Thread by @Soundsaboutrig4

Long ago in a galaxy far, far, far, fafgajfklsjdhk REALLY FUCKING FAR AWAY.

There was a trilogy and it was good...even with those dumb bear-like creatures.

Then they made the prequels and the world wept.

Tonight I weep by watching Attack of the Clones

#CloneWars #Prequels

Hey. I'm told to make these more inter

*gags*

active for my readers so they become more invested.

What's the best original character from the prequel series.

The answer is no one because they all suck and should fill anyone with shame for thinking otherwise.

...moving on.

They continued to take the teased/interesting stuff from the originals, tossed it in a blender, took a dump in said blender, blended, and poured it onto a table covered in paper and went "This is our shooting script!"

I can relate. I just ate Taco Bell and hate everything.

I would normally just go "Hahahaha. @Soundsaboutleft and I were once warriors in the rebel alliance."

Except there's nothing to joke about. This movie sucks. I don't care if you like it.

So there is no joke here. Hell. I would join the empire if it meant stopping these films.

And people will go "The prequels aren't as bad as <crappy movie made in last 5 or whatever years>."

Yeah. And getting kicked in the face with cleats isn't as bad as getting hit in the groin by a sledgehammer.

Still don't...Why do I hate myself?

"Oh, but it's entertaining to watch you suffer."

That's...THAT'S WHY YOU'RE HERE.

Fine.

Screw it.

Let's get on with this.

This movie stars [wars ahahdskjdaskljfdsjkldfsajlsdfajlsdfajklsdfajlksadfjlkasdfafsdlkdafslkjdasflj I AM SO FUCKING FUNNY] people...who cares.

I don't.

Screw the world.

And before I start, can I just say what a waste this film is.

I assumed the clone wars were an alien invasion with a pod people like twist. Like they'd mimic people to infiltrate and the jedi had to use their powers to help figure out the real people from the clones.

Hell, almost anything but "WHAT IF BOBA FETT'S DAD WAS CLONED INTO STORM TROOPERS EVEN THOUGH STORM TROOPERS ARE JUST RANDOM PEOPLE IN THE TRILOGY. WHAT IFFFFFFF?????????!!"

I'm gonna get get ready...mostly this involves me getting myself into a state where I no longer want to do anything with my life for the next day or two because this movie SUCKKKKKKKSSSSSS.

*checks running time*

Oh...oh...I fucked up. I fucked up bad.

We start with scrolling text that there’s people leaving the Republic and under General Deku Tree.

We then cut to Senator Portman in a ship and it lands on Blade Runner Planet and R2 and the ship with the decoy go boom

If I gave a shit, I’d point out her decoy was saying she failed when she literally did her job. Oh. Oh this writing is shit.

We cut to the Emperor talking to the moronic Jedi. The Jedi have been huffing paint thinner for hours and the obvious villain is able to gaslight these rubes.

Portman comes in and says General Deku Tree might be behind it. The Jedi huff more paint and say “No. he couldn’t do that. He was a Jedi. Apparently you can be an ex Jedi in our world and we just trust you.”

The Emperor then realizes he wants Amakin to get some, so he gaslights them moron Jedi into getting Amakin to watch over her.

We see Obi Wand and Amakin in an elevator talking about adventures better than this. Amakin creeps on Portman in the elevator before we see JugJug being an insufferable tool.

Portman says hi to Amakin and Amakin creeps on her just before Portman emasculates him.

We get more lines read like a computer from the 90s is speaking them with lines written by a program that has never had any human interaction.

Amakin is immediately pissy with Only One and rebels against him. He screams “I will be a sith because you won’t let me have my way!!!”

Basically, the Jedi are watching over Portman and JugJug is so gif damn insufferable. I wish his tongue got stuck in a conveyer belt

We cut to some dumb assassin talking to Boba Fett’s lame ass dad. The assass needs to go at it again.

We cut back to the Jedi. Amakin is saying Portman turned off the cameras because he was creeping on her. Ugh. He’s the worst.

Amakin and Only zone fight more because this movie sucks.

We then cut to Amakin talking about dreaming about his mom being a slave. Uh. Go rescue her, dbag. It’s been 10 years. You’re a Jedi. You have money and power.

Amakin creeps about Portman more as the assass sends assass worms into the bedroom. R2 is busy looking at diode porn to pay attention.

Then the Jedi huff paint thinner and talk about how great the Emperor is before they go kill the assass worms.

