Thread by @Soundsaboutrig4

The truth of the matter is @Soundsaboutleft left home a long time ago to live in Hollywood. Okay, within a 45 minute drive of Hollywood.

And when we go home, people look at us differently. Mostly because we owe a lot of people money.

This is Garden State.

The movie is about a guy who moves to Hollywood and goes back ho...ah crap. Left and Zach have the same life story!

It all makes sense now!!

So let me preface this whole thing by saying I haven't seen this movie in forever. I remember really liking Peter Sarsgaard. Like he was the best part of the movie by a country mile.

Don't get me wrong, the rest of the cast was great. Peter just stood out.

The movie also has a killer soundtrack. Okay, half the soundtrack is killer. The other half is...m'eh.

But those tracks that rock shred all the good asshole.

The movie stars @zachbraff, Natalia Portman, the late & great Ian Holm, and the brilliant Peter Sarsgaard.

They all did a great job and I remember thinking "Wow. These people are all talented. And Zach wrote/directed it, too? Holy crap!"

(Hence the Citizen Kane in the poll)

And let me say I remember enjoying this film. A bit hipsterish, but still a movie I liked because I enjoyed the characters.

So don't think I'm here just to hammer it.

I will, however, do my normal style of being weird and bashing and mocking and everything else I do because every movie can be jeered.

Hell, I'm gonna do Citizen Kane and prove that!

So without any further delay: grab your god damn single-sourced chocolate, your $12 coffee, your $15 avocado toast, unbutton your skinny jeans, put on your overpriced non-prescription glasses and watch Garden State: A Hipster's Journey to Discovery of things before it was cool.

We start out at the beginning of the game: The Forest

A plane is crashing and everyone is freaking but Zach. He's chilling because he's blitzed out of his mind.

He does worry about the airflow which is pumping out recycled air into his face.

It was all a dream. We cut to his phone ringing and him sleeping like I did when I moved out to California. On a bed that had no bedframe.

Of course his room was completely blank and...holy shit that was my room.

Zach is lying in bed like it's quarantine. He's received a call from his dad that his mom died.

She drowned.

That was the voicemail he got. Jesus. You thought breaking up via text was bad.

We cut to some awesome music as we see HOLY FUCK THAT'S A LOT OF MEDS IN HIS MEDICINE CABINET.

We see him stuck in LA traffic.

Yeah. This is all normal.

He gets out of his car and there's a gas pump handle thingy stuck in his gas ...pour in spot.

So...still normal.

He tosses it in the trash.

Yep. Normal.

He goes inside and immediately his boss threatens him with being fired.

Yep. Still basically just my life like 17 years ago.

"Hey. Tons of people come out here via bus from fly over states. I can replace your ass with these losers.

I AM EXPLOITING YOUR LABOR AND I FUCKING HOPE THIS POWER DYNAMIC DOESN'T CHANGE DURING A PLAGUE CIRCA 2020-2021!!!!!!!!"

I'm gonna drop a little real life shit. When I first got out here, I went to some "hip" restaurants people told me about.

So this whole scene is legit what would happen. Right down to the customers being dbags who expected food that didn't exist in the restaurant.

Zach has an ear piece and walks up to a table of dbags.

They want shitty booze and this Karen wants bread.

He explains they're a Vietnamese restaurant and she gets all racist.

Like...legit racist.

#CancelKaren

We then hear his boss telling him about his flight? WHAT? THAT'S WACKY!!

(And still my life back when)

We see more shots that are cool, but also make me go "Really?"

We cut to the funeral and a woman sings and she sings like Left after he's drunk too much whiskey and is trying to hold the vomit inside his mouth.

Zach is busy making sexy eyes with Peter and I get it!!

We cut to Zach going up to talk to Peter. They do some "Sup bruh!" stuff and Peter finds out that Zach's mom got got by water.

Peter asks if Zach is still acting. Basically, lots of questions about if you know people, etc.

Yes. I have met celebrities. No, I don't know anyone who can get your script made. STOP ASKING ME, RIGHT!!!

Peter's friend invites Zach to a party.

To the party mansion.

