Thread by @Soundsaboutrig4

Holy cow. @Soundsaboutleft and I just fell through a time wormhole and we landed into the future where there's no money and food is made and it's like...hippie heaven???

We met some dude name Captain Kirk and this elven-eared guy named Spartacus...no Spock!

#Startrek

Star Trek is about Luke Skywalker and his Oedipal adventures with his kissing sister.

The prequels suck, but you know...it happens.

https://twitter.com/Soundsaboutrig4/status/1421335930011459585

https://twitter.com/Soundsaboutrig4/status/1429674101312868360

I'm just joshing. Star Trek is about our future if people aren't just the worst...so there's no way Star Trek will happen. Not because of the technology, but the behavior of people.

Unless we're talking about Star Trek Discovery...that's probably the actual future. Sucky.

Before I get into Star Trek 2009, I need to give some background.

See I was a Star Trek TNG watcher. It's been a LOONGGGG time since I've seen it, but I enjoyed it. I never watched the original series (more than a handful of episodes), but I've seen the films.

Quick overview.

Star Trek: The Motion Picture

Imagine 5 minutes of just slowly going over the Enterprise...and then add some energy cloud thing that plays synth music.

Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan

Just...an awesome film.

Star Trek III: The Search for Spock

Basically getting Spock back into the band.

Kinda like...regenerating in Fifth Element but not at all.

Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home (1986)

Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (1989)

I...legit don't remember this movie.

Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country

All I remember:

Then it got into the TNG world and...well.

Let's just move along. That whole series was written just so I could post that video where some alien's like knees are his genitals.

So the series/movies have the awesome Captain Tiberius "Oh my god don't google what he did on Capri and he totally murdered Caligula's dad and caused Caligula to be insane because holy shit" Kirk.

Captain Kirk will sleep with anything with a hole. He is 100% going to be the root cause of some weird alien disease jumping over to humans and wiping out humanity.

Some freaky STD that causes your skeleton to melt from the inside or some shit.

He's also like...a good leader and shit, but him railing everything is the trait I remember most. The dude could seduce anyone and anything. There are piles of rocks that get hot thinking of him.

And his best friend is Spork...errr...Spock. Spock is this half-human half-Volcanologist. He's all about that logic and neck pinching.

He also keeps screaming "I AM NOT SPOCK" randomly. It's weird. Then he goes "I am Spock."

I think he wrote a book on raising kids, too.

And then there's Uhura. She's there to kick butt and be awesome. She's smart, funny, and not afraid to lay the smack down.

She's the best.

There are others on the crew, but ya know...I gotta start this review.

Oh. Okay. Shout out to @simonpegg for being Scotty and awesome in everything.

Oh...and Anton Yelchin was great at Chekhov. Man. What a talented person gone wayyy too young.

The movie stars Chris Pine as Kirk 2.0 and he's fantastic, the baller as hell @ZacharyQuinto as Spock, @KarlUrban as the best thing ever...errr Bones, and @zoesaldana as Uhura and she's perrrrfect at it

Man. Can I just point out how awesome @KarlUrban is in Dredd (and The Boys). Dredd is so insanely baller and the fact it didn't get a sequel is a crime.

Before I start I need to go over some alien civilizations that are important in this movie.

Volcanologists: Logical people who tell you to live long and prosper

Romelans: Descendants of the people of Rome who went into space using a rocket fired from the pantehon.

Cling-Ons: Swear a lot and fight. Frat boy culture basically.

Okay. Uhhh...

I...I guess I'll get started.

First, though, I gotta go beat the Kobayashi Maru.

(And shout out to @curmudgeon_red for asking for this review)

Huh. Turns out the only way to win is to not play.

We start out with the Star Wa…err Star Trek orchestral playing over more credits than there are stars in the sky.

We cut to a subway car that beeps.

It flashes by sounding like Sputnik.

Wait. This is the USS Absolute Zero Degrees Kelvin.

They see a cloud of energy and..wait. Wrong movie.

There’s a bright an…anono..:bright thingy and it scares the Star Fleet Academy people.

Lots of alerts and these red shirts are fuckkkkked.