Only One jumps out the window and grabs onto a droid and rides away with it. Because he just huffed@paint thinner.

Amakin follows after, leaving Portman exposed to be easily picked off. Luckily, the assass huffs thinner, too. Everyone in this universe does.

We get a bland chase that could best be described as boring as all hell.

The Jedi survive impossible drops because this movie sucks.

Man. Fifth Element did this much better.

Chase:

Amakin leaps to his death, but bad script writing has him surv…

This is so boring

They chase the assass aroun…

This movie is sooo poorly written. It’s about as subtle as diarrhea when it comes to Amakin rebelling.

They track down the assass and

Only One Skywalker’s the assass’ hand. They then interrogate the assass using bad line reading. The assass immediately tells all. Well. Starts to before it chokes on Boba balls

Again. Portman has no security. Boba could have ganked her, but he had paint thinner waiting for him.

We cut to the Jedi huffing and having Only One go after Boba and Amakin to take Portman back to Napoo.

Amakin is told to talk to the Emperor. The Jedi are really stupid. Amakin is dumber. He can’t see thru the Emperor’s flirting.

Back at the Jedi, they huff glue and talk shit about Amakin.

We cut to Portman making JugJug the new Senator from napoo. Lucas basically said fuck you with this.

Portman huffs as Amakin whines. She’s so out of it, she finds him charming. She’s destroyed her brain with inhalants.

Amakin cries that Only One is mean. Like. He’s crying.

Then he whines that Portman won’t bang him. Ugh. He even says m’lady

Portman huffs and gets on a ship with Amakin. Only One calls Amakin a puss.

They also turn May the Force Be With You like a benediction.

Only One talks more shit

We cut to a god damn greasy spoon diner. Only One meets some fat dbag to find out about assass weapons. Oh, my god. This movie sucks.

So the weapon is from cloners. “They clone Boba Fett’s dad so that we can shoehorn the Fetts into this piece of shit.”

We cut to Amakin at a library looking to find a planet. Dumb dbag doesn’t even use google maps. What a rube.

Politics and library research. Be still my heart!!!

We then get droid racism in some bar. R2 says something, but Portman is huffing spray paint while talking about forbidden love with Amakin.

Amakin talks creepily to Portman about dreaming about her.

We cut to Yoduh training toddlers in the equipment Luke used to train because he used random trash on a ship. Turns out the Jedi use trash training, too.

Only One asks Yoduh to help him find a hidden planet. Yoduh uses child labor to find the planet.

Ah. A planetarium event occurs and Yoduh is so sick of Only One he uses a toddler to talk mad shit about Only One

Yoduh tells Only One to get his ass out of there.

We then cut to Portman having her luggage dragged up by Amakin on Napoo.

We also find out that being Queen there is an elected position with max terms. Cool.

Portman talks more politics with the new Queen and *yawns*

Sorry. Had to stop. 4 minutes of this POS.

40

So some old dude asks Amakin his opinion. Portman deballs Amakin by saying “He’s not a Jedi. He’s not even a cuck.”

Amakin screams “I took the red pill!”

Portman calls him a beta and moves the conversation on.

Amakin screams “I’m in charge of your security, m’lady. Why won’t you date me???!!”

We cut to Only zone going to the clone planet of boring and contrived bullshit.

He gets out of the rain and walks in on aliens with giraffe necks. These are giraliens.

He meets the prime minister of clone planet. He mumbles about Brexit and starts to caress a pig’s head.

The PM talks about they have 200,000 clones ready and a million more will come.

Turns out the person who ordered it is dead. The dbag didn’t even tell the other Jedi. My guess is he died from huffing.

We cut back to Napoo with Amakin and Portland getting off a boat and talking about school and swimming and water and who fucking cares. Oh. Oh god.

This movie was written by a computer drunk from too much digital wine.

So Amakin and Portland instantly fall in love because the script says so. I would believe JugJug and Portland as more believable.

Back on The Island, we get a tour. They’re like the Unsullied, but they suck all the shit ever.

I like that they chose a bounty Hunter for the genes of their soldiers. Right. Cool.

Also. Boba Fett is there because this movie sucks.

We see the clone army and it’s as impressive as foot sores.

We cut to Amakin trying to seduce Only One by talking about their former relationships. Uh. Weird.

Amakin whines about politics. He thinks he knows how the world should work because he’s a petulant moron who thinks we should be on the gold credits standard or some shit.