We cut to the wake and the woman who sang is talking about how his mom wanted to redecorate the bathroom.

Also, she made him a shirt that was made from the same material.

She talks MAD shit about how he never visits.

God...this is my fucking life.

And the sight gag of the shirt in the bathroom is *chef's kiss*

Zach walks in to talk to Old Bilbo Baggins.

"Hey, dad. Did you ever toss that ring or did you let your lame nephew do it? Him and his lame ass friends who are walking to...WHAT THE FUCK WAS UP WITH THE FLYING PLOTHOLE KNOWN AS THE FUCKING EAGLES, MAN!!???"

Zach tells Biblo about him giving headaches.

The guy from Unsolved Mysteries screams out "IT'S A BRAIN CLOUD!!"

His dad tells him "I'll get you an appointment. Hey, remember when you crippled your mother you piece of shit?"

They talk awkwardly. Ya know. Neither giving..

and there it is.

The dad being a dick that his son doesn't visit.

Man. Is that my dad or??

Zach goes into the garage and takes the cloth off a sweet ass bike with sidecar.

Also known as a Pussy/Dick Magnet.

More sweet tunes as he drives to a party like he's Captain America.

Of course this was back when the latest rendition of Captain America ate shit.

Seriously. Marvel back when SUCKKKEEEEDDD

Zach gets pulled over by a cop. The cop immediately draws on his ass and screams.

Then the cop tells him he was doing 82. No way that motorcycle was doing that.

And, hey, it's Michael Weston. He's that guy you'll go "Oh, shit. It's that dude."

Sorry. Had to do a Burn Notice Joke.

Michael recognizes Zach and they bound over his mom dying and Michael becoming a cop because he was bored and gets off on authority.

Michael also brags that being a cop helps him get laid and holy hell I've seen enough cop crime stories to know that...

oof.

Just...oof.

Michael immediately talks about Hollywood and movies.

YES, AUNT GABBY. I FUCKING KNOW THAT BRAD PITT LIVES IN LA. THAT'S GREAT. HE STILL WON'T COME HANG OUT WITH US!!

And Michael immediately wants Zach to write a movie for him.

OH, my god. this is my life except I have even less connections in hollywood.

We cut to the party and Peter is all happy to see him.

Then we get the whole "Oh, this dude was in movies."

I knew several actors who had this situation. People recognized them, but they had sucky jobs to support themselves.

They're working actors and they all bust their asses

They go into a backroom and Jesse is there. HOLY SHIT. This dude looks like Andrew Garfield.

Like holy crap they could be brothers.

We find out that Jesse made bank from inventing silent velcro.

Jesse is like a lot of rich people. Too unimaginative to know how to use his money.

Then we cut to a Drug PSA.

They're doing their devil's weed and being all Jersey before the Jersey Shore.

Then Peter offers him the devil's snow.

Then Jesse offers him the Devil's Tic Tac.

The girls stare and PEER PRESSURE PEER PRESSURE PEER PRESSURE!

Then the girls want to play spin the bottle and holy shit small town America eats ass.

And there's an underaged joke.

Oof.

And then we get a really cool scene. Like this is legit.

I have to stop being a goof to point out that there are several moments in this movie that are just amazingly well shot.

Bravo Zach and crew.

Then the bottle lands on Zach and an attractive woman is staring at him and man...this is definitely not my life right here.

Also, it's really awkward everyone watch them make out.

Like...who does that?

So this movie came out in 2004. Which means that even people 18 here are now

*does the math*

Oh, god.

We cut to the next morning and Zach is in a weird room.

There's a knight carrying milk and balls on his forehead.

I love this sight gag, too.

We are in Peter's house and his mom is banging this guy who is probably younger than Peter.

She's talking about cereal, but I bet it's code for fucking.

Poor Peter. Watching his mom get railed by Tim...medieval times knight extraordinaire.

Peter glares at Tim and says "Big Bang Theory was a shitty show and the 'nerd humor' in it was so surface level that it might as well have been the Utah Salt Flats. The canned laughter was like daggers to the brain and the Bazinga bullshit was a desperate plea for laughs."

