hahahahahahabshshahashsbsh
Gibson’s coat catches on fire. When Glover goes to help, Gibson calls@him a homophobic slur. Ugghhhhhh
They then start to drill the local kids. They beat the kids with phone books and scream “Santa isn’t real!!” until the kids tell them they saw a guy. A guy who coincidentally have the same tattoo Gibson has.
The tattoo says “Plot convenient”

I mean it’s a reference to a particular military group.
Ugh. Glover tries to bond with the kids by talking about go bots.

Holy shit these kids drop some god damn truth

“Momma says policemen shoot black people.”

Gibson laughs and they distract the kids with ice cream wtf
They ask the kid to draw the guy they saw:
The kid says “He was blonde and he bowled at the moon before dry humping the leg of Dicksee.”
Also. The kid saw a tattoo of a person like a hundred feet away. A tattoo an inch wide. Bulllllshhiiiitttt.
We cut to Glover talking to Atkins.

Glover asks “So did all the kids die at the end of Halloween 3? Also. Did you only turn off the local affiliate???”
We find out that Air America is

*snores at Vietnam conspiracy stuff*
Basically. They’re smuggling smack. They’re making millions. They’d make more of Busey would stop using it to brush his teeth with it.
A helicopter comes out of nowhere and they pew pew Atkins. Somehow it was stealth until it was plot necessary.
Busey calls the Old dick from earlier. “The cops know about my toothbrush action.”
Gibson goes around talking to ladies of the night when he gets blasted in a drive by.
Luckily Gibson was wearing unwashed clothes and they stopped the pew pew pellet.
Gibson says it’s Busey who did it. He knows this because Busey screamed out his address and name as he drove by.
We also find out that Glover’s daughter has been taken and her boyfriend is dead in the water. This was a Lose-Win situation for Glover. Hahahahs. Because boys who date your daughter deserve
Hot take. Lethal Weapon 2 is better. Deal with it.
Glover goes to his house and there’s a note. “We have your kid. Either make Gibson stare in a movie where his face is burnt and he’s a pervert or your daughter gets forced to be in a movie with Carrot Top.”
We get a scene where Busey calls the police and ask "HEY. WAS GIBSON GANKED BY ME WHEN I WENT PEW PEW????"

"Who is this?"

We cut to Gibson trying to amp Glover up to go pew pew all the baddies.

"If we don't gank these guys, they're going to make you star in Gone Fishin'."
They get a call "Show up in this secluded spot alone if you want to get your kid back...and for us to not release the footage of you pounding off to your friend's daughter's video."
Wait. Did anyone but me see that awful movie Gone Fishin'?

I guess not based off the box office. was trash.
Gibson hides in the tumbleweeds while Glover goes out in the open.

A helicopter and some vehicles drive up.

Busey is hanging his ass out the limo taking a deuce as they drive.

He screams "Real men shit on the go!"
You know what this movie could use? A TV version of it that is underwhelming.
Oh, crap. I think I saw this seen in Breaking Bad.

"Say my name."


"You're god damn right."
Oh. And glover uses a boom boom to threaten Busey.

Busey laughs "I've spent the better part of my life becoming immune to boom booms."

Busey then leapt on Glover and chewed on him arm.
Gibson starts to pew pew everyone but the important villains because the script says so.
Glover grabs his kid and they drive over people. They didn't need to. Hell. They were random hikers who just stumbled across this.
GIbson then gets captured by the Old Dick. Man. You are so lame that a guy in his 90s got the jump on you.
I knew I should have reviewed part 2. So much better.

DIPLOMATICCCCC IMMUNIIITTTYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It even has Joe Pesci just hamming the shit out of it.

Screw it. This review is now just an appreciation thread to Lethal Weapon 2.
Remember that scene where one of the henchmen gets arrested and then they off him in the office that had plastic on the floor.

Then when main henchman screws up, he walks in and looks around. Diplomatic Immunity guy asks what he's doing. The dude says "Looking for plastic." HAHA
I mean I guess this movie is cool because it inspired Lethal Weapon 5.
Oh, man. They're torturing Gibson with water and electricity.

Reminds me of that scene in Tango and Cash.