Lots of books and the ship is boned. They don’t have a Scotty to fix shit or complain about how much it can give.

Lots of pews and booms and beams and there’s a hailing. The captain is asked to@come over and have a chat over tea.

The captain has his number two. Hehehe. Poop.

He has him follow the captain out and it’s Captain Kirk’s dad Acting Captain Kirk.

The captain goes over to the ship to die.

This is the no -Kirk Captain.

He enters the ship and is immediately jumped by ruffians. They’re dancing like the sharks in Westside Story.

They take him to be in front of Captain Badguy. His name is Nero? Really. You really are of Roman descent. Just. So subtle. Why not lens flare that to make it more obvious.

Emperor Nero wants to know the location of Spock. The captain doesn’t know. See. They went too far in time.

Hahahaha. Nero runs forward like Jason Vorhees in the remake and ganks other captain.

Kirk’s dad is Thor. He wants to evac the ship. He’s like “Women and Asgardians first!”

No. Seriously. Kirk’s dad.

See. James is inside his mommy’s belly and she’s about to crap him out.

They get everyone off the ship, but autopilot is broken. It’s deflated.

Kirk Thor is Dido and is going to go down with the ship. Captain James T Kirk would always go down while on a ship..:or off it.

So Kirk mom is starting to poop out James. Thor tells them to leave because “Tragic backstories are better.”

Like Thor Kirk is legit a hero.

And we cut between Thor Kirk getting Titaniced and Mommy Kirk shitting out James.

That’s how babies are extracted. Right?

Thor Kirk gets End Gamed, but not before hearing his son cry out for boobs.

Mommy Kirk says he should be there. They decide to name him after the dads of the parent Kirk’s. How cu…Thor is dead. Uh. Weird MCU What If?

Man. That’s gotta suck. Not the losing your husband. Being part of an advanced civilization with space travel abilities and giving birth is still a painful and bloody event.

We cut to a sweet car being driven in Iowa. It could literally be today based off how it looks.

Starlord’s dad is singing Mandy as he blasts by young Kirk stealing his stepdad’s car and blasting Beastie Boys

The police try to pull over Kirk. He evaded them. Luckily for him he is alabaster and blonde so the cops just follow.

Kirk tries to jump Springfield gorge, but punks out instead of pulling a Homer.

We then get a weird set up by the cop to have Kirk say his name.

We cut to Vulcan. A bunch of nerdy Volcanologists do basic earth math.

This is Spock. He’s doing a math bowl.

We then see a bunch of nerds come up to Spock who try to bully Spock. They suck at it. Like. I could beat these nerds up and I’m a punk ass loser.

Spock beats the man…Vulcan shit out of one of them. Hahaha. Suck it, nerds!!

We find out Spock is half human and half Volcanologist. His dad admonishes him for beating them down. What nonsense.

Also. We find out his dad married his mom because it was logical. Man. Women get turned on by that. Not a DAP around when Spock Dad is talking.

We cut to adult Spock talking to Winona Ryder. “You’re really good in Stranger Things.” “Well, you’re fantastic in in American Horror Story.”

Oh. And Spock is going to remove all of his humanity so he can be a volcanologist and study volcanoes.

Spock is accepted into the University of Nerds.

Spock tells them to eat his ass after they bash his mother.

“Eat all my ass. Live long and prosper on my asshole!!”

We cut back to Iowa or something. A bar is hopping and it’s Uhura getting booze. Kirk tries to flirt “I wanna fuckkkkkkkkk.”

He asks her name after she shoots him down. Even drunk he’s more charming than I’ll ever be.

We find out that Uhura studies aliens and Kirk doesn’t only bang farm animals. Seriously. I’m not making that up.

Some Star Fleet pricks get into a fight with Kirk. He whips out his dong and starts slapping everyone with it. There is pubic hair and regret everywhere!

They kick Kirk in the junk and overwhelm him until Captain Sweetass comes in to break up the fight.

Captain Sweetass talks to Kirk about his dad and Star Fleet. See. Kirk is talented and a genius.

Captain Sweetass tells him he can have a better life in space. There is sooo much alien poon.

