Thread by @Soundsaboutrig4

Not everyone believes in magic, but I do. You see when @Soundsaboutleft and I were kids, something happened.

I wanted to get on a carnival ride, but the carnie wouldn't let me and he tried to shank me.

After that I wanted to be big so I wished and...read on to find out more!

You see this was no ordinary wishing machine. It was a magical machine that somehow only my dumb as hell wish came true and not like "I want to become Godking of the world" like someone would 100% wish for.

I know Left would have. Luckily, he was home...drunk (yes...even then).

But I don't regret it. If anything my journey showed me that being an adult had such wonderful things as bills...and work...and being able to be tried as an adult.

And that you realize your mortality is creeping in on you and OH GOD WHERE DID THE YEARS GO???????

Have I really spent this long inside? I mean I don't know how many more I have, but it's less now. I could have bargihfdsuaojofkghjkjsagdfugjcx

*holds back tears*

SOME OF MY FAVORITE SONGS ARE PLAYING AT GROCERY STORES!!

*sobs*

Why...why???

*cries*

I...I need a moment to process all this.

FDAJGHUILAFSJLKGF

*breathes into bag*

What...what fuck was I trying to do here?

*thinks*

Do a god damn review of a movie from the 1980s?

Okay. I guess so.

The fuck else can I do during a god damn global pandemic??? I mean...sob more, but I already did that.

Okay. I'm going to stare at a wall for a moment and then dive into a whimsical film about childhood and how we shouldn't all be in a rush to get older and die.

*bites knuckle until it bleeds*

Yeah. This'll be funny and silly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Before I go I should point out that this stars Tom Hanks as Big Josh, that kid from Overboard as his friend, the dad from Home Alone as dbag guy, the coach from Necessary Roughness as the boss, and Wilma Flintstone as the adult woman who has the hots for Josh.

#Big starts out with young Josh playing a video game with some sweet 80s graphics. It’s one of the old type a command RPG games.

Josh fucks up and his character gets got in the game. gg

He failed because his parents were yelling for him. Wait. He has a dad. I thought his mom was single because I don’t remember the dad.

They tell him to take out the trash. He bitches and throws the garbage out.

Yeah. That’s how I do it.

We cut to Josh doing whimsical kid things like riding a bike and playing stick ball with his buddy and looking through cards with his buddy as …his buddy talks about boobs. Okay.

Back before the internet it was much more difficult to see boobs. You had to creep on teachers or whatever.

Some girl says how to Josh and he stammers like he’s Hugh Grant.

Then we see Josh and his buddy Billy walk down the streets doing their custom song of friendship. Whimsical. Now they’d be online telling people to suck their asses and using slurs.

Josh uses a walkie talkie to talk to Billy about Cynthia. Now they’d just text and shit.

Man. Life back then was whimsical and fucking lame.

Basically Josh can totally hold hands with Cynthia at the carnival or whatever.

We cut to the carnival that you know was put up in ten seconds. They sure as hell didn’t have safety standards and few realizes every carnie there was on crank and the ole Walter White special.

Josh is doing the hammer hulk smash. I can’t make fun of him because he did better than I could today.

Josh is with his family. Hey. He has a sibling and a dad. Completely forgot.

His dad asks if he wants to go on a ride. His mother emasculates him and set him up for years of therapy by saying Josh is a little bitch.

Josh sees Cynthia in line and doesn’t have blood to say No.

Josh goes to get in the ride without his lame parents who probably will talk about the 60s or some shit.

Josh shoves his way through the line to get by Cynthia. God she’s so 80s.

Josh tries to act cool. His parents take photos and emasculate him in front of her. Sooooo much therapy.

Then some high schooler comes up. Cynthia likes the creepy high schooler because he drives.

Josh goes up to get on the ride when this piece of shit carnie tells him he’s too short. Josh looks like a punk ass. Poor Josh.

Cynthia and the creepy high schooler go on the ride and Josh walks away contemplating bad shit. Try dealing with a god damn pandemic, Josh. Your fucking carnie death ride fiasco ain’t shit.

Josh then sees the Zoltar machine. For a quarter it’ll bend the space-time continuum.

It doesn’t work at first, so Josh beats it like a vending machine.

He asks to be big. Ya should have specified, idiot.

Josh sees the machine wasn’t plugged in. It was fueled by

That night…is this Labyrinth? A screaming baby during a storm and…is Josh sharing a room with his baby brother? Sister?

That sucks ass.