No...not the shower scene. Though...hellloooooo Cash
So they torture glover and he goes "Go spit. Go spit. Fuck you. Go spit."
Man. Remember when they went to subway in Lethal Weapon 2??

"They fuck you in the drive thru!!"
So all that water being poured on Gibson and not a single flashdance??
Hey. Remember in Lethal Weapon 3 with the three stooges NES game?

Hahaha...that game sucked.
Remember in Lethal Weapon 3 where

Man. That movie is so freaking forgettable.
Oh. Right. Lethal Weapon. Uh. They get out of being tortured, rescue his daughter, and...uhh...

Start on a tour of their weird nightclub/industrial park/bell tower/power plant/torture club.
They go into the nightclub and start a pew pew out because they're awful cops who don't care about human lives.

They only care...

Seriously. This might be the original and have some good moments, but this is the inferior film in the series compared to the second one.

I went there. DEAL WITH IT!!!
We cut to Busey and his boss escaping the bloodshed that Gibson and Glover are inflicting upon the public.

Busey jumps into a limo and..

OHhh. I remember Lethal Weapon 3 now. Didn't it start with that really cool scene in teh garage with the big bada boom?

Didn't it???
I do remember that Gibson ate dog biscuits in it.

I would say that's weird, but he's a bitch..
Did you know elephants can't jump???
Oh...still more boring chase scenes going on.

This movie starts off really solid, but it just meanders a lot.
Remember Lethal Weapon 4?

It had freaking Jet Li in it.

Soo cool
Or like...we find out that they're making all that money and stuff...and like...Oh OHH.

Chris Rock was in it. So good.
Oh. And Glover pew pews at the Old Dick and he's a terrible shot.

Why is this still going?

Hell. A bus ends Old Dick's life...not Glover.

I think I missed Busey dying from eating too much Candy and Arby's.
Remember in Lethal Weapon 4 when Glover and Gibson both fight Jet Li and he beats the dog shit out of them?


And that one dude earlier in the movie was like "I'm gonna hire Johnny Cochran!!!"
oh...Busey is still alive.

They're going to go get him by carjacking someone and hitting an Arby's drive thru.
My god...I forgot how much this movie dragged it's ass along the carpet like a dog.

Eh. Who cares.
Busey ganks some cops outside the house and goes inside.

There's TV playing music and he hates that.

We get more Christmas movies and trees and Busey screaming "EGG NOG MOTHER FUCKER" as he licks the ceiling.
Busey finds a letter on the tree. It says "Ha. You were allowed to murder the cops up front so you'd stand in front of my tree so I could hit you with a cop car!!!"

No. Seriously. They set those 2 cops up to get got by Busey...WTF
Hey. Remember in Lethal Weapon 2 when Gibson pops his arm out of place to escape a straight jacket...TWICE.

Oh...and Busey is allowed to fight Gibson in hand-to-hand combat in Glover's front yard.

Glover literally makes other cops stand down so they can public...hand to the death.
This...this is a violation of sooo many laws.

Like if Gibson wins, he should be arrested for murder and Glover as an accessory.

Of course they're cops, so they ignore this.
Glover justifies this by saying "He just killed two cops...that we let him kill as bait."
Remember in Lethal Weapon 2 when it ended with them both all jacked up and barely alive because they went through hell?

This one ends with Busey and Gibson dancing like it's West Side Story.....
This fight takes forever, but it's nowhere as cool as the one in They Live.
Finally Gibson pulls a Sonya Blade on him.

Well...half a Sonya. He stops before the climax.

Lame as fuck.
Busye overpowers a half dozen cops as Gibson cuddles Glover.

Gibson and Glover then climax all over Busey at the same time.

Lethal weapon 2 had them ganking the old guy because they knew he'd get away with all his crimes.
We cut to Gibson at the grave of his wife.

He wishes her Merry Xmas and says "Dear Diary. I just met a new friend. His name is Donald Glover. He's too old for this shit. Also. The sequel to this is better in every way."
Gibson then goes over to Glover's house for Xmas dinner.

Well. He goes there to give him a pew pew unit and "he'll understand."

Which sounds like a T H R E A T...just saying
Gibson then jokes " daughter wants to bang me hahahahahahahahahahaahahaha."