Tim starts to say "But I made money."

Peter slaps him and says "If you want actual nerd humor, watch Silicon Valley. It wasn't just recycled Lord of the Ring jokes presented as high humor to jabronis who want to feel smart."

Tim stammers "But it was popular and lasted..." but Peter slams his head into the table.

"Yeah? So what? Being popular doesn't make your show good. It is just a condemnation of our culture that your subpar show was able to last so long instead of being ganked before the pilot."

Where was I? Oh, right. Tim is railing Peter's mom.

Zach brings up the fact Tim got beat the hell kicked out of him by some dude. Like knocked his tooth out.

Tim desperately tries to fight back by insulting Peter's job.

You work at Medieval Times. S...

OH GOD. Tim can speak Klingon? He really is such a Sheldon.

PSA. If your kid is in the room, stop talking about fucking around your kids. Just...JUST STOP!!

YA FREAKING WEIRDOS!

We get this Tim vs Peter...and...I think they like each other.

Tim gets hammered by Peter and he goes "I'm going to go make millions while losers like Right rot away online in total obscurity."

Zach is also told he has balls on his forehead.

He goes to clean it up and then get...blitzed with Peter and his mom?

Peter's mom desperately wants to be a teenager again.

Grow up.

Also, we find out that Peter's mom is trying to join an MLM...actually. She's trying to get Peter into a real estate MLM.

Peter's mom leaves to go to a ...I presume AA/NA meeting.

She then tells them that the house has carbon monoxide.

Like...it the alarm was literally beeping, so she took the battery out.

Zach then realizes he's the white rabbit.

"I'M LATE I'M LATE I'M LATE!!"

He goes to the clinic to fill out...

oh my god. You used to be able to go to medical places and not worry about CATCHING THE FUCKING PLAGUE!!!

Then some monster of a woman lets her dog off its leash and it goes and assaults Zach.

KEEP YOUR DOGS ON THEIR LEASHES YOU WEIRDOS!

Luckily for Zach, though, Natalie is there to laugh at being assaulted by a dog.

She tells him to kick the dog's balls.

"I am Natalie, breaker of balls."

The monster finally calls her dog back now that she's going inside.

This woman is the villain of this movie.

Natalie then goes "I SAW YOU IN A TV MOVIE!!"

See, he played a mentally disabled person and she keeps dropping hard Rs. Like...LOTS OF TIMES.

Oof.

Zach tries to ignore her, but she brings up her cousin is an actor and she just bugs him.

She has headphones and they're not even beats by dre. Granted, this was before that and why would anyone spend that kind of money o...oh...right. The branding is why people buy it.

Natalie won't shut the fuck up.

If she wasn't hot, Zach would have just got the fuck up and left.

But she is hot and he pretends to care about what she's listening to.

She then does what so many assholes do and tells him to listen to this 'totally awesome song.'

Granted, it is great.

BTW. Listen to this.

Natalie asks what he's there for...

YOU'RE VIOLATING HIPPPO!!!

Zach tells her he's having headaches.

She then introduces herself.

We also find out she lied about waiting on someone instead of being a patient.

Did...did I just violate HIPPO?

We then see a brilliant sight gag. This doctor's wall is covered in diplomas, etc. and includes one on the ceiling.

Zach tells the doc about his headache issues.

The doc looks at a god damn grocery list of medicines his dad has put him on his whole life.

Like he's been on shit since he was 10...wtf.

The doc questions this.

Zach mentions that he thinks they don't help and this is the first time in his life he's not been medicated constantly.

The doc asks if he's talked to his shrink, but Zach tells him that his dad prescribed it.

Holy crap that ...that can cause all kinds of...

man.

Crap. I'm violating HIPPO.

Then the doc talks about how he got cucked by his wife and that caused him to not get boners.

Like...jeez.

No need to share.

The doc tells him to find a shrink who isn't his dad.

He then implies that the tic tacs may help some, but that he needs therapy.

The doc then...flirts with him???

We cut to Zach getting a brain scan and we get another great sight joke.