His mom comes in and takes the kid.

Hen next day a postman maces a dog????

Josh’s mom calls out to him and Josh is now Chet Hanks’ dad. Oof. RIP.

Wacky music plays as Hanks stumbles into the bathroom while his mom doesn’t see him.

He freaks the fuck out when he sees himself in the mirror.

Dude freaks that he’s hairy and got a …uh. More impressive everything.

Josh runs into his room and takes out the Satan card from the machine. Your soul is Lucifer’s, Josh! That’ll learn you to embrace the dark arts.

Josh tries to get dressed in his clothes, but they’re too small. He goes and takes his dad’s clothes and brings down his sister. He shoves the sister into the kitchen and bolts. He jumps on his bike and rides!!

Hey. This looks like Goonies!!

Josh goes to the spot where the carnival was and it’s gone. The carnies had killed another bunch of kids and fled in the night.

Josh goes back home where his mom is cleaning. He runs in and she freaks. He says sorry and wipes off his feet.

His mom rightly thinks he’s an intruder. He tries to tell her, but she won’t listen.

She thinks he took her kid instead of being her kid changed into an adult by the power of the Morningstar.

She pulls out a knife to shank him and he runs.

We cut to the school where Billy sucks at everything sports. He’s still better than me.

Josh ambushes Billy and tells Billy he’s Josh. Billy rightly freaks. Luckily for Josh, Billy is trapped and listens to him prove he’s Josh.

Billy is crying until Josh does his special friend song. Good thing you had that instead of just texted memes.

Billy believes Hanks and then calls him ugly as shit.

We cut to Hanks’ mom’s house with cops telling them to file a report and not really giving a shit. Billy heads past them with some stuff.

He goes to Josh with some money and a plan. Go to NYC. 1980s NYC. During the crack epidemic. Josh is fuccckkkkkeeeeddddd!!

Josh takes the bus to “throat slit avenue” or a place today that has $9,000 month condos.

They go into some shithole hotel they today is filled with rich dbags. Josh gets a room. Josh is there with a young kid. 1980s NYC gave no fucks.

Josh has to pay a deposit for sheets. Classy!!

Josh goes inside of a shitbag room. A blacklight in that room would light up so bright it’d burn your retinas.

Billy leaves Josh. Billy 100% was murdered before he got back to the bus stop.

Josh tries to make the best of it and there is a pew pewing. Josh closes the window and tries to hide. He locks the door and there’s screaming. He sits down and now has every STD ever.

His fellow neighbor is screaming and hitting shit and Josh gets in bed. He covers his head with a pillow and he definitely has HIV 3.0 now.

The next day Billy and Josh go to arcades trying to find Zoltar. Oh, shit. Is that galaga?

They go to some bureaucratic government spot and fill out forms to find the carnival with the machine. It’ll be a month.

Just fucking google it, nerd.

Sorry. Six weeks. God. Google made this shit easy. Google “Carnival nearby” and you’ll get so much clown pron and not give a shit because your soul will burn away.

Josh goes outside defeated. He’s gonna be 30 forever. I wish I was still 30.

Billy shits all@over him and says “I’ll come hang out. Go get a job, loser.”

They go to some cafe looking at the want ads. Ugh. Just use monster or indeed or some shit.

Josh decides to apply for computer operator. This was the 80s. Anyone who can turn on a computer back then could get a job.

We cut to Josh falsifying his resume and illegally putting a fake SS. Dude didn’t even use the measurements from Baby Got Back. Lameeee.

Tom Hanks is called in for an interview. This is after they joke about Billy being his son. Apparently adults didn’t look for any signs back then.

Josh then bullshits his interview and lies about his education. This is still a valid strategy today.

During the interview Susan walks in. Fucking rude as shit. She shows no shame. She does a bullshit apology and then shits on her assistant to the HR guy.

If this was me I’d bail from that interview. What a psycho.

Josh is hired and goes into his first day. He’s doing data entry.

Beside Hanks is Jon Lovitz. He’s giving an acting lesson.

Josh does his job too fast. Lovitz rightly tells him to slow the fuck down. Lovitz is right. Half ass everything!!

Lovitz even tells Josh who the lady who’ll bang him is. Josh doesn’t get the hint.

We cut to MacMillan (the CEO) getting gaslighted by Susan and this dbag (played perfectly by John Heard) Paul.

MacMillan gets hipchecked by Josh and goes on his ass. Josh spends this time staring at Susan’s boobs.