Then invites his dog into the house...
Gibson's dog then attacks Glover's cat and Glover goes "I'm too old for this shit that is happening right now in my house while I'm old."
Elvis' I'll be home for Christmas plays to MAKE SURE YOU KNOW THIS IS A GOD DAMN CHRISTMAS MOVIE!!
Well, that was Lethal's no Lethal Weapon 2.

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More from @Soundsaboutrig4

17 Sep
Not everyone knows this, but @Soundsaboutleft and I once went on a treasure hunt. Specifically...pirate's treasure!

We were living in the rough parts of Astoria when we found it in some dude's attic. We stole the map and found the rich stuff.

#Goonies #GooniesNeverSayAnything Image
The map told us to go to Astoria, Oregon. Well, after we swung by @Powells and @VoodooDoughnut.

Then we headed out to do the Ickey Shuffle. Image
We made our way to Astoria and stopped by Cannon Beach to look at the big rock and eat some starfish we battled.

We also saw a car race that turned into a chase.
Read 188 tweets
17 Sep
Oh, man. So here's a hot tip. Never eat #Dune Sandworms if you don't want to...well. Let's just say the Spice Must Flow.

I will say that @Soundsaboutleft did do an impressive job riding a sandworm.

Let's ride on into this review HAHAHA SEE WHAT I DID THERE??!!! Image
So the thing you need to know about the #Dune Sandworm is they're big.

I mean bigger than a breadbox big.

Dare I say they're bigger than a certain orange person's ego. However, they serve a purpose.

See. They poop out the spice. No...seriously. They poop the spice.
Now, usually the people of dune (the Fremen) don't let outsiders into their world, but we were able to charm them with our ...charms.

Also, we bribed them with @tacobell.

They found spice on spicy...ish food wasn't half bad.

Also, Left looks great in a codpiece. Image
Read 10 tweets
14 Sep
Well, I guess the "great minds" have found something else for me to taste test.

*checks notes*

Betadine? Are...ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? The shit you put on your cuts and people are...WHAT THE HELL, PEOPLE?


Don't try this at home. No..seriously. Don't.

(This is parody)
(I'm not kidding. Don't do this. It doesn't work. Get a damn vaccine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is pure satire and in NO WAY suggesting you do this. DON'T DO THIS!!!)
So I postmasts...postmated? I mated with CVS and they brought me betadine.

Right off the bat. They're not drawing me in with this bottle.

How am I supposed to get excited about [not] drinking this or, at the very least, gargling with it? Image
Read 13 tweets
13 Sep
Most fast food places have a secret menu. @Wendys has a secret Fight Club. Well, actually, more like a secret food kumite like in Bloodsport.

@Soundsaboutleft competed in the most recent one.

He still has night terrors about it. He'll randomly wake screaming "Baconator!!!"
Just as a bit of a preface. The Wendy's Kumite is how Wendy's selects its next menu item. Each combatant is one hypothetical menu item.

The winner of the tournament's food they were "given" becomes the newest menu item.

What? You thought a committee or some shit did that?
Left was chosen after he filled out one of those restaurant surveys. Actually, I shouldn't say one. I should say around 3,200 surveys. Each one said "I want free food!!!!" and then had provocative art and our address/phone number.

The dude loves Wendy's. He'd do anything for it.
Read 65 tweets
12 Sep
Can I just point out how obnoxious neighbors can be.

So our little Vlad the Impaler rendition didn’t work with the first five fraggles, so we had several more attempts on our lives.

Now we have about a hundred out there and I just got a sternly written letter from someone.
It reads “You two are literally destroying this neighborhood. No one wants to buy a house on a street with rotting corpses impaled. The smell also is depressing. Please tell us why you’ve slaughtered beloved Saturday Morning characters en mass?

Clean this up or else!”
“Are we the assholes?” I asked Left.

“Uh. Was there any doubt? We spend our days slaughtering and drinking.”

“I think this might have gone too far.”

“It’s either we continue on or we get jobs that pay well enough to buy food. Good luck with that!”
Read 15 tweets
12 Sep
*remember to buy milk and eggs*
*remember to add an alert for keyword search “Ham prices going up.”*
*remember the 5th of November for British friend*
Read 4 tweets

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