Turns out Zach's entire body is covered in insults from when he passed out at the party.

Zach then jumps into his puss/dick cycle. He goes to Natalie and demands her to violate HIPPO by asking why she was there and calls her a liar.

They then have some back and forth about LIES LIES LIES YEAHHHHHH

We find out that the motorcycle is from his grandpa.

"He used it to drive over Hitler's face."

Natalie then asks for a ride home. Good thing she's hot else he'd be like "Uh...awkward. I gotta go return some video tapes."

She then demands to ride on the cycle part instead of the sidecar.

She thinks the sidecar is for bitches. Uh. The sidecar is baller as fuck.

We then listen to Natalie lie a bunch about her boyfriend and the "helmet" she has.

Then we see a bunch of kids crossing the street and HOLY SHIT THOSE KIDS ARE IN THEIR LATE 20S TODAY.

Zach then asks if Natalie could be his excuse to leave Jesse's lame ass mansion.

Natalie

*burps*

who fucking cares.

They decide on a safe word...or...safe gesture.

Ear pulling.

Is...is that his kink?

We cut to Jesse shooting flaming arrows into the sky and everyone scatters to try not to die.

Natalie immediately does Zach's kink and pulls her ear.

We cut to Natalie's house. We find out she lies about everything!!

"Big Bang Theory is a good tv show and made for smart people!!" -- Natalie

See. Fucking lies.

Natalie then admits she's a compulsive liar. At least she feels bad and will admit they're a lie eventually.

"Okay, fine. It was a terrible show and the fact they made a spin-off from it just tells you that our society is rotting from within."

They go inside and immediately Natalie's dogs try to eat Zach.

We then meet her mom and she's a bit of a hoot.

Also, her gerbil is dead because it didn't know how to exit an exercise wheel.

Holy fuck they have like 83 miles of hamster/gerbil WWI trench tunnels.

We also see that they refuse to take down their christmas decorat...ARE THEY HOARDERS?

Horders? Hodors?

We then meet Natalie's adopted brother Titembey.

They then bond over the fact their families are fucked up.

At least Natalie's mom allows a kid to stay with them instead of...drugging their son so that he feels nothing.

Natalie then shows Zach her comfort blanket.

Like...Zach, bro, she's weird beyond belief.

Wait. She's hot. That's why.

Gotcha.

We then get a lesson on religion and atheism and holy fuck. It's like I'm in freshman philosophy again.

Natalie is then like "We're not going to make out."

He's like "Uh...why else am I...I mean I wasn't saying we should."

Then Natalie does the ONLY thing that I really despise about this movie.

Her character is like "When I feel unoriginal, I do wacky shit to BE SPECIAL!!"

It grates me because I know people like PURPLE ASSHOLE & LIKES TO BANG A $!!!

But, in all seriousness, it's not that hard to have done something no one else has. Mostly this is based on geographical location.

Like where you're at right now, most likely no one did something as simple as wacking it.

Well, I guess it depends on where you are. Like shitting in my bathroom isn't original because my house isn't brand new.

I can say I'm the first person to shit while looking at a phone...so I'm original.

I'M WACKY. I'M SHITTING WHILE READING A PHONE SCREEN IN MY UNIQUE BATHROOM

But, in all seriousness, don't do this. It's fucking obnoxious.

If you're going to be original, thinking of something different. Write or draw or do something that isn't just dancing like elaine

Natalie is then like "I'm going to go bury my hamster. And, no, you don't get to bury yours into my mound."

HOLY FUCK THAT'S A HUGE PET CEMETERY.

Like I'm pretty sure that Natalie has caused the widespread extinction of species based off the fact she has like 29839238 dead animals there.

Here's hoping it wasn't a sacred burial ground else we got night of the living dead pets.

Zach then drops the bomb on Natalie that his mom died.

I bet he's trying to get pity sex.

We all do that. It's...look. Some of us aren't attractive people.

Natalie is all like "awkward."

Then asks how she died. DON'T ASK PEOPLE HOW THEIR LOVED ONES DIED THE DAY AFTER THE FUCKING FUNERAL!

