Thread by @innocent

Facebook, Instagram & WhatsApp are down. For those of you using Twitter for the first time, it’s basically the same but with less avocados on toast and less group chats with 29 people trying to organise a night out while one friend sends dog GIFs.

Oh, and you can only use 240 ch

People desperately search for a new social platform. Uploading their Ibiza 09 album as a slideshow on YouTube. Starting group chats over email, CCing everyone they’ve ever met. Asking people to play Farmville on LinkedIn. Leaving comments on eBay listings just to feel something.

Getting a bit worrying now. People haven’t been able to wish their colleague’s partner happy birthday in over an hour. Everyone’s notifications are flooded with friend requests from Duolingo. The rest of us are trying to figure out if Google+ still exists.

Channels still down. Frightened social media managers run out into the street screaming ‘hashtag content’ at passers-by. Influencers desperately broadcast their skincare routines over walkie talkie. Adults log into Tik Tok for the first time and begin twerking, crying softly.

Everyone gets a news alert telling them to turn on the TV. We see a small concrete room. Mark Zuckerberg is tied up in the corner, eyes full of fear. A voice comes out of the darkness. “You answer to a new master now”, it says. The lights flicker on. It’s Tom from MySpace.

Mark starts pleading, but Tom shushes him. He addresses the nation. “Mark and I were actually at Uni together. We were good friends. Or so I thought.” He pulls something up on his phone. Mark goes pale. “But not good enough to make it into your Top 8 friends was I Mark? WAS I?”

Linkedin has now crashed. Gutsy entrepreneurs everywhere close down their start-ups, unable to inspire anyone with their work ethic. This is the end.

It's been 4 hours. The old channels are forgotten and new ones have taken their place. Mark stumbles outside, seeing the sun for the first time in 16 years. He breathes a sigh of relief. "It's time", he says, pressing his factory reset button. He's finally free.

BREAKING NEWS: due to an increased reliance on texting, there is now a national data storage. People are stockpiling email addresses as we speak. The army have been called in to deliver more pixels.

Facebook and Instagram are back. Phone screens light up. Conversations with loved ones are abandoned mid-sentence and Monopoly is shoved back in the cupboard. Neighbours who spoke for the first time tonight have gone back to stealing each other's doormats. Nature is healing.

The initial excitement gives way to fear as people realise they haven’t received any WhatsApp messages. Social anxiety is at an all-time high as the nation hopes the servers are still down. And that they’re not just pathetic and unpopular.