Amakin is legit an incel libertarian. So. Of course Portman wants that D.

Dude tries to surf a giant tick, but he falls off. Teen Wolf would have surfed it.

This love plot is about as believable as my prospects at writing the next Star Wars film.

Back on The Island, the giralien orders Boba…to get his shitbag dad. Jenga

Only One talks about how impressive his clones are.

The prequels are a waste of time. We don’t need to see the origins of Vader and Fett. We certainly don’t need this contrived shit.

It should have started with Amakin as an adult. A hero of the Republic and his fall from grace after a war with clones would have been baller.

Instead we get a shit love story, a clone army of losers, Amakin whining as he swallows red pills, and Jedi all huffing paint thinner.

Amakin creeps on Portman and she tries to reject him, but he has paint thinner.

People like this movie. People think these movies are good.

People also think Mayo should be on everything.

Ugh. Amakin says “I’ll do anything you ask, except stop bothering you.”

Portman invents bullshit conflict because a Senator and a Jedi can’t date because of bad script writing.

I can say I could have written this script…after suffering major brain trauma.

They try to make this some kind of forbidden love. It’s not. No one would have cared.

Back on Cloner Island, the giralien repeats that he clones are ready. Only One send a message to the Jedi. They’re busy huffing as he tells them about Jenga and the clone army.

We find out the Jedi never ordered the clones. I mean they’ll use them, but they sure as shit won’t pay for him. Yoduh has green bitches to pay for.

We see Amakin having a nightmare about his mom. Uh. You could get her. Idiot. Like. You have the ability.

This movie is suchhhh bulllshhitttttt

Amakin creeps on Portman. She talks about hearing his nightmare. Apparently, sound machines and thick walls don’t exist there.

Again. Amakin keeps having bad dreams about his mom and does nothing. Nothing.

Nothing!!

But now the script calls for him to go find her. Because the script is shit.

Back on cloner island, Only zone has a lame as fuck fight with Jenga as Boba looks on.

Boba screams out “I’m gonna be eaten by a Sarlacc!”

Jenga screams back “You better get out of it and return in a TV series that comes out 20 years from now!!”

My god. The fight scenes and chase scenes in the prequels are boring as shit.

Only One throws a tracking device on Jenga’s ship. Who cares.

We cut to Tattooween. Amakin and Portman are there to find more paint thinner. Oh. And his mom he abandoned.

We see Whatho. He’s still annoying. Not as annoying as Amakin, though.

Amakin asks for his mom. Whatho goes “Amakin. Is that you? You owe me money, bitch!!”

Whatho then tells Amakin that he sold his mom and she’s married. Oof.

Jenga makes his way to Jupiter with Only One stalking his ass. Boba notices this and Jenga goes into the asteroid field. Which. Uh. There would be massive distances between the rocks, but who cares.

Man. Remember Empire Strikes Back? So good.

Jenga and Only One play a game of boring cat and lame as fuck mouse. My pulse is hammering away at 2 beats per decade. Oh. And the kid playing Boba is obnoxious.

Luckily, no one is reading this. I can talk about how I really love the prequels. This was all a ruse!!

The prequel has…uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Uh. It…it lets me catch up on my sleep????

Twilight has better action than this and Twilight is awful.

I swear I’m not falling asleep. I’m just gonna rest my eyes. Tell me when this bland chase is over.

Oh. Good. We cut to Amakin and Portman appearing at the Moisture Farm and it had C3P0. He’s still doing nothing since he’s a protocol droid.

We meet Luke’s aunt and uncle. Amakin goes “I’m going to have my men murder you in the future because I can.”

We meet Sméagol’s husband. He tells them Amakin’s mom was taken by Tuscany Raiders. They’re like the Oakland Raiders, but their fans aren’t as awful.

Amakin goes to find Smeagol. Portman hugs him for no reason as he goes off because this movie is shit and they somehow dldndbnzbdb abs abs

Amakin gets on a bike and screams “Now this is pod racing!!!”

The Tuscan Wheatthins don’t know the whining Amakin is about to unleash on them. He’s downed so many red pills.

Meanwhile Only zone sneaks around and hears the Deku tree talking to the loser fish heads from the first movie. They’re so lame I can’t even remember what I called them.

General Deku Tree is talking at a table of losers who are going to join his lame ass alliance. They’re called the Fancy Fellas!