Zach tells her anyway because he wants that V

Natalie starts to cry and...does she want the D?

He wants the V.

She wants the D.

Let's come together and make VD.

I just made taht up.

fuck i'm original and funny

They then che..hc...kajsdfl...

they fucking say some words over the dead animal.

Zach starts with a joke, but Natalie gets mad.

I mean she's fine with asking about dead humans, but don't make a joke about the pet she manslaughtered...petslaughtered.

And man some of the songs in this movie suck.

A lot are great, but some are just ughh

We cut to Zach being at his dad's place and his dad pulled a god damn serial killer move. He was hiding behind the fridge door

"My precious!"

His dad asks him how long he's staying and Zach is like "I gotta go get another job because it's LA and even back in 2004 this place was stupid expensive. Now, though, that $1400 apartment is $4400 and HOW THE FUCK CAN ANYONE AFFORD TO LIVE HERE???"

They chat about something, but I was busy writing my apartment rant.

We then cut to the cemetery and Zach is watching Peter grave rob.

He sees the jewelry and realizes that Peter totally grave robbed his mom based on Peter's face.

Jesse is there going "I'm going to be replaced as Spiderman!"

We then cut to a dog scratches its balls as Natalie and Zach watch.

Natalie's mom is like "Watch my kid's embarrassing moments as an ice skater. Also, she has epilepsy."

And now we see why she needed the helmet-like thing.

We cut to Titembey doing some CSI shit. I love that dude. He's great.

We see a tape of Natalie dressed as an alligator and doing ice skating.

Man. Ice Skating is weird.

Zach realizes at that moment he has a fetish for women wearing costumes as they do double axels.

Natalie is mad at her mom and they bail.

But before they leave, Natalie's mom offers a hug. Zach takes it and LOVEEESSS IT

We then cut to a bar where Zach talks about how acting is the only thing he knows how to do.

He's like Eric Roberts in Best of the Best.

Man...no one is going to get that reference.

Natalie tells him about her epilepsy.

We then find out that she's like most of us. She laughs instead of crying.

WAIT UNTIL 2020 AND HAVE TO WATCH THE MOTHER FUCKING WORLD BURN AS PEOPLE SCREAM ABOUT HOW IT'S ALL FAKE!

Zach talks about not being able to cry and that's because he's been doped up by his dad since he was a preteen.

We see Peter, Jesse, and others come into the bar.

Peter is legit the best actor in this movie and wtf happened? That guy is just raw talent.

If I had any connections, I'd put him in all my movies. Ya know...if I made movies instead of unfunny reviews on twitter.

We cut to the pool with a bunch of people in their underwear jumping in.

Everyone but Zach.

We find out that he sucks shit at swimming.

The others make fun of him and Natalie goes to pity chat with him.

We find out that Zach's parents never showed him how to swim.

Then they wax philosophical about how the concept of home is gone.

Lots of lamenting. Man...this movie had more hit on me before I watched 700,000 Americans die needlessly.

Now? I watch it all burn.

Then they talk about what a family is and that gets Natalie all wet...I kid. She's in a pool. She's already wet.

YOU SEE WHAT I DIDAFLJGLSKGFHFSUIOVCJKXZ SBUHFGDKVCJLKSD GBSDJFG ASF

We cut to a roaring fire inside of Jesse's mansion.

The room is empty and Peter points out "Get some furniture. It's difficult to fuck on marble floors."

Peter is impressed by silent velcro. Well, more like the money.

We then find out that Zach was sent to boarding school.

See, they thought Zach was dangerous.

Zach was the reason his mother was in a wheelchair.

He pushed her because he wanted her to show some kind of emotion and fate twisted into her breaking her back.

And his father decided to dope him up and send him away.

So Zach has been in a fog for 16 years.

We also find out about the twists of fate that curse us all and dominate our thoughts and worries.

And we find out that Zach hasn't been back since they sent him to boarding school.

And Zach's family talks mad shit about him not coming back.

God...this is my fucking family.

Peter and Jesse go when a hot chick wants to go to a hot tub.

Then we're stuck with Zach and Natalie talking about human emotions.