Josh bullshits an excuse for running into his boss and MacMillan fucks off.

We cut to Josh calling his mom. He talks to her like a weirdo. Like someone who took her son.

Uhh. Get the cops to trace this call. Josh used his company phone.

Josh says he has Josh and if she wants to see him alive again, she has to let young Josh go out whenever he wants and a bigger allowance.

She wants proof of life. Josh bullshits and gets away with creepily singing the song she sang to him as a kid.

Again. He’s doing this at work. If I heard that conversation at work…I would put my headphones on and talk shit about my coworker on slack.

Hahaha. Lovitz is confused as fuck in the background. I love Lovitz.

We cut to Josh eating ice cream and watching shitty movies. It’s like he’s living thru Covid

Wait. Those are Oreos. He’s eating the center. Also. There are more pew pews and Josh doesn’t give a fuck. So. Yeah. Covid

We cut to payday. Josh got paid shit, but he’s excited. They go to a bank to cash it in the most obnoxious denominations possible.

Josh asks for a bunch of ones like he’s going to a strip@club.

We cut to Billy Idol and them gorging on food and silly string. Just don’t lit that shit.

Josh goes into FAO Closed and there’s a world of toys that aren’t nearly as cool as an NES.

Josh acts like a big weirdo in there. Playing with kids and…apparently people on the 80s never called the cops on creeps.

Josh gets got in laser tag and has a seizure. MacMillan catches him spasming and MacMillan takes Josh’s ignorance as brilliant insight.

This scene starts out like Being There. Which, if you haven’t seen, watch that.

Josh shits all over toys and then they stumble onto the big keyboard. You know. The showpiece only some rich fuck had a place for. But their kid would be insufferable about it.

MacMillan and Josh play a meh song. They should have played what Chico played in Animal Crackers.

Everyone watching cheers and MacMillan gives Josh a big raise.

We cut to Josh fucking around with toys at the office. He got a VP job and Paul and Susan are pissssseeeddddd.

We see Billy going into Josh’s office and everyone is fine with an adult having a middle schooler go into his office…alone.

The 80s, man.

We find out that Josh’s life is sweet. He gets to play with toys and treat his assistant like shit. “Bring me food and have people edit sports games fully edited to my liking.”

She deserves better!!

We cut to Paul and Susan at home saying they don’t know where Josh is from. We see a kid on the milk carton that is Josh. DRAMATIC IRONY!!!

We cut to Paul giving a lame meeting and Josh shits allllll over him. I mean he rips Paul’s metaphoric dick off with just “I don’t get it.”

Josh hijacks the meeting and crushes Paul. Eat shit, Paul.

Susan immediately wants that Hanks dong.

MacMillan congrats Josh and Paul storms out with Susan. He cries “I’m going to leave my kid home alone!!”

We cut to Josh looking at a new apartment that now would cost 45,000 a month. It’s massive and had an amazing view.

Josh is getting deliveries and drops water balloons on the workers. What a dick.

We get a montage of Josh getting stuff and playing all while the VO is a nightmare. It’s Josh’s letter to his poor mother saying they’re treating him okay.

It sounds like he was forced to write it. Like. His mother would be in shambles at this forced letter.

She also refuses to give it to the cops.

We cut to a party. Lovitz is creeping and MacMillan is listening to some woman complain.

Susan goes up to MacMillan to flirt to get a project.

MacMillan wants none of that shit.

Josh enters the party like he’s Harry from Dumb and Dumber.

MacMillan digs it. MacMillan is tired of all the lame assholes in the 80s.

Meanwhile Paul is dancing white as fuck. Like. I dance that way.

Josh snags food and is whimsical.

Paul is bitching and Susan is scheming to get the project and that Josh D.

Josh eats mini corn like corn on the cob and it’s whimsical!!

Susan is bored and wants the D. She leaves the Paul for the D.

She goes up to Josh and flirts.

We then see Josh try Caviar. I mean it’s no Postmates, but it’s not as bad as Josh pretends.

Susan is so impressed by his lack@of maturity she asks him to take a ride with him. Paul glares as they leave.

Susan gets into the company limo and Josh joins.

Josh fucks about with the locks like an annoying brat. Josh keeps acting childish and whimsical and Susan is into it because 80s men loved money and being stuffy.

Josh is acting like he’s stoned.

Susan falls for him for being whim

*burps*

sical and bringing her inner child out.

They pass by Josh’s apartment and she invites herself up.