Back in Italy, Amakin sneaks in under the Tuscan Sun, murders pets, finds his tortured mother waiting for him to untie her before she dies, and he screams “Why don’t women like me? I’m nice!!!”

Amakin could have gotten her anytime in the last several years. I guess he was too busy being lame as fuck and posting online Jedi Rights Advocate subreddits or some shit.

Amakin is so lame that his mom dies after seeing him. Survived a month of torture, but a minute around you ended her.

Amakin goes “I’m a nice guy!!!” And murders every screaming donkey on the Tuscan Wheatthins village.

We cut to Yoduh and Mace Yoo-hoo talking about pain, suffering, and death. And that Amakin is in lots of pain.

They sense the new Taco Bell.

Only One realizes Amakin is on Tattooween. He tries to call him, but Amakin is wanking it in a tool shed.

Amakin carried his mom back to her husband. She smells like swamp ass, so he throws her into the laundry along with his messy sheets.

Portman comes in to console him. He’s talking about being good at fixing things. “Like the time I fixed that pod race.”

Amakin cries “One day I’ll be he most powerful Jedi ever. I’ll stop people from dying and make it so ice cream never melts and flowers taste like candy like on Willy Wonka!!!”

Amakin then confessed to multiple counts of murder. Portman is turned on by this. Like. She really wants that D.

Man. The acting in this could best be described as “Not worthy of a B movie.”

We cut to Smeagol’s funeral. They buried her like ten feet from the house because they’re lazy

Amakin kneels and whines he wasn’t strong enough. He’s gonna level up his dark elf.

He says he misses her, but not enough to find her.

R2 appears with a message from Only One. It’s about Jenga and the Deku Tree Alliance.

The Jedi were watching it, too. The Jedi will save Only One, but Amakin…oof. This acting. This writing. This sucks.

Portman goes to save Only One.

The Emperor then gaslights so he can get more emergency powers. Ugh. Everyone is a moron.

They use JugJug because JugJug is the worst.

We cut to Only One talking to Deku Deku is actually Dracula.

Blah blah villain monologue. “The Republic is controlled by the Sith. Trust me. I got sweet nipples.”

Only One doesn’t believe the Emperor is the Emperor because he huffs paint.

We cut to JugJug sucking all the shit and being a cuck for the Emperor.

Like. The Emperor is a moron, but, luckily for him, everyone else is dumber than him.

“Oh. This Emperor is Cincinnatus.”

“Who the fuck is that?”

*huffs paint*

Yoduh is going to get the clones and elocution lessons.

Mace is doing who fucking cares.

Amakin and Portman land on wherever and R2 berates his partner C69Oface.

Amakin and his beau walk thru a tunnel and are attacked by bad CGI.

They fall onto a conveyor belt because this movie is fucking stupid. They fight on it because this movie is shit. This whole thing is ridiculous. It’s like a bad cartoon.

C69Oface is rescued by R2 who has jets because this movie eats swamp ass.

People find this exciting. They also think Applebee’s is high class.

Oh. Shit. I’m watching Rudy.

Seriously. We’re getting the chase scene from Galaxy Quest.

They finally get caught and they talk fnnmjxnnnfmkfkfkfkffndndjdndndndndndnd

Oh my god. “I’ve been dying a little each day since you came back into my life”

“Yeah. I’ve been poisoning you.”

This love plot makes NO SENSE!!!

They go out into an arena like a Roman Coliseum because this movie is trash.

Only One talks shit. Yeah. He’s there. Who cares. I don’t.

Like good on people making money from this, but holy crap did you help make hot garbage.

I wish I was watching Gladiator. That made this stuff interesting.

We get a gladiatorial battle@of the bland.

No one is reading this. Well. Maybe one person and I’m sorry.

This fight…it’s like. I. They’re trying to do the Rancor fight “But BIGGER” and it’s soooo boring.

Everything about this is boring. It’s just a bunch of bullshit happening and I just don’t care!!

The people who made this really didn’t get why the Rancor fight worked and this doesn’t. There are no stakes here.

It’s all CGI and dozens of bad guys. There’s no fear. Just…boredom.

Then Mace Wand appears with other Jedi to fight having given up the element of surprise and with zero tactical advantages.

No. We just see Jedi huffing spray paint in a sock and then running towards the bad guys like Braveheart.

Except Braveheart had a reason for this. They had a strategy for the fights. And it was brutal. In your face with blood and gore instead of bright lights and pew pew sounds.

A few CGI Jedi die and we don’t know them who fucking cares??