Captain Sweetass finishes his recruiting pitch and tells Kirk he can jump on a ship the next day. Also. “Thor Kirk was awesome. Try to be that cool. Also. Alien poon.”

Kirk starts to really contemplate that alien strange in a scene from Star Wars. I kid. It’s totally not Luke looking out at the sun. Nope. Not at all.

Kirk goes to the launch site. He wants to get Cling-On crabs.

He gets into the shuttle and bashes his head. He goes and sits down. Uhura sits across from him. That’s when Billy Butcher comes in.

He takes off his Dredd helmet. Oh no!!!!

Bones is basically me if I was intelligent and cool and talented.

That’s to say he’s a cynic who only talks about all the ways you can suffer and die.

We hear lots of noise in space because sound travels better in a total vacuum.

This is Emperor Nero’s ship. Apparently they’ve spent decades jerking it. Waiting to snag Spock.

So these pricks go back in time and, instead of saving their loved ones because they WENT BACK IN TIME they go after old Spock.

We cut to Kirk and Bones chatting. Kirk is going to do the Kobe Beef Maui Test.

We cut to Kirk fucking a green space alien. He’s all up in her vagdjeoendjeldjd major glob flob. Luckily, her species and our species fuck the same way.

This is the roommate of Uhura. She drops exposition about Cling-Ons being ganked and her diaphragm.

Kirk tries to hide from Uhura, but his massive dong sticks out into the sky. She yells at him.

We cut to the insanely famous test Kobe Beef Maui.

Kirk is blasé as all hell. Like smugly charming. I love it.

Then the system goes down.

When it comes back up the Cling-ons in the simulator have no shields and Kirk tells them to pew pew boom boom beam beam them. He wins!!

Of course no one is supposed to beat the Kobe Beef Maui. Spock shits a brick and goes “That is a logical response to this. Shitting a brick.”

Spock immediately suspects that 1) Kirk cheated and 2) My internet is trying to shit the bed

Kirk goes in front of a panel of star fleet people. Kirk demands trial by comb…err. He wants to talk to his accuser.

See. Kirk changed shit to win. Kirk is like “The test is bullshit because you can’t win. Fuck you, nerd!!”

Then Kirk and Spock kick each other in the balls. Then Spock brings up Kirk’s dad. Kirk begins to cry into the bosoms of a hot alien woman in the front row.

Before Kirk can jackhammer the alien woman in front of everyone to prove his physical prowess, a distress signal comes in. Kirk is left with blue balls.

Every is being divided into ships. Everyone but Kirk. See. He’s on probation and is grounded. He has to wear a dunce hat and twist his own nipples.

Bones takes pity on him. “At least you weren’t in Judge Dredd” and takes Kirk with him. Of course he gives him a shot that’s a vaccine for Tasmania Dickrot or some shit.

Meanwhile Uhura emasculates Spock (they’re fucking) and demands to be on the Inherprize. Err. Enterprise.

So the shot for the Dong Destroy Disease vaccine causes Kirk to get all fucked up. Bones uses this to get Kirk onto the Inherprize.

They go up to the Enterprise and Lens Flares!!!!!

On the ship lots of walking and Kirk shitting himself. He keeps screaming “I shouldn’t have eaten horse paste!!!”

Spock goes onto the bridge. He’s the right hand man of Captain Sweetass.

We see Harold from Harold and Kumar playing George Takei. I mean Sulu.

Sulu is a noob and fails to make the warp with the other ships. After a delay they jump.

Kirk starts to get worse and Bones gives him some smack.

Then we meet Chekhov’s gun.

Chekhov gives us exposition about something weird happening. A lightning storm. Kirk wakes up with gigantism. He took the brain tonic from the Simpsons.

Kirk knows it’s

He runs to talk to Uhura and a cat rips his tongue out and he no talk good.

See. He knew his daddy Thor got got by a lightning storm. See. I told you he was Thor!!

We cut to the Deathstar shooting a beam into the Volcanologist planet of Vasquez Rock.