Look. I'm all for that, but...HOT TUB!!!

What I love about my reviews is that after about the first 40-50 minutes, no one reads these.

So I can say anything. Like the fact that chickens...have feet!!!

They then go "I LIKE YOU"

"OH, I LIKE YOU."

Then he goes "I HATE SAND. IT'S COARSE AND GETS EVERYWHERE LIKE YOUR ASSHOLE."

Then she's like "I'm gonna dance and BUT I'M A SENATOR!!!"

We cut to Zach being on his bed in his all black room and he goes to a beige room and colors really do get themed up in this bitch.

Zach then goes into teh bathroom his mom drowned in and ...they cleaned up the poop already. That's good.

We cut to Zach being at Peter's. Peter is strumming as Zach goes through his shit.

He's collected Desert Storm Collector Cards.

They're worth

*checks ebay*

not much. Way to go, champ.

If you had put that money into...Rhodium? You'd be retired right now.

Peter is like "Hey. What ya gonna do today? I got a present for you...a sexy present."

Zach is like "Okay, I can give you a ride. Even though I was supposed to pick up Natalie."

peter is like "I'm into couples. Bring her."

We then see them all in the motorcycle and, sure enough, Peter looks so fucking cool in the sidecar.

Sidecars are where the V & D magnets are.

They're driving along side roads of Jersey.

Randomly we hear people going "HEY. I'M WALKING HERE!" and "WHO'S GOT THE STEROIDS???"

We then see them go into Handyworld.

So weirdo guy who likes to lick the divider window of a cop car calls out to Zach.

Then we get some...weird s**cide conversation and...man.

Small town America. Awkward as fuck.

The weird is a mad man...that's...no one will get that reference.

The weird guy is like "I'm looking for people to invest in my business. This is definitely an MLM."

Peter comes walking up with a bunch of knives and goes up to the return counter.

See...he's returning knives he didn't buy because he knows a loophole on how to scam...

Basically, he's a thief.

Zach is annoyed because "It's my last day. I could have given you money."

Peter is like "I don't need your money. I just need to steal from people."

They then go to get some NOS.

TOO FAST. TOO FURIOUS!!

They go into some seedy as fuck hotel with Peter with a bag.

They go in the employees only areas and ...this place is so fucking shady.

Creepos are lining this hallway looking in peepholes and jerking it.

Just...everything about this is creepy and the people looking look like the kind of people who would look.

They're there to see Method Man. Man. Method Man is the freaking coolest.

He's dressed as a...bell hop? and watching people fuckkkkkk.

Method Man is excited by the money shot.

He's like "I wanna bang that same chick."

Method Man is annoyed that Zach and Natalie is lame as fuck.

We find out that peter is bringing the NOS to Method Man for some kind of information or whatever.

Method Man is like "WHO JUST SAW SOME TITTIES?"

I mean...I have google.

Method Man is like "Go to this quarry. This will allow you to do something COOOOOOLLL."

Zach is annoyed because they keep driving around and Peter is like "Dude...patience."

Then Zach talks about how Natalie is all innocent.

She, rightly, calls him out.

Dude. You don't know her.

You're like the guys who think chicks don't like that D or some shit.

Then we get some funny banter. Like...I legit enjoy this movie and the characters.

We cut to a massive hole in the ground. It's actually just a recreation of the hole inside of that orange stain who used to run this country.

It begins to rain as they go to the guy who...watches the hole in the wall.

Zach makes snide remarks and Peter slams him down.

The watcher guy lets them into his...boathouse??

He's got an adorable kid he puts to sleep. Not like...puts to sleep like a dog, but in his crib.

Natalie rightly points out that they go to weird as fuck places and meet wacky people.

Hell. May we all be so lucky.

The wife comes up and...are they gonna swing?

Man. Who likes cheese?

I do.

The watcher guy doesn't know how deep it is, but says they want to believe it's infinite.

Also "I sell antique jewelry. Etsy hasn't been invented yet, so I have to meet you weirdos in real life."

Then the watcher is like "I like to do things no one has done before."

Natalie is like "Me, too!"