Mace Wantyou fights Jenga, but a creature knocks him over hahahshsnsjskfnjdnddjdjs

Hahahaha. Then Mace beheads that punk ass Jenga. Hahahaha. Took him two swipes. Seems going down after one or two hits from a Jedi is genetic.

The Jedi *snores*

Oh. Shit. I finally figured out what that creature looks like. IT in the second movie when it turns into the spider thing.

The Jedi get surrounded and are being knocked down. They seem ready to give up, but Deku hates winning. He villain monologues because he sucks ass.

Gee. I wonder if Yoduh will save them@with the eagles…errr. Clone army.

Yoduh mumbles drunkenly for them to surround the survivors because “Your clone lives are pointless. Go die. Why. Yes I did vote GQP!”

Deku dies away or something no don’t know. My eyes are glazing over. We do see that dumb Boba kid holding his dad’s dumb head.

Yoduh drunkingly tells them what to do. Amakin tells them where to shoot so he can seem competent. He’s not.

Deku talks to the fishheads and others in the alliance of ass.

Yoduh then starts to scream about seagulls.

The Jedi and Clines run at the robots and o don’t care about anyone!!!!!!!

Also. The clones are so stupid, they don’t know to attack important ships until told to. You could argue it makes them good soldiers and you’d be wrong.

More pew pew saber saber pew saber clone clone pew boom boom yoduh pew pew Amakin boom boom pew saber saber blah blah bullshit.

We cut to the fellowshit of the losing assholes. Deku is going to take the Death Star designs with him because you have to shoehorn every god damn thing from the trilogy into these shitty prequels.

Because who and when they designed that is so vital to enjoy Star Wars.

These god damn movies fill a much needed gap. They answer questions that don’t matter and open up unnecessary plot holes.

And more clones need to be told everything bullshit. You have officers. They should make some decisions instead of relying on a green guy huffing paint.

They follow Deku who is on his Harley. You know old guys and their need to look cool.

Oh. Portman falls out of the ship and is fine instead of broken to shit. Amakin wants them to put the ship down because he loves her even though he sounds like he loves shoelaces more. Only One yells at him.

Yoduh calls for his ship. It should be noted he’s like ten minutes or more away from Deku. But this movie sucks.

They confront Deku and Amakin rushes him. Amakin gets shocked. Only One uses his schwartz to fight Dracula.

Meanwhile Portman is helped up by a clone. She falls in love with him and says “let’s bone when Amakin isn’t around.”

And that’s why Vader is pissed. He knows Look and Layya aren’t his kids.

More Deku fighting Amakin and they’re so desperate to make it look like the Vader/Luke battle. But it sucks all the ass ever.

Just as things are about to end for them, Yoduh walks up screaming about seagulls. He hallucinates that Deku is a seagull and they have a force battle.

And this is where this movie shits all over the real Yoda in the trilogy with him flipping around and shit. So fucking stupid.

So this is Yoduh, not Yoda.

Yoda knew it wasn’t just about physical…oh what does it matter. They knew they could get people into theaters with Yoda flipping around.

Man. I wish I had some Otter pops.

Ugh. Gotta make my grocery list.

2 gallons of milk
Bread
Cheese
Butter
Otter pops
Will to Live

Portman comes in all like “Amakin. Are you okay? You know my fetish for murdering he Tuscan Wheatthins relies upon you!!”

We go to some shitty dark and red planet because bad guys hate beautiful planets because they’re so evil or some shit.

Deku goes to the Emperor.

I like how they act as if we all don’t know who the Emperor is. Ya know. As if we have extreme brain damage.

We cut to Yoduh talking to Only zone talking about how the Sith have their hooks in the Senate.

Gee. Current commentary.

Only One calls it a victory, Yoduh goes “Begun the clone war has” because this movie sucks shit.

The imperial March plays as troops get on ships because this movie had to destroy everything good about the trilogy.

The Jedi and everyone but the Emperor huff paint.

Portman did a lot because she marries Amakin. Why??????

Oh. Right. Because this trash ass prequels series has to have this so it’ll seamlessly vomit all over the trilogy.

Amakin has a robot hand I think. Jerking off just got weirder.

Well. That was Star Wars Attack of the Clones and it’s total piece of shit. It continues to shit all over the trilogy and shoehorns everything into its garbage script because money lustful dbags wanted our cash.

Fuck this movie and anyone involved in greenlighting it!

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