Susan asks questions and Josh’s answers are misinterpreted because dramatic irony.

Susan is hesitant to come in. Josh thinks she means a sleepover. Sweet summer child.

Josh opens the door and says he wants to be on top.

Susan goes in and his apartment looks like it was designed by a 13 year old. I mean it was, but she doesn’t know that.

If I walked into a woman’s place with a similar thing I’d. I’d probably stay because brain no work. So I get why she stays. She wants some.

I’m not the first person to point out how weird this shit is.

Again. They do stuff like a trampoline in his apartment, kid pajamas, etc as signs he’s connected with his inner childhood self.

This was the 80s and “Be like Bart” shit was all the rage.

Susan then seduces him like she’s Mrs Robinson.

So Josh is going from stammering just saying hi to a girl to slamming ass in a very short period of time and holy crap does that make this movie a bit dark now.

I guess they don’t bang that night, but they totally will.

The next day Paul is driving Susan into work and he’s a bit jealous. He listens to lame ass stock stuff and she realizes she’s bored with that stuffy life.

So we cut to Paul making Josh play squash. See. Paul has been emasculated and he thinks if he can humiliate Josh it’ll fill the hole inside him that he’s had since he was a kid and tries to fill with money and blow.

Gee. Who does that remind you of?

Josh calls Paul out for cheating and Paul gets physical. Josh runs away until Paul attacks him. Today they would 100% out this on YouTube.

We cut to Josh with a bloody nose being nursed by Susan. She rightly points out Josh scares him. Josh and hookers who don’t accept credit cards are Paul’s biggest fears.

Josh and Susan bond. He calls her nice. She falls for him.

I bet you wouldn’t do that if you knew he sold his soul to a crossroads demon.

We cut to Susan dropping Paul’s shot off at his place and taking her keys back. She’s leaving Paul.

Paul says she’s sleeping her way to the top. We find out she did that with others but not Josh.

We cut to some old dude in an Italian restaurant doing a stage show with dough and shit.

It’s like Benihana without Leo.

Waiters come out to sing happy birthday to Josh.

Josh makes a wish on his cake.

We cut to Billy wanting Josh to get him booze and pron.

Josh bails on his buddy for some WAP.

Josh goes over to Susan and he goes in so he can go in.

It’s a bit awkward. Mostly because Satan keeps screaming “Fuck her!”

We cut to a different carnival with Josh and Susan going on all the poorly put together rides he couldn’t be on before.

Josh is whimsical and innocent and Susan falls for it even more.

Uh. Shouldn’t you be looking to see if they have a Zoltar machine??

I guess this is like Cooney Island???

I hope they don’t go under the boardwalk like Dennis and Dee and Charlie did.

And we see there is a Zoltar machine. Okay. Again. Does only Josh get his wish because someone would wish for some fucked up shit. Maybe that’s how we got <insert movie you hate>

Josh and Susan dance to old people music.

Susan asks what Josh was like as a kid. He says not much different. Hahahaah. Dramatic irony!!!

Susan tells Josh she’s obsessed with him. “I just hope you don’t turn out to be a kid turned into an adult by a Satanic arcade game!!”

Josh tells Susan he needs to tell her something, but they make out instead. Again. He’s going from never even really talked to a girl to scoring.

Damn, dude.

Like Josh totally boinks her and no one will EVER believe him when he goes back to being a kid.

Man. There are some criminal and psychological and emotional situations here I won’t get into but suffice to say this shit is a bit wack.

Josh goes into work the next day with the biggest shit eating grin ever. He high fives everyone. He even high fives a mailman who says My Man.

Holy shit this is where Rick and Morty got that dude from!!!!!

Josh gets coffee and then we see Josh and Susan at a fancy dinner party. We see one of the dads at the party ignoring his kid.

Josh then offers to go into their small kid’s bedroom…alone…to tutor their kid.

We cut to Billy going home and getting the mail. He won the publisher’s clearinghouse sweepstakes and they have the results of where the Zoltar is. Finally.

We cut to Josh being all mature and shit. He’s doing business stuff. Adult stuff. All after getting some.

Josh and Susan talk about working together.

Billy is pissed that Josh won’t take his calls.

We then cut to Josh talking about a Choose Your Own Electronic comic.

I would have bought the shit out of this then.

Susan is impressed and you just know Josh got some more.

Susan wants to know what their relationship is. Ya know. Physical. Emotional. Criminal in all states.

Josh acts stupid and then bangs her again. It’s like one of my exs!!