Back on the ship Kirk bolts his ass to the bridge and tells Captain Sweetass that the Romans are attacking the Volcanologists and there’s lots of yelling. Mommy and daddy are yelling again!!!!

See. Kirk knows that this ship makes everything go boom boom.

So the captain tries to get his language person to do language stuff, but he sucks ass. Uhura takes over. Yeah. She’s bad ass!

They put up their shields and arrive at a nightmare. The whole rest of the fleet is fucked.

They noisily make noise in space as they evade the graves of their fellow fleeters.

We then see he Deathstar.

They get shot upon by the Deathstar and it starts to fucked them.

It’s also trying to destroy Alderon. I mean Vasquez Rock.

Before they’re destroyed Emperor Nero does a zoom call with Captain Sweetass. Nero fiddles and whines about Spock and not being able to stop something Nero coild@stop because he WENT BACK IN TIME!!!

Nero wants Captain Sweetass to go over to the ship to die. Man. Nero is great at getting people to come over to die.

Captain Sweetass is smart enough to bring backup.

Nero tells his men to prepare the red baby batter.

They suck out the blood splooge and put it into a device to penetrate Vasquez Rock.

They make plans to break the Romans blocking the beaming.

Captain Sweetass makes Kirk First Officer. Spock is Captain. Spock immediately realizes he thirsts for power.

Spock goes to sit in the captain’s chair and we find out Bones got a battlefield promotion

We follow them going to attack shit. I hope this random red shirt doesn’t die.

Kirk and Sulu drop like in Destiny or Halo. They skydive to the beam blocker. It’s kinda like a cockblocker but beans instead of cocks.

We get lots of exciting skydiving moments and Chekhov reading Anton Chekhov’s work.

Hahahaha. Some red shirt tries to pull a Maniac from Wing Commander and slams into the platform and dies. Don’t red shirts watch the show??

The others land on the platform and start to fight the jets…err Romans.

We get lots of great action and lens flares. Like. I’m pretty sure my screen has burned in lens flares into its pixels now.

Luckily for Sulu he’s a fencer and they use swords instead of…ya know…tech weapons.

We also find out that the red shirt had the charges. Kirk and Sulu then just second amendment the blocker.

We cut over to Nero’s palace. He’s fiddling and is told his cockblocker isn’t blocking cocks anymore.

So he launches the red baby batter into Vasquez Rock. It causes a butthole in the center of the planet. It’s going to suck everything up its anus.

Spock says to evac the volcanologists. Spock goes to get his parents.

Nero’s men pull up the drill and Kirk/Sulu skydive more. Things go sideways. They have no chute.

The nerd who is supposed to beam them sucks. Chekhov runs his ass over and does it. Like this is a really great action scene. It’s heart pounding and baller as shit.

Chekhov beams Kirk and Sulu.

Spock beams down to Vasquez Rock.

He starts to wonder around Vasquez Rock and goes “Hey. That’s where Kirk fought that Lizard creature.”

Spock gets his parents out of this chamber. Just as they’re beamed out the earth falls below his mom and she dies. Holy shit. Spock is gonna need therapy.

Like that’s the shit that makes the human part of him freak the fuck out.

Meanwhile the home planet of the Volcanologists gets sucked into the butthole.

We get a voice over that Captain Sweetass is a captive and most of his fellow Volcanologists are gone.

Here’s hoping his bullies were amongst those who were sucked up the anus.

Uhura con..con…she hugs Spock to make him feel better. She also seems to offer sex for comfort. Shiitttttt.

Spock just wants everyone to do their jobs and leaves.

We cut to Emperor Nero playing his god damn fiddle and asking Captain Sweetass the codes to access Star Fleet’s Twitter account. He’s gonna post dick pics.

We find out Nero’s family gets got when the Romans’ planet gets got.

Captain Sweetass points out that hasn’t happened yet. Uh. Dude. Fucking go there and tell them “Hey. This is how we survive this huge issue in the future.”

So he goes all Thanos monologuing and he wants to gank everyone but the Romans. How very Roman of you.

Nero puts in a Bulgarian Butt Beaver into Captain Sweetass’ sweet ass. It goes to town with the ass torture.