And they both make weird noises while gyrating.

Again. Shit while reading phone. That makes you unique in that spot.

The antique dealer is like "I got the thing. It took me time to find it even though...it's only been 2 days since it was taken lol."

The watcher's wife offers them garbage bags for the rain.

Then they have moments of talking about infinite abyss.

Pfft...

Zach decides to look down into the abyss.

Then they yell into it.

They yell into a literal abyss.

Zach today said "Kids today only yell into the metaphorical abyss. I yelled into a literal one. Kids today. Kids today."

Hey, I'd love to yell into a literal abyss, but I FUCKING CAN'T!!

The 60s had this weird self-help shit where you yelled and shit.

This is that, but with more making out with Natalie after yelling while Peter stares at them awkwardly.

Like this was a legit car..cat...moment of release for Zach as the tic tacs wear off.

We then see them drop Peter off.

Zach says goodbye, but Peter is like "LOL. You forgot the gift I got you. It's your mom's jewelry I stole and gave it back to you."

Peter then justifies it by saying "It's better with you than rotting in a casket."

(But in all seriousness, it's a moment of redemption for Peter)

We cut to Zach and Natalie in the tub that killed his mom.

It's not as sexy as you think.

They're dressed and Zach talks about his emotions.

Zach has a tear come out and Natalie goes to get a cup to capture it...

and you both are meant for each other.

The kind of people who'll eat cat food and throw dishes at their neighbors.

But they do it as a couple.

Zach is like Dennis when it comes to emotions.

They cuddle and thsadfgiuharojdfsgoturdf

*snores*

BRING BACK PETER!

They spoon after, I presume, they boink.

And then we get a MONTAGEEEEE of him rolling around and getting up and blah blah.

Zach goes into his dad's bedroom and is like "BREAK YOURSELF, FOO'!!!"

Zach's dad is like "You've been avoiding me."

And Zach is like "Well, you did dope me since I was like 9."

Zach's dad is like "WHERE'S THE GOD DAMN RING??"

Then Zach is like "Uh...I was talking about..."

'MY PRECIOUS!!!!'

Zach's dad is like "You got to admit you fucked up. You fucking fuck up fucker. Now beg for forgiveness you fucker"

Zach is like "I want you to apologize for being a dick and acting like we were every happy."

And we get that Zach's dad has been doing this shit to keep his son from feeling pain.

But Zach is like "But I feel nothing."

And then his dad screams out "SAM STOLE MY POTATOES!!!"

They have a legit moment in this movie...a moment of progress.

We cut to the airport and random people are screaming "HEY, I HAVE A SCRIPT. HAVE YOU MET TOM CRUISE???"

We then see Natalie begging for Zach not to go.

"Stay here and be weird with me! We need each other. You make me not lie. ACtually...I just lied lol!!!"

Zach is like "I'll totally come back for you...girl who I just met like 3 days ago."

Man...she is clingy as fuckkkkkkkkk

And he's like "You changed my life...just remember to not date anyone else and I'll come back once a year to come on your back."

see what I difakfldjhsgoafidsklgf there???

Then he leaves her and runs like Steven Seagal to his plane.

WE GET A MOTHER UFKCING MONTAFGDAGEEEEEE!!

PETER. JESSE. BILBO BAGGINS. ZACH. MUSIC.

AND THAESLJGFSDPAJIHRWUFODSVJFKJkfjdhskjgkjlkasdjflkajsdkfljads
f

Natalie is crying in a phone booth like...a weird.

Zach is like "I'm back. I'm going to stay here in Jersey with you...person who I just met 4 days ago."

He's like the guy who marries the first chick he bangs.

Look. I'm not here to insult people who immediately fall in love, but holy shit. You two are definitely made for each other and that's not a compliment.

They make out as a pretty decent song plays and pull back and, later, he'll pull out.

So that was Garden State and...it's not bad.

Again, Peter Sarsgaard is INCREDIBLE in this movie (and everything he's done).

The rest of the cast round it out and a decent soundtrack and some great cinematography make this a movie I legit get why people really love it.

@threadreaderapp unroll