Billy breaks into Josh’s office and Josh is all grownup. Man. Every time he gets laid, he acts even more mature.

Billy loses his shit. He tells Josh to eat shit, tosses the list at him, and walks out like a boss.

That night Josh is adulting and realizes being an adult sucks shit besides banging.

Coney*

Josh plays the game from the beginning and, this time, wins.

Josh then walks around neighborhoods watching little kids play and holy shot parents didn’t pay attention back then. A 30 year old man is watching little kids and no one cares!!

Holy shit. He’s like ten feet behind a photographer taking a school photo. He is on school property!!! No one cares.

Now he’s watching teens in a car and he plays ball with some little kids.

WTF!!

We cut to Josh being awkward around Susan. He’s already bored with her.

Josh then tells Susan he was a kid who sold his soul to an arcade game to become an adult.

He says he misses his family and wants to go home. She thinks he means a wife and kid. He tells her he’s a middle schooler.

She doesn’t believe him. She thinks he’s just an immature jackass who needs therapy. He will. Dude peaked at 13. He’s rich, successful, and gets laid. He will never recapture this!!!!!!

She doesn’t believe him and tells him to work on his shit and on the project.

Meanwhile Josh’s mom uses the walkie talkie to talk to Billy. Again. It’s been almost 2 months. She has received taunting calls and letters.

She has 100% spent all day every day crying and being broken waiting for her nightmare to end.

She laments that Josh had a birthday and she 100% must be thinking he’s dead. We don’t see the dad or kid. Like. The dad probably took the kid and left because she’s so unstable.

We cut to Billy going into the office. He gives Josh the location of the machine. Josh has a meeting to get to. He also only has about ten years before he’ll hounds come for him.

Josh is now giving a presentation and Paul pulls a Josh. “I don’t get it.” You suck at heckling, Paul. Eat shit.

Josh looks to be having an existential crisis. Shit. Join the club, Josh. I call that a weekday…and weekend. And right now.

Where has my life gone??

I’m reviewing movies poorly on Twitter for a handful of people (you’re all the best) all the while trying to keep the dread at bay.

What am I doing???!!!

What’s the point of this?!

Oh. Right. Uh. Josh leaves the meeting and Susan follows after (with directions from Billy). Josh wants to unsell his soul.

He finds the Zoltar machine by itself at the spot HE HAD A GOD DAMN DATE AT all by itself.

I would have asked for immortality and lots of money. Josh is a god damn amateur.

Josh goes up to the machine and unplugs it so he can connect with the dark beast known as Mephistopheles.

He kicks it until it works and wishes to undo his wish.

Again. Ask to be young again AND rich!!!

Susan comes up after Josh wished his wish. She realizes he’s actually a young person who wished to be big. Either that or he’s a mentally unstable liar or a conman or anything but magic!!

They do adult chatting about love and blah blah. Who cares.

Did I really eat a pile of peanuts today while staring into the mirror???

The fuck am I doing again? I should be eating peanuts out in coffee shops and shit.

Also. Susan takes it pretty well that she’s technically a predator. Josh tells her to join him as being a teen again. She doesn’t want to.

I would. I’d become a teen right this instance.

Though, boy would that be weird. I’d make references no one would get. I wouldn’t understand fashion or popular music or…I would just be me as I already was as an awkward teen.

So…it’s be like old times.

Anyway. Susan says to look her up in ten years. When she’s old as hell and about to retire.

She drives Josh home. If his mom looked out she’d see her son’s captor and some weird lady. In a few minutes she’d see her son and a weird lady.

Not a win win for her either way.

They kiss again and he gets out.

Uh. You know how old….whatever. 80s.

Josh walks away and she sees him go from adult she loves to a pipsqueak in an oversized suit. That’s gotta mentally break her just a bit.

Josh says goodbye to his first love and goes inside looking like a weirdo. He’s in a suit twice his size.

I mean that’s the last thing his mom is thinking of, but come on!!

His mom screams and embraces him and sooooo many questions open up. Also. The cops are going to drill him about the people who “took” him.

He’s also going back to a school where he’s the kid who got made a captive. It’s gonna fuck up his life on top of having already peaked!!

We see Josh and Billy talking about whimsical stuff like baseball instead of what actually would happen. Billy wanting to know every detail about Susan.

Well, that was Big. It’s a fun movie if you don’t think about it at all. Like. At all!!!

@threadreaderapp unroll

Hell hounds*