Kirk thinks Earth is next. And they realize that the Romans want Spock to suffer and blah blah. Basically, Spock says they’re time travelers

We get lots of talky talky.

We also find out that the Romans caused an alternate reality. Like in another reality, I’m funny and successful.

Kirk and Spock yell a bunch. The sexual tension can be cut with a knife. Kirk tries to fight security, but Spock neck tickled him and sends Kirk down to the closest planet.

Kirk ignores the shuttle’s computer that says “Wait here or you’ll die.”

Kirk uses his massive dong to punch the door open and to wrap around himself for warmth.

Man. Too bad you don’t have those things from Empire. You could get warm in its gooey insides.

Some creature tries to eat Kirk. Kirk tries to seduce it, but that fails. He runs away, his dong slapping along the ground.

Kirk does what he knows best. Runs headlong into a deep cave dick first.

The thing chases him, but Old Spock scares it away with a torch. Not a flashlight. A fire torch.

Old Spock screams “I am not Spock!! Also. We’re friends.”

Then Spock says “I am Spock” and tells his alternate reality friend that they’re friends. It’s awkward as fuck.

Spock is also verrrryyy disappointed in Kirk for not being Captain. I mean he lays into him. Calls him illogical.

Spock then does a mind fuck with Kirk. We find out in the future Nero’s planet goes boom.

And Ndndndndjd. Just warn them Nero. Geez. You probably screwed up and killed your grandpa or some shit.

Oh. And Spock tries to stop the supernova, but he’s like too late.

When he tries to use the red baby batter, but it’s too late. Also. Nero is there and attacks and they get pulled into the black hole and blah blah.

Man. Where’s Q when you need him?

The mind fuck ends and Kirk is dazed and confused.

Kirk then asks about his dad and he finds out in the other reality he has a great life.

“You and your dad slayed all the alien poon together.”

Meanwhile Spock tries to get Bones on his side. Bones spouts folksy wisdom.

Spock tells him “Shove that shit up your illogical shithole.”

Back to Kirk and Old Spock. They end up at the Star Fleet outpost.

It’s emptier than my hopes and dreams.

Then some dude comes up and takes off his WWI aviator goggles and takes them to Scotty played by Shaun of the Dead.

Scotty thinks they’re his relief. He’s been living on protein bars and bath water.

We find out that Scotty created Trandjdkdjdjd Travel.

Basically beaming from farther distances.

Spock tells him “You’re going to discover this in the future. Hey. It’s like Sliders but not. Uh. Do you know why they fired the dude who played the professor?”

“I heard some exec was a total dick.”

Spock gives the information Scotty needs to break the code. It’s like that moment in Silicon Valley with the Jerk off equation giving the dude the inspiration for middle out.

Spock then gives Kirk advice on how to mind fuck his younger self so he can be relieved of command.

“Call him a space bitch.”

Scotty and Kirk beam onto the Enterprise. Scotty ends up on some water tubes. Holy shit. He’s Augustus from that Wonka House of Horror

Kirk was left outside the series of tubes and saves Scotty. He slaps his dick against the computer and Scotty is ejaculated by the tubes.

Spock sees that Kirk has stowed away and tells his men to set their phasers to stun. Kirk sets his dong to seduce.

Kirk is still taken hostage up to Spock. Spock asks wtf is going on and Kirk needs to get Spock to get angry so he can be relieved of duty.

“My dick is bigger than yours!”

Spock then beats the shit out of Kirk. He tries to rip his dick off, but he stops himself when his dad tells him to stop.

“His cock is too beautiful to lose and had to penetrate more alien orifices!”

Spock relieved himself of duty and then goes into a bedroom to do it again.

Spock’s dad looks at Kirk’s junk and is visibly shaken. All his volcanologist training is out the window.

He runs off to find some form of calmness by pretending he imagined it all.

Kirk then assumes command of the ship. He’s Captain James Tiberius was a monster Kirk.

He announces it over the speaker. “Spock is a cuck. I’m Captain, bitch.”

Then, I’m not kidding, Kirk says “Either they’re going down or we are.”

He’s a very cunning linguist. Hahahahshshshshshdjrkfsnnddne

Meanwhile, Spock’s dad con…cons…talks to his son.

“Dude. No one is as big as him. We obviously hallucinated that. Now let’s go be logical.”

Chekhov then had a plan to use Saturn to hide from Nero. “We wanna get all up in those rings. Just deeeeppp in it.”

Spock comes in with a plan to get the red baby batter back.

Kirk says he’s gonna come. Spock thought he meant along with him to the mission. He meant the other kind. The wall is sprayed with Kirk ropes.

Meanwhile, Nero is trying to drill Earth and drop the red baby batter so a galactic butthole appears inside the earth’s core.

The Inherprize leaps to Saturn and they’re getting ready to go into Nero’s backdoor.

Kirk and Spock beam over to Nero’s ship after Spock gets some Uhura love.

Kirk is jealous as hell.

Scotty says he’ll beam them safely somewhere. But Scotty doesn’t know he fucked up.

Nero is then told Kirk and Spock are all up inside them. He realizes once Kirk gets into something, you ain’t getting him out. He’s like a dog’s prong.

Spock mind fucks a Roman and uses the information to find where to go.

Meanwhile on Earth the beam of light used in Avengers appears.

Spock and Kirk find the red baby batter chamber and the computer confuses young Spock with Old Spock.

Spock is like “Be logical and tell me shit.”

Spock realizes that future alternate reality hi…falls asleep.

Spock GTAs the red baby batter ship and flies off to shove it up Nero’s colosseum.

Meanwhile, Kirk goes through dirty, dark, smelly holes with his gun in his hand.

He gets knocked the fuck out.

Nero and his men start to scream about how good garum is. “It smells and tastes too fishy even for me” Kirk screams.

Nero monologues to Kirk as Spock pew pews the drill that was busting a deep into Earth’s asshole.

Nero is told this and screams Khannnnn! Khannn!

Kirk goes “That’s my line!” And Nero weakly screams “Spock!”

His heart isn’t in it.

Nero then tells his men to destroy Spock’s red baby batter ship out of embarrassment. Spock goes ludicrous speed the fuck out and Nero follows.

Nero tries to choke out Kirk, but Kirk grabs his gun (dick) and rips it off.

Nero collapses.

Spock then plays chicken with Nero and is gonna smash his baby batter all over Nero.

The Inherprize appears and starts to fight.

Kirk rescues Captain Sweetass.

Nero screams about his dick and to stop the baby batter. Spock gives Nero a facial just as he and Kirk and Captain Sweetass are beamed out.

Chekhov says their shields are down and Spock says “Waste the mother fuckers!!”

Kirk offers them to surrender.

Kirk laughs and they blast them in he face.

Nero and his crew get Praetorian Guarded.

They get their asses eaten by a black hole and Nero screams “Oh, what a world!!”

The Inherprize tries to jump, but the bhole is sucking them in like it got donkey punched.

Scotty gives it all he’s got and they are able to fuck right off.

They make it back to earth and all share a look. They had facialed the Romans and lived to tell about it.

We cut to them back on earth. Spock says hi to his dad and asks about the birds and the bees.

He then sees its Old Spock. Old Spock screams “I did not write a god damn book on raising kids!!!”

Lots of fan service with Old Spock.

Old Spock tells Young Spock to stay at Star Fleet and he has a new planet for the Volcanologists.

“There are evil people living there, but if we destroy them we can call it Canaan…errr Vasquez Rock 2.0.”

We then get a medal ceremony and Chewy doesn’t get one here either.

Kirk gets an award. It’s a leg lamp.

He also gets promoted to take over Captain Sweetass’ ship. Though now he’s Rear Admiral Sweetass

We see Old Spock watching. We can not see his hands.

We cut to the crew of the Inherprize getting ready to go to the second star on the right and straight on ‘til morning.

Spock joins the crew and we hear Old Spock do more fan service.

And that was Star Trek 2009 and it’s a lot of fun. It’s more action and less cerebral than the show, but it has its own place on canon.

Watch it and enjoy Kirk slamming all the ass ever.

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